No Choice
by glasscannon.lj
Summary: New Moon AU. During Bella’s run in with Laurent, what if the wolves had shown up just a few minutes later? Those minutes change Bella's life forever, and she must learn to deal with the consequences. Nominated for two Twific Indie Awards.
1. Chapter 1: The Meadow

_Author's Notes: This is based on a "what if?" question. It picks up in the middle of New Moon Chapter 10 ("The Meadow") and goes sideways from there, leaving canon. The question is: During Bella's run in with Laurent, what if the wolves hadn't shown up when they did? What if they had shown up just a few minutes later?_

_The first part of Chapter 1 comes directly out of New Moon, to provide context – no infringement intended._

* * *

**Chapter 1 – The Meadow**

The step forward Laurent took now was quite deliberate.

"Did Victoria ever find you?" I asked, breathless, desperate to distract him. It was the first question that popped into my head, and I regretted it as soon as the words were spoken. Victoria – who _had_ hunted me with James, and then disappeared – was not someone I wanted to think of at this particular moment.

But the question did stop him.

"Yes," he said, hesitating on that step. "I actually came here as a favor to her." He made a face. "She won't be happy about this."

"About what?" I said eagerly, inviting him to continue. He was glaring into the trees, away from me. I took advantage of his diversion, taking a furtive step back.

He looked back at me and smiled – the expression made him look like a black-haired angel.

"About me killing you," he answered in a seductive purr.

I staggered back another step. The frantic growling in my head made it hard to hear.

"She wanted to save that part for herself," he went on blithely. "She's sort of… put out with you, Bella."

"Me?" I squeaked.

He shook his head and chuckled. "I know, it seems a little backward to me, too. But James was her mate, and your Edward killed him."

Even here, on the point of death, his name tore against my unhealed wounds like a serrated edge.

Laurent was oblivious to my reaction. "She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward – fair turnabout, mate for mate. She asked me to get the lay of the land for her, so to speak. I didn't imagine you would be so easy to get to. So maybe her plan was flawed – apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."

Another blow, another tear through my chest.

Laurent's weight shifted slightly, and I stumbled another step back.

He frowned. "I suppose she'll be angry, all the same."

"Then why not wait for her?" I choked out.

A mischievous grin rearranged his features. "Well, you've caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn't come to _this_ place on Victoria's mission – I was hunting. I'm quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering."

Laurent looked at me with approval, as if he meant it as a compliment.

"Threaten him," the beautiful delusion ordered, his voice distorted with dread.

"He'll know it was you," I whispered obediently. "You won't get away with this."

"And why not?" Laurent's smile widened. He gazed around the small opening in the trees. "The scent will wash away with the next rain. No one will find your body – you'll simply go missing, like so many, many other humans. There's no reason for Edward to think of me, _if_ he cares enough to investigate. This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst."

"Beg," my hallucination begged.

"Please," I gasped.

Laurent shook his head, his face kind. "Look at it this way, Bella. You're very lucky I was the one to find you."

"Am I?" I mouthed, faltering another step back.

Laurent followed, lithe and graceful.

"Yes," he assured me. "I'll be very quick. You won't feel a thing, I promise. Oh, I'll lie to Victoria about that later, naturally, just to placate her. But if you knew what she had planned for you, Bella…" He shook his head with a slow movement, almost as if in disgust. "I swear you'd be thanking me for this."

I stared at him in horror.

He sniffed at the breeze that blew threads of my hair in his direction. "Mouthwatering," he repeated, inhaling deeply.

I tensed for the spring, my eyes squeezing shut as I cringed away, and the sound of Edward's furious roar echoed distantly in the back of my head. His name burst through all the walls I'd built to contain it. _Edward, Edward, Edward_. I was going to die. It shouldn't matter if I thought of him now. _Edward, I love you._

I didn't feel the impact. The wind whistled past my ears and then I was on the ground, Laurent's cold hands on my upper arms and a searing pain in my neck. This was it, I was really going to die. There was no one coming to save me this time. The panic built up in my chest, and I tried to fight against Laurent's iron-hard grip. No one to save me, no one who even knew I was out here. No one who cared enough to stay—

The panic bubble in my chest seemed to pop. _No one who cared enough to stay._ I felt all my muscles go lax.

"Don't give up!" the Edward in my head shouted at me, his beautiful voice full of panic.

I wanted to tell him not to worry, but my head felt so light. This was going to be so easy, finally giving in to death. Laurent had been right, it was nearly painless. My neck burned, but it felt very far away.

"Fight!" Edward commanded. I could see his face behind my lids, his golden eyes furious and frantic.

_Why?_ I managed to pull the thought together.

"For me," he pleaded. "Fight for me. This doesn't have to be the end!"

What choice is there now?

"There is _always_ a choice! Fight, Bella! Please!"

"Please," I echoed, my voice less than a whisper.

And suddenly Laurent was gone, his cold hands no longer on my arms, his cold face no longer pressed against my jaw.

"Don't quit now, Bella! Fight!" Edward yelled.

It felt like I was swimming up from very deep water, the dark and the cold holding me down and making it hard to breathe. I forced my eyes open, forced them to focus. Laurent was still there after all, crouched over me in a defensive position, his nostrils flared.

"I don't believe it," he said, his voice so low that I barely heard it.

We were flying through the forest then, away from the meadow. After a moment I realized that Laurent had me pressed to his chest and he was running – running _from_ something.

"Edward," I mouthed, feeling the smile tugging at my lips. Was he here to save me? Had he been watching all along…?

"Werewolves!" Laurent spat the word out like a curse.

The world crashed down around me. Even that one moment of hope sent the edges of the hole in my chest burning, so much worse than the fire that was spreading from my neck down my right arm. He wasn't here. He hadn't come to save me. I was hallucinating again – my vampires weren't here to save me so I had invented werewolves instead? Exactly how crazy was I? I started to let the dark water close over me again.

"Stay conscious!" Edward's voice pleaded with me. "You're almost free, just hold on!"

Free? I couldn't make any sense of the word. But the darkness made it harder to hear his perfect voice, so I forced my eyes open once again. Above me, trees rushed by in a blur of green and brown, making me feel dizzy and sick. I twisted in Laurent's arms, squirming around to see his face rather than the rushing forest. In the split second before he looked down at me, he looked truly terrified. When his bright red eyes met mine, he looked annoyed.

"I'm sorry Bella," he said, his voice strained. "I wanted to save you for later," he grimaced, "but I need all my strength now."

His arms were suddenly no longer beneath me, and I went crashing to the forest floor. I heard a sharp snap, and a completely new pain shot up my left arm.

Laurent lingered over me half a second longer. "Best of luck to you, Bella," he said. "It really wasn't anything personal." And then he was gone, rushing through the forest so fast my eyes couldn't follow.

I laid there in a crumpled heap, my neck and right arm on fire, my left arm screaming in pain, and the hole in my chest still managing to drown out everything else.

"Get up," Edward said fervently in my ear.

"I can't!" I moaned. How could he expect me to drag this battered, broken body one step further?

"You have to move Bella! Now!"

And then I was standing. I had no memory of getting to my feet, but I was suddenly standing in the too-quiet forest, clutching my broken left arm to my chest as I swayed, my vision black.

"_Bella_," Edward's voice whispered, and I could smell his sweet breath, feel the cold breeze of it on my skin. My vision began to clear, and for one moment I could see his golden eyes in front of me, just out of my grasp. I took one lurching step forward.

"Not that way!" His voice was fervent, desperate. It seemed to be coming from my right. "You must separate your trail from his! Quickly, while there's still time!"

I turned to my right, stumbling forward. Twenty feet ahead of me, in a bright beam of sunlight, his skin sparkling and sending rainbows dancing across the forest floor, stood my Edward, beckoning to me.

"This way, quickly!"

My legs were numb and my whole chest was on fire now, but somehow I found the strength to move towards him. He reached his hand out to me, his eyes anxious and wild. My vision narrowed until I could see nothing but him in the bright sunlight. It suddenly occurred to me that I had to be losing pints of blood by the second. With my left arm still cradled to my chest, I pressed the palm of my right hand to the brightest point of the fire on my neck.

"Hurry, Bella!" he pleaded with me, and I made my numb legs move faster and stretch further with each step. I was almost to him…

And then he was gone, the sunbeam empty just as I reached it. Before I could panic, I caught sight of him, twenty feet ahead again and waving me forward. The fire had reached my thighs now, and I couldn't feel the pain in my left arm over the burning agony. I could feel the searing moving further through my veins with each heart beat; the hole in my chest throbbed in tempo with it.

I forced my feet to move, focusing on this point in my body where the fire had not yet reached. As I stumbled through the forest underbrush, a corner of my mind screamed out, _Why?_ Why keep moving? Why keep trying? I was alone in the forest, hallucinating, bleeding profusely, and infected with vampire venom. Where could I possibly get to, following my hallucination through the forest, that would save me from this?

But I forced that thought out and locked it away. There was no salvation now. There were only these last few moments, and as long as I kept moving, I could see his face.

Edward continued to lead me deeper into the forest, twenty feet at a time, as my vision dimmed and my body burned. I lost track of the time, lost track of the number of times he darted ahead of me to show me the way. I focused only on his face and on the tearing pain in my chest, and willed myself not to think about the venom coursing through my veins, or the blood that had to be gushing from my neck, though I couldn't feel it, or what this would do to Charlie…

But of course my clumsiness caught up with me. My foot slipped, and it all came crashing down on me. Out of instinct I stuck my right arm out to catch myself as I tumbled to the ground, and for one second the pain of a sharp rock piercing the soft skin of my palm cut through all the other pain.

My sobs sounded loud in the empty forest. I was going to die here, right here by this rock red with my blood, and I was going to die alone. Another cry bubbled up from my chest.

"Please get up," Edward's voice whispered in my ear, fervent and anxious again.

I shook my head back and forth violently, making myself dizzy and sick in the process. "It hurts too much!" I moaned, not sure if I meant the physical or emotional pain at this point.

"You're almost there, it's just a little further."

"Almost _where?_" I wailed. But then I heard it, a rushing sound from just ahead. The highway? Had he really led me to civilization, to help?

I wrenched myself to my feet, leaving bloody handprints as I grasped a nearby sapling for support – blood from the wound on my neck or the new gash on my hand I wasn't sure. I couldn't see Edward anymore, but I focused instead on the rushing noise as I pushed off from the tree and trudged forward. It felt like my body was made out of flame. Every inch of me was burning in agony, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep this one sane corner of my mind focused on moving forward.

The sound grew as I stumbled along, so close now. This must be a busy section of highway, given the noise level. I would have to flag down a car, get them to take me to a hospital. I would need them to stop the bleeding, and I would need a blood transfusion at the hospital. Maybe the transfusion would clear the venom out. Maybe snake anti-venom would work. Maybe…

I broke through the last of the trees, the rushing sound filling my ears. I had done it, I had made it to the highway—

The broad empty space in front of me wasn't the highway. It was a river, the water rushing fast and white over rocks and fallen branches. I felt my whole body sag, and I clutched at a tree to keep myself upright, there on the bank of the river. Why had he brought me here? There was no salvation here.

I closed my eyes, my hand starting to loosen around the tree. This was it. I had followed my hallucination deeper into the forest, where no help would find me. I was going to die on the bank of this river. The flames had engulfed my body, and were starting to lick at this one last corner of my mind. This was it.

"Bella," _he_ said then, his voice soft and urgent, and sad somehow. The hole in my chest throbbed at the sound; that pain would not be drowned out, not even in death. I forced my eyes open.

Edward was standing in the middle of the rushing river, hip deep in the white water. Illogically, I noticed that his eyes were dark now, not gold, and there were deep bruise-like shadows under them. He stretched his hand out to me, and I knew what he wanted.

This would be better, I thought with a sigh. I could climb into the icy water and go numb to everything, just drift away with the cold caressing me. My feet stumbled forward of their own accord as I reached my bloody right hand out to him. Would my hallucination hold up long enough to get me through these last moments, I wondered numbly.

The icy water was torture on my searing skin, like an ice bath used to break a fever, but I kept moving, the current starting to tug at me as I waded towards Edward. The flames drove all conscious thought out of my mind other than being able to touch him, one last time.

Edward's hand was solid under mine, but my brain couldn't register that as wrong. His skin was as cold as the water and just as painful, but I clung to it as he pulled me further into the water, until I stood next to him, the freezing water splashing at my waist.

Carefully, as though he was worried I would break into a million pieces, he reached his free hand up towards my face. He brushed his cold fingertips along my cheekbone in a feather-light touch, and then wound his hand through my hair to the back of my neck, his cold fingers branding my burning skin there.

His dark eyes never left mine as he slowly lowered me into the icy water, one hand still holding mine and the other cradling my head. I gasped as the water hit my neck, and my teeth began to chatter.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispered, his gaze still locked with mine. He knelt down beside me in the water until his head was level with mine, and then wrapped his arms around me. "Just a little further now, love," he said, his cold cheek pressed against mine.

And then we were floating, being pulled down river by the current. The fire still raged in my body, unquenched by the freezing water. I could feel the burning agony in every vein in my body, and I wondered how much longer death would wait to claim me. My tears of pain were quickly washed away by the river.

"Bella," Edward whispered in my ear, his arms tightening around me. "When I say, you need to stick your hand out and grab onto the tree root. Do you understand?"

I didn't understand, couldn't put together the sense behind his words through the burning, but I nodded anyway.

"Now!" he said sharply a moment later.

I reached my right arm out and forced my fingers opened. At first all I could feel was the freezing water rushing past my flaming skin, but half a second later something rough and solid pressed into the sensitive skin of my palm. I closed my hand around it convulsively, with all the strength left in my body, and the current of the river swung us around this last solid thing in my world.

"You can let go now, love," Edward breathed against my cheek.

One by one I unclenched my fingers and finally let the root go, my arm falling limply into the water. The current seemed calmer here, and it gently pushed me up against what felt like more tree roots, rocking me as the water gurgled past. I couldn't find the strength to open my eyes to see where we were.

The pain was intensifying now with each beat of my heart, glowing white hot through every inch of my body. A low sob escaped my lips, and Edward's arms tightened around my shoulders.

His ice cold lips brushed my cheek. "I'm here, Bella," he whispered as I sobbed again.

The last thing I felt over the burning was Edward's breath on my cheek as he whispered to me, "Bella, I love you. Bella, I'm sorry."

And then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2: Darkness

**Chapter 2 – Darkness**

I dreamed I was on fire, burning at the stake. I writhed in agony as every inch of me was seared away. But Edward's arms were around me, and his voice was in my ears. Even in this black pit of burning hell, I could see his face.

My brain refused to accept this as anything other than a dream.


	3. Chapter 3: Awakening

**Chapter 3 – Awakening**

There was a rushing noise in my ears. I couldn't remember where I was; I must have fallen asleep somewhere very quiet, to be able to hear the blood in my ears. Usually my room was louder than this, with the white noise from my computer and the familiar sound of rain on the roof. Odd. I stretched and rolled over, but instead of a pillow, my face was met with quick moving water. My eyes flew open, I sputtered, then sat up.

And then it all came back to me.

I was in the river, in a small natural cage formed by the roots of a large tree, right where my hallucination had led me. Laurent attacking me, my trek through the woods, chasing a vision of Edward, the pain of the venom… Could all that have been real?

Reflexively my hand flew to my neck, but my palm came away clean – I wasn't bleeding. I gingerly touched my left arm, but there was no pain, even though I was quite sure I had broken it when Laurent dropped me. And strangely, the water rushing past me no longer felt icy.

It couldn't be. There had to be some other explanation. Maybe I had fallen and hit my head while I was out hiking and dreamed the whole thing. That sounded like me.

Outside the shade of the giant tree above me, the sun was shining for once. With shaking hands, I pulled myself through the water to the outermost roots, watching the sunlight ripple on the surface. There was only one way to know for sure. I slowly reached my hand out over the water, and gasped at what I saw.

My skin sparkled like it was covered in miniscule diamonds, sending tiny rainbows dancing across the water. I turned my hand over and watched the way the light bounced off it. Either I had really, truly lost it and was hallucinating all of this, or—

I pushed myself back into the shadow of the tree, huddling as close to the shore as I could. I was crazy, or Laurent's unsuccessful attempt to kill me had done the one thing neither James nor all my pleading with Edward had managed to accomplish in the past year.

Either I was insane, or I was a vampire.

I let out a shaky breath and tried to think it through logically. I hadn't been in the best mental health the past few months, that much I was sure of. As my mind flitted over the reason for that, the familiar gaping wound in my chest flared to life. So that hadn't changed then, either.

I could very well have gone hiking on my own, like I seemed to remember, but slipped and hit my head somewhere in the forest. I could have dreamed that I found the meadow, but that the magic there had turned into something dark and dangerous, so I could allow myself to think of Edward without reliving his rejection of me. It seemed plausible.

But then there was the pain. The memory of it felt far away, and yet still potent. I had never been in that much agony before. When James bit me in Phoenix, the venom didn't have time to spread. As much as it had hurt, I couldn't imagine it getting worse. But the pain I remembered as I stumbled through the forest after my delusion, and as I floated here in this tiny protected section of river, was so much worse than that had been. Could I really have made that up? And could I be hallucinating this now?

I pushed myself back to the edge of my root enclosure and plunged my hand into the sunlight again. My skin sparkled as I knew it would, just as I had seen Edward's skin sparkle so many times. The hole in my chest rippled at the memory.

How could this be happening to me _now_? Now that I was all alone, unwanted by the vampires I had considered family, _now _fate decided to bless me with immortality? No vampire family waiting for me, and now cut off from Charlie and Renée as well? What had I done to deserve this?

I sighed and shook my head. Sitting in the middle of a river feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to help anything. I looked over my shoulder at the small cave of roots that had sheltered me through those horrible – hours? days? I wasn't sure – then turned resolutely back to the far shore.

I had never been a strong swimmer, years of lessons notwithstanding, but I found moving through the water now to be completely effortless. The current wasn't nearly as hard to fight as I had thought it would be, and my arms pulled me quickly forward. I suddenly remembered a story Edward had told me once about Carlisle swimming from England to France easily, because vampires could hold their breath indefinitely. I felt myself half shrug at the thought, and then I held my breath and dove under the water. If I started to black out from lack of oxygen, that would tell me something at least.

The water was clearer than I had thought it would be, and I could easily see each rock, each pebble that lined the riverbed, every plant growing between them, the tiny fish moving along the shoals, and the fine particles of muck that swirled in the rushing water. I turned slightly and began swimming upstream. The current might as well not have been there at all – I had had more trouble in the community pool in Phoenix than I was having now.

I swam several hundred yards up the river, examining the tiny plant and animal life as I went, and marveling at the way the sunlight reflected down through the water and illuminated the tiny bubbles and specs of dirt that moved with the current. I was so distracted by all of this that perhaps ten minutes had passed before I realized I hadn't yet needed to take a breath. My vision hadn't begun to narrow, and my lungs weren't begging me to inhale. It felt odd, not having that steady rhythm of rise and fall, but not even uncomfortable really. I really could swim to France this way if I wanted to.

With a shock I noticed the absence of something else then. I had no sense of a pulse. No blood rushing in my ears, no gentle throbbing at my neck, no twitch in my fingers. I stopped swimming and held perfectly still. My entire body, inside and out, stopped moving.

I thrust myself onto the shore, sobered by this realization. Dripping river water, I pressed my fingers to my wrist, and then to my neck. I spread my hand out flat over my heart, but there was no beat. I took a deep breath in, resuming the natural rise and fall of my chest. Still nothing. My hallucination had covered all the bases.

I knew I was lying to myself.

I took another deep breath, and aromas I hadn't noticed before began to work their way into my consciousness. I could smell the water, smell its cleanness and tell that it was fresh water. I could smell the green, growing scent of the trees around me, discern oak from pine. The moss growing on the trees was a moister fragrance, thick and earthy. On the other side of the river a flock of crows was perched in a tree, and I could smell their warmth, the muskiness of their feathers, and the decaying meat stench of their last meal. And somewhere nearby, honeysuckle and violets were blooming warm in the sunshine.

All these flavors came to me in one breath, but they were all secondary to a much stronger scent. It was floral too, but I knew it wasn't a type of flower. It was sweet and tangy, like bread and butter pickles, but richer, deeper, like the best dessert imaginable. It was cold, and I knew it should be warm, but even cold it was the best thing I had ever smelled. That breath had ignited a burning in my throat, a fierce thirst that was nearly painful.

I was moving towards the smell without conscious thought, my whole body drawn inexorably to the delicious flavor. When I realized what I was doing, I tensed every one of my muscles, clamping down on all movement and commanding my body to stay put.

I didn't need to make a decision about what kind of vampire I was going to be. Even if the Cullens would not have me, I would still live as they did. I would never kill a human, not if I could help it – and I felt fairly sure that I could.

This delicious scent could mean only one thing: human blood. Nothing else could smell this good. I was going to have to be very careful if I expected to abstain from killing, and following this was definitely not in the careful category.

But the smell was cold, I argued with myself. There's nothing there to attack. I should at least get to know the scent better, so I knew what to avoid. And maybe I could tell which way the human had gone, and then go the other way to avoid them.

I kept my muscles locked in place as I took another deep breath. Sweet and rich and tangy and floral and absolutely the best thing ever. I took a cautious step forward, following the scent upstream and into the woods. A few more steps, and then I stopped and breathed again.

And nearly gagged on the air.

There was another aroma layered over the beautiful fragrance I had been following. It smelled like wet dog. The burn in my throat was reduced to embers, my appetite suddenly gone. I took another few steps forward and took a quick, shallow breath, wrinkling my nose at the canine stench. But the human blood scent seemed to be getting stronger as well, so I pushed through the underbrush and found myself in a small clearing between the trees.

I had to laugh at myself – I should have put it together earlier. I had found the source of the cold human blood smell. There in the clearing was a tree covered in red handprints, sheltered from the rain by the thick canopy overhead. At its base was a small sharp rock, also covered in a rusty red color.

It was my own blood I had been following. I did smell delicious after all.

The reek of dog was very strong here as well. As I stared down at the rock that had impaled my hand in those last few minutes, I realized that what I had at first thought were natural dips and puddles in the forest floor were in fact huge paw prints. The entire area was crisscrossed with them. They were more than twice as large as any dog prints I had ever seen before. I knelt down near one of the clearer ones and stretched my hand as wide as it would go, and it still wasn't quite as large as the huge print.

What on earth made footprints that big? Didn't bears and mountain lions have different looking prints? I couldn't quite seem to remember. This must be what Laurent had meant by _werewolves_ – maybe I hadn't been hallucinating that after all. I leaned closer to the print and took a deep breath in through my nose. The smell was overpowering this close, but it was definitely canine.

I coughed and rocked back on my heels, trying to clear the horrible smell from my nose and mouth. I wanted to wash my entire head out with soap. Instead, I reached over and picked up the sharp, bloody little rock that had quite nearly been my undoing and cupped it in my hands. I brought it to my face and took a deep breath in, my eyes sliding closed.

The wet dog smell still clung to the rock, but the sweet aroma of human blood easily overpowered it. My throat burst into flames again and my stomach twisted painfully, but I didn't care. This scent I would remember, even if only so I could prevent myself from ever giving in to the wonderful draw of it.

I slipped the rock into my pocket, feeling its weight as a comfortable reminder of what I'd been through, and what I was going to abstain from in my new life. As I stood, my gaze fell on the red smears I had left behind on the sapling. I laid my hand over a dry print, lining my fingers up along the tree.

Those last moments, bleeding heavily and half crazed from the pain, came back to me then, but they were blurry and unclear. How long had it been? It seemed like a lifetime ago that I had lain, defeated, in this tiny grove, expecting death at any moment and hearing the voice of my beautiful delusion in my head.

What had his voice sounded like as he pleaded with me to get up? What had he looked like, standing in the river ready to take me to safety? The memories were there, but it was like they were out of focus and poorly lit. I had spent so much time and energy trying not to remember him – the throbbing in my chest now was a painful reminder of _why_ – but now that I tried, I couldn't seem to bring up the exact image of his face.

My breathing hitched and I crumpled slowly to the ground. The loneliness was suddenly crushing. I couldn't go home to Charlie, I couldn't go to the Cullens, and now even my memories of _him_ had been stolen away. How was I supposed to go forward into this new immortal life so completely and totally alone?

The wound in my chest pulsed in a monotonous and painful rhythm as I sucked in huge, gasping breaths. My eyes burned but for some reason tears would not come.

I was a newborn vampire, and I was utterly alone in the world. I laid my head on my knees and sobbed.

How had this once seemed to me to be the gateway into a family, into a love that would survive forever? How could I have dreamed about this? There was nothing beautiful or magical in this transformation. It was monstrous and unnatural and it separated me from the only people who still loved me. I could never see Charlie or Renée or Jacob again, because just being close to them would put their lives in danger.

I finally understood why Edward had fought so diligently to keep me human. The knowledge just made me cry harder.

The lack of tears was disconcerting, so completely out of step with my anguish, and the hole in my chest constricted painfully with each ragged breath, and so eventually I quieted, my head still on my knees and my eyes dry. The pain remained, unchanged, but I forced my breathing back into a normal pattern and slowly unfolded myself. I could sit here and cry forever, I was quite sure, but what would happen when some innocent hiker stumbled across me?

No, I needed help, I decided as I scrubbed at my too-dry eyes. I needed someone to show me how to cope with this new reality. The Cullens had removed themselves from my life, so I would just have to find someone else. By instinct, my thoughts turned to the last vampire I had seen, the last one who had called me by name and reassured me that it hadn't all been a dream. But my mind recoiled from this idea – Laurent had attacked me, tried to kill me, and left me for dead in the forest. How could I go to him for help?

But what other choice was there? He was the only one I had any hope of finding who was safe for me to be around now, and who knew what I was going through. And Laurent had said it wasn't personal, hadn't he? He had to have known what would happen, leaving me like that.

I stood and sniffed at the air in the tiny grove. Beneath the stink of werewolf and the heady scent of human blood was a lighter smell, still sweet and floral, but not quite as rich and tangy as the blood itself. It led to the river bank in one direction, and into the woods in the other. I turned my back on the river, and on the sapling red with my blood, and followed my own trail into the woods.

The werewolf stench did not fade as I left the grove, but stayed constant as I followed the trail of my scent back towards where Laurent had dropped me, and several times I caught sight of another massive paw print preserved in the mud, always leading back to the river. With a chill I realized I wasn't the first to follow this path. Had the giant beasts gone after me, the weaker prey, instead of Laurent, then?

My scent was washed out in some places, diluted by the rain over the last few days, but the canine stench remained strong. I walked at a good pace, no longer worried about tripping, but I was surprised at how long it took me to reach the point where my trail diverged from Laurent's. My hallucination had led me further than I thought – and probably saved my life in the process. I shivered at the realization.

The trail of my scent stopped in a bramble of underbrush and was joined by another, even sweeter aroma. To my left, my scent was combined with this new trail, and to my right, Laurent's scent – sandalwood and jasmine and cinnamon, warm and sweet, even though it was several days old – continued on alone. The werewolf stink was strong here as well.

For a fraction of a second I considered turning left and following our trail back to the meadow. Laurent's trail was here, and I could pick it up again later and follow it wherever it led without much difficulty. Maybe the meadow would look different in today's sunshine, maybe to my new eyes it would seem different, maybe—

I stopped breathing and shut down the thought at the same moment, as a painful spasm ripped through my chest. If I went back there, the only thing I would see would be me, alone, sparkling in the sunlight with no one to share it with. He was gone, and I was alone. Seeing the empty proof of it once again would only hurt more.

I wrapped my arms around my chest and turned to the right, following Laurent's scent away from the sunny meadow filled with ghosts.


	4. Chapter 4: Chase

**Chapter 4 – Chase**

My newfound ability to go indefinitely without breathing was an unexpected blessing, easing some of the pressure on the hole in my chest and making it easier to walk upright. But unfortunately I needed my sense of smell to follow Laurent's scent as it plunged deeper into the unfamiliar forest, so I was forced to take a shallow breath every few feet.

I was shocked to find that the wolf stench kept pace with Laurent's trail, and the paw prints I spotted here and there pointed not only the way I was going, but the way I had come as well. Had the werewolves given up on Laurent at some point and doubled back to try to find me? I tried to convince myself that this must be the case, but the longer I followed the double scent trail of Laurent and the werewolves, the less convincing that thought became.

I broke into a jog, still only breathing enough to keep track of the path Laurent had taken. Even with wolves this big, even with more than one of them, and even if they actually were yet another myth come to life as Laurent had seemed to imply – even then, surely they were no match for a vampire. Laurent must have beaten one or more of them and the rest must have run off, going back to try to find an easier meal in me. The wolf trail had to end any minute now, and I would find evidence of the fight, with Laurent's scent leading off in the other direction, I was certain of that.

I ran faster, easily avoiding roots and branches that would have tripped me when I was human. Any minute now, any minute now…

Abruptly another aroma drifted over the twin trails I was following. It was sweet and heavy, like incense – precisely like sandalwood, jasmine, and cinnamon incense, I realized with a sinking feeling in my stomach that I didn't quite understand. I pushed myself still faster, bursting from the trees into a wide clearing.

The clearing was strangely devoid of undergrowth, as though someone had uprooted everything that had once grown there, leaving dimpled mud in a rough, uneven circle up to the tree line. In the center of the clearing was the remains of a large bonfire, a small tendril of deep purple smoke curling up from the still smoldering ashes. The fragrance of incense was thick despite the fresh forest air and the sunlight slanting into the clearing.

As I slowly approached the dying fire, I realized that the mud here, like the ground surrounding the sapling I had bled on, was covered in huge wolf prints. Mixed in with these in infrequent intervals were bare human footprints. Was this the evidence of a fight, then? And if it was, why the bonfire? Why would Laurent have needed to start a fire? To burn the werewolves he had killed? I tried to remember if I knew of any werewolf legends that involved burning the bodies.

I circled the remains of the fire cautiously, feeling uneasy. The quicker I could pick up Laurent's trail again and be away from this strange clearing the better. I looped around the blackened pile of ashes twice, then did a circuit along the edge of the clearing, but could not find the sweet smell that would indicate which way Laurent had gone. The only scents here were the wet-dog werewolf stink, and the nearly chokingly heavy incense.

I made my way back over to the fire, crouching down to examine one of the clearer human footprints. The incense smell was nagging at a corner of my mind, pulling on a memory that I couldn't quite seem to access. Everything before waking up in the river was cloudy and indistinct, but this in particular seemed to be buried even deeper.

The dimming sunlight glittering on the slightly raised crescent-shaped scar on my hand caught my eye suddenly. It matched the rest of my skin now, just as cold and pale and shimmery as the rest, but the raised texture sent rainbows shining off in different directions.

And then like a key in a lock, the memory was suddenly clear – the thick, heavy incense smell fighting with the scent of gasoline, the searing pain in my hand, Edward's voice in my ear…

Laurent hadn't burned the bodies of the werewolves. Someone had killed and burned Laurent.

As I stumbled back, trying to wrap my mind around this reality, a sound from the other side of the clearing drew my attention. It was whisper quiet, just something soft brushing against the vegetation, but in the silence of the clearing it was like an alarm bell. My head snapped up and I locked eyes with one of the largest animals I had ever seen, standing in the shadows of the trees at the edge of the clearing. It reminded me of a Clydesdale – easily as tall as a horse, but even more muscular – and distinctly canine. I didn't need to smell the huge brown wolf to know that it was responsible for the dinner-plate sized footprints that surrounded me.

I stared into the animal's dark eyes for a fraction of a second, then turned and ran. I dashed into the forest in the opposite direction, not really knowing where I was going, nor caring. Laurent had run from them, and even with all his speed and strength, they had still killed him. I sprinted as fast as I could, wringing every ounce of speed from my new vampire limbs.

Behind me I could hear the wolf giving chase, growling and barking, but he didn't seem to be gaining on me. An ear-splitting howl echoed through the forest, somewhere off to my left; I managed to not break stride despite the shock and panic building in my chest. I angled away from it, willing my body to go still faster.

I could hear more of them behind me now, distinct sounds of pursuit that my mind didn't have to sort through to decipher. Three behind me, with a fourth on my left, still far enough behind that he wouldn't be able to flank me.

Instinct took over as I flew through the trees, my body automatically adjusting to avoid any obstructions in my path as my mind raced. Four giant wolves behind me – no, five, there was another coming in from the left – werewolves who by all appearances had killed Laurent and burned his body, and who would have no qualms in doing the same to me.

My mind seemed boundless as I ran, calculating the distance of the werewolves based on the sounds of pursuit, directing my body around every tree and root that threatened to slow me, and grappling with the loss of Laurent and this new reality of yet another fairy tale come true. One part of my mind was distinctly aware of the cardinal directions, aware that I was running nearly due north through the afternoon sunlight, while another small corner was aware of my thirst, of the parched burning in my throat that had nothing to do with the air rushing in and out of my lungs.

In the furthest corner from that corner, I wondered where my hallucination was. Since I had woken up from my zombie state all those weeks ago, every dangerous act had been punctuated by his presence, his voice in my ear telling me to stop being so stupid. And in those last moments, after Laurent had left me for dead, urging me forward, away from the werewolves… Where was he now? Where was his voice, directing me to safety?

Abruptly the forest ended, the sunshine sending rainbows dancing across the asphalt under my feet. I didn't dare stop running as I looked quickly to each side. The asphalt stretched away from me to the east and the west, with lanes clearly marked in faded yellow paint. Directly ahead of me was a wide expanse of glittering blue.

The world seemed to lurch to the side, and I suddenly knew exactly where I was. I was crossing the narrow ribbon of the 101 as it wound its way along the southern shore of Lake Crescent, the half-way mark between Forks and Port Angeles. I had driven this road dozens of times in the year since I had moved to Forks, and the sudden normalcy of it overlaid on my current situation – a _vampire_ being chased by a pack of _werewolves_ – made me dizzy.

All these thoughts whipped through my head at a speed to rival my flight as I dashed across the highway, vaulted over the guardrail, and plunged into the lake. I was swimming as soon as I hit the water, grateful that I no longer needed to breathe and wasn't bothered by the frigid temperatures of the lake.

Could werewolves swim? I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to take the time to look back to see. I swam with the same ferocity with which I had run, clawing at the water as I pulled myself through it. The wolves were in the water now too; I could hear all five of them splashing. They seemed to be falling behind. My silent heart leapt in my chest, and I pushed myself still faster, trying to make the most of my narrow lead.

I crossed the lake in a matter of minutes and wrenched myself from the water onto the northern shore, rainbows of refracted light and droplets of water sparkling in the sun as I scrambled up the steep embankment. The splashing of the wolves continued unabated, more than a half mile behind me.

I continued due north, and while my body ran my mind flew. The wolves seemed to be slower in the water than on land, but there was no guarantee that they wouldn't be able to catch up to me once they were out of the lake. They almost certainly knew these woods much better than I did, and could use that to their advantage – at any moment, I could come to an unscalable cliff face and be forced to double back. My body felt as if it could run at this speed forever, but my plan of racing north as fast as I could wouldn't work forever. At some point I would—

At some point, I would come to the ocean, I realized with a small start. During the summer, I had taken the ferry across the strait that separated Washington from British Columbia, on a shopping trip with Alice. Indistinct images of that happy, rainy day sprung to my mind, but I quickly banished them, the hole in my chest pulsing dully.

I could swim across the strait as easily as I swam across the lake. Carlisle swam to France, I could do this. I was faster than the werewolves in the water, and they hadn't been able to follow my trail after my hallucination led me into the river. Getting to the ocean was my one hope of escaping them.

I pushed myself still faster, angling slightly to the east as the smells of human habitation began to bombard me from the northwest. What towns were on this part of the coast? Had I been here before? My memory was choppy and indistinct, and I couldn't pull up an image of a map of this area. Whatever sleepy human village lay nestled on the shoreline here, I could be certain that a hungry newborn vampire leading a pack of werewolves through the center of town in broad daylight would not end well. I clung to the safety of the forest, praying that it would lead me all the way to the ocean.

The terrain, which had been steadily climbing since the northern edge of the lake, now began to slant downhill. Running uphill hadn't slowed me, but I used the realization that I was nearing sea level to wring another sprint out of my muscles. I could hear the wolves behind me again, all five of them spread out in a wedge formation as they raced through the woods. I had gained a lot of ground while they struggled in the water, and with the downward slope of the ground, I hoped I could reach the ocean before they could realize what I intended.

For a brief moment, the forest was once again split by asphalt with faded yellow lines, but I was across this gap and into the safety of the trees on the northern side before I had consciously processed the information. Clouds had gathered overhead, and my skin merely glowed faintly.

The first hints of salt water began to filter through the mossy scents of the forest, urging me onward. I raced forward, listening intently to the sounds of pursuit. Minutes later, I could hear the crash of the surf against the sand ahead of me, and the vegetation around me made the subtle shift from rainforest to beach, pale sand occupying more of the spaces between plants. And then the trees parted, and all that lay ahead of me was sand and breaking waves, calling me to safety.

I rushed across the sand, grateful that the clouds had returned to shield me from any curious eyes. The beach seemed deserted, so I plunged directly into the water, using my arms to pull myself away from the shore.

I heard the moment the wolves reached the beach, heard their giant paws on the sand even over the roar of the ocean. I tensed, still clawing my way through the waves, waiting for the sounds of pursuit, but none came. All five of the wolves continued to pace the beach, the shifting sand lending an air of anxiety to their movements. Had they given up the chase? Or was there another way around? Could they cut me off?

No, there was the ferry in Port Angeles, and the long land route south past Olympia then back around northeast and into Canada via the mainland. If they didn't follow me in the water now, I might be able to lose them completely.

I listened to the werewolves pacing on the sandy beach for several more minutes before diving deeper under the waves, where it was easier to swim but harder to hear. With my speed in the water and my head start, even if they started after me now, they would have very little hope of reaching me. And I could stay in the water, deep beneath the surface if need be, for as long as I wanted.

I relaxed slightly, but continued my quick pace through the water. It took me maybe twenty minutes to cross the several miles of open ocean that separated the northern shore of Washington from the southern shore of British Columbia. The sea floor came up to meet me as I swam deep in the dark water, and I followed its steep curve to where the waves were crashing against a rocky beach.

I hauled myself from the water, pushing my hair back from my face and feeling more than a bit like a drowned rat. The beach quickly gave way to sharp bluffs, with a small path curving around one side, leading to the top. I still had heard no sounds of pursuit in the water, so I allowed myself to move at a slightly slower pace as I scaled the rocky outcropping overlooking the ocean.

I reached the top and turned to look back towards the south, across the strait. The giant werewolves were easy to pick out, even at that distance. I counted four wolves, two pacing and two sitting back on their haunches, and quickly scanned the water between us for the fifth. Had I missed the sounds of one wolf in the water? Was there another way around I had forgotten about?

I glanced back and saw that a tall, russet-skinned man – shirtless despite the cold rain that had begun to fall – had joined the four wolves on the beach. Instinctively I tensed, afraid of what the werewolves would do to this wayward human, but after a moment I realized that he seemed completely at ease with the giant animals, standing in the midst of their pacing, panting forms.

As I stood staring at him across several miles of open ocean, the man turned his dark eyes to me, as though he could see me as well. The wolves, too, all turned in my direction, and I felt the small hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I started to edge back from the cliff face, unable to tear my eyes from the wolf pack across the strait from me.

The largest of them, a giant black-haired beast, rose smoothly to his feet, gave me one last glance, and loped easily back into the forest. The others followed suit, watching me over their shoulders as they disappeared under the trees, leaving the man standing alone on the beach, still staring at me.

A strong wind whipped across the strait from the south, and I tensed myself for the scent of human blood that I knew would come.

The smell that reached me, however, was not quite what I was expecting. It was warm and rich, but thick with the stench of wet dog – not quite the same as the trail left by the werewolves through the forest, but similar. Before I had time to react, the man gave me one last dark look, then turned and followed the wolves into the forest.

The chill working its way down my spine would not allow me to stand still any longer, so I turned back towards the north and fled.


	5. Chapter 5: Into the Wild

**Chapter 5 – Into the Wild**

I ran for close to an hour before the fear began to wane. Fatigue was a foreign concept to this body, but eventually the stress and the wracking sobs made me slow. I came to a stop and slumped to the ground at the foot of a large oak tree. Once again no tears accompanied my cries, but my body shook violently.

I could barely wrap my mind around what had just happened. It was simply too much in too short a time. Laurent attacking me, my hallucination, waking up changed, the werewolves, all of it. It was too much.

I sucked in deep, unnecessary breaths, trying to calm my racing thoughts. I was alone, completely alone. The thought echoed over and over in my head, even as I tried to grasp the events which had just taken place. I was alone, and the totality of it was crushing.

I couldn't go back to Washington, that much was clear. I was fairly certain that the giant wolves wouldn't chase me up here, but the coastline seemed to be the edge of their territory, and if I crossed back into that territory… I shuddered at the thought, the incense smell of Laurent's pyre still strong in my memory.

Forks had once held nearly everyone I loved, and now not only could I never see them again, I could never go back to those enchanted, cursed woods either. Charlie had tried to send me to Florida with Renée last fall, when things had been at their worst, and I had refused to go—

The memory sent a white hot spike of pain ripping through my chest, the raw edges of the wound pulsing. I curled into a ball and gasped for breath before remembering that I no longer needed to breathe. I cut off my breathing like switching off a light, and clutched my arms around my chest as the pain continued, unabated.

I had refused to go to Florida with Renée because Forks was my _home_, the last bit of proof that I hadn't dreamed him, and given a choice I would have stayed there now, even as a vampire. I needed that proof. I needed to know that the pain now was because of the joy then, that it had all been real. And now I couldn't ever go back.

The memories churned through my head unrestrained, out of focus and indistinct, and yet very specific and horribly painful. I tried to lock them back up, force them behind the walls I had built to contain them these past months, but my mind was so much broader now.

I tried to focus on this moment, on the reality of the situation, pushing the memories away as forcefully as I could. I couldn't go back to Forks. Laurent was dead. I was a newborn vampire, and I needed help. I repeated these in my head over and over, until they became simple, unemotional facts. Slowly the pain began to ease.

I needed to find other vampires, but without a clear trail to track, as I had with Laurent's, finding them wouldn't be easy. Besides which, any vampires I stumbled across were not likely to be vegetarians – how could I learn how to hunt animals and resist humans if I joined up with the first vampires I came across?

A half-repressed memory from my meeting with Laurent in the meadow bubbled to the surface then, as though in answer to my unasked question.

"_So how are things working out in Denali? Carlisle said you were staying with Tanya?"_

Tanya and her sisters, the other vegetarian family, who lived in Denali, Alaska. Laurent had found them, and they had welcomed him in, even though he had "cheated" from time to time. If they had taken in Laurent, would they do the same for me?

I sat up at the foot of the tree and scrubbed at my too-dry eyes. The Denali clan, like the Cullens, were settled in one place; it would be easy to find them. And as vegetarians, they could teach me what I needed to know, help me to keep from taking a human life. I smiled in spite of myself, feeling decidedly less hopeless.

The flaw in my plan, I realized suddenly, was that I had no idea where Denali was. Alaska was a big place, and I had only the vaguest idea of its geography. I also had absolutely no clue where I was now. Somewhere in British Columbia, I assumed, having run mostly north from the coast for about an hour. Getting from Point A to Point B was significantly more complicated when I didn't know where Point A or B were.

I sighed. There were some things not even vampire abilities could solve. I needed a map, and I needed a landmark of where I was. And both of those would require venturing into human territory.

I gnawed on my lip, stopping when I realized how much sharper my teeth were now. That actually hurt.

Finding a town would be the easy part – I could smell them literally miles away. Gas stations and the like often had maps for sale, and my little old wallet was still tucked into the leg pocket of my cargo pants. I could buy a map like a normal person, use the address of the gas station to find myself on the map, and then plan a route to Denali that would take me around the more populated areas.

But that would mean getting close to humans, interacting with humans. Could I take that risk?

On the other hand, could I risk _not_ doing what it took to get to Denali? Without help, I was a danger to any human I might run across. Wouldn't it be better to go in intentionally, prepared for what I would encounter, rather than risk the outcome of a chance meeting with a hiker?

Slowly, painfully, I pushed my mind into the memories locked away all those months ago and now buried by my transformation. What had Edward done to prepare himself to be near me? The memories were still horribly indistinct, his face a blur of nondescript features and golden eyes and bronze hair, all the shapes with none of the details. I tried to look for the information without remembering the specific events, without smelling the sweet scent of his breath or remembering the electricity that passed between us…

I clenched my eyes shut and focused. He had hunted, feeding as much as he could, hoping to dull the thirst. And at times he had seemed to stop breathing, shutting out my scent completely, I realized now. I wrapped my arms around myself as the hole in my chest raged, the memories bearing down on me and threatening to drown me.

Feed first, and don't breathe. Get the map, get to Denali, get help. I repeated it in my head until the memories started to fade.

_Feed first._ Well that was easier said than done. I had no idea where to begin. Theoretically my new vampire instincts should lead me through the process, but what if they led me directly to a human? And assuming I could keep myself away from humans, what would I hunt?

In my broad and unrestricted mind, my memories never seemed completely tucked away, and now my subconscious assaulted me with a scene I had managed to keep hidden from myself for months:

"_Grizzly is Emmett's favorite."_

"_Hmmm… So, what's your favorite?"_

"_Mountain lion."_

The high school cafeteria in those early days, the secret new and strange, but still nowhere near as exciting as the boy sitting across from me. I wrapped my arms around my middle again as a sob bubbled up from deep in my chest, and willed the memories away. That part of my mind was on auto-pilot, flipping through the memories of Edward talking about hunting, and cared little for my pain.

"_Is that something I might get to see?"_

"_Absolutely not!"_

I wrenched my arms tighter around me, the hole in my chest threatening to tear me in two. The memory of his anger was more painful now than it had been at the time. Shutting me out even then, keeping me away from his world.

"_When we hunt, we give ourselves over to our senses, govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way…"_

Maybe a part of him had always known he would get bored with me. Maybe he kept me at arm's length because he knew it was only a matter of time until he said goodbye…

"_But I'm not saying goodbye," I said._

"_Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it – if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."_

"_And you don't think I would do the same?"_

"_You'd never have to make the choice."_

Another ragged sob ripped itself from my throat. Why _that_ memory? Why torture myself with his early declarations of love, with this twisted mirror image of reality – that he left not because he loved me, but because he had grown bored of me?

"_Sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else."_

"_Perceptive," he whispered._

I buried my head in my arms and sobbed.

–o–

Time ceased to have any meaning as I laid at the base of the oak tree, lost in my sorrow. When I came back to myself, the sun was slightly lower behind the ever-present clouds, but a full day could have passed while I laid there for all I knew. The memories and the pain they brought with them were still there in my boundless mind, but I pushed them away and compartmentalized them as well as I could.

The idea of never moving from this spot was tempting. But I hadn't given up when I had still been a weak little human, and I wouldn't give up now that I had the whole of eternity laid out before me. For some reason the fates had conspired to keep me alive – or whatever this existence without a heartbeat could be called – through all the dangers of the last several days, and I wasn't about to waste this second chance.

I stood and brushed myself off, filling my mind with textureless white noise to keep at bay everything but the task at hand: hunting. Hunt, feed, get a map, get to Denali. Nothing else would be allowed to enter my mind.

But this brought me back to my previous question – what to hunt? I pushed the memories back with my wall of white noise, the hole in my chest thudding dully, and tried to think it through logically.

The Cullens had always expressed a preference for carnivores, feeling that the large predators had more in common with a vampire's natural diet than herbivores did. I tried to imagine myself taking down a grizzly bear or a coyote, and the thought made me shudder. Rationally I knew I was pretty nearly indestructible now, but the idea of fighting something with claws was still terrifying. Right, so no claws, no sharp teeth.

That left herbivores, which seemed like a good place to start for my first hunting trip. I didn't need gourmet, I just needed to not be starving when I went into town for my maps – a painful twist in my stomach and a resurgence of the burning at the back of my throat reminded me that I was, actually, quite thirsty, despite the fact that it had been the last thing on my mind since I awoke.

Of course, never having hunted before, would I be able to tell the difference between a moose and a bear based on smell alone? So far I had been able to identify vampire, werewolf, and human. I would just have to trust my instincts to guide me to something edible, and trust my will power to keep me from tracking down a human if I caught that particular scent.

I sighed and turned north, setting off at an easy pace. As I walked, I realized suddenly that I had no internal reference for how quickly I was moving, or how I would look to an outside observer. I was walking, not running, and there wasn't the rush of wind like when I ran. The movement seemed natural and relaxed to me, but would it look frightening and unnatural to a human? Had the Cullens spent years perfecting moving in slow motion to appear normal?

I flinched as memories tried to break through my wall of white noise, and I shoved them back again, strengthening the wall. This was just one more reason I so needed the help of others of my kind, to learn how to move and talk and act around humans. I would just have to force myself to move with extreme slowness when it came time to buy the maps…

I was distracted from my thoughts by a new smell intersecting my path just ahead. I couldn't put a name to the scent, but somehow I knew it was an animal – it smelled meaty and earthy and warm. My stomach grumbled greedily, but the burn in my throat was mild. Not human, but definitely edible. The animal had left no footprints over this rocky terrain, but I hardly needed those to track it.

I turned and followed its trail through the underbrush towards the northwest, the smell growing stronger and warmer as I went. A few minutes later, my keen hearing picked up a faint murmur of a sound, distinct from the rest of the forest noises – a heartbeat. I increased my pace, moving completely silently, something that still managed to surprise me.

And then it was not one heartbeat, but two, one higher and faster than the other, though both were calm and steady. Two animals, then? I knew I should probably feed until I was stuffed, but could I take down two animals at once? I hurried forward silently, instinctively dropping into a predatory crouch.

Through the trees I finally caught a glimpse of the source of the smell and the twin heartbeats: a doe and a fawn stood in a small clearing just ahead, nibbling at the grass that grew there. A light drizzle had started up, and in the fading light they looked absolutely picturesque, mother and child grazing together, unaware of the danger lurking just feet away.

I had seen _Bambi_ one too many times to honestly consider killing either of them.

I sighed and crept away, careful not to alert them to my presence. I turned back to the east and broke into an easy jog, sniffing the air around me for new scents. After a few minutes, I caught a second trail, similar to the scent of the deer, but muskier and deeper. I adjusted my course as the fire at the back of my throat burned just slightly brighter. Again the heartbeat alerted me to the animal's proximity, and soon after my keen eyes caught sight of it through the trees – a moose, standing easily as tall as the biggest of the werewolves, his antlers branching out majestically from his head as he meandered through the forest.

My stomach clenched and my mouth began to water – venom, I realized, sweet and slick – and in a split-second decision, I gave myself over to my instincts. I crouched low, running silently between the trees towards the huge beast, my hands extended slightly out to each side, my fingers naturally curling into claws…

I leapt at the moose from still several feet away, before he had a chance to hear me or catch my scent. My body seemed to know exactly what to do, precisely where to aim, and as I knocked the huge creature to the ground, my mouth automatically found his jugular.

Past all rational thought, I bit down, some instinct telling me not to bite all the way through the fur and skin and muscle, but to ease up just as it began to give way. Hot blood flooded into my mouth, quenching the flame in my throat. I drank it all greedily, let it consume me from the inside out. The animal's wild, erratic heartbeat became my heartbeat, and my body sang with life. It was as though this was all there had ever been or ever would be. My mind was primitive and thoughtless, and I reveled in the joy of a good kill and a full stomach.

–o–

It was raining in earnest when my mind was once again my own. I was sitting motionless on the ground next to the body of the moose, my clothes beginning to cling to me as fat raindrops rolled off the leaves and branches above. I had done it. I had hunted. I had followed my instincts and killed something that wasn't human. Perhaps there was hope for me after all, I thought wryly.

I stood and wiped my face on my sleeve, which came away with a disturbing amount of blood. I supposed I couldn't be expected to do everything perfect the first time around. I wet my hands on nearby leaves and wiped my face again. I couldn't very well go into town covered in moose blood.

Looking back down at the moose, I was shocked to find that it was much larger than I had remembered it being. In my frenzied state, I had judged it to be satisfyingly large. Looking at it now, it seemed massive and frightening, even lying still and gray on its side on the forest floor. The antlers I had admired as _majestic_ now looked perfectly capable of inflicting a great deal of damage.

And yet I had killed it, and easily. This animal that was three or four times my size had been no match for my new instincts, my new strength and speed.

For the first time since I had considered the word _vampire _as more than just a myth, I was truly frightened. With James and Victoria and even Laurent, they seemed like humans – bloodthirsty humans who did not shy away from violence, with more speed and strength than most people, but essentially still humans.

But looking down at this massive creature that I had killed with hardly any effort, I suddenly understood. I wasn't human. I wasn't even superhuman. I was a monster.

I sank slowly to the forest floor beside the moose's head, numb with shock. His eyes were still open, staring up towards the sky as they became cloudy in death. I reached out to close them for him, but paused with my hand poised over one huge eye. I had killed him so easily; what damage could I do with a careless flick of my wrist? He had given his life for mine, this giant, wonderful animal, and he deserved every measure of respect I could give him now.

With this thought firmly in my mind, I lowered my hand as gently as possible. I made it the softest touch, barely brushing his eyelid with my fingertips. It slid closed, and I breathed a sigh of relief, then gently lifted his head and closed his other eye.

I rocked back on my haunches and considered him. He looked almost peaceful with his eyes closed and his long legs stretched out. Almost peaceful, and yet still dead – dead because of me.

I hadn't been raised to pray over meals, but this felt different for some reason. This wasn't a pizza or packaged hamburger, this was an animal that I had killed, just now, to feed my body. I had ended a life so that my own could continue, so that I could get the tools I needed to get to those who would help me keep from killing a human as easily as I had killed this moose.

Laying my hand on his giant forehead, I whispered a few words of thanks under my breath. Thankful for his life, thankful for his blood. Thankful that he had come along when he had. Thankful for his sacrifice. And more sorry than I had words for that I was the monster that had to kill him.

I spent the next half hour digging a grave for my moose.

–o–

It took me another hour running north through the uninhabited woods before I caught the scent of human civilization. I could smell asphalt and the lingering scent of car exhaust up ahead of me – the highway. I stayed to the trees, skirting cabins and small houses until I came to the narrow ribbon of pavement cutting through the wilderness. The highway ran nearly east-west here, and I could smell the ocean not far away. I struggled to remember the geography of this area, and after a moment realized I must have come to the eastern shore of Vancouver Island.

I turned towards the west and followed the highway as it began to swing around north, following the shoreline of the island. The scent of humans increased as I continued northwest, and despite being quite full from the moose, the smell ignited the burn at the back of my throat again. I stopped my breathing and continued on.

A few minutes later, I caught sight of a sign which declared, in large reflective letters, that this was Route 19 leading into the town of Nanoose Bay in just a few miles. Beneath this was the distinctive symbol for gas station. The sight of it reminded me of the _Welcome to Forks_ sign I had grown to love over the last year. I banished the thought from my mind, pushing it back behind my wall of white noise, and trudged on.

The gas station, it turned out, was directly off the highway and surrounded by trees on three sides – exactly what I needed. A small convenience store sat behind the rows of pumps, its lights spilling out in the gathering dusk. I stayed under the trees and crept around behind the store to the hill on the western side of the gas station, listening carefully to the humans so close at hand now. There were three people outside, filling their cars and trucks at the pumps, and another two inside the convenience store. I could hear each of their heartbeats distinctly. I knew that if I allowed myself to take a breath, they would each have their own flavorful, tempting scents. My throat burned just at the thought.

I found a spot on the hill which afforded me a clear view into the store through its large windows. As I settled in to watch, the normalcy of the gas station struck me with a whole new kind of pain. Just a few days ago, this had been my world – humans coming and going, filling their cars, filling their stomachs, living, breathing – but I was now forever barred from that world. I sighed and pushed the thought from my mind; there would be plenty of time for self-pity on the long run to Denali.

I watched the store until well past sunset, waiting as the flow of people in and out of the station slowed. There was a teenage boy, probably about my age, working the cash register, though his attention was often diverted by the television behind the counter. The screen was pointed away from me so I couldn't tell what he was watching, but it seemed like something much more interesting than a security camera feed.

As the last customer pulled away from the gas station, I sat listening for a moment. The highway was clear in both directions for as far as my hearing reached. This was probably my best chance to slip into the store with minimal human presence. Just the boy, and as long as I kept myself in control and didn't breathe, I could get the maps and get out of there without any disastrous consequences.

I pulled a waterlogged bill from my wallet and flattened it against my thigh. Hopefully the boy wouldn't look too closely at the money and realize it wasn't Canadian. Hopefully he wouldn't ask any questions.

Hopefully I would get out of there before the desire to kill him overtook me.

I sighed and squared my shoulders. I could do this.

I forced myself to move slowly as I walked down the hill towards the store, tried to draw each step out into a prolonged, distinct movement. Scaring the human boy with unnatural behavior would not be helpful to anyone. I approached the store slowly, cautiously, listening for any sounds from the highway. The setting sun stretched my shadow out long in front of me, until it was swallowed by the bright lights of the store.

A bell chimed when I opened the door, and I was momentarily lost in the resonating facets of the sound, echoing far longer, far purer than any human would ever hear. What would music sound like to my new ears, when a little tinny bell could sound that beautiful? I hadn't listened to any music in so long, and I was suddenly glad that it would be a brand new experience when I finally did.

I stood just inside the door wrapped up in the dying tones of the bell for the space of a single human heartbeat before the boy grunted a vague greeting at me and then turned immediately back to the hockey game he had been watching on the TV. Now that I was inside, the sound of his heartbeat was nearly overpowering. It was a wet, sloppy sound, singing with life, and even without the accompanying scent the fire at the back of my throat roared to life.

I swallowed the venom that had begun to pool in my mouth and focused on my task. A carousel of maps stood just inside the door, only feet from the teenage boy and the wet beating of his heart, so steady and unafraid. I walked to it with my slow, exaggerated steps, watching the boy from the corner of my eye for any indication that I had frightened him.

A map of British Columbia was facing me, so I picked it up, reminding myself to move slowly and gently. Below it, a map of Washington mocked me with its familiarity. I turned the carousel, only barely managing to hold onto _gently_. Oregon, Alberta. Turn. Vancouver metro, Victoria metro, turn. The Yukon, the Northwest Territories…

I turned the carousel again, starting to panic. They had to have a map of Alaska, they had to. I couldn't do this again.

I turned it again, willing my hand to move slowly, while another part of my brain calculated how far north I would need to get before I was likely to find a store with a map of Alaska, and what preparations I would have to make to go into the presence of humans again, and what the chances were that it would possibly go this smoothly a second time…

And then I saw it, tucked behind the map for Washington: one map of Alaska, dusty along its top ridge and just slightly yellowed. I resisted the urge to sigh in relief, worried that I would accidentally take a breath. I gently plucked the map from its hiding spot, irrationally worried that it would crumble to dust in my hand, and turned to take my hard-won prizes to the cash register.

The teenage boy still hadn't looked at me, his focus completely on the hockey game on the television, which was for the best. I could only imagine what I looked like – bedraggled form the river, the lake, the ocean, bright red eyes, blood from my last meal on my clothing…

I approached the counter slowly, listening carefully to the beating of his heart and testing my resolve with every step. I would not kill him. I would not touch him. I would buy my maps and go, and he wouldn't even remember me as a strange customer. I could do this.

I stopped at arm's length from the counter and delicately set my maps down. The boy barely glanced at them, his attention immediately diverted back to the TV as he rung them up and put them in a plastic bag.

"Eighteen fifty," he mumbled at me, his eyes still glued to the hockey game. Thankfully my hearing was such that I didn't have to ask him to repeat himself.

I smoothed out my twenty dollar bill again and laid it carefully on the counter, hoping he wouldn't look too closely at it, either. Then, as gently and slowly as I could – though I was certain that if he had been watching, my movements would have seemed far too fast to the boy – I picked up the plastic bag and turned for the exit, allowing myself the luxury of exhaling some of the pent-up air in my lungs as I reached the door.

"Thanks," the kid called out behind me, his tone bored.

Something like adrenaline coursed through my body, and I fled.

A good mile later I slowed and stopped, the bag still clutched in my hand. I had done it. I had stood in front of a human and had not killed him. I took a deep breath in and expelled the stale air from my lungs, and felt myself smile. I had done it.

I found an open patch of dirt under the branches of several fir trees and opened up my maps. I found the small town of Nanoose Bay on the British Columbia map easily enough, more or less directly north from where I had crossed into Canada along the coast. Denali proved a bit more difficult, as the Alaskan map didn't have an alphabetical reference of towns and cities. A methodical search with my sharp vision revealed the small, unassuming dot on the map after only a few minutes of study.

I stared at the dot with its tiny blue letters beside it declaring that this, this is Denali, and wondered what I would find there. Would that little dot ever be home for me, the way Forks had been?

I sighed and began plotting out my route through British Columbia and into Alaska and then to Denali, keeping close enough to towns and highways that I wouldn't lose my way, but far enough away from population centers that I wouldn't put anyone at risk. The way would be easy now that I had my Point A and Point B. All I had to do was run.

–o–

I ran through the night and into the next day, anxious to get to Denali, anxious to get to those who could help me. Anxious to find a new place to call home.


	6. Chapter 6: Denali

**Chapter 6 – Denali**

I had to circle the small town of Denali twice, giving the sleeping human populace a wide berth, before I finally picked up an unusual, sweet aroma. It wasn't quite the same as Laurent's scent – more floral, and more varied, as though it was the smell of several different individuals – but I knew it could only mean vampires.

The trail led away from the town and into the rolling hills and sparse evergreen forest to the northwest. The scent got stronger as I followed it in the moonlight, and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before I found myself on their doorstep. Suddenly I was nervous. I had come all this way, running for more than twenty-four hours across the length of British Columbia and through nearly half of Alaska, and now I was going to, what? Ring the doorbell?

What would I say to them? How could I explain myself? How would they react to an unwanted newborn showing up so unexpectedly? How would they feel about Laurent's role in all this? What would they make of my previous ties to the Cullens? What if they didn't want me around?

But I had nowhere else to go, I reminded myself. It was this, or wandering aimlessly, a vagabond, all alone. When the scent trail turned down a gravel driveway, I made a deal with myself: if they didn't want me, I wouldn't stay. I wouldn't impose on anyone. Once I had learned what I needed to know to keep myself alive and to keep from feeding on humans I would go, if they didn't want me.

As I rounded a bend in the gravel drive, I caught sight of a small woman standing in the middle of the drive, still several hundred yards away, her arms crossed over her chest. Though the darkness did not hinder me as it once would have, I couldn't quite make out her face yet. But something about her dark hair and pale skin, shimmering slightly in the starlight, made me quite sure she was a vampire.

For one agonizing fraction of a second, I thought it was Alice, here to meet me. I shook my head. There had to be other short, dark-haired female vampires in the world. In fact, that pretty well described me now.

So I was expected then? Had they caught my scent, as I had caught theirs? The introductions and explanations I was dreading were only moments away. I swallowed past the dry burning in my throat and continued forward at a slightly slower pace, nothing too threatening.

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?" the woman asked as I got closer, louder than necessary for my ears.

My eyes snapped up to look at her again, and I stopped dead in my tracks. Even my breathing stopped. I still subconsciously expected to feel the thudding of my heart in my chest, but of course it, too, was silent. I stared at her, examining all the small details I had either forgotten or had never noticed with my weak human eyes.

Either it was actually Alice, or I was really going insane.

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you're going to get _me_ into?" she continued, still too loud. "What were you thinking, Bella, coming all the way up here?"

Her voice was the same as I remembered it, only more now – more pure, more musical, more perfect.

And she didn't want me here.

I sighed, then took a deep breath so I could reply. "I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to cause trouble. I just didn't know where else to go." As the words left my mouth, I realized that it was the first time I had spoken out loud since the change. My voice sounded strange to me, more like Alice's voice than what I associated with myself. Would Alice even be able to recognize it?

She took a step back, her arms uncoiling from her chest. "Bella?" she asked, her voice softer.

I started to trudge forward again. Might as well get this over with. "Yeah, it's me. I didn't know you would be here, honestly. But there was nowhere else for me to go," I said glumly, looking at my feet. It hadn't even occurred to me that the Cullens would be here in Denali – and it had never occurred to me that Alice wouldn't want to see me, no matter what her brother thought of me.

I glanced up just in time to see Alice running at me full tilt. If I had been human, I probably wouldn't have even been able to see her movement, but now every detail was clear as day: the graceful way she ran, even flat out, the way her arms seemed to stretch forward, as though she were willing herself to go faster, the huge grin stretched across her face…

She plowed into me at full speed with a force that would have knocked me flat on my back and given me bruises before. Somehow I managed to take half a step back and drop my weight slightly just as she got to me, and I absorbed the impact without so much as a shudder or a twinge of pain.

Alice threw her arms around me, and I couldn't help but respond in kind. She _was_ glad to see me. I wouldn't have to go through this alone. The sudden happiness was overwhelming, and my eyes burned dully even as a smile spread across my face.

"Bella! Oh Bella, it really is you!" she exclaimed, sounding breathless and as near to tears as I had ever heard her. She pulled back, her hands still on my arms, her face beaming. "How? When? Is he…?" She stopped abruptly, rocking back on her heels. The smile dropped from her face and her eyebrows drew together, in concentration or confusion I couldn't tell. "But, no…" She studied my face, lingering on my eyes. "How did this happen?" she asked then, confusion and worry lacing her voice, "And when?"

I tried not to think about what she had started to ask. The edges of the wound in my chest rippled, but I forced myself to stand straight. "Um, a few days ago, I guess?" I said in answer to her last question. "I'm not quite sure, I was out of it for a while there. What day is it?"

Alice looked even more worried. "Wednesday," she answered. "Or early Thursday morning now, I guess. How long since you… woke up?"

"About thirty-six hours," I shrugged, the last day and a half racing through my perfect memory.

She took my hands in her own – in spite of myself I was surprised to find they didn't feel cold any more – and looked at me seriously. "Bella, you must tell me exactly what happened. And _why_."

My mouth went dry. "Laurent," I whispered, barely audible even to myself. "He found me. He tried to kill me, but something interrupted him and he took off running. He carried me at first and then dropped me, so he could move faster. I walked until I couldn't anymore because of the pain, then I fell into a river and was washed downstream until I got caught in some tree roots. When I woke up I realized what had happened," I said, carefully omitting the parts about my hallucinatory Edward leading me to a safe place and staying with me through those dark, painful days.

Alice tilted her head to the side, her eyebrows drawing together. "What interrupted him?" she asked.

I hesitated. Despite all that I had seen, I was still uncertain. Could I have hallucinated them, too? Edward had seemed just as real…

"He said they were werewolves," I whispered, offering her the only explanation I had. "It didn't make any sense at the time. I saw them later – half a dozen of them, wolves as big as horses. They chased me until I got to the Canadian border."

Alice shook her head slowly, a small smile forming on her lips. "You are the worst danger magnet I have ever met. Only you could manage to get into this much trouble when the resident vampires leave town – finding the only vampire for a hundred miles who would try to feed on _you_ of all people, and then werewolves? Maybe it's a good thing that you're no longer quite so breakable."

"He wasn't the only one," I said quietly. "He said Victoria was looking for me, too. She held a grudge against me, us – for James," I explained when she looked up at me, her eyes wide. "If Laurent hadn't tried to kill me, Victoria would have. And she would have taken her time with it. And even," I paused, looking away as the edges of the gaping hole in my chest throbbed. "Even if she hadn't found me, it would have killed me before too long, living like this," I confessed in a rushed whisper, not meeting her eyes. "I didn't want it to happen this way, but I suppose it's like it was with the others: I was dying anyway."

Alice was hugging me again, her soft, sweet smelling hair brushing my face. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she said, squeezing me tighter. "I'm sorry it had to happen this way. I'm sorry you had to go through that all alone. I'm sorry we left! I told him it was a bad idea, but he—" She stopped talking suddenly, much to my relief. "_I_ never should have left you, Edward's wishes be damned!"

I flinched at the sound of his name. "He isn't here, is he?" I asked, clutching Alice to me. Despite everything, despite my hallucinations and how much I missed him, I was definitely not ready to face him yet.

She pulled back and looked at me, the worry and remorse etched on her angel face. "No. He called a few weeks ago and said he was going to South America. We haven't heard anything since."

"Enjoying his distractions?" I asked bitterly, unable to stop myself.

"Bella!" Alice said sharply, her tone disapproving. "Is that what you think happened? He got _bored_?"

I shrugged, my eyes burning with the tears they could no longer shed. "He didn't want me anymore. I'm not stupid enough to think that _this_ will change anything," I said, gesturing to myself. "So maybe it is better this way, better that someone else changed me, so I'm not tied to him forever, now that he's bored with me."

Alice's golden eyes were hard as flint, and her jaw was set. "Isabella Swan, I love you dearly, you are my sister, but don't you ever question his motives again, do you understand me? It wasn't easy for him—"

"He left!" I cried, cutting her off. "_He_ left _me_, and I had to pick up the pieces all alone!"

"He left to keep this from happening! He left to _protect_ you!"

"Fat lot of good that did," I said, wrapping my arms around my middle. How much more of this conversation I could take and stay standing I wasn't sure.

"Bella," Alice said, her voice soft again. "He loves you, I know he does."

I flinched like she had slapped me, closing my eyes against the pain. "Please don't," I whispered.

"If you saw him you would know. He _loves_ you Bella, that hasn't changed."

"If he loves me," I could barely get the words out, and my voice was rough with the effort, "why didn't he even check to make sure I was safe? A half an hour in Forks would have revealed vampires, werewolves, and who knows what other dangers. And this _hole_, slowly killing me from the inside out…"

I felt the gravel beneath my hands before I realized that I had collapsed. What good was immortality if the pain was never, ever going to stop?

Alice knelt beside me and pulled me into her arms. I laid my head on her chest while she stroked my hair. "It's okay, sweetie, we'll figure something out. We'll find a way to fix this."

I refused to let her words sink in; it would only hurt more, in the long run. "I do hope he's happy, wherever he is," I said, and meant it. "But I have to find a way to do this without him. I have to. I have a second chance, and I don't know why, but I can't just…"

"Shhh, it's okay." She rocked me slowly and stroked my hair, and I wanted nothing more than to break down in tears, to let it all wash away. My eyes burned nearly as badly as my throat did.

A rough, tearing sound bubbled out of my chest – a laugh, I realized. "I never I thought I would miss the ability to cry, of all things."

She just squeezed me tighter and kept rocking me, her cheek against my hair.

Time ceased to have any meaning, but eventually Alice stopped rocking and glanced over her shoulder, back towards the house still hidden behind the trees.

"Jasper is on his way out," she said softly, still holding me, "wondering where I've been. Do you want me to send him back…?"

Shifting my weight so I was kneeling as well, rather than resting against Alice, I reached up to wipe the tears from my face before I remembered that there were none. I scrubbed at my face instead, worn out to my core. How much was a person expected to go through? "No," I said, feeling her start to shift to stand. "No, I want to see Jasper."

She studied me with large, worried eyes. "Let me talk to him first, bring him up to speed."

I nodded, and she stood and walked back up the drive slowly, clearly pulling her thoughts together before she reached Jasper. Standing as well, I started to brush myself off before realizing that these clothes were beyond ruined. The clothes I had put on Saturday morning to go hiking, when I told Charlie I was going to go to Jessica's to study. The last clothes he had seen me in.

Suddenly I felt wretched and homesick and more alone than I thought possible. Being reunited with Alice and Jasper was an unexpected gift, but at what cost? What hell must Charlie be going through now, five days since anyone had seen me? I wanted to crumple back down to the ground, I wanted to curl up and die, but I couldn't do either. I had to keep moving forward. I would find a way to contact Charlie, to let him know I was okay. It would probably be impossible for me to ever see him again, but at least he would know that I was alright.

Alice came around the bend then, holding Jasper's hand and talking to him quietly. Standing a bit taller, I squared my shoulders. This part I was ready for. I knew what I would say to Jasper, and had gone over it in my head many times in the days immediately after my birthday. It had never been Jasper's fault, and I had been prepared from the beginning to tell him so as many times as it took to make him believe me.

Alice stopped talking as they neared, and I walked forward to meet them. I could feel Jasper's eyes on me, but his expression was carefully blank. I swallowed, suddenly nervous. Alice I knew loved me, but how would the others react to me now?

They stopped just a few feet from me, and I stopped as well.

"Bella," Jasper said with a nod.

"Hi Jasper," I replied, and managed a small smile. "I wanted to see you before I saw the others, I wanted to apologize for what happened the last time we were all together. I hate that I made you go away. I hate that I put you all in so much danger for so long."

He cocked his head to the side slightly; I could almost feel him testing the emotions around me. "It wasn't your fault," he said slowly.

"Yes it was," I replied immediately. "I let that half-life go on for far too long, even after I knew what a danger I was to all of you. It was an accident just waiting to happen, and I shouldn't have let it get that close."

He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry too," he said, "for losing control. And for trusting Edward."

Alice looked at him sharply, her expression disapproving. I sucked in a breath and held it, the hole in my chest pulsing dully.

"Isn't that what we're dancing around here?" Jasper asked, looking at Alice. "He refused to let things take their natural course after our confrontation with James in Phoenix, and we have all suffered because of it. He assured us it would be better this way, but obviously," he looked at me, seeming to take in my whole appearance, almost certainly aware of how I was holding myself up by sheer will alone. "Obviously that isn't the case," he finished softly.

"Jazz," Alice started, her tone worried, but he was already stepping away from her, towards me.

"It shouldn't have happened this way," he said when he stood in front of me. "From what Alice told me, it shouldn't have been that way, not when we had so many other options, so many other opportunities. But you're here now, and that's what matters." He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder, as easily as though this gesture was an old tradition between us. "And I am glad you are here with us, finally," he said, his eyes steady on mine.

I could feel the waves of calm pouring off of him, so much more potent than they had been in that past life that was fading quickly from my memory. Under the calm were other emotions, a complicated harmony that I had never noticed before – acceptance, welcoming, companionship, and _love_. Of course Jasper loved me, the melody seemed to say. I had always been meant to be part of his family, and so this was right, even though we had come at it sideways. It was right for me to be here.

Smiling up at him, I rested my hand on top of his. "Thank you Jasper," I whispered so low there was almost no sound.

He smiled too and dropped his hand; I was thankful to find that the complex emotional music he was weaving did not seem to fade in the absence of a physical connection. It didn't fill the hole, not by a long shot, but it made it a bit easier to stand straight and not wrap my arms around my middle.

It reminded me, in the strangest way, of Jacob Black.

Alice rejoined us, sliding one arm around my waist and the other around Jasper's. "Let's get you inside," she said, giving me a little squeeze. "Everyone will be excited to see you."

"Everyone?" I asked, suddenly nervous again despite Alice's earlier assurances that Edward was not there. "Who else is here?"

"Carlisle and Esme are out hunting, Rosalie and Emmett are in the living room, and Tanya, Kate, and Irina are around here somewhere," Jasper said as we started down the gravel drive towards the house. "Eleazar and Carmen have been away traveling the last few months, but they should be back in the next day or two."

"Don't worry, Bella," Alice said, giving me another half hug, "they'll be thrilled to see you."

"Will they?" I mouthed.

Jasper was watching me carefully over the top of Alice's head. "Why are you anxious, Bella?" he asked, his voice soft and concerned.

I was silent a moment, unsure how to put it into words. "I don't know how the others are going to react," I sighed finally. "I don't know what to say to them."

"Hmm," Jasper said, his face thoughtful. "You may have a point there."

My silent heart plummeted. Of course the others wouldn't forgive me as easily as Alice and Jasper had. Carlisle and Esme had been forced to leave their home, and must miss their son horribly. Emmett would miss Edward as well, and Rosalie had blamed me for the unrest in her family for more than a year already…

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me, looking confused for a moment before he continued. "Laurent was well liked by the Denalis, from what I understand," he said slowly, still watching me. "I'm not sure how they will take your news, so it might be best to let Carlisle tell them what happened with Laurent."

"And as far as the rest of _our_ family," Alice added, her eyes shrewd, "they will just be glad that you're here and safe, trust me."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "I'd forgotten the Denalis knew Laurent so well. He spent the last year up here with them?"

Alice nodded. "He and Irina were particularly close, and I think Jasper is right to worry about her reaction—" She stopped talking suddenly, her eyes becoming blank and unfocused. On her other side, Jasper stopped walking, so I paused as well.

One breath in and out, and then Alice blinked and turned towards Jasper. "Carlisle and Esme will be here in a few minutes," she told him, her butterscotch eyes refocusing. There seemed to be an implied question or worry under her statement, but I couldn't quite piece together what it could be.

He nodded once. "I'll go meet them," he said, and started north.

We continued down the gravel drive towards the house, Alice's arm still around my waist. It was a casual gesture, relaxed and sisterly, but it was also far more than she had touched me when I was human.

"How did you know I was coming?" I asked, matching Alice's slow pace.

She sighed and shrugged, not taking her eyes from Jasper's retreating form. "He asked me not to look, not to watch you, to give you your space." We both knew which _he_ she meant. "I did as he asked, but when you decided to come to Denali our paths were going to cross again, so of course I saw it. I really did try to give you your space though Bella, I promise."

I shook my head, partially in dismissal and partially in disbelief, and partially in some other emotion I could hardly name. Anger, long buried, maybe. "Space was the last thing I wanted, believe me," I said. "But you saw that? You saw me decide to come to Denali?"

She nodded. "I saw you in the woods near your house, sitting on the ground and deciding to come here. Then I saw you buying maps at a gas station—"

"I wasn't at my house, Alice," I cut her off in a whisper. "I didn't even think about coming to Denali until after the wolves had chased me out of Washington. I was already in British Columbia when I made the decision."

She looked at me for a long moment, her eyebrows drawing together. "When did you buy the maps, then?"

"I bought them yesterday in BC. Look." I pulled the two maps from my pocket and handed them to her. "I was in the middle of nowhere, completely alone, and I knew I couldn't go back to Washington. Denali seemed like the only place where I could get help. So I bought maps and figured out how to get here."

Alice was holding the muddy, poorly folded maps like they were simultaneously frightening and disgusting. "The cashier was watching hockey on TV?" she asked, her eyes slightly unfocused.

I nodded in response.

She blinked at me. "You talked to a human? _Yesterday?_"

"Well I didn't really _talk_ to him. I didn't even breathe. But yes, that was yesterday."

"You just didn't breathe? Simple as that?" she asked, a hysterical edge creeping into her tone.

My forehead crinkled in confusion as I looked at her. "Was that wrong? Isn't that what you've always done? When I cut myself, didn't you just stop breathing?"

She was shaking her head slowly. "It isn't wrong, Bella. It's exactly what we've all done for years to allow ourselves to be around humans. But a newborn your age simply shouldn't be able to manage it. Even with everything you know about vampires, just the sound of his heart should have driven you into a frenzy. How did you do it?"

"I knew it would be hard, so I hunted first, and then I held my breath when I went in there," I shrugged. "I'm not going to kill a human, Alice, no matter what. I knew my body wanted to, I just… didn't let it, I guess."

She tilted her head to the side, her eyes narrowing. "Hmmm," she said after a moment. "We'll have to see what Eleazar thinks when he gets here, but this could be your gift."

"My gift?" I repeated slowly. I hadn't given any thought to what power I might have as a vampire. "I'm stubborn, that's my gift?" The idea was strangely disappointing.

Alice rolled her eyes at me. "It's more than stubbornness, Bella. I'm not sure, but it sounds like it could be _control_ – superhuman control. We would have to be careful in testing the extent of it, but it could be very interesting… You should come into town with me in the morning."

The sudden topic change made me blink. "Um, of course," I stumbled, surprised. As her words sunk in, I shook my head. "Wait, isn't that a bad idea? Why are we going into town?"

I looked over at her just in time to see her eyes refocus on me. "No reason at all, I just wanted to see what would happen. You wouldn't have killed anyone. Thirty-six hours old and you wouldn't have killed anyone." She was silent a moment, a line forming between her eyebrows. "The thing I still don't understand is how I missed your transformation. I saw you and the cashier, but I didn't see that you were a vampire. I saw you getting here, but I had no indication…" She trailed off and shook her head. "I don't like it. Something is blocking my vision. I should have seen Laurent coming, I should have seen the wolves and your transformation. I should have _been there_ for you."

"You're here now," I replied softly, hearing the echo of Jasper's words to me in my mind.

Alice pulled me tight into her side, and together we continued down the long gravel drive to the house that had brought me all this way.


	7. Chapter 7: Reunions

**Chapter 7 – Reunions**

My first impression of the Denali house was that it looked like a five star resort trying to masquerade as a log cabin. It was a sprawling two story building, all stone and cedar planks, with huge windows looking out onto the Alaskan wilderness. Warm light poured from the windows onto the snow banks surrounding the house.

Alice guided me quickly through the massive carved wood front door and into a foyer – small in comparison to the rest of the house, gigantic even by Cullen standards. It was easily as big as my bedroom back in Forks, but contained only a bench, a coat rack, and a tidy line of boots. I tugged off my muddy sneakers before following Alice into a small powder room just off the foyer.

As we entered Alice flipped on the light, and I could tell immediately that this room had never been used. Everything was spotless, and the little human necessities that normally populated powder rooms seemed strangely out of place.

Alice motioned for me to sit on the closed lid of the toilet, and I kept my eyes off the mirror as I passed it. I had been avoiding my reflection for months, I wasn't about to stop now. The hole in my chest squeezed, but before anything could break through my mental wall of white noise, my attention was distracted by Alice bringing a wet washcloth to my cheek.

She scrubbed over my face, focusing on areas I had apparently missed in my earlier attempt to clean up. The washcloth tickled my stone skin, but it was pleasantly warm so I held perfectly still and let Alice do her worst. After a few minutes she turned to my hair, pulling a shocking number of twigs and leaves from it and piling them in the brand new waste bin beside the sink.

After a moment she sighed and leaned back, surveying her work. "I guess that's the best I can do for now," she said, and I could tell by her tone that I wasn't quite as presentable as she wished I was. Memories of a long-ago prom tested the edge of my mental defenses. "We'll get you a proper shower as soon as we get upstairs."

She took my hand again and led me down the hall and into the living room, which somehow managed to look cozy despite its size and two story floor to ceiling windows. In one corner a fire roared in a huge stone hearth, and in the adjacent corner a staircase curved grandly away to the second floor.

Between us and the staircase were a clutch of rustic leather sofas arranged in a casual formation. Emmett and Rosalie were snuggled into one corner of a sofa, apparently unaware of our presence.

Alice stopped at the edge of the room, her hand still holding mine, and when she spoke her voice was much brighter than I thought possible, given the circumstances. "Look who's here!" she announced.

Emmett and Rosalie looked towards us, their expressions curious and hopeful. In the fraction of a second before their eyes focused on me, I suddenly felt guilty. I was not who they were hoping to see. I was the reason _he_ went away.

When their eyes found mine, Emmett's face split into a huge grin, while Rosalie's expression darkened and fell.

"Took you long enough!" Emmett shouted as he vaulted over the back of the sofa. He grabbed me a massive bear-hug and swung me around, lifting me off the ground easily.

Rosalie kept her seat, her eyes dark and her teeth partially bared in a grimace as she studied my face. "You stupid girl," she snapped, then stood and darted up the stairs.

Emmett set me back on my feet. "Don't worry about Rose," he said, catching my expression. "I'll talk to her. She's just touchy because—"

"_Emmett_," Alice cut him off, sounding a bit testy. "I want to get Bella showered and changed before Carlisle and Esme get back. She ran all the way up from Washington yesterday, and only woke up _thirty-six hours ago_."

I glanced at her, curious about the strange emphasis on my age as a vampire, but Alice was giving Emmett a significant look.

"Oh no kidding?" he asked, looking from me to Alice for confirmation. When she nodded, he shrugged and turned back to me. "So why'd you haul ass all the way up here? Did you know we were here?"

"Uh, no," I responded, fighting the urge to clear my throat. "Werewolves chased me out of Washington, and I figured that the Denalis might be able to teach me how to, you know…"

"Not kill humans?" Emmett supplied with a grin.

"Yeah, that," I replied. My shoulders momentarily tensed in anticipation of a blush that would never come.

Emmett clapped me on the back. "Well you've come to the right place, then," he said, still grinning. "So the La Push werewolves are back in action?"

"La Push werewolves?" I repeated stupidly, blinking up at him.

"Yeah, the tribe just west of Forks? The Quileutes?" he said, as though sure I would catch on at any moment. "We made a treaty with them the last time we were in Forks, in 1937? '38?" He squinted up at the distant ceiling, like he was trying to recall what year went with his infallible memories. "Before Squirt here showed up, anyway," he shrugged, reaching out to ruffle Alice's hair. She dodged it neatly, scowling at him. "Really Bella, I thought you knew all about this," Emmett continued. "Didn't one of the Quileute kids tell you about us in the first place? Edward wouldn't shut up for weeks about how they violated the treaty by telling you."

I flinched at the mention of Edward, and in the corner of my dimming vision I saw Alice punch Emmett on the arm. The hole pulsed and I wrapped my arms around my torso, fighting to stand straight.

Further away than it should have sounded, I heard Emmett ask, "What? This fixes things, right? Why—" and Alice cut him off in a low hiss.

Closing my eyes, I shut them out and brought up my wall of white noise again, cocooning myself in it. I pushed back all the memories that were threatening to overtake me and focused on the only one that mattered at this moment: Jacob telling me about the Cullens.

The memory was there, but mired in context – the first time I met Jacob, the first time I considered the possibility of vampires, and those early, intoxicating, frustrating days with Edward… I pushed it all away and focused on the sound of Jacob's voice as he attempted to scare me with old Quileute legends.

"_Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from – the Quileutes, I mean? …One legend claims that we descended from wolves – and that the wolves are our brothers still. …You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf – well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves."_

I forced my eyes open and stared in disbelief at Emmett and Alice, who were speaking in low, rushed tones just a few feet away. "Jacob was telling the truth?" I blurted out, still grappling with the reality of it.

Emmett looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "What, you thought he was spot-on about vampires but making the werewolf stuff up?"

"I thought it was just a legend!" I sputtered. "Jacob didn't really believe it, either."

He shrugged. "Well it had been nearly seventy years, it's not surprising he didn't believe it was anything more than old superstitions. Carlisle thinks the mutation skips generations, so it was probably, what, his grandfather?"

"Great-grandfather," I said, distracted. Sam's cult, the bear sightings, even Jacob's weird behavior the past week – could it all be related? Could it all have been _werewolves_?

"Carlisle and Esme will be here in seven minutes," Alice sighed, cutting Emmett off before he could reply. "If Bella doesn't shower now she won't get another chance for several hours."

"Go, go!" Emmett laughed. "Even _I_ can tell you need a shower, Bella. Seriously, how many things did you kill on your way up?"

I blinked up at him. "Just the one."

"You do know you're supposed to _drink_ the blood, not roll around in it, right?"

"I think I haveheard that somewhere before," I said dryly.

"_Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair." _My own voice slipped through the white noise wall and destroyed my attempt at sarcasm. I hunched my shoulders forward, my arms coming up automatically to wrap around the shattered remains of my torso.

"Go on and get out of here, kid," Emmett said, his voice sounding slightly worried and far less jovial. "You and I will have to talk technique later."

I nodded, unable to reply, as Alice took my hand and towed me to the grand staircase at the other end of the room. She led me upstairs and down a hallway lined with closed doors, opening one seemingly at random and pulling me in.

The room on the other side of the door turned out to be a large bedroom, dominated by a huge carved four-poster bed piled high with blue satin pillows and a fluffy matching comforter. As I blinked around at the dim room, I was vaguely aware of the stylish suitcase on the luggage rack beside the walk-in closet and the tidy line of shopping bags on the floor nearby. A haphazard pile of antique books and well-worn notebooks adorned a writing desk in the corner. Alice and Jasper's room, one part of my mind supplied, while another part was occupied with trying to remember how to inflate my lungs.

Alice paused to close the bedroom door behind us, and then she was pulling me towards a pair of double doors on the far side of the room. She flung them open to reveal a cavernous bathroom, complete with jacuzzi tub, shower, and dual vanities. Clearly on a timetable, she made a beeline for the shower, towing me along by the hand.

"Hot this way, cold that way," Alice said, quickly explaining the shower controls. "Watch the heat – you can't be burned, but things will feel warmer to you now than they did before. And careful touching things in general, you probably don't know your own strength yet." She dropped my hand, turning away from me to start the shower. "Towels are on the shelf here, and there's a clean bathrobe on the hook there. Leave your clothes by the door and I should be able to wash them before you're out of the shower."

When she turned back to me, I forced myself into the present, away from memories of the previous spring, of cracked ribs and a broken leg and Alice helping me with the daily tasks of showering and dressing. Blinking at her, I pushed air back into my lungs, feeling my chest rise under my arms where they lay still braced around the hole in my chest.

Alice's face softened, and she touched my arm tentatively. "Bella? I know all of this is difficult, but I'm here, I promise."

I nodded, leaning into her touch slightly.

"I could stay with you, if you want?" she said. "Help you with your hair?"

"_I'm here to help you wash your hair, of course! Can't stick Charlie with shower duty now can we?"_

Shaking my head, I pushed the memories back down again. "No, no I'm fine. Thank you, Alice."

"Of course, sweetie. I won't be far. Anything you need, before I leave?"

I stared at her in confusion. The list of things I needed seemed to be endless, starting with a whole chest and unbroken heart… "Um, shampoo?" I said finally.

"Not likely to find any in a house full of vampires," she replied ruefully. "It does nothing for our hair, and honestly it smells awful. I assume it smells good to humans – you'll have to describe the difference to me sometime. Just scrub your scalp with your fingers and rinse out the sea water and your hair will be perfect, trust me." She wrapped her slim arm around my shoulders, giving me a gentle hug. "Come on, if you don't get moving Esme is likely to barge in here before you've had a chance to get dressed," she said softly.

I managed a small smile and nodded again.

"Leave your clothes by the door and I'll wash them for you – though I can't guarantee yet that I'll be able to salvage them," she said, and with one last squeeze of my shoulders she was gone.

Avoiding the mirrors and trying not to focus on the fact that I was once again alone, I started emptying the pockets of my ruined cargo pants – the two maps, my wallet, the keys to my truck, and the rock that had pierced my hand, still covered in rusty brown dried blood. I stacked my few worldly possessions on the vanity counter, then left my clothing in a pile near the door and climbed into the shower.

Alice was right, the water did feel much warmer to me than I would have expected, and what felt like the perfect hot shower temperature hardly created any steam at all – just enough to fog up the mirrors, I noted thankfully. I could have stayed in there for hours, enjoying the warmth and the feeling of finally being clean again, but I knew what Alice was like when her timetables were disrupted, so I finished as quickly as I could.

I toweled off and wrapped myself in the fluffy white robe Alice had indicated. For a moment I could almost believe I was back home in Phoenix, with Renée waiting in the next room with a cup of tea and good chick flick. I banished the thought from my head before it could take hold.

Just as I decided to head out to the bedroom to look for Alice, the door opened and she entered, smiling at me. "I can promise you a longer shower tonight, or even a soak in the tub, if you'd prefer, once everyone has had a chance to say hello," she said, as though we were in the middle of a conversation, closing the door behind her.

"I don't want to monopolize your bathroom, Alice," I replied, again feeling the absence of the blush that should have been.

"Nonsense, Tanya's going to give you the guest room at the end of the hall, so you'll have a bathroom all to yourself," she said, advancing across the bathroom and holding a tiny pile of folded clothes out to me. My under things, I realized after a fraction of a second. "I washed these for you," Alice continued, "but your shirt and pants were a total loss – Emmett wanted to save them to see how long it would take the mold to become sentient, but I told him no. I have some pants I haven't gotten hemmed yet that will fit you, and you're welcome to any of my shirts."

"Alice, there's no way I can fit into your clothes," I said, wondering what on earth she was thinking.

The corner of her mouth hitched up in a smile, but she looked sad. "Bella, when was the last time you looked in a mirror?" she asked softly. "You've lost so much weight since I last saw you. Were you even eating?"

Her eyes were worried and sympathetic, but I still shied away from the question. I opened my mouth to speak the familiar lie, but Alice's hand on my cheek stopped me. She knew what I was going to say, and knew it was a lie. I felt my shoulders slump.

"I tried to be normal for Charlie, but…" I trailed off, feeling the now-familiar burn of absent tears.

Alice enveloped me in a hug. "Shhh, honey, I know. I'm so sorry."

I clung to her for a moment, wishing again that I could cry. As I leaned away from her, a thought occurred to me: "I can't gain weight as a vampire, can I?"

"You think I stay this svelte watching how many grizzly bears I eat?" she shot back, eyes sparkling, as she led me out to the bedroom and towards the walk-in closet. "But look on the bright side: you'll always be able to borrow my clothes. And I do have fantastic taste in clothes."

–o–

Twenty minutes later I was dressed in skinny jeans and a flannel shirt with a designer label – Alice's most casual clothing, which I had convinced her to loan me in place of something more fashionable by pointing out that Emmett had promised to take me hunting. I reemerged from the bathroom, dressed and toweling off my hair, to find Alice sitting cross-legged at the end of the big satin-covered bed, sketching in a notebook.

She looked up as I approached. "Oh, I _knew_ those jeans were going to look adorable on you," she said, sounding quite proud of herself. "We will definitely have to go clothes shopping once you are up to it." I started to protest, but she held up a hand. "I should have had clothes waiting for you when you got here. I would have, if I had realized the situation, if my visions had been clearer."

She sighed, and I watched her face darken for a moment – thinking about the unexplained holes in her vision, no doubt. Abruptly she straightened and looked at the bedroom door, her eyes sparkling again and a small smile on her lips.

"Come in, Jasper!" she sang out suddenly, making me jump. His gentlemanly knock echoed through the door a half second later. "Don't worry, we're decent," she called loudly, grinning.

I turned back to the bathroom to hang my towel up to dry, and heard the bedroom door open and close softly.

"Carlisle and Esme are downstairs. I brought them up to speed," I heard Jasper say from the other room.

"Thank you, sweetheart," Alice replied softly.

I flinched involuntarily, and took a moment alone in the bathroom to collect myself before joining Jasper and Alice in the bedroom.

Jasper was watching Alice with a small smile on his face, but looked up at me as I entered through the double doors, his eyes tightening. I started to look away, realizing that perhaps things weren't quite as settled between us as I thought they were, when something caught my eye.

I looked back up at him, doing a double take. "Holy crow, Jasper! Are you okay? What happened?"

Small, crescent-shaped scars crisscrossed nearly every inch of his exposed skin – scars shaped exactly like the one on my hand, I realized with a small thrill of fear.

He cocked his head to the side, surprised at my surprise. "You… couldn't see my scars before?" he asked after a moment.

"No…?" My voice turned up at the end, making it a question. "They aren't new, then?"

He smiled and his shoulders relaxed slightly. "No, very old."

"Older than me, even," Alice added, her voice grave but her eyes laughing.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "I feel like such a cradle robber when you say that." He wrinkled up his nose then, looking at me thoughtfully. "Bella, why do you still smell like… _you_?" he asked.

"What?" I asked, trying to put together what he meant.

"I thought it was your clothes before, but it's still there. You smell like you used to – like your blood."

Suddenly the pieces clicked together. "Oh, my rock!" I said, spinning back towards the bathroom, where I had left the rock that had pierced my hand in my final human moments. I snatched it up off the counter, and felt one of its tiny corners crumble under the pressure of my palm. Relaxing my grip, I carried it more gently back out to the other room, holding it out to Jasper and Alice.

They both recoiled slightly. "Why do you have that, Bella?" Alice asked, sounding a bit nauseous.

I looked down at the little, unoffending stone in my hands, my last link to that day in the forest. "I fell," I said softly, running a finger as lightly as I could over the uneven, red-brown surface. "I had been running through the woods, bitten, bleeding, my left arm broken, then I fell and this rock cut my hand. I nearly gave up right then, but…" I swallowed, realizing how close I had just come to revealing my hallucinations of Edward. "I fell into the river just a few minutes later," I continued after a moment. "After I woke up, I caught the scent and it smelled like something to eat, but when I realized what it was… I promised myself I wouldn't give in to that smell ever again, I wouldn't kill a human. So I took it with me, as a reminder I guess."

I glanced up uncertainly to find Alice smiling at me and Jasper watching me curiously with his head tilted to the side. "You should definitely keep it, Bella," Alice said, sliding off the bed and walking over to me. "But why don't I find you a tupperware to keep it in?" she asked gently, holding her hands out to me.

After a moment of hesitation, I carefully placed the bloody little rock into Alice's upturned hand. Quick as lightning she flitted to the other side of the room, deposited my keepsake in her suitcase, and zipped it closed. The delicious, sweet scent I had become accustomed to over the last few days faded slightly.

"Why don't you go on downstairs, Bella," Alice said softly as she crossed the room to stand beside Jasper again. "Esme is quite anxious to see you."

Momentarily preoccupied with trying to remember exactly what Esme looked like, I nodded and slipped out the bedroom door, closing it softly beside me. I had just started for the stairs when the sound of Alice's voice through the thick wood door stopped me.

"How is she?" Alice asked quietly. I froze and leaned in closer to the door, wondering who she was talking about.

Jasper sighed. "Worse than she looks. It's like walking into a brick wall, being in the same room with her. She's trying to hide it, but the amount of pain she's in…" He was silent for a moment, and I started to turn back towards the stairs, feeling guilty for eavesdropping. "I wasn't sure at first, but now that I've seen her I'm convinced: Edward never should have left her."

I flinched at the spike of pain that made the gaping hole in my chest spasm. Somehow knowing that they were talking about me made me feel even guiltier.

"A point we did actually make at the time," Alice replied, an edge in her voice. "I'm starting to wonder about what he told us happened, though."

"Hmm, yes, something doesn't quite add up," Jasper muttered.

They were silent for a long moment, and I took the opportunity to quietly slink down the hall towards the stairs, hoping fervently that I hadn't been caught.

I all but tumbled down the stairs, my mind trying to puzzle out what I had just overheard. As the stairway curved down into the giant living room below, I caught sight of Carlisle and Esme, talking quietly with Emmett on the far side of the room. I had barely taken a breath, readying myself to face Edward's parents, before Esme dashed across the room, her caramel colored hair flying out behind her, and pulled me into her arms.

For a long moment she was silent, simply cradling me tight to her chest in the sort of hug only mothers know how to give. Almost shyly, I wound my arms around her waist, returning the embrace. She squeezed me tighter, and I relaxed by a fraction.

"My dear, sweet Bella," she whispered into my hair. "Thank god you're here. I've missed you so."

My chest constricted around the jagged hole Edward had left. Esme would always love me, even if Edward did not. "I missed you too," I whispered back.

Carlisle joined us at the foot of the stairs, having crossed the room at a more human pace. Reluctantly Esme released me, the tears she could never shed reflected in her golden eyes, and stepped back to allow Carlisle to hug me tightly as well.

"You had us worried, Bella," he said, leading me away from the stairs as Jasper and Alice came down to join us. "Speaking of which, let me get a look at your eyes."

I glanced up at him in confusion, but Carlisle was in full doctor-mode, stepping closer to me and tilting my chin up to get a better view of my eyes. All he was missing was the pen light to check my pupil reaction. Alice came over to hover at his elbow, her face worried. Jasper, half a step behind her, looked concerned as well. For the first time I began to worry, too – it had never occurred to me that something could be _wrong_ with me now, as a vampire. Was it because of the way I was changed? Had I done something wrong?

"Hm," Carlisle said, his face expressionless. My anxiety went up another notch.

"In all the newborns I've known, I've never seen anything like it," Jasper said softly.

"It was similar with Esme," Carlisle said, still looking at my eyes and not really at me, "though not as pronounced. It's because of the blood loss, from what I can tell."

"Blood loss?" I asked without moving my jaw.

Carlisle's eyes refocused on me. "You're very lucky to be here, Bella," he said seriously, as he released my chin and took a step back. "You must have lost a great deal of blood when Laurent attacked you."

…_I had to be losing pints of blood by the second. With my left arm still cradled to my chest, I pressed the palm of my right hand to the brightest point of the fire on my neck…_

I shied away from the foggy memory, forcing my mind to focus instead on the moment at hand. "Is there something wrong with my eyes?" My voice rang anxiously in my ears.

Carlisle smiled slightly. "Not wrong, exactly. Surprising, perhaps, for a vampire as young as you are. Have a look for yourself," he said, gesturing to the large mirror mounted on the back wall of the living room.

I hadn't looked in a mirror in more than five months, and out of habit I avoided looking at myself directly now. I approached it at an angle and then leaned in close, studying the color of my eyes.

They were a deep, dark red, like garnet or wine. From a distance they might even be able to pass for my original brown, but up close they were uncanny. I blinked at myself, watching the way the light picked up brighter red highlights and a few tiny flecks of gold.

Alice had followed me over to the mirror, and as I examined my eyes she cleared her throat, rolling her eyes when I glanced up at her in the mirror. She linked her arm through mine and took a large step backwards, pulling me with her, then motioned back at the mirror.

I turned cautiously, unsure of what I would find, and blinked again at the two women reflected back at us. Alice I recognized, though the new details of her sprite-like beauty still caught me off guard. The other woman looked vaguely familiar, and while logically I knew it was me, my brain rejected the idea. She was willowy and slender, standing half a head taller than Alice. Her chestnut hair curled in large, soft ringlets, the type I could normally get only after hours with a curling iron.

Her face was familiar and yet alien – and startlingly beautiful, I realized, still disconnected from the woman in the mirror. The features were mine, but perfected. The last bit of baby fat was gone from my face. My skin, so translucent before, was now solid, smooth, and pale as porcelain. My cheek bones were higher, more pronounced, my nose more sculpted. My eyes seemed larger, and were framed by a thick fringe of dark lashes. The shape of my eyes was still Charlie, the line of my jaw was still Renée, and I was still there in the details, but in truth I hardly recognized myself.

I stared back at the face that would greet me in the mirror for the rest of eternity, and found that I was empty.


	8. Chapter 8: Sisters

**Chapter 8 – Sisters**

I spent the next hour tucked under Esme's arm on one of the living room sofas, as she played with my hair and softly asked me questions about my life over the last few months. The others drifted off to various corners of the room, Carlisle and Emmett playing chess on an antique board by one of the giant windows, Alice sketching in her notebook again, and Jasper reading a book so old that the gold lettering on the frayed binding had been worn off.

I did my best to answer her questions, straining to remember some details that were hazy in my memory now, and pleading a faded memory to avoid other topics that were all too clear and painful. Esme seemed to sense how difficult it was for me, and eventually she quieted, but continued to pull her fingers slowly through my hair as the crackling of the fire filled the room.

The stars were beginning to fade outside the windows, though there were hours left until dawn, when Jasper broke the comfortable stillness.

"We should probably take Bella hunting, show her the ropes," he said softly, mostly to Alice.

Watching the skin around his eyes tighten again, I remembered what he had said to Alice upstairs: _It's like walking into a brick wall, being in the same room with her._ I was about to protest, scrambling to come up with an excuse that would allow Jasper some distance from me and my pain, when Emmett spoke up.

"I'll take her. I've been wanting to show Bella my grizzly-wrestling skills for a while now," he said, grinning and winking at me.

"I'll go, too," Rosalie said from the stairs, her voice oddly subdued. I hadn't heard her come in.

"Perhaps Esme and I should go as well," Carlisle said, looking up from the chess board for the first time in over half an hour; Emmett was clearly winning. "First hunts can be… difficult."

"Bella will be just fine," Alice said, her eyes far away. "There won't be anyone around," she assured me as her sight refocused, "but you could track something into the middle of town and not have any trouble. Which is a good thing, because we need to do some _serious_ shopping before the week is over."

Making a face at her, I stood and started for the front entry way where I had left my shoes. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Jasper watching me with a thoughtful look on his face.

"You'll have to tell me how you do that sometime," he mused quietly as I passed him.

"It helps to be heartbroken and half crazy," I muttered in reply, quickly retreating to the solitude of the foyer. I slipped back into my muddy sneakers, pleasantly surprised to find that they didn't feel nearly as cold and slimy as I had expected, and then waited outside in the cool pre-dawn air for Emmett and Rosalie – Rosalie who _wanted_ to hunt with me. I couldn't begin to guess at her reasons.

She was still oddly quiet and subdued when they joined me outside, stealing little glances at me as Emmett led us north. I couldn't quite decipher the look on her face; it was like she was re-evaluating everything she had ever known about me.

"So you ran all the way up here on foot?" Emmett asked, breaking what was becoming an increasingly loaded silence.

"I didn't exactly have access to other transportation," I replied, mourning the loss of my truck again.

He waved it off. "You're faster without it, anyway. But _tell_ me you stopped in Leechtown on your way up."

I raised an eyebrow. "Leechtown?"

"It's a ghost town in British Columbia. How can you not have heard of Leechtown?" he said, talking animatedly as we continued north. "There was a whole village there during the gold rush, but it's been abandoned for a hundred and fifty years or so. It's a bunch of creepy old ruins now, and this cave carved into the side of a cliff. Good hunting around there, and how can you pass up a place with a name like _Leechtown_?"

I smiled wanly at him as he launched into a story about the adventures he and Jasper had had in the Leechtown area the summer before I moved to Forks. He was getting to what seemed to be the punch line, something about the initials _EM_ carved into a tree, when Rosalie stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Emmett," she said sweetly – from her tone I could tell she wanted something. "This looks like a good location to show Bella how this is done. Why don't you go find something big and bring it over here? Bella and I will watch from up there," she pointed to a tall fir tree behind us, "and I'll talk her through how to do it."

Emmett stared at her for a moment longer than seemed necessary, then shrugged. Apparently he was as clueless to her real agenda as I was. "Just pay attention, baby sis," he said to me. I blinked up at him, surprised at the nickname, but he was already talking again. "I don't want to have to go through all of Tanya's food supplies showing you how to do this." He winked at me, then took off at an easy run towards the north.

"Come on, Bella," Rosalie said when he had gone, her voice still too friendly. She turned and dashed up the tree in one easy motion.

I followed her slowly, standing at the base of the tall fir and looking up at her. "Um, how?" I asked.

She laughed, a golden tinkling that was all warmth and light, and all the more strange because it wasn't the slightest bit condescending. I tried to remember if I had ever heard her laugh before. If I had it hadn't sounded anything like that.

"Use your finger tips and your toes," she called down to me conversationally. "It's just like climbing a ladder. The trick is to move really fast so your weight isn't on any one part of the tree for too long."

"Just like climbing a ladder," I muttered to myself, then squared my shoulders, put my fingertips on the tree, and willed myself up it.

It was surprisingly easy, once I got the hang of not actually grabbing the bark. It was just as effortless as running, except that now my shoulders were also pulling, and I was moving upwards.

I joined Rosalie on the branch she was sitting on, overlooking the small clearing we had just been standing in, our feet dangling twenty feet above the ground. She was quiet a moment, and I realized I was about to find out her reason behind orchestrating this time alone.

"Bella," she said slowly, "I wanted to apologize for how I reacted when you first arrived. I made an assumption when I saw you, and I know now that I was wrong." She turned and smiled at me, still all golden warmth, but her face was contrite.

"It's okay," I stuttered out when I realized she had paused for a response.

She shook her head, her perfect blonde curls bouncing like a shampoo commercial. "It isn't okay Bella," she said, looking even more remorseful. "I've been unfair to you in the past, and I feel really horrible about that now. I want you to understand _why_ though, to know where I'm coming from." She gazed out over the trees to the north for a moment, her vision far away, then turned back to me. "Did Edward ever tell you how I ended up like this?" she asked.

I flinched at his name as the hole in my chest spasmed, making it difficult to breathe. I thought I saw a moment of recognition and understanding in her eyes, but she didn't say anything.

Shutting down my breathing, I started sorting through my memories of what Edward had told me about his family, trying to find the information without actually remembering _him_ telling it to me, always skirting the edges of things that were too painful to relive. All of my memories were so faded and blurry now, I was having to examine them far too closely before I could tell if the information about Rosalie was there or not. I hunched my shoulders forward but resisted the urge to wrap my arms around my chest.

"He told me something, but I can't seem to…" I shook my head. The wrong things were becoming too vivid, though still disconcertingly out of focus.

Her perfect eyebrows drew together. "Is it difficult to remember?" she asked.

I nodded.

She pursed her lips and tilted her head, examining me. I tried to straighten up but the pain in my chest was simply too much. She patted my knee gently, and I relaxed slightly, pushing the memories back behind my ever-present wall of white noise.

"Well I imagine he left out the details anyway," she said. "And I won't burden you with them now, either. It is not a happy story, Bella. I don't have to have Jasper's gift to know that now isn't the time for stories like mine, but I want you to understand why I've acted the way I have."

She looked out over the trees again. "I was eighteen the year it happened. All I wanted out of life was to be adored by a husband who could give me a big house and beautiful babies, and to watch those babies grow up. I was so close to getting that, to getting everything. And then the man I loved betrayed me, broke me, and left me alone to die. If it hadn't been for Carlisle, that would have been the last thing I ever felt: the sting of betrayal by the one person who had claimed to love me more than anyone."

She turned back to me, her face serious. "When I saw you, I thought you did this for _him_. I thought you threw away your life to get his approval, even after he left you. But I was wrong, and I know that now. You didn't do this _for_ him. He did this _to_ you. By abandoning you, he damned you to this fate."

A crash from the north drew our attention, but when Emmett didn't appear after a moment, Rosalie continued, her eyes far away. "Believe me when I say, I know how that feels, Bella. Better than any of the others, I know. And that binds us together. You will always be my sister, Isabella Swan. And _he_ will never again be my brother, not unless you decide to forgive him for what he's done."

I gaped at her as rustling sounds alerted us to Emmett's approach. "Rosalie, I…"

"Don't think about it now," she said, smiling softly and patting my knee again. "We'll talk more later. For now, let's go kill something, shall we?"

–o–

Under Emmett's expert tutelage, I successfully hunted and killed my very first bear, which, as he promised, did indeed taste much better than the moose had. Miraculously the clothes Alice had loaned me managed to make it through in one piece, though Emmett teased me relentlessly about still getting more blood on me than in me. And behind Emmett at every moment was Rosalie, watching my progress with a look of nearly smug satisfaction on her beautiful face. I couldn't help but feel that the battle lines were being drawn – for what battle I didn't yet know.

The rising sun was a distant point of light on the southeastern horizon by the time we returned to the house. Alice met us at the front door, an eyebrow raised and a pile of clothing loosely clutched to her chest.

"You couldn't have shown her how to keep clean while hunting?" she asked Emmett in exasperation as we filed into the entry way.

"What, and miss out on all that hilarity?" he laughed. "Just think of all the new clothing she's going to need to buy!"

She rolled her eyes as Emmett winked at her. Over his shoulder, Rosalie caught my gaze and smiled slightly, almost conspiratorially, then with a flip of her hair swept down the hall towards the rest of the house. Emmett followed her a moment later, still laughing.

Alice turned back to me and sighed, taking in my appearance. "You need another shower," she said with a grimace, and led me upstairs.

–o–

When I emerged from Alice's bathroom half an hour later, freshly showered and wearing another borrowed outfit, she was sitting cross-legged on the bed, waiting for me. She rose and walked towards me, a small silver cell phone in her hand and a stern look on her face. "I should chide you for not calling Charlie sooner, but it turns out it's a good thing you didn't, you wouldn't have lied as well. I've tried this several different ways and this will work best," she said, mixing her tenses as she often did when discussing her visions of the future, and making me dizzy in the process.

"I'll talk to him first," she continued. "Follow my lead and stick with the lie, okay? If we do this right, we can get him to stop worrying _and_ possibly allow you to see him again someday. So be careful what you say."

I watched her dial the number for Charlie's house, my throat closing up. What could we possibly say to Charlie that would make all of this okay?

"And be sure to emphasize that you can't come home, not until we figure this situation out," she said almost absent-mindedly as she pressed the phone to her ear. Even from where I stood I could hear the line ringing, and then the click of someone picking up.

"Swan residence," I heard Charlie's voice say through the phone. He sounded harried and anxious. I felt even guiltier.

"Charlie?" Alice asked, her voice suddenly worried. I knew it was an act but it still tore at me. "This is Alice Cullen."

"Alice!" Charlie exclaimed. "Have you heard from Bella? We've been looking everywhere—"

"Actually that's why I'm calling. She just showed up on our doorstep, here in LA," she said, a note of confusion in her voice now.

"Is she okay?" he demand.

"Physically she's fine – Carlisle thinks she has a sinus infection, but otherwise she's perfect – but emotionally… Charlie what happened? We can't really get her to talk to us."

The line was silent for a moment. Alice glanced quickly at me, real worry in her eyes. She actually wanted to know the answer.

"You know very well what happened, Alice," Charlie replied. I could hear the anger in his voice, and could tell he was trying to control it; he knew he shouldn't direct it at Alice. "You all left so suddenly, and then that brother of yours— Alice, keep her away from him, as a favor to me, please? I'll come straight down and pick her up."

"Charlie, I don't understand, what about Edward?" Alice ratcheted the anxiety in her voice up another notch.

I wrapped my arms around my middle and hunched my shoulders forward, wishing I could be anywhere else but here listening to this conversation. But Alice would need me to play a part, so I stayed, for Charlie's sake.

"He left her alone in the woods, took us hours to find her! And then no letters, no phone calls all these months." His sigh reverberated through the phone. "It's been really bad, Alice," he said, softer now. "We nearly had to hospitalize her at the beginning there."

Alice's arm shot out and caught me around the waist just as my knees buckled. She towed me to the end of the bed, holding the phone in one hand and supporting most of my weight with the other, then sat down beside me and gently pulled my head onto her shoulder.

Charlie was still talking. "I was worried she would do something stupid, but this? Just keep her away from him, okay? I don't know what it would do to her a second time."

"Charlie," Alice said, hesitating a moment. "Edward isn't here. Something went wrong with his adoption. I don't know all the details, but someone else asserted custody and he had to go live with them. It all happened really suddenly, right after we moved. We haven't heard from him in months, but we thought it was because of the legal issues with the adoption. We assumed he would stay in contact with Bella. She really hasn't heard anything from him?"

I watched Alice closely as she spoke, trying to figure out where she was going with this – and trying to block out the thrumming pain in my chest.

Charlie let out the breath he had apparently been holding, and I could almost imagine his expression. "No, not a thing."

Alice groaned. "It's worse than we thought, then. This is very bad, Charlie. I need to talk to Carlisle." She angled the phone away from her face just slightly. "Bella?" she called, as though I wasn't sitting right beside her. "Bella sweetie, do you feel up to talking to your dad?"

She held out the phone to me, not giving me a chance to say no – I had to play along to make this work. I took the phone gingerly, like it was a live animal. Alice gave me a reassuring look and squeezed my shoulder.

I put the phone to my ear. "Dad?" Playing up the 'sinus infection' angle, I coughed slightly and cleared my throat. I could only imagine how different my voice would sound to him now.

"Bells, is that you?" Charlie's voice came through the phone, anxious and unsure again.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm really sorry Dad, I guess I kind of flipped out." I looked at Alice to see if I was doing this right, and she nodded encouragingly.

"You scared me half to death, Bella!" he said, his tone reproachful and yet relieved.

"I'm really sorry," I said again. "I should have called earlier. I started driving and just sort of… went, I guess." I shook my head; this wasn't going very well. "I should have thought about how worried you would be, but I had to find out, I had to know…" I let my voice trail off. Maybe vague was better until I could figure out where Alice was trying to take this little scene of ours.

Charlie was silent for a long moment, then sighed. "You need to come home now, Bella." His voice was firm.

As I struggled to find a way to answer to him, Alice hissed at me, "_I can't do that yet_," so fast and low I was sure Charlie hadn't heard it. She nodded at me encouragingly again.

I blinked at her, but repeated the line best I could. "I can't come home yet, Dad." Alice whispered to me again, and the pieces began to fit together in my head. Her hushed prompting went by so quickly that I didn't think Charlie had even noticed a pause. "You heard what Alice said about the adoption," I continued, refusing to say Edward's name out loud as Alice had. "I think something's really wrong. I have to find him, I have to figure out what happened."

"You can't go running around the country on your own, Bella!" Charlie said, his voice rising. "Let Dr. Cullen handle this. If it's what you think it is, if that's the reason he left you like that," I cringed at his words, but he kept talking, "then let Dr. Cullen straighten it out. Come home. Then at least he'll know where to find you, if he has a mind to."

I hardly needed Alice's input for the next part. "I'm sorry Dad," I murmured quietly. "But I'm an adult now. I have to do this."

He sighed loudly, as though he had been worried I would play the 'adult' card. "I really think you should come home. I don't want you to get hurt, Bells."

"I'll be fine. I'll call and let you know how it's going. I'll be fine, really."

"I didn't mean physically," Charlie replied, his voice gruff.

I was quiet for the space of a human heart beat. "I know," I replied softly. "But I have to find out what happened to him." I squeezed my eyes shut, almost believing the lie.

He sighed. "You really aren't going to change your mind, Bells?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered into the phone, "but I have to do this."

"Well," he cleared his throat and started again. "Remember that you can always come home. No matter what happens or how long it's been, this will always be your home, understand?"

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded, though he couldn't see me. "Thanks, Dad. That means a lot." My eyes burned.

"Call me soon, okay?" he said then, his voice anxious again.

"I will, I promise."

I was silent for what felt like forever to me, but in reality the moment must have passed very quickly for Charlie. "I love you, Dad," I whispered into the phone, and then clicked it shut.

Alice pulled me back onto her shoulder and wrapped her arms around me, rocking me slowly. "He left you in the woods?" she asked after a long moment, her soft voice troubled.

Flinching as pain ripped through my chest, I pushed the memory away and nodded.

She squeezed me and sighed. "I'm sorry, Bella. He's always so dramatic, especially when he's upset. I would have stopped him if I had seen what he planned, but I was… a bit preoccupied at the time. He told us later what happened, but I'm starting to think he left out some parts."

I froze there on her shoulder, unwillingly imagining what Edward must have told his family: _I'm bored with Bella, and with this town. Let's leave before one of us slips up and bites her and I'm stuck with her forever…_

"Did Charlie believe us?" I asked Alice, tearing myself away from the horrible image my mind had conjured.

"I think so," she replied, wrapping one of my damp curls around her finger. "He's going to call back tonight to talk to Carlisle, but at least he has stopped worrying that you've been killed or abducted."

"And if he looks into the adoption story?"

"He'll run into the same roadblocks everyone does when they start digging into our history: closed adoptions, sealed family court records, redacted dates and locations. We have a very good lawyer, and an even better forger."

A light knocking followed by the creaking of the door hinge announced Jasper's presence. Alice turned to look at him as he walked towards the bed, but made no move to stand.

"She did great," she said softly as he came to stand in front of us.

"We knew she would," he replied with a small smile, though his eyes were tight again. I sank into myself, wishing there was some way I could keep my emotions from Jasper.

"The sisters are back?" Alice asked. From her tone I suspected she already knew the answer.

Jasper nodded. "Eleazar and Carmen as well. Carlisle is speaking with them now," he said. "It isn't going well."

I jumped as the front door slammed, the crash rattling the whole house.

"Irina," Jasper said, wincing slightly.

"Kate is going to go after her," Alice murmured, her eyes unfocused.

"Tanya wants to go as well, but she's… conflicted," Jasper replied in the same tone, tilting his head to the side as he followed the emotions of everyone else in the house.

Conflicted. There was a lot of that going around, it seemed. I sighed and sat up. "I suppose I should go down there and explain why their lives have been turned upside down."

"Carlisle laid out the situation," Alice said, her gaze meeting mine again. "They don't blame you."

"No one does," Jasper added, watching me with an indecipherable expression on his scarred face.

"Still, I'm the unexpected guest, I should at least go introduce myself." I gently extricated myself from Alice's grasp, then stood and started for the door.

"We'll go with you," Jasper said, turning to follow me.

"No!" I said too quickly. He raised his eyebrows in surprise, and in a split-second decision I decided to just be honest with him. "Emotions are going to be running wild down there, I'm sure," I said, my voice softer. "Why not give yourself some space from all of that – and from me?"

"Bella," Alice started, standing up from the bed.

"I'll be fine, really," I said, forcing a small smile. I wondered if it looked as unnatural as it felt. "I'm a big girl. I walked all the way up here on my own, remember? I can handle meeting a few new people."

Alice pursed her lips but nodded, slipping her hand into Jasper's.

"I'll see you guys in a bit," I said, turning away from even that small expression of affection and hurrying out the door.

The scene that greeted me as I descended the stairs was significantly calmer than I had expected it to be. Carlisle stood near the fireplace talking with two vampires I had never seen before, a man and a woman, both dark haired and with a slight olive cast to their pale skin. The room was empty besides them, though I could hear Esme talking with someone in the foyer in quick, hushed phrases.

The front door opened and closed just as I reached the bottom of the staircase, and a moment later Esme entered the room. She looked sad and fretful, but when her gaze met mine she smiled delicately and darted across the room to pull me into an embrace.

I couldn't seem to go more than a few minutes without one of the Cullens touching me – likely because they were no longer worried about breaking me or inadvertently eating me – but after months of avoiding physical contact as much as possible, this was going to take some getting used to. All the same, I found myself relaxing into Esme's motherly hug for one long, quiet moment.

"Bella," Carlisle called softly, breaking me out of my reverie. "Come meet Carmen and Eleazar."

Esme walked beside me as I made my way over to Carlisle and the others near the fireplace. Carmen and Eleazar watched me with open curiosity, and I noticed that their eyes were dark, nearly black, as though they hadn't stopped to hunt before returning home.

The man, Eleazar, stepped forward, extending his hand towards me. "Welcome to Denali, Bella," he said, grasping one of my hands in both of his own. He was a few inches taller than Carlisle, thinner than Jasper, and his dark hair waved in a way that made it look exotic. Looking up at him, I tried to remember if I had ever seen someone with such gentle eyes. "Believe me when I say," he continued, smiling and cutting his gaze towards Carlisle, "your appearance has made our cousins very happy."

Beside me, Esme smiled and squeezed my shoulder gently.

Carmen stepped around Eleazar then, pulling me into a quick hug and kissing me on each cheek. "Bella, welcome," she said, stepping back and looking at me with that same curiosity.

I had barely managed to stutter out my thanks when the front door banged opened again and Tanya swept into the room. As I looked at her exquisite face for the first time, the secret I had been trying to keep from myself finally bubbled to the surface, making the hole in my chest squeeze in agony. In some dark corner of my mind, I had thought that maybe, just maybe, Edward would be here in Denali, taking Tanya up on her offer from so long ago. Seeing her now I realized that it would have killed me, immortal or not, if he had been here wrapped up in this perfect woman with her perfect strawberry blonde curls. How he could say no to _that_ and yet say yes to me, however briefly, I would never understand.

Tanya didn't seem to be aware of my presence as she stormed over to one of the large windows, crossing her arms over her chest and staring out at the growing daylight.

"How is she?" Carmen asked her, like they were in the middle of a conversation.

"She's being completely unreasonable, of course," Tanya sighed, an edge in her voice. "He wasn't even here that long!"

"Go easy on her," Carmen said, crossing the room to stand beside her. "You have never had a relationship like the one Irina shared with Laurent."

"They weren't mated," Tanya interjected, as though that fact changed everything.

"No," Carmen allowed, speaking slowly. "But it may have been going that way. She will recover, but give her time."

I wanted to crawl into myself and hide, as Eleazar, Carlisle, Esme, and I stood listening to their conversation. I was the reason for this, I was the reason Laurent died. And yet they welcomed me into their home.

Tanya sighed again and ran her hand over her face. "You're right, of course, Carmen. I just wish I knew how to help her."

"I'll go talk to her," Carmen said, patting Tanya's shoulder gently. "And you should say hello to our guest."

Tanya turned towards me in a quick blur of strawberry curls, her golden eyes wide, as though she had forgotten that the reason Laurent was dead and Irina was so upset was standing in the room with her. Her face smoothed as she looked at me, though I couldn't help wondering if it was a mask.

"Where are my manners?" she asked conversationally, crossing the room towards me as Carmen slipped out towards the front door. "You must be Bella," she said, smiling sweetly at me. She was even more beautiful when she smiled. My silent heart sank deeper in my chest. "We've heard so much about you," she continued, shaking my hand and winking like she had made a joke.

"I've heard a lot about all of you as well," I replied, mostly to keep from gaping at her open-mouthed. "Thank you for having me, even after…"

She raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to finish.

"After what happened with Laurent," I stuttered out, feeling like a silly, plain child next to this woman. "I know he and Irina were close, and I'm so sorry for the upset all of this has caused for you and your family."

"It wasn't your fault, Bella, don't even think that," she said, dismissing it with a wave of her hand. "Carlisle said it was wolves?"

"Werewolves, yes," Carlisle said softly from behind me.

"You certainly can't blame yourself for the actions of a pack of rabid werewolves, Bella," Tanya said. "I understand now why your family left Forks, Carlisle," she continued, laughing lightly, though none of the others joined her. "Vampire-killing dogs roaming the forest; how did you ever get anything done?"

I stopped breathing, the hole in my chest threatening to strangle me, and in the sudden silence I heard the fabric of Carlisle's shirt shift as he stood a bit taller. "We had a treaty with the wolf pack, once upon a time. My hope is that we will be able to salvage it when we return to Forks," he said, his voice slightly tight.

Tanya nodded. "For the best, I'm sure," she said, then turned back to me, looking at me as though she was trying to solve a puzzle. I still hadn't breathed, and my shoulders were beginning to hunch forward. "It occurs to me," she said slowly, still watching me, "that I may have been a bit too hard on my sister. If you'll excuse me, I really should go speak with her again." She turned to go, then spun back to me. "Before I forget, the guest room at the end of the hall is yours for as long as you're here – I'm sure Alice knows the one I mean. We'll speak again soon?"

She waited for my nod, then dashed from the room, leaving me feeling like the victim of a strawberry blonde whirlwind. Carlisle came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. He guided me back over to the fireplace, where Esme and Eleazar were talking quietly.

"Eleazar, if we could impose on you for a moment?" Carlisle asked, glancing from the other man to me with a significant look.

Eleazar blinked at me, as though surprised that he hadn't already thought of whatever Carlisle was requesting. "Oh, of course. She's a shield."

It was my turn to blink in surprise. "I'm a what?" I asked.

He smiled at me kindly. "I'm afraid I can't be more specific, as you're blocking me right now."

"I'm not doing anything," I said, feeling my eyebrows draw together in confusion.

"Eleazar can sense gifts, Bella," Carlisle explained, "like Alice's ability to see the future, and Jasper's ability to read and influence emotions."

I let out a small breath I hadn't realized I had been holding, thankful that he hadn't mentioned Edward and his gift.

"With a great deal of accuracy, I should add," Carlisle continued, smiling at Eleazar.

"You flatter me too much, old friend," Eleazar laughed. "It's a haphazard process," he said to me, "since no two gifts are identical, and we often don't have the words to accurately describe the differences between what two individuals can do."

"He spent many years identifying the gifts of others for the Volturi," Carlisle smiled, patting the other man on the back. "So if he says you are a shield, then we can trust in that."

"But what does that mean?" I asked, still confused. "How could I be shielding against something if I'm not doing anything? And shielding against what?"

Eleazar pursed his lips, considering me. "Tell me, do your family members' gifts work on you?"

Surprised at his casual implication that I was part of the Cullen family, I couldn't do much other than stare at him wide-eyed.

"Alice and Jasper's gifts have always worked on Bella, and I believe still do," Carlisle replied, looking to me for confirmation. I nodded, still dumbstruck.

"But not…?" Eleazar asked Carlisle, his implication clear.

Carlisle shook his head. "Not when she was human, so I would assume…"

I relaxed slightly, thankful that they seemed to understand my need to avoid speaking of Edward.

Eleazar raised his eyebrows. "A strong gift indeed. A mental shield at the very least," he said, turning back to me. "But perhaps physical as well. You're still blocking me so I can't be sure, but if your shield is this strong without any conscious effort, I can only imagine how strong it could be with time and practice."

"Alice thought my 'gift' might be that I'm stubborn," I said then, finally remembering how to form coherent sentences. "I went into a gas station yesterday and bought maps from a human boy. She said it shouldn't have been possible for me to keep from killing him, but I just… didn't let myself, I guess."

He regarded me for a long moment, his eyes narrowed in thought. "It's possible," he said slowly, "that you are using your shield, subconsciously, to block your mind from your body, or even from other parts of your mind."

The wall of white noise I was using to keep my memories at bay seemed to fit what he was saying; I nodded. "Do you think I could learn to control it?" I asked.

"I see no reason why not. Nearly every vampire power I have encountered has required some degree of practice to control or enhance the latent ability. But there are no rules, everyone is different. You simply have to learn how to flex it, and then work that muscle once you find it.

"I knew another shield, years ago," Eleazar continued. "A mental shield, like yours, though she also had some talent with physical deflection. She once described to me the feeling of manipulating her mental shield as being like moving a piece of cloth, to open the crown of her head or obscure her face, for instance."

I tried to imagine what that would feel like – like wearing a hood, maybe, and choosing which parts of my head to expose? Was that really so different from how I had been controlling my memories, pushing them back or letting them through the wall of white noise?

"It occurs to me," Eleazar continued, "that since your shield was so strong even when you were human, you might have more luck at first in attempting to move your shield to guard additional areas of your psyche or person, rather than trying to lift it from areas of your mind it has likely been shielding since your birth. But again, there's no one in the world who can tell you how to do it, or what to look for. It's unique to you."

–o–

Carmen returned a few minutes later and pulled Eleazar and Esme into a conversation about home renovations. Carlisle drifted back over to the chess board, untouched from his earlier game with Emmett, a look of deep concentration on his face as he considered the remaining pieces. Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie seemed to still be upstairs, and the Denali sisters were talking outside, so I settled myself onto one of the sofas and gave Eleazar's advice some thought.

Carlisle seemed completely confident in Eleazar's assessment of my abilities, and I certainly had no reason to doubt him. What he had said did match up with what I had experienced so far, and it could even explain— I made myself think the words: it could explain why I was the only one whose mind Edward had never been able to read. I wasn't broken, I was talented.

Well, my mind wasn't broken. The rest of me was another story.

Of course, I didn't have the first idea about how to control my shield, much less how to turn it on and off, and according to Eleazar no one would be able to help me figure it out. Maybe another shield could help me, but the idea of running off in search of someone else with a talent like mine – another vampire who certainly wouldn't be vegetarian – wasn't exactly appealing.

Which left figuring it out on my own. I thought again about what he had said about the other shield he had known, the one who had described it like moving a piece of cloth around her head. It was probably the best starting point I was going to get.

Concentrating hard, I imagined pulling something down from my hairline, over my face, down below my chin. Even in my imagination, this invisible covering fought me, trying to spring back as I pulled it down. I wrestled with it for a few moments, and then snapped it into place near my collar bone. The tension was suddenly gone, leaving me feeling different, almost—

A crash echoed through the house, emanating from somewhere on the second floor. I started, wrenched from my thoughts, as Jasper came thundering down the stairs with Alice close on his heels. He flew across the room, leaping over a sofa in one fluid motion and skidding to a halt in front of me. Dropping to his knees, he put a hand on either side of my face, and I finally registered the expression on his face.

He was frantic, horrified. _Worried_.

"Bella, Bella come back," he said, his words rushing together. As he spoke, a nearly suffocating wave of calm happiness flowed out of him, and my reply died in my throat.

"Carlisle, I think something may be really wrong," Jasper called out, looking over his shoulder and missing the shock that flitted across my face. "Could she be catatonic?"

In an instant Carlisle was there, kneeling beside Jasper and staring at me. "She was talking just a few minutes ago," he said, slipping into his doctor tone.

"I'm fine!" I finally gasped, trying to back out of Jasper's grasp.

Jasper turned back to me, his eyebrows first rising in surprise and then lowering and drawing together. "The last thing you are is _fine_," he said, his voice serious, but he dropped his hands.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, trying not to make it sound like an accusation. The emotions he was shoving at me intensified, and I was surprised to find that the room's inanimate objects hadn't burst into spontaneous song.

"I feel what you feel. And right now, you aren't feeling anything at all."

As I looked at him in confusion, trying to think around the daisies-and-sunlight aura he was drowning me in, Eleazar cleared his throat. "Bella," he said, crossing the room towards us. "Were you trying to manipulate your shield just now, by any chance?"

"Oh," I squeaked, as the pieces clicked together in my head. I shot an apologetic look at Jasper and then lifted the imaginary latch that held the shield over my face in place. It sprang up towards my hairline and instantly I felt different, more open somehow.

Jasper rocked back, staring at me, and the exaggerated calm faded abruptly. "Do that again," he commanded, his voice hushed but urgent.

I mentally manhandled my shield back into place and latched it by my collar bone, then looked up to find Jasper watching me with a strange expression on his face.

"It's like you disappear," he said slowly. "You're there one moment, and then there's a blank place where you should be the next."

"A very strong shield, indeed," Eleazar murmured.

"But I could still feel his influence," I said to Eleazar, slipping the latch on my emotional shield and letting it snap up, then turning back to Jasper. "The emotions you were trying to make me feel, those still got through like normal."

Jasper stood and turned towards Eleazar. "Is it possible?" he asked. "I have never had anyone block my ability before, not even part of it."

Eleazar shrugged. "If you had seen the things I have, you would argue that very little is impossible. Bella's shield seems to be primarily mental, so perhaps your ability to read the emotions of others is also a mental ability. Or perhaps it is physical and Bella is more talented at blocking physical abilities than I previously thought." He shrugged again.

"The mental aspect of her shield must be very strong, since she was able to block Edward even when she was human—"

I wasn't sure who had spoken or how I had moved, but I suddenly found myself standing behind the sofa I had just been sitting on, while everyone else in the room stared at me with expressions of shock on their faces.

"Bella," Alice said, taking a step towards me.

Shaking my head, I started to back away. "I'm sorry," I stuttered out, my gaze jumping from face to face. "I just need some air." I turned and fled, slipping out the front door and into the slanting early morning sunlight.

–o–

Tanya found me out there an hour later, burrowed into a snow drift at the base of a pine tree, trying to avoid the scattered rays of sunshine that were sneaking through the clouds.

"Carlisle said you were out here," she said, settling down beside me.

I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively.

"I hear you gave Jasper quite a scare with your gift," she continued when I didn't say anything. "That's a neat trick. Someone needs to keep him on his toes – besides Alice, I mean."

I couldn't help but smile slightly at her. Even with all the upset I had caused for her and her family, she was still willing to try to pull me out of my shell, still willing to joke with me. I opened my mouth to thank her, but the topic I had been worrying on tumbled out instead: "How's Irina?"

"Irina will be… okay," Tanya sighed, rubbing her forehead. "She and Laurent were close, but they weren't _mated_." Her lip curled up at the word. "If I knew the man at all, I have to assume that he wasn't trying to murder you. He wasn't committed to our way of life, and someone dies whenever any of us slip up – it just usually isn't someone we know."

"He told me it wasn't personal. Just wrong place at the wrong time, I guess. But I still feel like—"

"Don't even say it," she cut me off. "It wasn't your fault that Laurent got himself killed, and you have to stop thinking that it was. And the way Carlisle tells it, if the werewolves hadn't come along when they did, our cousins would be mourning your death now, rather than Irina mourning Laurent."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Tanya held up a hand to stop me.

"I came out here to ask you something," she said once she was sure she had my attention. "I know Carlisle and Esme want you to return to Washington with them. They see you as their long-lost daughter, back from the dead," she said, rolling her eyes. "But they aren't in a good place right now emotionally, with everything that's been going on with Edward. And I'm not so sure you are, either," she added when I flinched at Edward's name.

"So this is me officially inviting you to stay with us, to live here in Denali, for as long as you want," she continued. "Kate and I can teach you what you need to know, and Irina will come around eventually. And if your gift makes you as resistant to humans as Eleazar seems to think, I'm sure you could join us in the more _fun_ aspects of our lives here sooner rather than later."

"Fun?" I asked, completely unable to guess at what she meant.

"Human men, Bella," she said, grinning at me. "There are a lot of lonely men up here in Alaska, and winter nights are very long."

I blinked at her. "You mean, like…?"

She raised a slim eyebrow, her look pointed.

I swallowed. "I couldn't. I mean I _haven't_, and I…" I stuttered to a halt and swallowed again.

She tilted her head, watching me with laughing eyes. "You blushed a lot when you were human, didn't you?"

I flinched and nodded, wondering if phantom limbs felt more like this emptiness where a blush was supposed to go, or like the pulsing hole in my chest.

"I can assure you, we don't mind," she said, the laughter finding its way to her voice. "Virginity is a passing phase for all sexual creatures, and it will be for you as well. Like I said, we'll teach you what you need to know."

I gaped at her. "I really couldn't," I finally managed.

"You really can," she shot back.

A few seconds passed before I could push back the vivid images in my mind enough to form a coherent response. "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer to let me stay here, I really do. But…"

"But… you're saving yourself for someone?" she prompted when I trailed off.

"Yes," I replied in a small voice, feeling like a naïve little girl.

"You love him that much?"

I could only nod.

"But he _left_ you," she said. Her voice held no judgment, no anger. Just confusion.

I opened and closed my mouth twice before I found my voice. "I know," I whispered.

"We could help you get over him," she said gently. "He's not the only man in the world, human or vampire. Sexual gratification goes a long way to healing emotional wounds."

The hole in my chest seized in one long spike of pain. What she was proposing was simply impossible for me. The grief was beyond words and I had no air in my lungs, so I just looked at her and hoped she understood.

She returned my gaze, her face softening. Eventually she made a small _humph_ sound and looked away, out over the wilderness surrounding her home.

"You know, I had a very similar conversation with He Who Must Not Be Named, fourteen months ago and two hundred yards that way," she said, motioning with her head. Her tone was at once joking and completely understanding. "Except the part about teaching you to seduce human men, obviously." She paused to wink at me, then heaved a sigh before continuing. "You really had him rattled at the time, and I'll tell you now what I told him then: you're stronger than you think you are. Which at the moment is as much part of the problem as it is the solution, I think."

"Is there a solution?" I asked quietly, looking up at her.

"Of course there is. With men, there always is, and it's usually much simpler than you think."

I rested my chin on my hands and nodded glumly, trying to imagine a world where 'Edward' and 'simple solution' went together.

"Well," she said, leaning back. "You will always have a place here, if you want it. But I've seen that look before and I'm not about to stand in its way. Go back to Forks with Carlisle and Esme, help them get their lost little boy back. If you get bored with him, you know where to find us." She winked at me, stood, and was gone.


	9. Chapter 9: Treaty

**Chapter 9 – Treaty**

"We need to contact Ephraim Black's heir before we can return to Forks."

I stared up at Carlisle. That was not the response I had expected to my announcement that I wanted to return to Washington with he and Esme and the others. "What does Jacob have to do with anything?" I blurted out.

"You know him?" Jasper asked, looking up from his book. He and Alice were curled into one corner of a sofa, while Carlisle and I stood near the fireplace; the cavernous living room was empty besides us.

"Sure," I shrugged. "Our dads have been friends since before we were born, and Jacob and I have been hanging out a bit the last few months." I tried to make it sound nonchalant, but I caught the scowl that flickered across Jasper's face.

"I hadn't realized you were so close with the Black family," Carlisle said, his tone thoughtful. "But I meant Billy Black, actually."

I opened my mouth to ask the obvious question, but Alice spoke before I could.

"Carlisle," she said, setting down her sketch book, "you've decided to meet with the werewolves?"

"I have," he replied, turning towards her. "I'm concerned about the state of our treaty with them, given what happened to Bella. If we ever want to return to Forks, now or in the future, we need to make sure the treaty still holds. And Bella," he said, looking at me again, "I believe we will have the best chance of securing the peace if you go with me."

"If you think it will help," I replied. Meeting the werewolves who had killed Laurent and chased me out of Washington was not high on my priority list, but if it would allow the Cullens to return to their home, of course I would go.

"Alice," Jasper said, drawing me out of my thoughts. "What is it?"

"I can't see them," she murmured, then looked up at Carlisle and I, her eyes clearing but her face worried. "I can see you getting to Forks, but I can't see the meeting. You both just disappear."

"An ambush?" Jasper asked, looking from Alice to Carlisle.

Alice shook her head and put a reassuring hand on his arm. "I would see an ambush, or any other catastrophe. But this is just _nothing_."

"Could it be me?" I asked, remembering Jasper's words from a few hours earlier – _It's like you disappear. You're there one moment, and then there's a blank place where you should be the next._ "Could I be blocking your sight with my shield somehow?"

"I don't _think_ so," she said slowly. "My gift is completely physical, I don't think a shield could block it. And even if you could, why would you start blocking me only once you got to Forks? You would have to decide now to block me then, I think…" She trailed off, her expression worried again.

"But didn't this happen once before? When I first got here you said that you should have seen what happened with Laurent, even though you were trying not to watch me."

Alice's eyebrows knit together, but she nodded.

"If we assume it isn't Bella's shield," Carlisle said, moving closer to Jasper and Alice as he spoke, his hands deep in his pockets, "then perhaps the common factor is the presence of the werewolves? Could they be doing something to block your sight, Alice?"

She and Jasper exchanged an uncertain look, so quickly I almost missed it. "I've never interacted with them, so I can't be sure. When you were in Forks in the thirties, did they seem resistant to… other gifts?"

"No," Carlisle replied, his face thoughtful. "But they are quite unique, from everything I know about them. Not at all like the werewolves of Europe. I would love the chance to study their genetics in depth. Perhaps if we can re-secure the treaty, and with Bella's friendship with the Blacks…"

"So why is Billy so important?" I asked, stepping closer to Alice and Jasper as well.

"Oh, of course," Carlisle said, turning back to me. "Our treaty was originally with Ephraim Black, Billy's grandfather, as leader of the werewolf pack and chief of the Quileute tribe. The genetic mutation that allows them to shape shift into giant wolves appears to have skipped several generations, but if the pack has formed once again, Ephraim's heir is at the center of it, I'm sure.

"That you know him is a bit of a Godsend, Bella, I must admit," he continued. "Without that in our favor, I'm not sure what the state of the treaty would be."

"I still don't like you two going in there blind," Alice said, her gaze fixed on some point in the middle distance. "Maybe I should go with you—" She broke off suddenly, blinking. "Now _everything_ disappears. We get to Forks, and then nothing."

"How can we be sure this isn't an ambush?" Jasper asked again, an edge in his voice.

Alice shook her head. "I can see some things beyond it, just nothing in the immediate future. I can see what I'm going to give you for our anniversary, and that you'll love it." She smiled and winked at him, trying to ease the tension, but Jasper's mouth set into a hard line. "I think the theory that it's the wolves is an interesting one, but we won't know until we test it," she added. "Which means I'm going with you to Forks."

Jasper looked like he was about to protest, but instead he stood. "I'll start packing," he sighed, and started towards the stairs.

–o–

While the others packed, I decided to investigate the room Tanya had set aside for me. It was a mirror image of Alice and Jasper's room, decorated in sage green. I bypassed the bed, prying my mind away from the suggestions that Tanya had made, and went straight for the enormous bathroom. It was pristinely clean, like everything else in the house, and there was a gift basket of bath products set prominently in the middle of the granite counter top.

Remembering what Alice had said about the smell of shampoo, I picked up a bottle of bubble bath and took a careful sniff. It smelled like jasmine and lavender, with a slight undertone of olive oil; the label proclaimed it all natural and organic. With a smile I started the bathtub, finding the hottest temperature I could stand, then added the bubble bath to it.

It turned out the psychic was right – I was going to take a nice, long bath after all.

–o–

I was still soaking in the tub forty-five minutes later when Alice found me. I had had to add more hot water to the bath a couple of times, as the water kept cooling quickly, from the cold Alaskan air or my own body temperature I wasn't sure. I was enjoying the smell of the steam and the slippery feeling of the bubbles against my skin when a light knock at the door announced her presence. Alice entered half a second later, towing a small roll-along suitcase behind her.

"I see you found the bubble bath," she said, smiling at me. "Tanya always buys the good stuff that actually smells nice." She left the suitcase by the door and crossed the bathroom in her lithe dancer's steps; I wondered if I looked anywhere near as graceful now. Perching on the side of the tub, she turned on the hot water for a few seconds, as though she knew without asking that the water was just starting to get a bit too cool again – which of course she had known.

"I packed a bag for you," she said as she turned the water off, "with all the unhemmed pants I have with me and some shirts you should like." I knew that in Alice-speak this meant 'shirts you would like if you had any fashion sense,' and not 'shirts I think you will like.' "I even managed to find a tupperware for your rock, so that's in there too," she added.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

She smiled and shrugged, and then her face turned serious. "Bella," she said slowly, "I am so glad you decided to come back to Washington with us. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. But have you given any thought—"

"Honestly, I just want to get back to Forks," I sighed, cutting her off before she could bring up something I would rather not talk about. "I'll figure out the rest of it later."

She nodded, looking sad. "I should get back to packing," she sighed. "Carlisle is going to call Billy Black in a few minutes, and then hopefully we'll know when we're leaving – I can't see that either. I couldn't talk Jasper out of coming along, so it will be the four of us in Carlisle's car. Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie are going to follow with the rest of the cars and meet us back at the house. Carlisle is pretty certain we'll be able to reestablish the treaty. I just wish I could help."

She sighed again and stood, starting towards the door. "Enjoy the rest of your bath," she said, some of her normal chipperness working its way back into her voice. "I would warn you not to stay in too long and get all pruney, but that's just one more thing you don't have to worry about any more." She winked at me and then slipped out the door, leaving me alone with the bubbles and steam.

–o–

I stayed in the bath until the water cooled again, then toweled and dressed. A peek inside the suitcase Alice had left confirmed my fears about the fashion-forward tops she had packed for me, but to my relief she had also washed and packed the flannel shirt she had loaned me for my hunting trip with Emmett and Rosalie. I slipped it on and went downstairs, anxious to find out how Carlisle's call with Billy had gone.

I found the rest of the house in a state of quiet activity as the six Cullens buzzed from room to room, upstairs to downstairs to outside and back, packing suitcases and boxes into three cars with the ease that comes from moving often.

"Billy agreed to meet with you and I tomorrow," Carlisle explained as I helped him carry boxes of medical texts down to Esme's car. I was still surprised to find that the weight and even the awkwardness of carrying multiple boxes full of books didn't hamper me in the slightest; I was only limited by my ability to see over more than two boxes stacked on top of each other.

"He said the pack structure has changed, and he'll be bringing two other wolves with him, but wouldn't be more specific. I think the distrust of us has only grown over the generations," he added as we packed the boxes into the car.

My mind wrestled with the image of Billy as a werewolf – as one of the wolves who had chased me into Canada, even. I couldn't make sense of it. "Why just you and I?" I asked. "What about Jasper and Alice?"

"They'll be nearby," Carlisle assured me. "I believe the pack truly wants to reestablish the treaty with us, but the last thing we want to do is overpower them with a show of force."

Not for the first time, I wondered about Jacob's place in all this. The one time we had spoken of it, nearly a year ago, he hadn't believed the story was anything more than a myth. And yet his father seemed to be at the center of something I knew first hand to be very real. Where did my friend fit? And would he still be my friend after this?

Forks was once again where my future led, and I was suddenly very anxious to get on the road to that future.

–o–

"You know," I sighed, looking out the window, "I think humans have bladders specifically so that car rides wouldn't be so boring."

We had been driving for nearly seven hours straight, with only the quickest gas stop in the history of the world to break up the monotony of the Alaskan landscape. Even at vampire speeds, it was still going to take us nearly a full day to drive from Denali to Forks. And without bathroom breaks, naps, or road trip food, the boredom was quickly becoming stifling.

"No," Alice replied, drawing the syllable out. We were sitting in the back seat of Carlisle's sedan, as Carlisle drove and Jasper rode shotgun; she didn't look up from her reading material when she spoke. "That's why humans have fashion magazines. Here." She reached into what appeared to be a bottomless tote bag at her feet and tossed a thick, glossy magazine at me. "It's time for you to take a healthy interest in fashion. Put that big vampire brain of yours to use, you might learn something."

I couldn't honestly say what made me look through the offending pile of overdone photographs of too-thin models: boredom or insanity, it was a tossup. I flipped through the entire thing page by page, practicing my ability to handle objects with care. Out of five hundred and eighty four pages, I only ripped nine.

"Bella," Alice said, her tone threatening, as I closed the back cover with a satisfying thump. "Not even I can read through Vogue that quickly. Go back and start over, and really _look_ at it this time."

Sighing, I flipped back to the front, turning the pages slowly and letting the images actually register. I was on page thirty-three when I finally realized what was bothering me about the magazine, besides the obsession with clothing and the unrealistic standards of beauty. "It's all in French," I blurted out.

"They call it French Vogue for a reason," Alice replied dryly.

"And the models are all wearing summer clothes," I complained.

"It's the summer season fashion preview. Says so right on the cover."

"In _French_!"

She studiously ignored me.

I carefully examined another fifty-eight pages, trying to use what I remembered of my high school Spanish to piece together the French verbs. Either I wasn't translating very well, or the topics were actually that inane.

"If I thought it would increase your interest in fashion, I would teach you French myself," Alice said into the silence of the car several minutes later.

I snorted and turned the page, enjoying the sound of the fibers of the glossy paper pulling apart as I moved it a bit too roughly, followed by the delicate grinding of Alice clenching her teeth.

"That might not be a bad idea, actually," Jasper said from the front seat.

Alice glanced up at him, breaking eye contact with her magazine for the first time in over an hour.

"We're still planning on college this fall, correct?" he continued, turning in his seat to face us.

"We have to—" Alice started to say, but broke off suddenly. "Yes, I think we can safely plan on college this fall," she sighed.

"Then Bella needs to get her GED, so she can go with us," Jasper shrugged, as though it were completely obvious.

"Can't we just, I don't know, forge papers for me or something?" I asked, wrinkling up my nose. High school graduation was the last thing on my mind.

"There will be plenty of time for forged papers later, believe me," Alice said, patting my knee gently. "You should go to college under your own name while you still can. Besides, it will make Charlie happy."

She had me there. The idea of me attending college would definitely make Charlie happy, and going would give me another chance to delay the inevitable day when I would have to fake my death for his benefit. I would address the hurdle of how I was going to pay for college later.

I sighed. "So how does it work?" I asked, grudgingly acquiescing. "Do I take the test online or something?"

"You'll have to sit for it in person, but with the control you've already shown, that shouldn't be a problem," Alice said, clearly picking up steam. "We'll get you listed as homeschooling for your last semester of high school. I'll help you study. It'll be so much fun!"

As Alice took out a notebook and started jotting things down, still talking animatedly, I shot Jasper a sour look. He smiled at me, looking rather proud of himself, and turned back towards the front.

"…Now if you _insist_ on sticking with Spanish, Jasper will have to help you study for that," Alice prattled on. "But my offer to teach you French still stands – oh Bella, you would just _love_ France!"

–o–

The rest of the drive passed much faster, as the four of us discussed what I would need to read up on for the GED test and how much I remembered from my high school classes. Even Carlisle chimed in with thoughts on which books from the family's massive collection I should use. It turned out I had forgotten most of what I had learned in History, and every scrap of Calculus had gone straight out of my head with the transformation. Alice promised to help me with both, and assured me that Calculus would seem stupidly easy now.

Somewhere around the fifteen hour mark, I realized the genius behind what Jasper had done. We were having an engaging discussion, making plans for the coming months, and fashion hadn't been mentioned once. The drive was flying by, and I actually felt hopeful about the future for the first time in a long time. I would have to find a way to thank him.

–o–

The sun was beginning its descent behind the thick cloud cover by the time we reached Forks. Carlisle turned right onto a small road when we were still several miles north of town, and we followed it as it wound west through the increasingly dense trees. After several miles, he turned right again, onto a gravel road barely wide enough for the sedan, and then pulled to a stop.

"We're meeting them about a mile up this road," Carlisle explained, as the engine idled almost silently. "Alice, have you been able to see anything?"

"Nothing," she replied with a grimace. "Not about today, anyway – Esme has apparently decided to plant roses behind the house, and they'll be beautiful come June." She made a face, clearly unhappy about the hole in her vision.

"Jasper?" Carlisle asked, turning to the other man.

"There are three of them," he shrugged. "One is uncomfortable, worried, and anxious. The second is feeling stern, a bit angry, and also anxious. The third is all over the place – guilty and angry, mostly, but not in a way that would worry me about an ambush. He's also quite anxious to get this over with."

"Let's not keep them waiting, then," Carlisle said.

Jasper nodded, and as one he and Alice slipped out of the car and melted into the trees nearby, where they would wait and monitor the situation, just in case. I climbed into the front seat that Jasper had vacated, and Carlisle began driving again as soon as my door was closed.

He was quiet for a long moment, as we bounced along the uneven surface of the road. Memories of the last time I had been alone with Carlisle, on the evening of my birthday as he stitched my arm up, came unbidden to my mind, though they were scrambled and indistinct. I pushed them back behind the ever-present wall in my mind and forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

"I'm not sure who Billy has brought with him," he said softly, breaking the silence, "but there's a good chance whoever it is will be fairly new to shifting into the werewolf form. My understanding is that until they gain control, the shift can be made accidentally, if they are provoked to anger."

"So I should watch what I say," I added dryly.

Carlisle smiled slightly and nodded. "If something should go wrong, stay calm. The treaty is what matters here, and if we react well I'm sure Billy will be able to rein in the offending wolf and handle the situation."

"And if it does turn out to be an ambush?" I asked in a small voice.

He sighed and seemed to deflate slightly. "Watch out for their teeth and claws, they can do a great deal of damage to us – it's their only purpose for having them, in fact. Run back down the road towards Jasper, and then do whatever he says to do. Though perhaps we should be asking you what to do, as I think you may be the only vampire to ever escape the pack."

I looked out the window at the darkening fir trees. "We're faster than they are in the water. That's the only thing that saved me, I think."

"Don't worry Bella, everything is going to be fine," he said, touching my shoulder gently.

Turning back to him, I nodded and forced a small smile. My gut told me things would never again be _fine_, but I also knew this was not the time to dwell on my personal sorrows. If I could keep it together here, the Cullens would be able to return to their home, and that was the priority.

"One last thing," Carlisle said, slowing slightly as we drove over a series of deep potholes. "Just to be safe, it's probably best if you don't breathe while we're near them. Do you know how to hold in a lung-full of air and use that to speak?"

"Yes." The ability to go without breathing was definitely one of the benefits to being undead.

"Good. I'll fill in as you need me to, so only speak when it's absolutely necessary."

He slowed the car and pulled off onto a small patch of grass beside the stump of a tree. With the noise of the car gone, I could suddenly hear three distinct heartbeats, loud and slow and wet. Swallowing back the venom that had begun to pool in my mouth, I took a deep breath from the untainted air of the car, holding it in.

"They're just ahead," Carlisle said as he turned off the engine. "Are you ready?"

I nodded, abruptly nervous. As I climbed out of the car, I tried to convince myself that this was just Billy, a man I had known my entire life, and a few of the guys from La Push, maybe even some of Jacob's friends. But when I tried to remember what Billy and Jacob looked like, the only image my mind could summon was that of the giant wolves who had chased me just a few days earlier.

I swallowed again, this time out of nervousness, and looked back the way we had come, into the trees where I knew Alice and Jasper were hiding. They wouldn't let anything happen to me, and neither would Carlisle. And with a sudden fierceness, I realized I wouldn't let anything happen to them, either.

With this thought firmly in mind, I followed Carlisle down the gravel path, towards the wet beating of three hearts. I fell in beside him, matching his pace though it felt far too slow, steeling myself for what was about to happen.

As we rounded a bend in the road, I caught sight of the Black's beat up old Ford. Billy sat in his wheelchair nearby, looking unsettled on the gravel, and between us and him stood two tall, muscular men, both wearing only shorts despite the frost lingering beneath the trees. After half a second I recognized Sam Uley, his face tugging on the corners of painful memories, long buried. I pushed them back behind the wall in my mind and turned my gaze towards the third man, wondering which one of his gang members Sam had brought with him to the meeting.

With a start I realized that it was Jacob. He looked like he'd grown a foot and a half since I'd last seen him, barely three weeks ago. His face looked thinner, harder, and all his long hair was cut off, nearly shaved right down to his scalp. My eyes pricked in a way that was becoming familiar, and I bit my lip and reminded myself not to breathe. He didn't meet my gaze as we approached.

Had this been why he had been 'sick', why he had been avoiding me? And was this what Sam's gang had really been the whole time, a pack of _werewolves_? The surrealism of this moment only served to make my human memories seem all the less genuine. Could this really be the boy who had become my lifeline the past few months?

As I stared at him, my chest tightly clenched to remind myself not to breathe, I remembered the man on the beach who smelled like a wolf, as the pack had stopped chasing me. The man with dark eyes and cropped dark hair, wearing nothing but shorts, glowering at me across the miles of open water. Could _that_ have been Jacob? I shivered at the thought.

"Billy, thank you for meeting with us," Carlisle said when we stood in front of them, his hands hanging awkwardly at his sides in the absence of a handshake. "I hope you know how important the treaty is to our family."

Billy made a noncommittal sound, then turned slightly towards Sam and Jacob. "You know Sam Uley, I think. And this is my son Jacob, the newest member of the pack."

Jacob's gaze finally flickered to mine and then quickly away again, too fast for me to read the emotions swirling there.

"Things have changed a bit since my grandfather's day," Billy continued, leaning back in his chair. "Sam is the pack leader now – no wolf form for this old man – so any negotiations will have to go through him. I'm just here to pass the torch, and help out if I can."

Jacob's eyes lifted to mine again, dark and angry and tortured. I knew him well enough to read the intent in that look: Billy and Sam had come for the treaty, but Jacob had come for me. I swallowed hard.

"Of course," Carlisle nodded. "Very nice to meet you both. I think you all know Bella, and from what I understand, you know what happened to her, correct?"

"We saw it happen, yes," Sam said, his deep voice carrying an authority I had never noticed before. Jacob dropped his gaze again, in an almost submissive gesture; it set my teeth on edge.

"That's putting it lightly," I snapped, before I had thought through my words or the use of my limited air. Instantly four pairs of eyes focused on me.

"We tried to stop it," Jacob spat out, but Sam put up a hand to silence him.

"Perhaps we should clarify exactly what _did_ happen," he said, his eyes narrowing as he looked at me.

"We were worried about this sort of thing last year, Bella," Billy said, cutting through the tension and giving me a significant look. "But I thought we were past that."

"We were. Are," I corrected, shaking my head and reminding myself not to breathe. Whatever air I had left would have to be enough to get me through the conversation.

"That isn't what happened," Carlisle explained for me. "Bella did not seek this out, and the Cullen family was not involved in what occurred."

Jacob scowled. "But the one we tracked down and killed, the one that bit you – you knew him, didn't you, Bella?"

I nodded silently, my jaw clenched.

"His name was Laurent," Carlisle said, again filling in for me. "He and his coven came through Forks last spring. It was the other two members of his coven that chased Bella to Phoenix, and attacked her there. That is what really happened, when her father believed she had broken up with my son, and then fallen down a flight of stairs and through a window at our hotel," Carlisle seemed to be explaining this part specifically to Billy. "Laurent did not hunt Bella at the time, however. In fact, he came to our home to warn us about the other two."

"So that leech was a friend of yours?" Jacob snapped, looking at me.

I looked at Carlisle. There was no way I could explain what had taken place with the air I had left in my lungs. He met my gaze and nodded.

"It's unsafe for Bella to breathe while standing so near to you; she's still very new to this, and even standing this close shows far more restraint than is typical in newborns," Carlisle said to Billy, Sam, and Jacob. "She told us her story when she reached us in Denali, and I'll recount it to you best I can, given that Bella has a limited amount of air left with which to speak."

Jacob's eyes flickered from me to Carlisle and back again; he looked suspicious. I nodded at him almost imperceptivity, and the skin around his eyes relaxed slightly.

"Last Saturday, Bella went hiking alone in the woods—" Carlisle began.

"Why?" Jacob demanded, interrupting him.

I gave him a pointed look, hoping he would put the pieces together.

"Oh," he said a moment later, a guilty look flickering across his face, "you were using our map, weren't you?"

I nodded.

The other three men were not unaware of our exchange, but Carlisle continued without comment, relating the story of my last day as a human, complete and accurate except for the glaring omission of my hallucinations – impressive considering that he had heard the story from Jasper, who had in turn been told by Alice. Apparently the game of telephone didn't apply to vampires, I thought wryly.

As Carlisle continued the story, telling of my escape from the pack and my run through Canada, Sam's expression grew thoughtful. I tried to decide if that was a good sign or not.

Everyone was quiet for a moment after Carlisle finished, Jake's eyes once again finding mine, as though to confirm what Carlisle had said. I nodded slightly at him again, wondering if the others had noticed our wordless conversation.

"First of all," Sam started, breaking the silence. I clenched my jaw and resisted the urge to groan. "I want to make it clear that we were well within our rights to kill the one you call Laurent," he continued. "We witnessed him attacking a human on treaty land, which we will never tolerate.

"But," he said, holding up a hand as Carlisle started to interject, "as a nomadic vampire, he was not covered by the terms treaty, despite your acquaintance with him. His actions do not affect the standing of the treaty."

"I'm glad to hear that," Carlisle said, taking and then exhaling a large breath, making me more than a little jealous.

"Bella is another matter entirely," Sam said then, turning to me. "Do you intend on staying in Forks?"

Deciding to save my remaining air for more complicated questions, I merely nodded in response.

"And what about your father?" he asked.

I turned towards Carlisle, who once again answered for me. "Chief Swan believes Bella is with our family in Los Angeles," he said. "We would appreciate it if you did not disillusion him of that."

Sam nodded, his face thoughtful again but his eyebrows drawing together. "This is a situation not covered by the treaty," he said to Carlisle, as though he were the ultimate expert on the treaty – as though it had been him personally who had agreed to it with Carlisle, and not Jacob's great-grandfather. "Is a newborn vampire even capable of adhering to the terms? Can the tribe be expected to accept the increased risk?"

I scowled at Sam, my previous view of him as resident gang leader not improving, but I let Carlisle answer.

"As you can see, Bella has exceptional control for a newborn, and has already interacted with humans without incident," he said, a hint of steel under his smooth tone. "She won't be venturing into town, for Charlie's sake and the sake of those who knew her before. And she will have the support of the rest of the family. We won't let her stray."

"'The rest of the family'?" Sam repeated, his eyebrows raised. Beside him, Jacob's nostrils flared and the muscles in his shoulders tensed.

"Bella is part of the Cullen family," Carlisle said, his voice firm, before I could piece together the reason behind their reactions.

"You're invoking _that_ clause?" Sam asked, stunned, at the same moment Jacob snapped, "She _has_ a family!"

"You would send her home to her father in this condition?" Carlisle asked Jacob, the reproach clear in his tone. Then to Sam, "Yes, we're invoking that clause. She is and always will be part of the Cullen family."

"Her only tie to your 'family' was that bastard Edward who left her alone here – left her alone in the woods for _us_ to find!" Jacob snarled.

It felt like I had been punched in the gut. I had never heard Jacob say _his_ name, or mention that first night – it was an unspoken rule between us. The air I had been holding in whooshed out of my lungs and my knees buckled. I closed my eyes as the ground rushed up to meet me, hoping sincerely that I was fainting.

Too-warm arms caught me before I hit the ground, and then I was being cradled against a bare, scalding chest. I wanted to groan, but I was out of air and wasn't sure how smart it would be to breathe so close to Jacob.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice, maybe a foot from my ear, using his doctor tone. "Bella, can you hear me?"

"Don't touch her!" Jacob snapped, clutching me closer.

"Jacob, you do not want to do that," Carlisle said, a note of anxiety under his calm. "Bella has shown remarkable restraint, but she's still a newborn."

Jake's hold on me loosened slightly, but he didn't release me. My head slid down to rest against his shoulder.

"Bella?" Carlisle said again, "Nod if you can hear me."

For a moment I considered pretending I _had_ fainted, but realized I wouldn't be able to fool Carlisle – could vampires faint? – so I nodded, my eyes still closed. I felt his fingers on my face then, along the edge of my jaw, smooth and just slightly warm, compared to Jacob's soft, burning skin.

"What's wrong with her?" Jacob whispered. My stomach twisted at his tone.

"She lost a lot of blood when Laurent attacked her," Carlisle replied, his voice soft but still clinical. "It will take her a while to recover from that," he lied smoothly.

I fought the urge to sigh. I was going to have to talk to convince them that I was okay, to get them to stop hovering, but I couldn't take a breath without smelling Jacob, Sam, and Billy. The 'restraint' Carlisle had mentioned had been nothing more than carefully not breathing whenever humans were around. How was I supposed to breathe with them this close?

It occurred to me then that I had smelled Jacob and the rest of the pack before, when they had chased me north. They had smelled like animals, not like people at all. And I had seen Jacob – I was convinced now that it had been him – in his human form just before the pack turned back towards Forks, and he hadn't smelled human then, either. Billy would probably smell human, but maybe if all I could smell was Jacob, I could get a breath in without putting anyone in danger.

Part of my overly-broad mind was distinctly aware of the pulse at Jacob's neck and the wet sound of his heart beating, so I clenched my jaw closed, just in case. I turned my head towards Jacob just slightly, positioning my nose in the hollow beneath his ear, where I had seen him tuck his long hair away so many times. I locked all of my muscles in place, then took a deep breath in through my nose.

The Jacob-smell I remembered was still there, woodsy and musky, with faint scents of motor oil and the soap he used. Over that now was a distinctly animal aroma, more like the bear I had hunted with Emmett than like the human scent I had memorized from my own dried blood. And nearly overpowering both was a smell like wet dog, instantly silencing any appetite the other scents might have provoked.

It took the tiniest fraction of a second for me to move, take that breath, and analyze the smells. And then suddenly I was out of Jacob's arms and Carlisle was clutching me to his chest, to protect me or stop me from moving I couldn't tell. I blinked up at him, trying to piece together the movements that had just taken place, and then looked over at Jacob.

He was several feet away, Sam clutching at his upper arms and trying to position himself between Jacob and Carlisle and I. He cast a quick glance at the right side of Jacob's neck, where my head had just been, and then turned immediately back to us. Billy had turned his wheelchair towards Jacob and Sam, and looked anxious and slightly green.

"Did she…?" Sam growled, not taking his eyes off me. Carlisle's arms tightened around me.

"No, of course not!" Jacob snapped, trying to shrug out of his grasp. "Lay off, Sam."

Carlisle took a step backwards, pulling me along with him. "I'll take Bella back to the car…"

"I'm fine," I said, my voice sounding bewildered even to my own ears. "I just needed a breath, and it seemed safer to smell Jacob than risk catching Billy's scent." I shrugged, trying not to use all my hard-won air.

Carlisle looked at me sharply. "Bella, you could have hurt him."

I shook my head. "Jacob does not smell like food," I replied, using as little air as I could.

Jacob snorted, his face full of dark amusement. Sam and Billy looked repulsed.

"I know he doesn't smell appetizing," Carlisle said, shaking his head, "but our venom is very poisonous to them. The werewolf gene and the vampire mutation cannot exist together, so you must be very careful, do you understand?"

I nodded, my eyes wide.

Jacob had finally shrugged out of Sam's grasp, and they both stood watching us, Sam's expression thoughtful again and Jacob's thick with emotions I could not name.

"I believe you have made your point, Dr. Cullen," Sam said slowly, his eyes on my face. "Bella has shown more restraint than I would have thought possible. If she is willing to agree to the terms of the treaty, the pack is willing to consider her a Cullen—"

Jacob growled, deep in his throat, but Sam waved him off imperiously.

"—for purposes of the treaty," he finished, still watching me.

"I accept the terms," I said softly, constricting my diaphragm as little as possible.

"But we cannot allow any slips, not a single one," Sam added, taking half a step in my direction. "Any attempt to attack a human will be seen as a violation of the treaty."

"It won't be a problem," I snapped at full volume before my mind had decided to say anything. I clenched my jaw shut; I was out of air again. Sam narrowed his eyes but nodded.

"And what about your missing male?" he asked, addressing Carlisle but looking at me. I dropped my eyes, trying to hide my flinch of pain.

"He is still covered by the treaty," Carlisle replied, his voice even.

"Is he coming back?" Sam sounded like he was asking about the weather; my empty chest constricted.

Carlisle's answering smile was tight. "We would like a chance to discuss that as a family. Our movements have never been restricted by the treaty."

"Yes, about that," Sam said, sounding imperious again. "I think it would be best for all of us if we had a bit more communication on that front. You left without telling us, and if not for Bella, you might have returned without telling us as well. With your family gone, we have been patrolling the entire area, and I would hate for there to be a _misunderstanding_."

I watched as Carlisle's eyes narrowed, but a moment later he nodded. "That sounds reasonable," he said, though his tone was not quite friendly. "I think we all want to avoid any accidents. The rest of our family is on their way back to Forks as we speak. Obviously we may venture into Seattle from time to time, but I will keep you advised of any major moves. In return I would ask that you and your successors keep us up to date on any future changes in pack structure, as much as you are able."

Sam nodded as well, though I could tell his jaw was set.

"Are we agreed?" Carlisle asked, extending his hand.

Sam stared at Carlisle's hand for a long, tense moment, before taking it in his own and shaking it. "Agreed," he said grudgingly.

I wanted to sigh in relief but I had no air left, so I settled for letting my shoulders relax. Glancing away from Carlisle and Sam, I caught Jacob watching at me, a sad, self-mocking look on his face. I smiled slightly and waved at him across the tense few feet separating us, smiling more genuinely when he waved back.

With a whole new pain, it hit me suddenly that I might be saying goodbye to Jacob for the last time. He would still be just down the road in La Push, but the distance between us now seemed insurmountable. The things he had said to me the night we had gone to the movies – three weeks ago today, I realized – seemed like they were from a different lifetime. A lifetime where he had been human, and I had been human, and the most complicated thing in our lives was how he felt about me.

My eyes pricked and burned, and I wished I had the air in my lungs to tell him what he meant to me, or the control to take a breath without murdering his father in front of him. All I needed was a moment alone with him to say goodbye, but Billy had already turned back to his car, and Carlisle had started to edge down the road towards our car.

I sent Jake one last look, trying to communicate everything I couldn't say out loud, and then turned and followed Carlisle down the gravel track.

–o–

The drive back to Forks was a quiet one. Alice and Jasper had decided to run to the house, leaving me alone with Carlisle and my grief. My silent goodbye to Jake had hit me harder than I had expected, and my chest was shattered and tender. Filling it with the clean air of the car did no good, only serving to mock my pain with more pain.

"Did you know that I wrote a book on vampire physiology?" Carlisle asked out of the blue, breaking into my silent wallowing. "There are only two copies," he continued, "one in my study here in Forks and the other in Volterra. Aro used to tease me that I had literally written the only book on the topic," he laughed self-consciously. "But when it comes right down to it, I probably know more about the workings of our kind than anyone else. And Bella," he paused until I looked up and met his intense gaze. "I've never before seen a vampire collapse like you did."

I wondered if my laugh sounded as forced to him as it did to me. "Just my luck," I fake-chuckled, "my clumsiness followed me into this life."

Carlisle wasn't convinced for a moment. "It's happened before, hasn't it?" he asked gently.

I sighed and looked away. "Yeah, a couple of times now."

"What causes it, do you think?" he asked, equal parts professional curiosity and worried parent.

What causes it? This gaping wound in my chest causes it! Any mention of _his _name, any reminder of what I lost, of what this life _should_ have been.

I didn't say this out loud, unsure of how to put it into words and unwilling to let anyone into this darkest corner of my existence. My shoulders hunched forward and I hugged myself around the middle with one arm, laying the other hand on my ribs, over my silent heart. How could I explain it? The transformation hadn't healed me as it had healed the others. I had come through broken.

"Are you in pain?" Carlisle asked sharply, and distantly I realized that he had pulled the car to the side of the highway.

I nodded weakly as the hole yawned wider.

"Where?" he asked, engaging the parking brake and turning towards me.

I pressed my hand flat against my sternum, the stone surface unyielding under the pressure. "Here," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. In an odd way, it felt good to admit to the pain.

"Could the wolves have—?" he started to ask, but I shook my head.

"It wasn't the wolves. It always hurts." And always will, I added silently. Gathering my strength, I forced myself out of the hole I had dug and looked up at Carlisle; his golden eyes were bright with concern and sympathy. "It isn't physical," I added, looking away again.

He was still for a moment, and then reached out and squeezed my arm reassuringly. "I take back what I said," he whispered gently. "I have seen a case like yours before: Marcus, one of the Volturi elders. Though I hold out hope that you will find a happier resolution than he did."

I nodded, even though I didn't know the story he was referring to. Marcus was one of the tiny figures in the painting in Carlisle's study, but beyond that I couldn't seem to remember. Had he hurt like this, once? I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Let's get you home," Carlisle said then, as he released the parking brake and pulled back onto the highway.

_Home_. I knew he meant the big white house in the forest, but I couldn't seem to associate the word with it, or with any other place.

Where is home, when your heart is broken?


	10. Chapter 10: Unexpected

**Chapter 10 – Unexpected**

I stared, unblinking, as Carlisle and I drove down the winding lane towards the house. How many weeks had it been since I had come out here to see if the house was there at all, trying to trigger my hallucinations? Five weeks, six weeks? It had been overgrown, deserted, an empty shell that had once contained so many memories.

Looking out the car window, I almost couldn't place what month it was now, what year. Six weeks ago, the lane had been nearly completely overgrown. But now the greenery surrounding the narrow drive had returned to its previous state of carefully tended madness – wild enough to obscure the way to the Cullen home from the passing motorist, but trimmed enough that no stray limb would scratch the car.

"Time passes so oddly for us, Bella," Carlisle said softly, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Human lives pass quickly, and yet they are nothing compared to plant life. To look at this place you would think we had been gone a century. How Esme can stand to garden is beyond me – sprout and bloom and wilt, all in the blink of an eye." He shook his head, following my gaze out the window and yet seeing something other than what I saw. "It looks like Emmett has done one pass, but I'll have to do another in the morning."

"I was here," I murmured, surprised by my own voice, "six weeks ago, maybe. It did look like you had been gone a century."

Carlisle shot me a curious look, but before he could voice the question, we rounded the last bend in the drive. I braced myself for the sea of ferns that I had waded through during my last lonely visit, but was greeted by a much different sight. The ferns were almost completely gone, mowed down, along with the grass, to only a few inches high. The other two cars were pulled up in front of the house, doors standing open, their contents ready to be unloaded.

On the far side of the yard, Emmett was pushing a tank-like lawnmower across the few remaining ferns, unnecessarily shirtless in the waning March sunlight. When Carlisle pulled his sedan in beside the other cars, I caught a glimpse of Rosalie sitting on the porch, a stack of boxes forgotten at her side as she watched Emmett with undisguised appreciation. She looked up at us as we got out of the car, shooting me a quick smirk before turning back to Emmett. Carlisle raised an eyebrow, his expression amused, but didn't comment.

Esme came bustling out of the open front door, her hair wrapped up in a kerchief and a smudge of dust running almost comically along her left cheekbone. She darted over to us and greeted Carlisle with a quick peck, then turned to me and enveloped me in a warm hug.

"Welcome home, Bella," she whispered into my hair, squeezing me tighter.

I felt my stomach plummet, and I clung to Esme for a moment, waiting for the world to right itself. This wasn't _my_ home, this was _his _home. I had been so focused on ensuring that the Cullens could return to Forks – could, in fact, go on as though _I_ had never existed – that I hadn't even stopped to think what they would expect of me once the treaty was secured. Even when Carlisle had referred to 'home' during our drive here, I hadn't truly processed what he meant.

Esme released me with one last squeeze and turned back to the waiting cars, calling for Rosalie as she went.

"Oh, sorry," I heard Rose answer, the sound of her voice echoey and distant. "I got distracted. It just never gets old, you know?"

But what were my options? Return to Denali and try to fit myself into Tanya's exotic lifestyle? Roam the wilderness alone and hope that my shield was enough to keep me from one day cracking and killing a human?

I took a few tentative steps up onto the porch. Six weeks ago I hadn't even been able to get that far, I had been so scared of what I would see in the vacated house. That same fear surged through me now, twisting into some sort of sick fascination. I peeked through the open doorway into the house, as though the state the Cullens had left their home in five and a half months earlier could somehow predict how my life would unfold now.

The furniture was where I remembered it, uncovered and inviting, though I could see a pile of sheets behind one of the couches. The paintings that lined the walls were covered, but still in their places, like they had simply been waiting for their owners to inevitably return.

I inched closer, then froze in the doorway, unable to take another step further.

The last time I had been in this room was the night of my disastrous birthday party. In the nearly six months since then, my life had turned into a warped negative of what it had been.

With that last step, Edward's piano slid into my field of view, still sitting on its raised platform like nothing had ever happened. The last time I had seen it, Esme had been mopping my blood off the floor at its feet. Now it lay open, recently freed from its covering. And, because the universe had turned completely on its head, where I had once seen Edward sit so often, Jasper now stood, a look of intense concentration on his face.

Six months ago, he had been across the room at the foot of the stairs while I stood near the piano, opening my doomed birthday presents. Now he leaned over the giant instrument as though unaware that this was the exact spot where my life had ended.

As I watched, he reached toward the keyboard and played a note, frowning when it came out a bit sour. The hole in my chest cried out at the sound and I gripped the doorframe for support, remembering at the last moment to grip _gently_, so as not to leave finger marks on Esme's pristine molding.

Jasper's eyes shot up to my face as I wavered there in the doorway, and half a second later a delicate calm reached me. I was beginning to be able to discern different tones in the emotions Jasper created, and the melody he wove now seemed to recognize that things had been bad before, while firmly asserting that things were better now, and would be better in the future.

But how could everything be alright, now or ever? I stared at the piano's glossy black surface, my mind unwillingly replaying every fuzzy memory I had of the instrument, and felt sudden kinship with the elegant giant. _He_ had once appeared to love both of us, expressed devotion in word and action. And yet here we were, abandoned and forgotten, both hopelessly out of tune.

"Coming through," Rosalie said from behind me, her voice cutting into my thoughts.

I had only managed to turn my head slightly, still transfixed by the piano, when she spoke again:

"In or out, Bella, pick one."

That was the question, wasn't it? Did I want in on the life the Cullens were offering me? A life surrounded by people who loved me, but a life where I would be bombarded by reminders of Edward every minute of every day for the rest of eternity. Could I honestly reject this, reject them, regardless of my other options? When it came right down to it, where did I _want_ to be? In or out?

I felt my body move before I had made the conscious decision. My shoulders leaned forward and my foot lifted off the ground, and I scooted into the house and out of Rosalie's way. She brushed past me, four book boxes stacked precariously in her arms, and disappeared up the stairs. Carlisle entered a moment later carrying suitcases.

"There you are," Jasper said, looking up again and setting down a wrench-like tool I didn't recognize, as though he hadn't been aware of my presence for the past minute or more. "We were starting to get worried."

"Some of us were stuck taking the long way around," Carlisle reminded him with a smile, smoothly concealing our brief stop to talk. "The Mercedes isn't really equipped for off-roading."

"Right, sorry," Jasper said, grimacing. "I suppose I'm still on edge from the block on Alice's visions. Everything went well, then?"

"As well as could be expected," Carlisle sighed. "We've re-established the treaty with one new term on each side, and with Bella covered as a Cullen."

"Good," Jasper nodded, turning back to the piano. "As it should be." He picked up the wrench tool again and carefully adjusted one of the piano's pins. "What are the new terms? Alice and I were too far away to hear."

"We've agreed to advise them of any prolonged absences from the area, and they've agreed to keep us up to date on changes in pack structure – it seems leadership has passed to Sam Uley, rather than to Billy or Jacob Black. Did Alice's vision change at all?"

Jasper shook his head, trying out the note again. "She saw when you decided to start the car, but nothing before that. I think the theory that it's the wolves is a fairly solid one."

Carlisle nodded, his expression thoughtful. "Perhaps after more interactions we will be able to nail it down further," he mused.

Jasper laughed, a short, clipped sound. "I know it's only scientific curiosity, but I for one hope our interactions with the wolves are few and far between."

Carlisle acknowledged the other man's point with a rueful smile and a little nod, then turned to follow Esme as she flitted up the stairs.

I registered this conversation as barely more than background noise as I stood rooted to the spot I had stepped to in clearing the doorway for Rosalie. I couldn't stop staring at the piano, at Jasper's pale, scarred hands against the keys. The life I had imagined as a vampire – the fantasies I had created, set in this very house – couldn't be further from reality. In the last five and a half months my path had veered in ways I still couldn't completely comprehend, leading me to this looking-glass version of everything I had wanted.

Jasper glanced up at me again; I knew he couldn't help but be completely aware of everything I was feeling, but for once he didn't push my emotions.

"Never let an out of tune piano sit, Bella," he told me solemnly as he turned back to his work, though I couldn't tell if it was mock-seriousness. "It will only get worse."

I nodded dumbly, images of the life I had wished for and the life I had received clashing in my head. Clenching my teeth, I pushed everything back behind the wall. I would find my footing here, somehow. I had to.

"Alright Rose, I'm _done_!" Alice yelled from somewhere on the third floor, shattering the quiet of the house and making me jump slightly.

"Inside voices, please," Esme said quietly as she passed by the stairs, boxes stacked in her arms.

"Sorry Mom!" Alice shouted back. Esme just smiled and shook her head.

"Come on, that means you, too," Rosalie said, coming up behind me, the suitcase Alice had packed for me clutched in one hand. I nodded, my eyes wide.

"Is Alice mad at you?" I asked as we zipped up the stairs.

Rose shrugged. "I made her clear out our sewing room for you, and she disagrees with my reasoning."

"Oh, yes," Alice chimed in sarcastically as we reached the third floor and turned down the hallway towards her – and away from Edward's room, I noted thankfully. "Let's put Bella in the smallest bedroom with the smallest window. I don't know why I would have a problem with _that_."

I heard Rosalie grind her teeth together. "Some things are more important than window size," she said, gesturing me towards the open door next to Alice.

"You mean besides you always getting your way?" Alice asked with mock surprise, crossing her arms over her chest as I slipped past her into the room. "I hadn't realized!"

"She needs her own space," Rose hissed at her.

"She _had_ her own space," Alice hissed back. I winced, wondering if they had forgotten I could understand them now.

"You know what I mean!" Rosalie shot back.

"It's what _he_ would want."

"Screw him, I'm more concerned with what's best for Bella!"

"So am I!"

"It's great," I said quickly, turning back to face them. "Thank you so much." Alice looked like she was about to suggest an alternative, while Rosalie looked like the cat who caught the canary – I had to get away from them. Grabbing my suitcase from Rose I started backing into the room. "I'm just going to change and hang up my clothes. Thank you both, again."

"There are wooden hangers in the closet!" Alice called as I closed the door on them.

I sighed and slumped against the door, finally getting to really look at the room in question. It was smaller than many of the other rooms in the house, but still easily as large as my bedroom at Charlie's. The one small window Alice had mentioned was a cozy-looking window seat with a view of the front yard and the forest beyond it. There was a walk-in closet, a large armoire, a bookshelf, and a full-length mirror. Against the same wall as the window sat a delicate antique desk, which, from the looks of the dust patterns on its top, I guessed had recently been home to a sewing machine, and in the corner just to my left was what appeared to be an authentic Victorian fainting couch. I rolled my eyes at the irony, and made my way over to the closet, pulling my suitcase along behind me.

–o–

After nearly half an hour of hiding in my new room, I decided it was probably safe to face Alice and Rosalie again. I opened the door cautiously and stuck my head out into the hall, half afraid that one or the other of them would be silently waiting to pounce on me. Thankfully the hallway was clear, and I crept soundlessly down the stairs, listening for the others. Outside, the sun was setting behind the trees, but no one had bothered to turn on any lights.

The house was strangely quiet as I reached the first floor, though small noises here and there alerted me to the locations of the various Cullens. From the second floor landing I caught the steady scratch of a pen against paper from the direction of Carlisle's study, and in the living room Jasper sat on one of the newly uncovered sofas, reading the same small book he had been reading in Denali, utterly silent and still in the darkened room except for the occasional page turn. Light, quick footsteps sounded from the kitchen, and I headed in that direction, feeling an unusual sense of uneasiness in the dark, quiet house.

From the kitchen doorway I caught sight of Esme, who appeared to be cleaning every surface in the room simultaneously, as the last few rays of sunlight leaked through the glass wall at the back of the house.

"Hello sweetheart," she said, smiling up at me as she scrubbed one of the granite countertops. "Were you able to settle into your room alright?"

"Yes, thank you," I said, overwhelmed, not for the first time, by the easy way Esme accepted me into her life. "Can I help with anything here?" I asked. "Any of the cars still need unpacking?"

"Oh, don't worry about it, dear," she replied, kissing my cheek as she zipped past me on her way to the sink. "We're all done unpacking. We didn't take that much with us, after all."

I nodded, unable to find my voice. They hadn't taken much with them, because Forks had never meant much to them in the first place – one house among dozens they must own, a few years here, a few years there, _human lives pass so quickly…_

Esme was watching me as she rinsed out her scrub brush. "We had hoped to be able to return soon, is what I meant to say," she added softly.

Had they tried to convince Edward to change his mind, then? Did he think I would get over him that quickly? I couldn't make any sense of it, and I couldn't bring myself to ask.

"I think Alice said something about getting books together to help you with your GED," Esme continued, her voice brighter. "Why don't you two take over the dining room for now – I've already dusted and vacuumed in there, so I won't bother you at all. We've got to get you ready for college in the fall!"

The fading light did nothing to dim the sparkle in her eye, and I smiled in spite of myself. "Thank you, Esme," I whispered, then turned back for the living room and the dining room that lay just beyond it.

As I settled into one of the chairs that were pulled up to the large antique table, images of my dreamed-of life as a Cullen flitted through my mind against my will. My fantasies had been better lit, I noted ruefully, as I shoved everything back behind the wall of white noise in my head, before the depression could set in. It was becoming easier to shove things away, to close them off behind that wall – behind what had to be, I realized, a part of my mental shield.

Eleazar had said that I simply needed to find the psychic muscle used to control the shield and work to strengthen it. The memory shield seemed to be growing stronger just by using it, and in the sudden silence in my mind I found myself wondering about other parts of my shield. Would working one area of the shield help with other areas? I had learned to move only two parts of my shield so far, but maybe strengthening those would help me control the rest of it…

I shot a quick glance towards Jasper, still reading in the living room, and then wrestled my emotion shield into place, snapping it shut near my collar bone. Immediately I released it, then pulled it back down. It felt like stretching a rubber band, or pulling a knit hat down over my face. Push it up and my emotions could get through to Jasper. Pull it down and he couldn't feel them. On, off, on, off. I could almost feel the imaginary muscle working, becoming stronger. On, off, on, off. Could I learn to do this with other parts of my shield? Could I learn to open my whole mind up…?

On, off, on, off, on…

"Bella," Jasper called from the living room, not looking up from his book. "Stop doing that. It's _freakish_."

"Sorry," I replied sheepishly, and let the shield snap back open.

Alice flounced into the room then, a dozen or so books stacked precariously in her arms. "Okay," she said, dropping the books onto the table rather unceremoniously. "History first, Calculus later. For the GED you'll need to be able to answer questions about American history, so we'll start there." She fished out a pad of paper and a pen from under the pile of books and pulled up a chair next to me. "Your memory is so much better now, so this won't be studying so much as reading everything once," she said as she started outlining topics in her round, flowing script. "We'll start with pre-Columbus, then his arrival. Jamestown, early settlers, Salem witch trials…" She trailed off, quickly writing each topic on its own line, with names and page numbers of the books I should read for each. In a matter of seconds she had outlined several centuries of American history.

She paused for a moment, looking over her list. "That brings us to the Civil War. The test will probably be fairly basic, but Carlisle has a fantastic book on Abraham Lincoln that you really should read."

From across the room, Jasper muttered something under his breath that sounded a great deal like, "Damn Yanks."

"Something you want to add, sweetheart?" Alice asked without looking up, her voice dangerously innocent.

"No ma'am," he drawled, turning resolutely back to his book.

–o–

Alice and I spent the next half hour locating all the books I would need for my studies; most were in the pile she had created on the dining room table, but a couple had to be hunted for on the several dozen bookshelves that hid in nearly every corner of the large house. Esme found us while we were raiding Carlisle's library and let me know that she had dusted and vacuumed my room, and I convinced Alice to let me move the study session up there. Soon after, I was situated at the antique desk in my room, Alice's outline in front of me, stacks of books at my elbow, and the rain pattering softly against the window pane. It almost felt like home.

–o–

I was so wrapped up in Alice's lesson plan that I jumped slightly when Jasper slapped a small book down on top of my pile of papers. I hadn't heard him come in.

"What's this?" I asked, picking up the thin paperback gingerly. It wasn't the same book he had been reading earlier, I noted curiously.

"Morse Code manual," he replied, leaning against the desk. "Your light switch act earlier got me to thinking. How quickly can you turn your shield on and off?"

"I've been getting faster," I shrugged, flipping through the pages of the book carefully – everything had to be handled delicately now, but this book seemed especially fragile. To prove my point, I flickered my shield on and off as quickly as I could; it fluttered like humming bird wings.

Jasper nodded, projecting his approval onto me. "If you can do that at a consistent speed and in a pattern, we could have an interesting way to communicate. Here," he leaned over my shoulder and quickly turned to a page near the beginning of the book, "try this." He tapped his finger on the table, following the pattern of lines and dots printed in the book's faded ink.

I copied the pattern as best I could, imitating the staccato of the dots and the long holds of the lines as I turned my shield on and off.

"Good," he said, his approval intensifying. "Faster if you can, and watch the breaks between words."

I nodded absently, my too-broad mind already jumping to a new topic. "Is this first edition?" I asked, holding the book up and looking closer at the faded ink.

He shrugged, nonplussed. "True Morse Code hasn't changed. Why buy a new book?"

When my eye caught on the date in the front of the book, I very carefully closed it and set it on the desk. 1868. Jasper had handed me a book printed in _1868_.

His eyebrows drew together, and he reached over and flipped the book open to a new phrase. "Try this one," he said, pointing at it.

With my hands securely in my lap, I studied the series of lines and dots on the page, and then flickered my shield at him, replicating the pattern.

"Better," he said, nodding once. "Read through this and practice a bit and you should be able to send me entire sentences without even really thinking about it."

He closed the book and held it out to me. I stared at it apprehensively for a moment, then looked up at him. "You really don't have any other books on Morse Code?" I asked.

"What's wrong with this one?" he demanded, his eyebrows drawing together again.

"You mean besides the fact that it was published before nearly everyone I know was born? You can't give that to me, I'll break it!"

His forehead smoothed and the corner of his mouth turned up slightly. "Somehow I think this book will survive better than Alice's Vogue did," he said, still holding it out to me.

Sighing, I took it from him as gently as I could and opened again to the front of the tiny book. "Why does it say 'American Morse Code'?" I asked, reading the title page. "I thought Morse Code was international."

"It is now," Jasper replied, leaning against the edge of the desk again. "This is the original version. The Europeans apparently felt the need to tweak a few things, so we started calling ours American Morse Code and theirs International."

"Isn't the International standard… better, though?"

He snorted. "Only if you want to talk to the French."

"Oh, right, speaking of which," I said, my mind shifting gears again without my permission. "Alice told me that until I decide to learn a 'civilized' language, I'm supposed to talk to you about help with the foreign language portion of the GED."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Don't tell her I told you, but she's been fluent in Spanish since the 1950s. She just likes the French field trips better." He straightened and started for the door. "I have some books in Spanish that you can borrow, and I think Emmett still has his textbook from Forks High School. I'll bring them by in a bit. Until then, skip the History lesson and focus on Morse Code."

He nodded at me in the way that always made me think he should have a cowboy hat to tip while he called me 'ma'am', then slipped out the door and pulled it closed behind him.

–o–

I studiously kept my door closed all night, almost afraid of what I would find in the dark house, though I couldn't say which I feared more – the ghosts or the married couples. Around dawn I gathered up my study materials and moved to the coffee table in the living room, settling against the couch to read another chapter of Emmett's surprisingly worn copy of _Así Se Dice!_ Esme was out back, humming to herself as she planted rose bushes beneath the large glass wall. Alice and Jasper drifted into the living room about twenty minutes later and quietly claimed seats nearby, Alice reading from another fashion magazine while Jasper continued in the antique book he had been reading in Denali.

It was nearing nine o'clock when Alice made a disgusted noise and threw her magazine down onto the coffee table.

"What is it?" Jasper asked, his voice worried.

She shook her head and looked at me. "We're going to have visitors later today," she said, sounding annoyed. "One or more of the wolves are coming here. The whole day just disappeared!" She stood and started pacing, grumbling to herself.

"Do you know who's going to come by? Or why?" I asked, my forehead crinkling.

"I can't see _anything!_" she snapped. She sighed, stopped pacing, and squared her shoulders. Her face was smooth and blank for a moment, then she smiled. "We're going to go shopping in Seattle," she announced, holding her hand out to Jasper. "Try to have them out of here by sunset, okay Bella?"

–o–

Half an hour later, Carlisle, Emmett, and I waited on the porch, listening to the faint, far away sound of a car coming down the drive towards the house. We hadn't expected the wolves to drive, but this had to be the visitor Alice had seen – or rather, the cause of her lack of vision that implied that the wolves would be somehow involved in our day.

Emmett cocked his head to the side as the sound of the car grew slightly louder. "Whoever it is, they're driving your truck, Bella."

I looked up at him sharply. "Are you sure?"

He grinned. "I've never heard another engine like that. That's definitely your truck."

"But… I left my truck in the middle of the woods." I shook my head. I could hear the engine better now too, and Emmett was right: that had to be my truck barreling down the lane far too fast. It didn't make any sense.

The truck rounded the last bend in the drive then, shaking from the speed. I watched in disbelief as it careened to a stop about twenty yards from us, rocking on its springs. The engine cut, and then Jacob Black leapt from the cab. I blinked at him in surprise.

"Hey Bella!" he called, standing his ground beside the truck. "Dr. Cullen," he nodded at Carlisle, his tone not quite as friendly. His musky, wet-dog scent wafted to me over the distance separating us, cooling the ever-present burn in my throat and turning my stomach slightly.

"Uh, hi Jacob," I replied, trying to figure out what on earth he was doing here, and how he had gotten ahold of my truck.

Jacob's eyes flickered from me to Emmett, standing with his arms crossed over his chest just behind me.

"Oh, Jacob, this is Emmett," I said, remembering my manners. "Emmett, Jacob Black."

Emmett grinned his biggest, most frightening grin, showing all his teeth. "I'm Bella's scary big brother," he said, his voice half playful and half seriously threatening.

Jacob scowled.

"What can we do for you, Jacob?" Carlisle asked, cutting through the sudden tension.

Still scowling, Jacob glanced at Carlisle. "I wanted to return Bella's truck. I hid it for her last week, so Charlie wouldn't freak out. Figured she'd want it back."

The loose puzzle piece that had been tumbling around my head the past few days finally clicked into place. Charlie had bought my story about driving to Los Angeles because he hadn't found my truck abandoned in the woods, and he hadn't found it because Jake had been hiding it. "Wow, Jake, thank you."

Beside me, Carlisle nodded. "You saved Chief Swan a great deal of worry and heartache, I think." He paused, turning towards me; I nodded ever so slightly, answering his unspoken question. "We'll give you and Bella some time to catch up," he said, squeezing my shoulder. "Nice to see you again, Jacob."

"Likewise," Jacob replied, though his tone made me question his sincerity.

Carlisle smiled and nodded, then turned back towards the front door, motioning to Emmett as he disappeared inside the house.

Emmett hovered another moment after Carlisle had gone. "If he gives you any trouble, just holler and I'll come help," he said, his voice loud enough for Jacob to hear.

I rolled my eyes at him. "I'm sure I can handle myself."

"Oh I know you can, I just don't want to miss out on the fun!" He cracked his knuckles and gave Jacob one last side-long look. "See ya, Jake!" he said, then turned and stalked back into the house.

Jacob was still glaring in Emmett's general direction when I turned to cross the twenty yards between us, careful to keep my speed to a normal human pace.

"How serious was he?" Jacob asked as I neared, still scowling.

"Don't worry about Emmett, he's a good guy. I don't think any of the Cullens are particularly comfortable with this, and Emmett just wants to make sure I'm safe, that's all."

"Why wouldn't you be safe with me?" he demanded, looking offended.

"You mean besides the centuries of hate between my kind and yours?" I elbowed him playfully, suddenly feeling better than I had in weeks.

"Oh, sure, that," he replied, grinning. His grin was off, somehow, more bitter than I remembered it. I wondered if I was just catching details now that my human eyes had missed.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be able to talk," Jacob continued, following me as I climbed into the bed of the truck and sat down on the far wheel well.

"It's not like that, Jake," I sighed.

He perched on the edge of the truck beside me and raised an eyebrow.

"They aren't controlling," I explained. "They aren't forcing me to be here, and they wouldn't force me to stay away from you, no matter how dangerous they think you might be. They just want to help."

"Sure, sure, the only altruistic vampires in the world. But I meant _physically_ able, Bells. You seemed to be having a rough time of it yesterday."

I shrugged, looking away. "I haven't smelled a human close up, and I'm not really ready to test my resolve quite yet, and definitely not with Billy. It was safer just not to breathe at all."

"But I'm safe to smell?" he asked, his tone at once bitter and amused.

"You smell like a wet dog, Jacob," I said, rolling my eyes at him.

"And you smell like anti-freeze and cough syrup," he shot back. "It's gross."

I swatted at him and felt my mouth curve up into a smile. It was amazing to me that despite everything that had changed, the one thing that hadn't was Jake's ability to nearly heal the wound in my chest.

"So," I said, turning towards him. "You've had a busy three weeks."

He made a _hurmph_ noise and looked away, but I could tell that his jaw was set. "I spent the first two worried that we'd never be able to be friends again, with me being a werewolf and all – we can't tell anyone, Alpha's orders. And then I spent the last week worried that my best friend was now my mortal enemy." His mouth twisted up into the same bitter, mocking smile again, and I began to understand.

"But the treaty fixes everything," I said, my tone joking as I attempted, badly, to lift his spirits. "I get to know about you being a werewolf, and we can still be friends. So you were worrying over nothing."

"Sure, but I'm still a werewolf, and you're still a vampire."

"There are worse things," I replied, my voice low, as I looked back towards the house, across the recently shorn ferns.

Jacob shifted beside me, and the truck creaked beneath us. "What about you?" he asked, breaking the silence that wasn't as comfortable as it had once been. "You really ran all the way to Alaska?"

I snorted, the corner of my mouth curling up again. "Yes, and I bet you could now, too. Maybe even quicker than I did."

"I don't know, you're pretty fast," he said, his tone appreciative even as he confirmed my fears that he had been one of the wolves who had chased me into Canada.

"When Sam said you guys saw it happen…?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know, but realizing that Jacob might need to talk about it.

"Yeah," he replied quietly, looking at his hands. "We got there just a couple of seconds too late, the leech had already jumped at you. We couldn't do anything besides chase him down and kill him for it. We thought he'd killed you, but then your scent broke off separately… Sam convinced me there wasn't anything we could do to stop it, anyway."

Reaching over, I took his hand and squeezed it gently. My skin looked like snow compared to his, and for a moment I was afraid the heat radiating from him would melt me, like a snowman in the sun.

"I was the last to get there," Jacob continued. "Maybe if I had been a little bit faster, I might have been able…"

I shook my head. "It's not your fault, Jake, don't think like that. This was going to happen eventually, one way or another. At least this way the pack can't take issue with the Cullens over it."

"So you did want it to happen, then?" he asked, looking up at me, obviously trying to keep the accusation out of his voice and failing badly.

"Of course not," I said, pulling my hand back from the overwhelming heat of his. "Not like that, not when I was separated from the Cullens or anyone else who could help me. I'm still not sure I want this, but it's not really my choice now, is it?"

"But you got the Cullens back because of it," he pointed out, his tone still suspicious.

I nodded, looking away. "That was just a happy coincidence. I didn't think they would want me around, and I didn't go looking for them. I'm just glad to have someone to help me through this."

He was silent for a long moment. "Is _he_ coming back?" he asked, staring out across the yard, towards the woods to the west of the house.

I shook my head. "He doesn't know – about me, I mean. I don't even know where he is, really."

When he didn't speak again, I looked up at him. He was still staring across the yard, his eyes far away. "I could find him, you know," he said, his voice flat. "I'm good at tracking, the best in the pack. He couldn't hide from me for long, I'm sure of it."

His words made me oddly uncomfortable for a reason I couldn't quite name, but I resisted the urge to shift in my seat. "Thanks for the offer," I said, sounding anything but thankful, "but I don't think I'm ready to face him yet. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and where I fit, and if he came back…"

"I didn't mean I would bring him back," Jacob replied, turning to look at me with wide, serious eyes. "If you want me to, Bella, I'll find him and kill him for you, treaty be damned."

I stood so quickly that the truck swayed threateningly beneath my feet, as I gasped for unnecessary breaths. In the same fraction of a second, Jacob leapt away, landing with only the slightest thud on the far side of the bed, near the cab.

"Jeez, Bells, don't do that!" he spat, tremors shaking his tall frame.

But I couldn't spare a thought for how much I must have frightened him. "Don't _ever _say that, Jake, do you understand me? Don't even think it!"

He scowled at me as the tremors subsided. "I wouldn't get hurt. I've killed vampires before—"

"He doesn't deserve to die!" I cried, cutting him off. I could hear the sounds of someone, probably Emmett, moving around just inside the front door. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to sit down and face Jake calmly. "Look, I know you blame him," I said, taking another shaky breath, "but what happened wasn't his fault. It was mine. I knew I was never going to be enough, but I tried to hang on to him anyway. It was my fault," I added again, my voice barely a whisper.

Jacob crossed the truck and sat beside me, taking my small pale hand in his massive, burning one. "It could _never_ be your fault, Bella," he said, his voice quiet but intense. "You didn't do anything wrong. You loved someone who didn't love you back."

Flinching, I closed my eyes, holding onto his hand like a lifeline.

"And there's no wrong in that," he added softly.

I hung my head, wishing for tears. Despite everything that had changed, I had still somehow managed to lead him on. "I'm never going to be whole, Jake," I said, my voice close to breaking. "Before, there was the chance that maybe as the years passed, maybe it would get easier. But now… Years don't mean anything, now. I'm always going to feel like this." I hoped Jacob understood that I meant both my feelings for Edward and my feelings for him.

"I had a plan, you know," he said, after a moment. "Everything was going perfectly, and then we had to go and turn into monsters."

I laughed roughly and looked up at him. "Nothing is ever simple, is it?"

He watched me silently, his brown eyes bottomless. "You aren't going to go anywhere, are you?"

Shaking my head, I looked away from the intensity of his gaze. "I can't imagine leaving Forks. I'll be here as long as the Cullens let me stay. And even then – I'll be here as long as Sam allows it, I guess. I'll be haunting your grandchildren someday, I'm sure."

He snorted. "Not mine. Sam and Emily's, maybe, but I don't think you'll ever have to worry about my grandchildren, Bells."

I sighed, my shoulders slumping. "Jake, I'm not worth it. Don't give up your life for me."

He shrugged, the self-mocking smile back. "Neither of us is going anywhere, and we've got eternity to figure it out. As long as I keep shifting I won't age, so just don't go and do anything stupid. We'll figure it out."

Wishing I could feel half as confident as he seemed to, I nodded, and let myself relax against his shoulder.

–o–

When Alice and Jasper returned shortly after sunset, I was curled up on one of the living room sofas, reading the Spanish novel Jasper had loaned me and translating each sentence into Morse Code in my head as I went. Between the mental exercise and my wall of white noise, I had managed to contain all the memories and conflicting emotions that Jacob's visit had dredged up.

"I come bearing clothes!" Alice announced as she skipped into the living room, two shopping bags clasped in each hand. Behind her, Jasper was carrying several others.

"At some point, won't you run out of closet space?" I asked dryly, looking at her over the top of my book.

"Of course not," she sniffed, sitting down beside me. "But these are all for you, anyway, silly. Well, mostly for you," she added, smiling and winking at me.

"Alice," I groaned, sitting up and putting my book down. "You shouldn't have done that. I have money, I can buy my own clothes. You don't have to pay for me."

She waved me off with a flip of her hand. "Stop worrying about that. It isn't even real money," she said, as though that explained everything.

"What does _that_ mean?"

"It means she plays the stock market with enough success to keep us all well-dressed until the end of time," Jasper replied, as he crossed the room towards us and set another dozen or so shopping bags down on the floor nearby.

"Precisely," Alice said, beaming up at her husband. "And look on the bright side," she said, turning back to me and patting my knee, "at least you got out of actually shopping, right?"

"True," I allowed with a small smile. "Thank you."

"Thank your furry friends for that one," she shrugged.

"How did it go, anyway?" Jasper asked, perching on the armchair across from Alice and I, his face serious.

"Fine," I shrugged. "It was just Jacob, he wanted to return my truck. He hid it last week, so Charlie wouldn't find it and start searching for me in the woods."

"So no changes to the treaty, then?" Jasper asked, his eyebrows pulling together.

I shook my head. "Jake's a friend," I said evenly. "It was nice to see him."

"Good," Alice said with a nod. "But maybe see if you can get him to call ahead next time." She stood, gathering up the shopping bags. "Come on, I'll help you put all this away, and then I think it's high time we did something _fun_."

–o–

"So what exactly did you have in mind?" I asked Alice as we flitted down the stairs half an hour later, all my new clothing finally put away. The sheer number of pieces she had bought for me was staggering, to say nothing of the quality. Somehow Jasper had convinced her to stick mostly with jeans and comfortable shirts, though Alice maintained that she had picked out each item based on how happy I would be wearing it. Whatever the case, my closet now looked like Bella Swan: The Cullen Edition – higher quality, slightly more fashion-forward, but still me. I blocked out thoughts of what I had once _wanted _ that phrase to mean, and concentrated instead on the task at hand: making sure Alice's idea of 'fun' didn't get too out of hand.

"Well," she started, skipping over to where Jasper was again reading on one of the living room sofas. He had turned the lamps in the room on tonight, and the light glittered off the last bits of gold lettering on the front cover; I could just barely make out _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ against the frayed cloth. "You have that big vampire brain now," Alice continued, balancing on the arm of the sofa, next to Jasper, "but you haven't been able to use it for anything other than studying. I thought maybe you should take a break and learn something fun."

I shifted from foot to foot nervously. "Like what?" I asked.

"_Dancing_," she said, wiggling her slim eyebrows at me.

"I can't dance," I replied automatically, eyeing her with suspicion.

"Don't be ridiculous," Jasper interjected, putting his book down. "You're a vampire, you have perfect recall and complete control over your body, of course you can dance. Come on, I'll teach you."

Alice clapped her hands together in glee and jumped up, zipping over to Edward's piano on the far side of the room. Jasper followed at a more sedate pace, and from the look on his face I could tell he was keeping close tabs on my emotions. I fought the urge to snap my emotional shield back into place as I trailed along behind him.

"Hmmm," Alice hummed, pulling out the bench and sitting down at the piano. "Let's start with something easy." Her hands hovered over the keys for a fraction of a second, and then she played the opening notes to a song I instantly recognized from _The King and I_. As the energetic bass line kicked in, Jasper grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the piano.

"It's very simple," he said, following my gaze to our feet. "Three steps, then a half turn. Just follow my lead, I'll do the rest."

Alice cued us with the music, and away we went, spinning around the living room as though it was the most natural thing in the world. It was surprisingly easy – my feet went where I told them to and didn't trip over each other, and my body adjusted after each mistake, not making it again. I relaxed and let myself enjoy the moment, and before long Jasper was adding more complicated steps into the mix. Alice's laughter added a lilting soprano line to the up-tempo music flowing from her fingers as Jasper spun me around the living room, and I couldn't help but join her.

Between one beat and the next, Alice's fingers seemed to stumble, coming crashing down with too much force on all the wrong notes. As one, Jasper and I skidded to a halt and turned towards her, just in time to see her double over on the piano bench and gasp out, "_No!_"

Jasper was at her side in an instant, the dance lesson forgotten. "What is it Alice, what do you see?" he asked anxiously, kneeling down beside her.

"It's— he—" Alice stuttered, still hunched over the piano with a glazed look in her eyes.

And then, as suddenly as it began, whatever it was seemed to end. Alice straightened up and turned towards Jasper and I, breathing heavily but clear eyed. "It's nothing," she said, shaking her head. "He changed his mind."

"Who changed his mind, Alice?" Jasper prompted gently, but I already knew the answer.

"Tell me," I said, my voice flat, before Alice could dodge the question.

She exchanged a worried glance with Jasper. "It's nothing Bella, really. I get little flashes all the time."

"Not like this," I insisted. "Tell. Me."

She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap now. The echoes of our moments-ago music still clung to the corners of the room. "He had decided to come back to Forks, but he changed his mind."

I stared out the large back windows towards Esme's rose garden without really seeing it. "And that would have been a bad thing, I take it?" I asked, the hole in my chest constricting and my voice still flat. My mind was a buzz of white noise.

"Bella, he wasn't going to come _home_, he wasn't coming back for us. He was going to go to your window at Charlie's and…" She trailed off, and when she spoke next, her voice was soft and sad. "What he would have found there and what he would have done afterwards… Yes, it would have been a bad thing."

I was out the door before I had even processed my desire to leave. My body took me automatically to my truck, still beside the garage where Jacob had parked it before he left. I didn't stop, climbing into the cab and slamming the door behind me. Instantly I regretted it. The inside of the truck was awash with scents: the smell of the truck itself, musty and comfortable, Jacob's canine smell, and my own human scent. But beneath those, faded from time to only the barest hint, was a fragrance my mind instantly recognized as vampire. Not just vampire, but _Edward_. A trace of it on the steering wheel, and stronger across the back of the bench seat, where his arm had often rested – his scent, haunting me still.

I curled my knees into my chest as a sob escaped me, my eyes dry and burning. Just a few minutes ago, Edward had decided to come back to Forks, to come looking for _me_. I couldn't begin to imagine why. I couldn't wrap my brain around what he was thinking, or Alice's reaction – and somehow the knowledge that he had been thinking about me was a frail comfort. He wasn't coming back, and if he did, I had Alice's promise that it wouldn't end well.

What I had told Jacob was the truth: I wasn't ready to face Edward. And yet… If Alice had announced that he was coming home, I knew I wouldn't have had the strength to leave. Even now, though the smell of him made my chest ache and pulse, I couldn't tear myself away. I dropped my head onto my knees and cried, the raindrops pattering on the roof of the truck a pale shadow of my missing tears.

I deserved every ghost this world could throw at me.

–o–

Nearly an hour later, I crept around the perimeter of the house and in through the kitchen door, bracing myself for the onslaught of worried family and hoping against hope that I would be able to make it up to my room before anyone cornered me. As soon as I was through the door, I could hear voices coming from the living room. I paused to listen, easily picking out Alice's voice as she spoke quickly – and angrily:

"We've been waiting for Bella to tell us she's ready, and she hasn't. It was up to her to begin with, and we can't just—"

"Have you _seen_ her?" Rosalie cut in, her tone scathing. "She isn't exactly enjoying the situation. For someone who claims to be her best friend, you can be awfully blind, Alice."

I froze, clamping down my emotional shield without really thinking about it. They were discussing me, and this time I wanted to be able to hear the whole conversation. I moved as silently as I could, perching near the doorway to the living room and listening carefully.

"I don't understand what the big deal is," Emmett was saying, sounding confused. "Why can't we just call him and tell him to come home?"

The hole in my chest twisted painfully, and I stopped breathing.

"Emmett, dear, it isn't that simple," Esme replied.

"Why not?" Rosalie asked. "His reasons for leaving were ridiculous and now—"

"Eavesdropping again?" Jasper whispered in my ear, suddenly close behind me. Somehow I managed not to jump.

"We have to handle this _delicately_," I heard Alice say from the other room as I glanced guiltily up at Jasper, slowly releasing my emotional shield. "If we just call and tell him, 'Bella's a vampire, everything's great, come home!' how do you think he's going to react? He'll blame himself and beat himself up for the next half century at least."

"As much as I wish it wasn't true," Carlisle said slowly, "I think Alice has the right of this. Edward would blame himself for Bella's transformation, for not being there to stop it."

"Don't you think it _is_ at least a little bit his fault?" Rose asked. "This wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left. I know it was Bella's call but—"

"None of us could see that at the time, not even me," Alice argued, interrupting Rosalie. "We had always been the biggest danger in Bella's life, so how could she or Edward have anticipated that changing?"

"I still think Edward needs to get back here and atone for what he's done. And that means calling him," Rosalie replied.

Sighing, Jasper grasped my elbow and steered me into the living room; everyone looked up at us as we entered.

"Bella should have a say in this, don't you think?" he asked, his voice quiet but firm.

"Of course," Rose snapped, glaring at Jasper. "I wasn't suggesting it wasn't Bella's choice, just voicing my opinion." She tossed her curls, still scowling.

Jasper merely raised an eyebrow as he deposited me on the couch between Esme and Carlisle, then crossed to where Alice was curled up in one of the armchairs, balancing himself on the arm and watching me carefully. I resisted the urge to pull my emotional shield down again.

"Bella dear, we didn't mean to leave you out of the discussion," Esme said, stroking my hair. "The topic has been on our minds, as I'm sure you can understand. We need to decide, as a _family_, how to best set things right. The question right now is whether or not calling him is the best first step."

I looked from Jasper to Esme, and then around at Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Carlisle, trying to make their words fit into my suddenly too-small consciousness. "Why would calling him fix anything?" I blurted out before my brain could catch up to my mouth.

"It will only 'fix' things if _you_ want it to, Bella," Rosalie reminded me. "But personally I think he should get back here and start groveling," she sniffed.

I shook my head, the pulsing of my wound starting to pick up tempo. "Nothing has changed," I ground out, closing my eyes and bracing my arms on either side of me to keep from slumping forward as the memory came rushing back. "He didn't want me then, why would he want me now?" The truth tumbled out of my mouth at last, unhindered by everything I had tried to do to stop it.

_"You… don't… want me?"_

_"No."_

I fought against the memory, against the cold walls of the woods closing in on me, scrambling to push it back, to rebuild my defenses before the sorrow swallowed me whole…

There was no sound. I blinked around at the Cullens, echoes of Edward's voice still bouncing around my head. Everyone was staring at me. Had I said something? Had I—

"_What did he do to you?_" Jasper asked suddenly, his voice strangled. I looked at him, uncomprehending. Jasper was angry. Jasper was _murderously_ angry. My brain couldn't quite put the pieces together. "What did he say to you to make you feel like this?" he demanded, eyes blazing.

It was Carlisle who caught me as I tipped forward off the couch, his arms sure around me as he gently pressed me back into Esme's side.

How could they not know? They had left with him, he had to have told them _something_.

"_They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."_

_"Alice is gone?"_

_"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."_

I couldn't breathe, couldn't open my eyes, couldn't seem to keep a grip on the present as the past yawned wide to claim me.

I was in the woods. Edward was gone. My chest was a crater.

Hands on my face. "Bella?"

Sam Uley. Sam had found me – again or for the first time, I didn't know. I had always been in these woods, chasing Edward. I always would be.

But it was not Sam's face that greeted me when I pried my eyelids back. Blond curls. Warm butterscotch. Crescent scar over his right eyebrow, crinkling as he furrowed his forehead.

Jasper.

Emotions filled me – comfort and home, and others I had no words for. Love.

"Bella, do you remember what we tried earlier? Can you use it now?"

On, off, on, off. Morse Code patterns. I flickered my shield at him, _I remember_.

"Good," he said, his large hands still cupping my face. He was crouched in front of me, Esme was on my left, her arms wrapped around me protectively. Carlisle was on my right, Emmett and my sisters hovered behind Jasper…

"Tell me what he said to you," Jasper commanded, his voice soft.

_No_, I flickered at him. Edward said no, no he didn't want me, no he didn't love me, no he wouldn't come back, no…

"Help us understand, Bella." The emotions intensified, working to fill the hole in my chest, reminding me that I wasn't alone.

_Help me_, I pleaded with him silently.

"I won't let you fall," he whispered back.

Closing my eyes, I dropped the wall, letting the memory come. I repeated every word of that last conversation, never making a sound. But Jasper understood.

When I was done, he nodded, his face grim even as he increased the intensity of the emotions he was pouring into me. I pulled the shield in my mind back into place and allowed Jasper's emotional music to swaddle me, allowed Esme to pull me against her shoulder and cradle me.

"Edward lied to us," Jasper said, turning to face the others.

Rosalie snorted. "Are we surprised at that? Really?"

"Rose," Esme admonished softly.

She shook her head. "What did he say to her?" she demanded of Jasper.

Between long, slow blinks, I saw Alice reach out and take her husband's hand. "Jazz, please," she said, her voice stricken. "What did he tell her?"

"He said he didn't want her," Jasper replied, his voice hollow. I crawled further into my mental cocoon, trying to shut out his words. "He convinced her it was over, that he would never come back."

"No," Esme breathed beside me, my head moving in time with her sharp exhale.

"I should have guessed it sooner, the way she's been feeling," Jasper said, his mouth set into a firm line.

"He said it was Bella's decision," Esme argued, her voice desperate. She clutched me closer to her side, as though afraid I would disappear at any moment. "He said Bella realized how much danger she was putting herself in, being near us, and that if anything happened to her it would kill her parents. It was her choice!"

"He lied," Jasper repeated harshly.

_Not to me_, I reminded him silently. I couldn't wrap my mind around why he had lied to his family – why not just tell them the truth, that he was bored with me? But he had told me the truth, the horrible truth that I never had been, never would be enough.

"No, Bella," Jasper said softly, turning back to me. "He lied to you most of all. He lied to protect you, I think, but he can't hide how he feels about you, certainly not from me. He lied so you would let him go."

I stared at him, unable to grasp what he was saying. That simply wasn't the way the world worked. People didn't go around lying about not loving someone so they could protect them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force the pieces together. Edward couldn't have lied about that, it wasn't possible.

_Could you say those things to Alice?_ I asked him. _Even to save her life, could you tell her you don't love her?_

Jasper's face blanched, but he didn't move.

_He didn't lie_, I insisted silently. _Someday you will understand. Someday Edward will come back and then you will see for yourself that he didn't lie to me._

"Bella…" Jasper sighed, some of his own sorrow and hopelessness seeping into mine.

"Someday," I whispered out loud, and let my eyes drift shut.


	11. Chapter 11: The Best Laid Plans

**Chapter 11 – The Best Laid Plans**

The growl emanating from Rosalie startled me out of my protective cocoon. "That _bastard!_" she snarled, leaping off the couch in one graceful bound and storming towards the small table just inside the front door, her beautiful face distorted by anger.

"Rose, dear, let's not do anything rash. Please, try to think of Bella," Esme said, pulling me tighter into her side.

"I _am_ thinking about Bella," Rose snapped, roughly yanking open one of the table's drawers. She started snatching items out of the drawer and slapping them down onto the table top. From within my fog, I was mildly surprised she hadn't broken anything yet. "I'm not going to let him get away with this," she muttered angrily, sorting through a pile of IDs and pulling out several.

"Rosalie," Jasper said, taking a step towards her, his hands held up. "Just take a breath, this isn't about—"

"_Look_ at her!" she said, cutting him off. "Really look at her. Who does that remind you of?"

The room went silent, and I felt Esme exchange a worried glance with Carlisle over the top of my head.

"He lied to her, betrayed her, abandoned her, and left her to die," Rosalie continued. "And I am _not_ going to let him get away with it. I'm going to bring him home and make him face what he's done."

Somewhere deep inside, buried beneath all my walls and stifled by the emotional blanket Jasper had woven for me, I wanted to argue with her, to tell her not to go, not to disrupt the family further on my account. But I couldn't seem to find the will to speak.

"Rosalie, please, we need to talk about this," Carlisle said from his seat on my right. His voice sounded sad and tired.

"I'm sorry, I can't," she said, shaking her head and gathering up the IDs and credit cards she had laid on the table. "I can't just sit here and talk, I have to _do_ something. I'm sorry, Bella," she added quietly, then slipped out the front door and closed it behind her.

Emmett stood, shrugging. "I'll go with her, keep her from doing anything too crazy. But I can't say I disagree with her," he said, then followed Rose out the door.

The room suddenly felt too big, with just the five of us left, and everyone was silent for a long moment. Finally, Carlisle sighed. "Alice?" he asked.

She looked up at him, her tiny face sad, and I watched as her eyes unfocused and refocused quickly. She shrugged and shook her head, then looked away again.

"And yet I have to try anyway," Carlisle said, standing, his tone at once resigned and rueful. "Esme, would you do me the honor?"

"Of course, my love," she replied softly. "Bella, will you be alright for a few minutes?" she asked me. I nodded in response and shifted away from her slightly so she could stand. Together she and Carlisle climbed the stairs silently, hand in hand. A moment later I heard the door to Carlisle's office close. The living room grew exponentially.

Alice stood and crossed the room slowly, coming to sit beside me on the couch. I wanted to ask her what Carlisle intended to do, but I couldn't seem to find my voice.

"They're going to call Edward," she said quietly, answering the question I wanted to ask, and curled into my side with her head on my shoulder. "Don't worry, he won't answer. Carlisle just wants to make the effort, again. I didn't tell you before, because I thought it would upset you, but he never answers our calls."

"What was all that talk about calling him earlier, then?" I whispered, resting my head on top of hers. My throat felt dry, though I couldn't decide if it was because I needed to hunt, or because of the emotional marathon I had just run.

"We would have to do something to get him to call us back," she clarified. "The question was if we should try to contact him at all, or wait for you to tell us you were ready." She sighed, her thin frame shuddering. "I've made a terrible mess of this," she whispered, hiding against my shoulder; out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper circle around behind us in a slow arc, and I could feel the calmness seeping out of him. "I was so distracted after your birthday, I missed what he planned – I missed the obvious. And his lie was not only believable, it was also just the right kind of _hurtful_ to make me not question it."

I flinched. _Just the right kind of hurtful. _ I pushed the thought away.

"He told me you wanted a clean break – from me, from all of us," she continued, her voice muffled against the fabric of my sweater.

"He told me he convinced you a clean break would be best for me," I whispered in reply. Somehow it was comforting to know that Edward had lied about why Alice hadn't said goodbye.

She made a strange little hiccupping noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "He made me promise not to contact you, not to look for your future, to give you space. When you showed up in Denali I was _so_ happy to see you, so thrilled that you had changed your mind, that you wanted to be friends again. I thought you blamed me for what happened…"

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pulling her close to me. "It isn't your fault, Alice," I whispered back. The love and support flowing out of Jasper was like a physical presence. "And the last thing I ever wanted was to be separated from you."

She hugged me back fiercely. Outside, the sun was rising behind the clouds. I wondered where the night had gone.

–o–

Rosalie and Emmett returned shortly before noon, going straight into the garage. Emmett left again soon after, but from the noises coming from the garage I could tell Rosalie was working on something. Carlisle and Esme had retired to their room after their failed attempt to call Edward, and Jasper had taken over comforting Alice when I had run out of ways to tell her she wasn't to blame, so I was feeling decidedly useless when I finally ventured out to the garage to see what Rosalie's version of _doing something_ had turned out to be.

To my unending surprise, I found her lying on the floor, half under my truck. She was wearing coveralls but no shoes, the bright red of her toenail polish making the truck look even more faded and rusty than usual.

"What are you doing to my truck?" I blurted out, more than a little alarmed.

She slid out from under the carriage, a bland look on her oil-smudged face. "I'm fixing it," she said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I blinked at her, dumbfounded. "But isn't that the engine? Over there on the floor?" I asked, pointing.

"Wow Bella, I wouldn't have pegged you for a girl who could identify an engine block," she said, grabbing a wrench from her toolbox and sliding back under the truck.

"How can it be fixed without an engine?"

"That hunk of scrap metal can hardly be called an _engine_. By fixing it, I meant I replaced the engine with a 383. Duh." She slid out from under the truck again, sitting up to wipe her hands on a rag. "I had half a mind to take the engine out of Edward's Aston Martin and put it in the truck," she continued, "and stash that piece of junk under the hood of the Martin. Would serve him right. But it would be such an insult to the car itself I couldn't bring myself to do it."

I shook my head, amazed again at Rosalie's new attitude towards me. "What's that?" I asked, nodding towards what looked like an old painter's van parked haphazardly behind my truck.

"That," Rosalie said, already sounding proud of herself, "is our kidnap-mobile. I'm completely rebuilding it, put a 383 in it as well. I sent Emmett out for a few parts I'm missing, but once I'm done it's going to be great. Not much to look at, I admit, but we'll blend in better that way."

"Kidnap-mobile?" I repeated, my stomach clenching. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"You really think he's just going to come back on his own?" she asked, giving me a piercing look. "Maybe Carlisle or Alice will be able to talk him into coming home, but just in case – kidnapping is always a good backup plan."

"You mean… Go _get_ him?" I whispered, the words sticking in my throat.

She shrugged. "Emmett thinks if we can get him to answer his phone, we can use the signal to figure out where he is. So if he won't come home on his own, we'll go to him and _make_ him come home. I meant what I said – he needs to get back here and face what he's done."

"And then what?" I breathed, the chasm of my chest echoing hollowly.

"And then… That's up to you." She shook her head almost angrily, staring off into a far corner of the garage. "Look," she said suddenly, sighing and toying with a wrench. She didn't meet my eyes as she spoke. "You know that all I want is to track him down and kick his butt for the next decade, right? But Emmett keeps reminding me that you _aren't_ me, and Emmett is usually right." She sighed again.

"I killed them, you know," she continued a moment later, her voice quiet. "My fiancé and his friends, the men who attacked me. They're the only humans I've ever killed, and I think it's the one thing that let me get over him, get over what he did to me. And I can't help but think violence would help you, too."

She stood and paced away, wiping her hands on the rag again, more for something to do than out of necessity.

"I'm going to bring him back, for you and Emmett and Esme and Carlisle," she said then, staring out the open garage door into the steady drizzle. "But if you say no butt kicking, then I can respect that, no butt kicking. But just say the word, Bella."

"I don't want to hurt him," I said slowly, not quite sure how to respond.

Rosalie's mouth set into a tight line, and I could tell she disagreed with me. "Do you love him?" she asked.

My answer was immediate, but I couldn't find a way past the pain to say it out loud. I opened my mouth but no sound came.

"Don't think about it," she said, mistaking my silence for indecision. "Don't think about before, or what it would be like if he was here. Just right now, right this instant, do you love him?"

"Yes," I whispered, wrapping my arms around my chest.

She watched me for a long moment before nodding. "Then it's worth it. Whatever it takes to get him back here, however much it hurts, it's worth it."

–o–

After my conversations with Alice and Rosalie, I practically had to physically drag myself back into the house. The living room was empty – cavernous and huge and everything I had feared it would be when I couldn't bring myself to look in the window six weeks ago – as Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper carried out their mourning and comforting in private. I fled to my room, Rosalie's words still ringing in my ears, but at the top of the stairs I somehow turned right instead of left, my feet taking my unwilling body to the closed door at the end of the hall.

I stopped just outside, my fingertips grazing the doorframe. I knew the room beyond the door better than any other room in the house, though in my mind's eye it was blurry and indistinct, like a watercolor painting left out in the rain, gold carpet and black sofa and huge windows bleeding into each other.

What would it look like, if I just turned the door handle and pushed? What details had I never noticed before, or forgotten across five and a half months and my own death? How had he left the room, when he left? As messy and lived-in as always, or in careful neatness, as he'd been with me that last week? Did he box his things up for Esme? Was there anything worth taking with him, when neither I nor his family could tie him to this place?

Some part of my mind, I realized, believed that he was really just beyond the door, locked away like a time capsule. If I opened the door he would be there, stretched out on the sofa, listening to music and scribbling in a journal. He would smile at me as I walked in, like nothing had ever happened, like my life hadn't fallen apart. If I opened the door I could step through and it would be six months ago, and he would love me again. If I just opened the door…

The metal of the door handle under my palm shocked me out of my thoughts. I turned on my heel and fled back down the hallway to the safety of my own room.

–o–

The house seemed to come alive again when Emmett returned, his presence drawing us each out of our private pains and silently reminding us that the strength of a family is in each other. But even as we gathered, seven vampires trickling in from various corners of the house, the living room felt too big to me – too wide, and the faces too few and too somber. The others must have felt it as well, because Jasper calmly led us into the dining room before announcing it was time to devise a plan.

"A plan?" Esme repeated, the fragile hope on her face making my stomach twist.

"Given what Bella told us last night," Jasper said, and even without the way his gaze flickered quickly to mine and away again, I knew he was monitoring my emotions closely, "I think we can all agree that simply calling Edward, or convincing him to call us, isn't going to solve the problem. Nor is he likely to attempt to fix this on his own. Which leaves us with only one option: bringing him home by force."

Carlisle's golden eyes looked up from the table top finally. "There must be another option," he said softly, his words heavy with heartbreak. "We must at least give him the chance to right this himself."

"We'll give him the chance," Emmett said before Jasper could reply. "But in the off-case he _doesn't_ do right by Bella, we'll have a plan ready to execute." Emmett's tone was mild, almost his normal joking self, but the threatening undercurrent in his voice sent a shiver down my spine.

"What do you propose?" Carlisle asked, sighing.

Emmett shrugged nonchalantly. "If we can get him on the phone, I can track his cell phone signal and figure out where he is – at least down to the city, give us an idea of which haystack to look in. Rose and I bought a van this morning, so if Edward won't come home on his own, we take the van to wherever he is, ambush him, stick him in the van, and bring him home. Easy." He shrugged again.

Everyone was silent for a long moment. "And if he chooses to come home of his own accord?" Esme asked softly.

"Then I'll be first in line to drive you to the airport to pick him up," Emmett replied, smiling at her fondly.

"How will we get him to answer his phone?" Carlisle asked, his voice still subdued.

"I might be able to get a good enough trace if he listens to his voice mail," Emmett said. "If not, I figured Alice might be able to see what we should do to get him to call us."

In the seat to my left, Alice sighed. "I'll have to try several scenarios, figure out what message to leave to get him to call us," she said, a shadow of her normal exuberant self.

I could feel myself folding inward, tensing and trying to become smaller, and I kept my emotional shield open by willpower alone. I had done so much damage to this family, so much disrupted on my account.

"We need to do as much planning and preparation as possible before we call him," Jasper said, drawing attention back to himself in the easy way of a born leader. "Once we have the trace on his location, we'll need to move relatively quickly, so we don't lose his trail. Rosalie, how long will the van take to complete?"

On my other side, Rose shrugged. "I need to completely rebuild it – what's in there is crap. But I have all the pieces now, so it's just an issue of putting it all together. I could be done by late tomorrow, if Emmett helps me and we work straight through."

"Of course, babe," Emmett grinned at her, squeezing her knee, his expression at odds with our treacherous plans.

"But even once it's done," she added, "We're not going to want to use it for long distance travel. So unless he's been hiding here in Washington the whole time, we're probably going to want to transport the van closer to wherever he is."

_Wherever he is_. I swallowed the thought in white noise, my arms coming up to wrap around my chest automatically.

Across the table, Jasper was nodding. "Esme?" he asked, turning towards her.

She looked up at him, her face paler than normal. "My pilots license is still valid," she said in a small voice. "I could arrange for a cargo plane, I would just need the weight of the van and our destination." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "There must be another way," she said, her eyes still closed. "I can't believe we're seriously considering _kidnapping_ him."

Carlisle took her hand as Jasper touched her shoulder gently. "If there was any other way," Jasper said, "anything else we could do to bring him home and right this mess, we would do it in a heartbeat. But he's left us no choice."

_No choice, no way to right this._ I shook my head and added another layer to my mental defenses, all the while fighting to stay connected to the present. The tendons in my arms felt like tightly coiled springs.

"The missing piece still seems to be: exactly where are we going?" Rosalie said after a moment. "Alice, can you give us a rough idea—"

"No," Alice cut her off, shaking her head and pinching the bridge of her nose in a gesture that reminded me intensely of her brother.

Rosalie's expression grew haughty, her upper lip curling slightly. "But you had a vision just last night!" she protested. "Can't you see—"

"I saw him _here_," Alice interrupted her again. "I saw him come to Forks, I didn't see a thing about where he is _now._"

"But—"

"I can't see what came before, only what comes next!" Alice snapped, finally losing her cool. "He's in an attic, I have no idea where, and he has no intention of moving anytime soon, so I can't get any read on where he is!"

A dull roar filled my ears, drowning out Rosalie's snarled response, Jasper's impassioned defense of one point or another, Carlisle's attempt to bring some sort of order to our suddenly chaotic family.

I couldn't listen to this anymore. I wanted to put my hands over my ears and sing at the top of my voice. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to break something.

The others were caught up in the conversation, even Carlisle and Esme joining in as Rosalie and Alice leaned over the table, waving their arms as they said things I refused to make any sense out of. Everyone except Emmett. Emmett had leaned his chair against the wall, balancing on the back two legs as he listened with a detached look on his face.

"Emmett," I whispered, my voice harsh and desperate. He looked up at me; no one else seemed to notice. "I need to break something, very badly. Get me out of here."

The corner of his mouth twitched but he stood from his chair with a silence and grace that still surprised me. We were out the back door before anyone noticed.

Outside, I stood rigidly, my hands balling into fists and then opening into claws repeatedly. Every fiber in my body was tight, every nerve ending sang with a tension that I knew could only be released by violence. _I can't help but think violence would help you, too._

Emmett gave me an appraising look, then looked out across the river. "See that tree there?" he asked, pointing. "The fir with all the crows in it?"

I looked and picked out the tree he meant. It was average height, blending into the forest behind it easily. There seemed to be a fairly open path between us and it. I nodded.

"Race me there," he said. His tone was casual, mild, as though he was completely unaffected by the tableau we had left behind in the house.

"Running, you mean?" I asked, my forehead crinkling.

"Yeah. Just run full out at the tree. You can jump over the river if you want. Don't go easy on me, I'm not going to hold back," he grinned.

I shrugged, feeling the tension in my muscles begging to be let out. "Just say when." I dropped into a crouch and Emmett followed suit.

He looked at me for one long moment, his grin wide and his eyes sparkling. "When," he said finally.

I took off as fast as I could manage, using all the pent up emotion to propel me forward. I reached the river in less than a second, and vaulted over to the other side in one smooth leap that would have surprised me, if I'd given it any thought. I landed easily on the other side and was running again instantly, the tree set firmly in the center of my vision. The crows cawed angrily at my approach and exploded into the air just as I reached the tree, angling slightly to the left of it. I reached out my right arm and swung myself around the tree and to a halt, hearing a satisfying crack emanate from the trunk.

Glancing around to see if Emmett had beaten me, I finally spotted him fifty yards away still, running straight at me. I jumped to the side lightly just as Emmett plowed into the tree at full speed. Another crack echoed through the forest, and as Emmett took two steps back, light on his feet like a prize fighter, the tree swayed, and then fell away from us into the forest, landing with another satisfying crash.

I laughed suddenly, a loud bark of a laugh, at the absurdity of it all. Emmett laughed his booming laugh and punched me on the shoulder, which neither hurt nor unbalanced me.

"Throwing boulders into cliff faces is more satisfying, but you really have to wait for a thunderstorm for that. But a tree falling in the forest…" He shrugged. "Too many and we'll upset Esme, but one here and there won't hurt." He gave me an appreciative look then. "You've definitely got some speed in you, baby sister. Enjoy that newborn strength while you can," he grinned, "and we'll have to try this again in a few years."

I grinned back at him in spite of myself, in spite of everything. I liked his new nickname for me more than I would ever, ever let on.

Emmett turned towards the north, still smiling, and lifted his nose to sniff the breeze. "The others can handle things without us a bit longer. While we're out here, let's grab lunch, shall we?"

–o–

When Emmett and I returned to the house an hour later, dirty but full, the others were still gathered around the dining room table, though they sounded significantly calmer than before. Emmett left his muddy boots in the kitchen and padded into the dining room, but I slipped upstairs for a change of clothes before rejoining them. I still hadn't perfected the art of not getting covered in blood while hunting; I wondered idly if Esme could show me how to get blood out of wool.

Jasper looked up at me as I entered the dining room, something like relief flickering across his face for the briefest of moments. I settled back into my seat beside Alice, trying to catch up with the sentence Emmett was in the middle of, wondering what I had missed.

Before I could piece it together, Jasper was shaking his head. "There has to be some other option," he said to Emmett. "There are six of us, we can overwhelm him—"

"With strength maybe, but speed? The _six_ of us? No chance," Emmett replied. "Besides which, he'll hear us coming. I'm telling you, this is the only way that makes sense."

"I will not allow—" Jasper started angrily, then stopped suddenly, glancing across the table at me. His gaze cut quickly to Alice and I followed, just in time to see the series of expressions that danced across her face: confusion, then the unfocused blankness of a vision, and finally a slow, wondering smile. She blinked and the expression was gone, replaced by a sympathetic twist to her lips.

"She'll be fine, Jazz," she said softly. The entire exchange had happened so quickly that I wasn't sure any of the others had caught it.

I looked from Alice to Jasper and then around at Emmett. "What are we talking about?" I asked.

"The exact method of kidnapping," Emmett replied, as off-handedly as though we were discussing strategies for a video game, and not what could very well be the point around which the rest of my life hinged. "Jasper seems to favor the brute-force approach, and usually I'd be right there with him. But having just gotten my ass kicked in a foot race and then watched you take down a bear five times your size, I think he's overlooking a key chess piece here." He winked at me, then shrugged. "Besides, you're the only one our dear brother won't hear coming a mile away."

I gaped at him, my mouth forming a small _O_ of shock.

"I'm not sure it's wise to send Bella after Edward alone," Carlisle interjected suddenly, his voice soft and worried.

I cringed, but Emmett just looked down the table at him, his expression still bland. "We can prepare her before we leave, and she's already proven she can handle being near humans. Alice will see any disasters ahead of time, so why the worry?"

Carlisle looked at me with an expression like he was seeking permission for something. "Bella, I've been thinking about your… fainting spells," he said hesitantly. "Given that this appears to be unique to you, I began to wonder if perhaps it could be caused by your gift, your shield. Eleazar theorized that your ability to resist humans, even as a newborn, could be a result of a segment of your shield blocking your body's desires from your mind. It seems possible to me, then, that under extreme distress your shield could attempt to protect your mind so completely that it actually cuts off motor control, causing you to collapse."

I nodded slowly, focusing on his theory rather than on Emmett's proposed plan. "It feels a bit like that," I said, carefully reviewing my crystal clear vampire memories of the times I had collapsed over the last few days, "like my legs just aren't there anymore."

And then the full weight of what Carlisle was saying hit me. _Under extreme distress_. Two days ago I had collapsed at the mere mention of Edward – what would seeing him, going after him, all alone, do to me?

I could feel the panic bubble rising out of my chest, the walls in my mind closing down and shutting everything else out. And then suddenly, it was like someone was hugging me, though no one in the room had moved. The feeling settled into the pit of my stomach, warming me from the inside out. Across from me, Jasper was watching me intently, his eyes like candle flames in his scarred face, and under the table Alice's hand found mine and squeezed.

"It won't matter," she said quietly, after a beat. She chewed her lip, then glanced up at me sidelong, her small face sad. "None of us would ask this of you if there were any other way, Bella. I don't want to put you through this, and I wish there was some way I could go with you. But you're the fastest and the strongest of us right now, and the only one who can sneak up on him. Jasper and I will monitor you, and if something should happen…" She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Everything is still very hazy, but I can guarantee this: if something were to happen to you, if you collapsed, it would give us the opening we need to capture him while he's distracted." She sighed again and shook her head, clearly hating to plan strategy around the weaknesses of people she loved. "But you _will_ be okay, I know it. We'll be with you, even from a distance, and none of us will let anything happen to you."

The silence that followed Alice's declaration was broken by the single sob that bubbled up out of Esme. "I can't do it," she said, shaking her head and clutching Carlisle's hand. "I can't sacrifice one child for another. I can't ask Bella to do this. I won't do it."

I stared at Esme for a long moment, watching as Carlisle comforted her in soft, whispered tones. I couldn't escape the thought that this was all because of me.

Without conscious intent, my gaze found Jasper's. _What should I do? _I flickered my shield at him in a silent plea.

_It's your choice_, he replied, tapping his fingertip on the polished wood of the table in quick, nearly silent bursts. _I'm with you no matter what_, he added half a second later, his gaze flickering away from me.

I nodded, looking past him, out the window behind his shoulder, at the fir trees marching away into the curtain of misty rain. They were unchanged, the same trees I had gazed out at in happier times, out the windows of this house that had held so much love. We were supposed to be the unchangeable ones, immortal stone brought to life, and yet the trees stood firm while a few months tore our lives apart…

"I'll bring him home to you, Esme," I whispered, knowing it was true as I spoke the words.

Alice gripped my hand, smiling slightly though sorrow still clouded her face. "This is the way," she said. "That decision is what will lead us all out of this mess, and lead you back to Edward."

I shook my head, closing my eyes against the familiar burn of absent tears. "There is no _back_, Alice. I can't do this for me, on the hope that somehow he'll want me now. But he should be here with you, not hiding somewhere waiting for the pesky human to move on with her life." I opened my eyes again, looking around at the pale, anxious faces watching me. "I'll bring him home to you. Just tell me what to do."


	12. Chapter 12: Oft Do Go Awry

**Chapter 12 – Oft Do Go Awry**

Sunday passed in a quiet flurry of activity as we raced to put our plan into motion. Carlisle and Esme drove into the city to secure us a cargo plane, while Rosalie worked with inhuman speed and focus to rebuild the van, with Emmett acting as both jack and assistant. I relieved him around sunset, anxious to busy my hands and still my mind. And anxious, strangely, to be in Rosalie's gruffly protective, supremely confident presence; no one was more surprised than me.

Emmett returned to the garage half an hour later with a grin stretched across his face, making his dimples dance. "Good news," he announced as he flopped down on the floor beside Rose and I; I was flat on my back, my hands braced against the frame of the van as I held it several feet off the ground for Rosalie. "He's in Brazil," Emmett continued. "I just talked to the phone company, and they say he's been racking up roaming charges there the last two weeks, every time he checks his messages. Now if we can just get him on the phone, I can give you an actual where."

I stared straight up, concentrating on keeping the van still for Rosalie as I worked to block everything else from my mind. _Brazil_. My brain whirled, images and questions rising unbidden, faster than I could contain them in my fog of white noise.

"Hmm," Rose said, her hands never pausing. "Call Esme and Carlisle and let them know – we're going to need a bigger plane."

"Alice is on it," Emmett replied, shrugging.

"Good," Rosalie nodded. "Give her something else to think about besides how to get him on the phone. Hand here, Bella," she added, directing my left hand towards some part she needed me to hold in place, while I balanced the van easily in my right.

"Jasper wants to talk to Bella, so I've been sent to switch out again."

Rosalie hummed in assent. "Just let me finish screwing this in."

I made it out of the garage before Emmett could voice the lewd comment I just knew was lurking behind his smirk.

Jasper met me in the living room, holding a small digital camera in one hand; for one dizzying moment I was reminded of the camera Renée had given me for my birthday and my half-serious question to Edward about vampires showing up on film. I shut the memory out with my shield, wrapping myself tighter in comforting white noise.

"I'm heading into the city to meet with our forger," Jasper said as I joined him at the sideboard by the front door. "Flight manifests and documentation, standard stuff," he added, shrugging. "And Alice thinks it will simplify the situation if I get you a new passport while I'm there, since the photo in your old one doesn't match now."

Ghosting his fingers over my elbow, he maneuvered me to the rare patch of blank wall, then stepped back and aimed the camera at me. I assumed the standard school photo position, squaring my shoulders and smiling a little.

Jasper snorted. "Don't smile," he said dryly, "I don't think the camera can take it."

Biting the inside of my cheek slightly, I did my best not to smile; Jasper's grin – and the emotions rolling off him – didn't help things. He snapped a few photos then pocketed the camera, shaking his head and still smiling.

Alice buzzed into the room then, a small duffle bag in her hand and her expression serious. "It's Marie; get both; and you better get going or Jenks will be asleep when you get there, and he won't finish the papers until after sunrise tomorrow," she said rapidly, as she handed the bag to him, answering several questions Jasper had apparently decided to ask.

"Both?" he asked, taking the bag and quirking an eyebrow at her. The scars on his temple puckered, and whatever was in the bag rustled softly.

Alice bobbed her head once, decisively. "She'll want both, eventually."

He nodded absently, unzipping the duffle bag, the motion distracting me from wondering what Alice was referring to. I caught a quick glimpse of several stacks of money held together with rubber bands. The bills looked like $100 notes, stacked a hundred high – my mind instantly supplied a total sum, and I clicked my jaw shut to keep my mouth from dropping open in shock.

"Sweetheart, even if I get both, this is more than twice what I need," Jasper said, eyebrow raised again.

"It's an overnight job," Alice replied, fishing a set of car keys out of the sideboard and holding them out to him. "Be nice to him, Jazz, I'd like Jenks not to have that heart attack."

"As nice as it takes to get the job done on time," he said with a vaguely menacing smile, taking the keys and giving Alice a quick peck goodbye. He turned to me as he opened the door. "If Rosalie can spare you both, have Emmett teach you some grappling moves. We'll go over strategy when I get back tomorrow." He nodded at me, gave Alice a lingering look, then slipped out the front door, closing it behind him.

Alice and I stood listening to his boots first on the porch, then across the gravel drive. As Jasper's words sunk in, I had the strangest sensation of falling, the half-remembered feeling from my previous life of a stumble realized too late.

"Am I going to need _grappling_?" I asked Alice, my voice strained.

"_Wait_," she whispered back, and looking at her I realized her shoulders were tense as she stood staring at the front door, unblinking.

Outside, Jasper's car started, and we both listened as it pulled away from the house, down the long drive, and eventually out onto the highway. Only once it had been swallowed by the sounds of other traffic did Alice finally relax, laying her head on my shoulder and winding her arm around my waist.

"Sorry," she sighed. "He has enough to deal with without me falling to pieces just as he's walking out the door."

"Are you alright?" I asked quietly, wrapping my arm around her waist as well.

"Just stressed," she sighed again. "You might need grappling, I don't know for sure yet. I still can't see him as clearly as I'd like."

I hesitated a moment, then: "Emmett said he's in Brazil." I tried to make it a question, but my voice wouldn't cooperate.

Alice nodded against my shoulder. "In an attic, but I don't know where. He won't seem to make a decision – either he's trying to block me, or he's unwilling or unable to decide on something. I don't know. I _hate_ not knowing!" she added in a harsh little whisper.

"But we'll find him?" I breathed.

"It's hazy still," she replied just as softly. "Too many decisions still to be made. But I see you in the attic, with him. It comes and goes. I just hope it means what I think it means."

I blinked down at the top of her head, feeling each individual eyelash against my cheek. "What else would it mean?"

She shrugged and stepped away slightly, not meeting my eyes. "Probably nothing. I'm probably overanalyzing, overreacting. I just hate not knowing, not being able to see. Look where my blindness got us last time."

"Alice—" I started, ready to tell her again that none of this was her fault, but she cut me off with a shake of her head.

"We need to get him to call us. Everything will be hazy until I figure out how to get him to call. And I can do that while helping Rose out just as well as I can staring out the window. I'll send Emmett in – try not to hurt him too badly."

–o–

Grappling with Emmett occupied most of my overnight hours, though in truth I hardly needed the practice. Once he showed me a few key moves, showed me how to subdue someone with vampire strength and speed, my instincts took over, aided greatly by my newborn abilities. We stayed out in the yard until near dawn, though, practicing pins, tackles, and chase techniques as the dew collected on our stone skin. Emmett's wide grin and friendly taunting kept my mind off what I would be using these new skills for in the very near future.

Just as the eastern clouds were beginning to turn from violet to pink, Rose emerged from the garage and declared that she required someone with longer arms than "stubby little Alice in there," and drafted Emmett into service again. I wandered back into the house and found Alice in the kitchen, washing the engine grease off her hands and looking even more stressed than when I had last seen her a few hours before.

"How's the van coming along?" I asked, picking up an apple from the prop fruit bowl on the counter and rolling it around in my hands.

Alice looked over at me like she hadn't been completely aware I was there. "Oh, I don't know," she said after half a beat, her voice somewhere between exasperated and exhausted. "I wasn't really paying attention."

"Right. Any luck with…?" I asked, gesturing with the apple, trying to avoid saying the actual words.

One shoulder lifted in a lackluster half-shrug. "Some. I've ruled out a lot of options, found a couple that would end disastrously. I have two or three that would get him to call, I think, but those calls always go… badly." She grimaced, throwing the hand towel down on the counter. "Part of the trick here is that it has to be a long enough call for Emmett to get a good trace on his location, so we have to keep him talking for a few minutes."

I nodded absently, blocking out the questions and images my mine conjured at her words, looking at the deep red skin of the apple rather than at Alice. "Anything I can do to help?" I asked.

She let out a breath, and from the corner of my eye I could see her entire frame relax. "Sit with me awhile?" she replied in a small voice, crossing the kitchen to lean against the counter beside me. "Maybe study a bit? Just having you there would help."

"Sure, I'll go grab a book," I said, setting the apple down and smiling at her slightly.

She returned it with the first genuine smile I had seen from her since our ill-fated dance lesson Saturday night, then bounced up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. "Thank you," she sighed, and then led the way into living room.

After a quick stop in my room to get the Spanish language novel Jasper had loaned me, I joined Alice on one of the couches in the living room, the two of us curling into one corner of it as though we needed to share body heat. In reality the physical proximity was comforting, and I laid my head on her shoulder as I read and she whispered phrases too quick for even my ears, paging through a hundred futures I would never see.

Near midmorning she suddenly went rigid beside me, her whispered decisions ceasing abruptly.

"What is it?" I asked, leaning back to look at her.

"_Wolves!_" Alice spat the word out like a curse, scowling. "Get rid of him Bella, we don't have time for this today!"

–o–

When the roar of a motorcycle echoed down the drive barely fifteen minutes later, every muscle in my body tensed. There was no question in my mind it was Jacob, and while I would always want to see my friend, I knew I was in no condition to face him today. I let myself out onto the front porch, waiting for him alone as the rumbling of the bike – one of the motorcycles we had built together, I realized – drew closer.

He rounded the last bend in the drive at a break-neck speed and skidded to a stop in one fluid motion, sending dirt flying. "Are you _insane?_" he yelled as he leapt off the bike, leaving it to spin in the gravel of the driveway.

"Jacob, what—?"

"Dr. Cullen called Sam to tell him you would be '_out of town_' for a few days!" he cut me off, crossing the yard in quick, angry strides. "Have you lost your _mind?_"

I cringed; this was a conversation I did not want to have. "Jake, I can explain," I started, raising my hands.

"So it's true then? You're going to go half way around the world, put yourself in danger, for _him?_ After what he did to you?"

The hole in my chest rippled. I clamped everything down, stopping my breathing and clenching my jaw as I glared at Jacob. "Can we discuss this somewhere else?" I asked, using my remaining air.

He shifted his weight, turning his angry gaze to the big white house behind me. "You're right," he said, his tone sarcastic and hard, "there's a few too many prying ears here." His voice grew accusatory and unnecessarily loud, and I cringed again.

He grabbed my elbow and steered me into the woods, away from the house. I had to move at slightly faster than human speed to keep up with his long strides, but he didn't seem to notice. When I determined we were far enough from the house, I wrenched my elbow from his grip, reminding myself at the last moment to be careful of breaking his fingers, fast werewolf healing or not, and then turned to glare up at him.

His face was still dark with anger, but he seemed marginally more calm. He scowled back at me for a moment, his jaw clenching and unclenching. "You're really going to do it, then?" he asked, his voice quieter but his tone still hard. "You're really going to go all the way down there, for that _monster_?"

"I'm just as much of a monster as he is!" I snapped, my arms coming up to wrap around the gaping hole automatically.

Jacob laughed mirthlessly. "I didn't mean _vampire_, Bella. No, he's a different sort of monster altogether. What he did to you…" He clenched his trembling hands into fists.

I concentrated on staying standing, on maintaining control of my shield, trying to keep hold of the thread of the conversation as the pain coursed through my chest. "He deserves to be here with his family," I whispered after a moment, clutching myself tighter.

Jacob's eyes flashed steely, and the shaking rippled up his spine. "Let's not have a conversation about what he _deserves_."

"Jake, don't!" I cut him off, squeezing my eyes shut. "I have to do this. I'm _going_ to do it."

"You do not _have _to do it. You don't owe them anything," he stated flatly.

"It's not a question of owing them!" I shot back. "I love them, and they love me!"

"You say that like they're the only ones!"

"What exactly would you like me to do, Jacob? Leave the Cullens? Live in the wilderness, alone?"

"You would never have to be alone," he said, his voice quiet but fierce.

"What, then? Join the pack? Be realistic, Jake!"

He shook his head and looked around, as though frantically trying to pull the answer out of the surrounding trees. Suddenly his eyes flashed to mine. "Run away with me."

I blinked at him in surprise. "What?"

"You and me, we'll just leave, we'll go now and never look back."

"I can't run away, Jake! I can't leave the Cullens like that – and you can't leave your pack!"

"Screw the Cullens and the pack! Run away with me!"

"Jake, please—"

And then his burning hands were on my face, cupping my jaw and drawing me closer to him. Before I could recover from the shock, his lips met mine, soft and fiery and urgent.

The hole where my heart had once been screamed out in agony, but over the white noise of my shield kicking in, Carlisle's voice echoed in my head: _Our venom is very poisonous to them. The werewolf gene and the vampire mutation cannot exist together._

"No!" I gasped against his mouth. In a move so fast it surprised even me, I pulled out of his grasp, hearing several distinct crunches emanate from the bones of his fingers as I darted away. I ducked under his arm and raced up the closest tree, only stopping once I was a dozen feet from the ground.

Below me, Jake was cursing as he straightened out his broken fingers. I winced, digging my own indestructible digits into the bark of the tree; I hadn't meant to hurt him.

"Damn it, Bella!" he yelled up at me. "Is the idea of kissing me really that horrible to you?"

I shook my head, speaking over him. "The venom in my mouth is _poisonous _to you, Jacob!"

"I wanted you to kiss me, not bite me!" He swore again.

I hid my face against the tree. "Nothing's changed, Jake," I ground out, my chest fragile and hollow. "I'm still that girl from three weeks ago. I'm still… broken."

"I was there three weeks ago, too, remember?" he demanded, his voice echoing angrily off the surrounding trees. "_I'm_ the one who's been here! You're willing to drop everything and to go freakin' _Brazil_ for _him_, but you won't even _consider_ running away with me?"

"Jacob, please…"

"I love you, okay? There, I said it! Happy?" He was pacing at the foot of my tree, still seething. "I'm _in love_ with you. I thought the vampire thing would be the end of it – you're _dead_, you're my _enemy_ – but you're right, _nothing's changed_. I still love you, I still hate him, and I still think you'd be better off with me!" He smacked the tree next to mine for emphasis, and the intertwined branches shook around me.

"'A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home?'" I quoted softly in reply, not meeting his eyes.

"Don't give me that," he spat. "We're not _that_ different. Where would we make a home? The whole world is our home! Every forest in the world! We'll hunt together, go wherever we want, and just _be_."

I sagged against the tree. "You know what I am – how can you still love me when you know what I am?"

"It doesn't matter," he said, shaking his head. "I thought it would, but it doesn't."

I closed my eyes, echoes of my long-ago conversation with Edward pawing at my shield. I felt as incredulous as he must have.

"I can be as immortal as you, Bella," Jacob said quietly from the foot of the tree. "As long as I keep shifting, I'll never age. It'll just be you and me, forever. Forget everyone else and come away with me," he pleaded, looking up at me.

I hid my face against the tree again, wishing his offer didn't sound as good as it did, wishing for the conviction to tell him no and mean it.

"Come on, Bella, stop playing squirrel and get down here!" he called up after a moment, his voice more than half whine. "Don't make me come up that tree after you!"

I sighed and dropped easily to the ground, standing a few feet away, as though that would make it easier to refuse him.

"I can't leave, Jacob," I said quietly. "I'm not going to abandon the Cullens. The plan to bring him home doesn't work without me, and I have to do at least that much for them. He should be here with them, not staying away because of me."

"And what will you do when he rejects you again? Bells, I can't watch you go through that again, I won't do it!"

"Then don't watch," I said in a small voice.

He pulled me into a hug, holding me tighter than I would have thought possible for anyone besides a vampire. Could I ever get used to this? To this furnace against my skin, to the smell of him?

"If he doesn't want me, I won't stay," I whispered into his shirt. "He should be here with his family, now that he doesn't need to avoid me anymore. But I won't keep chasing after him."

"Where will you go?" Jacob asked, his voice forlorn.

I was silent for a long moment. "How close would I need to get to La Push to trip the alarm?"

He sighed. "Once you cross over to our side of the line, it won't take long for someone to find you and alert the rest of the pack. If you ever need me – if you change your mind, or just need to talk, all you have to do is cross the treaty line."

I hugged him back, wishing I could convince myself that it was enough.

–o–

My footsteps were heavy as I made my way back to the house alone, Jacob's words ringing in my head. It would be so easy to just leave with him. I had to do this for the Cullens, I had to reunite their family and fix what I had broken, and yet I knew that bringing Edward home would be the end of this fragile existence I had begun to build here with them. I couldn't stay where he didn't want me.

I slipped quietly in through the front door and looked up to see Jasper watching me from one of the sofas; he must have returned from Seattle while I was talking with Jacob.

"You told the mongrel to mind his own business, I hope?" he asked, his voice quiet and even.

If I hadn't been so overwhelmed, I might have asked Jasper to name all the emotions that surged through me at his words. I caught the tail end of a fierce protectiveness for Jacob before the sorrow crushed me, as I was reminded again of everything I was giving up to bring Edward home.

Calm serenity crashed into me then, underlined by a confident feeling that everything would be okay, everything is always okay.

"Stop it!" I snapped, my eyes burning dully. I pulled my shield up to block my emotions from him; his influence still got through, of course, but at least this way he couldn't read me and adjust course.

Jasper sighed. "You'll feel better if you just—"

I grabbed the nearest object – a couch cushion, my fingers informed me – and hurled it at him, squeezing my eyes shut and rubbing my temples as it flew through the air.

"Jasper!" Esme's reproachful voice called down the stairs, half a second after the resounding crash.

Abruptly the artificial calm faded. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me incredulously, the beginnings of annoyance visible in the set of his jaw.

"But _you_ threw it!" he hissed at me.

I rolled my eyes at him and went to inspect the mess. Jasper had apparently dodged out of the way and the cushion had hit one of the armchairs, knocking it over. One of the feet had twisted to an odd angle, and as I fiddled with it Jasper walked over and knelt beside me, sighing again.

"I just hate to see you in so much pain, especially when I can help," he said quietly. "And I _hate_ that an animal like that can make things so much worse for you."

"Jacob only wants what's best for me," I sighed, feeling worn out to my core. "He wants me to be happy."

Jasper snorted. "As though he knows the first thing about how to make you happy."

I shrugged stiffly, setting the armchair back on its feet and returning the cushion to its home, then flopped onto the couch, rubbing my forehead again.

Jasper followed, perching on the far end, and was silent for a long moment. "Alice and I have been through this every imaginable way," he said finally. "You aren't going to be happy until… until we bring Edward home," he finished quietly.

I flinched as white-hot pain ripped through my chest, and on reflex wrapped my shield closer around me. But then Jasper was there, though he hadn't moved, solid and calm and comforting. Not as overpowering as before – a hand held out to steady me, to catch me if I fell.

I took a deep breath in through my nose and held it, trying to relax into the feeling. "How will bringing him home make me happy, Jazz?" I managed a moment later, my voice barely a whisper. "He doesn't want me, so I'd have to, I'd have to…" I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. I would have to _leave_, leave the Cullens and this new home I had found with them. Once Edward rejected me a second time, I would be on my own. Jacob's offer was sounding better and better…

"You can't just trust Alice on this one?" he sighed.

"I'm not backing out, Jazz. I'll bring him home. He should be here, with Esme and Carlisle. But I'm not doing this for _me_."

"Maybe you should consider doing it for you," he replied. "You deserve to be happy too, you know."

I looked down at my hands and tried to remember what happy felt like.

"Come on," Jasper said after a moment, getting to his feet. "There's something we need to do."

I stood and followed him up the stairs. He paused at the third floor landing, eyeing me with a worried expression before continuing down the hallway. "Emmett said that you two spent some time last night working on grappling, and thinks you'll do fine. There is one other thing we should go over, though."

With a sudden surge of horror, I realized we had stopped just outside the door to Edward's room.

"You need to be able to track him," Jasper said, confirming my fears.

"I can track him," I replied, my voice terse as I looked anywhere but at Jasper or the closed door in front of us.

"Unless you familiarize yourself with his scent, how can you be sure?"

"I tracked Laurent, and the Denali sisters. I know how to do this," I insisted.

He pursed his lips, considering me. "It's possible there will be more than one vampire trail wherever it is he's hiding. You need to be able differentiate between any vampire and Edward."

I flinched at the sound of his name, as though the barriers I had built against it the past few days were as insubstantial as the air I refused to breathe. The hole in my chest pulsed and squirmed, begging to be anywhere but here. "Please don't make me do this," I said, my lungs nearly empty.

Jasper didn't move, but again the support flowed out of him like a physical presence. "If I could do this for you I would – any of us would. You have to know that," he replied quietly.

_But I'm the only one he won't hear coming_, I flickered my shield at him, in the absence of words.

Jasper merely nodded.

I wanted to sigh in resignation, or take a breath to steady myself, something, some human twitch to ease me into this task, but air was the last thing my body needed. Instead I reached blindly for Jasper's hand, curling my fingers around his as I took a step closer to the closed door of Edward's room, and inhaled.

Everything came to me at once, layers of distinct fragrances all clambering for attention. I could smell the vinyl of the records, the crisp plastic of the CD cases, the leather of the couch, the dust caught in the corners of the room, the fine cotton clothing in the closet, and the homey scent of book bindings and old paper.

And over everything, saturating, enveloping, was the scent I had recognized in the cab of my truck Saturday evening – it felt like so much more than two days ago – the scent I would always recognize, for as long as I lived. My mind told me it was like honey and lilacs and sunshine, but my heart knew it only as _Edward_.

I sank to the floor, my fingers still tangled with Jasper's. It hurt like hell, but now that I had Edward's smell back, I wasn't sure how I would ever find the strength to leave it again. Even just that small part of him was enough to keep me rooted to the spot.

How could I even contemplate leaving with Jake once we had brought Edward home? How would I ever be able to leave, whether Edward wanted me or not?

Jasper squeezed my hand and lowered it slowly to my side, then leaned over me and turned the doorknob, pushing the door open by a fraction and letting the aromas of the room wash over me. "Just give it some time," he said quietly, though I wasn't sure if he meant the scent or the pain or some combination of the two.

I nodded numbly, staring at the small sliver of gold carpet revealed by the door, and listened to Jasper's footsteps retreat down the stairs.

–o–

Alice found me like that, over an hour later, still braced in the doorway just outside Edward's room. She sighed dramatically when she saw me, and quite deliberately pushed the door open and stepped over me and into the room.

"You are utterly ridiculous, Bella, you know that?" she said, turning to face me, her tone joking but her words serious. "You're willing to track him down, _kidnap_ him, wrestle him to the ground if need be, but you can't set foot into his room?"

I couldn't seem to drag my gaze up from the carpet, so I shrugged in the direction of her feet. I was too numb to form a coherent response, my mind full of honey-lilac-sunshine.

She made a little growling noise at the back of her throat, just slightly more angry than a purr. "Edward is so much easier to argue with," she said, sounding exasperated. "It's much easier to prove my point when I can just _show_ you what I've seen." She sighed and knelt beside me, leaning in close. "He _lied_ to you, Bella," she said quietly. "He loves you. I know it. I _know_ he loves you. And once we get to him, once he's home, you'll know it too, and this will all be like a bad dream, I promise."

"You've seen that?" I whispered, finally meeting her gaze.

"Well, no," she said, leaning back slightly. She studied me a moment, then looked down at her hands, hidden in the deep pile of the gold carpet. "There are still too many variables, still too many things to be decided. But I know my brother, Bella, I know how you two were before your birthday. Things will be like that again, I just know it."

"You didn't see how he was _after_ my birthday, though," I replied quietly. "He didn't want me then, and he won't now. He was very clear on that."

"How can you believe that? After all the times he told you—"

A look from me halted her in her tracks, and she drew back further, watching me. Her skin seemed to find new levels of pale as her expression fell, her eyes wide.

"But if you don't believe that—" She broke off again, staring at me. "If that was true, what would you do, once we bring him home?"

"I can't force him to feel something he doesn't, Alice," I said, looking away. "But he should be here."

"And where exactly should _you_ be?" she asked, horrified.

I shook my head, my eyes burning. "It's not my place."

She launched herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck and holding me close. "You're wrong," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "You're wrong, and I love you, and I wouldn't let you do this if I thought for one second I would lose you over it." She leaned away and looked at me. "Can you try to trust me on this?" she asked, smiling a little. "I am psychic, you know."

I plastered a weak smile on my face and nodded to appease her. I was going to go through with the plan to bring Edward home, regardless of what it meant for my future, and I wasn't about to let Alice screw that up.

"Speaking of which," she continued, "I think if we call him very soon here, there's a good chance he'll check his voicemail right away rather than putting it off. Emmett is all set up, so we're going to call now, instead of waiting for Carlisle and Esme to get back."

"Right now?" I asked, blinking at her.

"The sooner the better," she replied, standing and stepping over me into the hallway. "The others are all waiting for us."

I followed Alice downstairs and into the alcove just off the living room, where Emmett had amassed an army of computers, their various cords making them look like some alien creature. He sat behind them, bathed in the bluish glow of the monitors, and looked up when we entered. Jasper and Rosalie stood nearby talking about the van in jargon so thick that the only word I recognized was _exhaust_, but they too stopped and looked at us as we arrived.

"Took you long enough," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes, as we gathered into a loose circle.

"There were things to be said," Alice replied with a shrug as Emmett handed her a small silver cell phone. "Okay, everyone ready?" she asked, her gaze dancing across each of us, lingering on me before flickering to Emmett. He tapped out a quick pattern on his keyboard – I forced my mind not to translate the keystrokes – and then gave her a thumbs up. Alice took a deep breath and held it, and then with one last glance at me said, "Alright. Here we go."

I watched as she flipped the cell phone open, appearing to move in slow motion as her fingers grazed the keys. As she lifted the phone to her ear I tried to brace myself for what would come next, tried to imagine how completely everything was about to change…

The phone rang once, then went straight to voicemail. There was no greeting, only an electronic beep that set my nerves on fire.

My mind was a single steady hum, and my hands seemed to blur in front of me as I flew across the few feet separating us. I had snatched the phone from Alice's hand before the thought was fully formed, driven by something deeper than thought. I pressed it to my ear, my whole body shaking.

"Please, Edward, come home," I whispered into the phone. "Come back to – to Forks," I stuttered out, losing my nerve to say _come back to me_ at the last moment.

I clicked the phone shut and stared at it as the realization of what I'd done finally caught up with me. Everyone was silent for a long moment, and then Alice gently pried the phone from my fingers.

"How badly did I just screw things up?" I asked, my voice hollow.

"I don't know yet," she replied, shaking her head and pacing a few steps away. "It could be a good thing, even. He'll be able to tell by your voice that— Oh, he's going to listen to the message."

In the space of a single breath, Alice's eyes unfocused and refocused, and the phone in her hand began to shake. She had it to her ear before the first trilling ring had ended. "Edward," she breathed, her shoulders tensing.

"I am not amused, Alice," Edward's angry voice echoed through the tiny speaker pressed to Alice's ear.

Suddenly there was no air in the room. He was there, _right there_, all I had to do was grab the phone and he would be there. I took one stumbling step forward before Jasper caught me under the arms, pulling me tight into his side and pushing a suffocating wave of what I could only assume was supposed be comfort at me, his eyes never leaving Alice.

"Edward, I don't know what you're talking—" she started, her voice trembling slightly.

"Oh _please_," he cut her off, malice dripping from his words. Even angry his voice was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard; my hallucinations could never compare. "You're a very good mimic, Alice, but you should have known better than to attempt _her_ voice – you can't hide the vampire aspect of your voice no matter how hard you try!"

"Edward, please, it's not what you think. Just listen to me—"

"Oh no, I think I'm _exactly_ right on this one," he spat back. "How long have you known? How many days have you waited to call me, trying to put together some plan to trick me into coming home?"

"We just needed to—" Alice started, but Edward cut her off again, this time with a sigh that reverberated through the phone.

"I don't have the strength for this anymore, Alice. Please just tell me," he said, his voice tired and sad. "I know it already. Just tell me the truth so we can end this." The pleading in his voice tore at me, a jagged knife along the raw edge of the wound in my chest, but my body wouldn't listen to my commands to move, to grab the phone away from Alice.

From across the room, Emmett flashed the thumbs up sign – he had been able to determine the location of Edward's cell phone. I sagged against Jasper.

Alice's eyes drifted closed. "The truth is that you need to come home. Anything else is too… _complicated _to do this way. Please, just tell me where you are so we can come get you."

In the silence that stretched the seconds into centuries, none of us breathed. "I won't be tricked," Edward said, his voice flat, and then the line went dead.

We were all still for a long moment, no one even daring to move.

"He's in a slum outside Rio de Janeiro," Emmett said finally, uncharacteristically subdued. "I got within a few blocks, anyway, and from there Bella should be able to track him."

I nodded numbly as Jasper set me back on my feet, my mind still tangled up in the sound of Edward's voice. He was angry – with Alice, but also with me, that much was obvious. _I won't be tricked_.

"So what now?" Rosalie asked, her voice farther away than it should have been.

"Now," Alice said, rubbing her forehead as Jasper hovered at her shoulder, attempting to comfort her. "Now, we know where we're going, we just have to pick a day and go. Carlisle and Esme should be back by sunset, we can discuss our options then."

Rose nodded once, her eyebrows drawn together in what was not quite a scowl. "Well, then I'm heading back to the garage. There are just a few things left to finish up on the van." With a swish of her hair she was gone, and I instantly missed her steady practicality.

Jasper sighed over the sound of the garage door closing. "Bella, we should probably spend some time—"

Suddenly the world rippled around me, as though it was made of nothing more than wisps of smoke, and a wail tore through the air:

"_BELLA!_"

Edward's voice, as clear as though he was standing in the room with me. It was an anguished cry, entreating me to come, pleading with me, _begging_. At the sound my brain seemed to enter a frenzied state, cut off from rational thought and oblivious to the world around me. Edward needed me, he was calling out for _me_, I had to get to him, I had to. I would run all the way there, swim if I had to, tear anything apart that got in my way. Nothing could stop me from going to him if he needed me, not love and certainly not the lack of it—

"Oof! Bella, relax, it's me!"

Reality slowly dissolved in around me, sound coming before sight, thought lagging behind.

"Damn she's strong. Jasper, get over here and help me before she hurts herself! Or me!"

I blinked up at Emmett, my ears ringing. He had me in some sort of wrestling hold, something my brain tried to name from our recent lesson, but he looked down at me when I stopped fighting against his huge frame.

"You in there, Bells?" he asked, peering at my face. "Can I let you up, or are you going to punch me again?"

"I'm fine," I said, swallowing. My throat felt raw, like I had been screaming, but when I tried to remember if I had, it evaporated like a bad dream.

Emmett stood and helped me to my feet. A delicate tinkling sound like far away wind chimes accompanied our movements. Looking down, I saw that tiny pieces of broken glass were strewn on the ground around us, each reflecting the light like miniature stars.

"Did I do that?" I asked softly, grinding a piece down to sand under my bare toes.

"Uh, no," Emmett replied, brushing the glass off himself as he started for the kitchen. "You and Alice both freaked out at the same exact moment, I swear. Jasper hauled ass to get her out of here, and knocked over a vase. Jazz?" he called loudly as we crossed through the living room, the chattering of glass shards following after us. "What the hell, man? Whatever it is better be pretty important for you to leave me alone to get my ass kicked by the newborn!"

The garage door banged open just as we turned towards the kitchen, revealing Rosalie, scowling and wiping her hands on a rag. "What the hell is going on?" she snapped. "Why is everyone yelling?"

Distantly I recognized her for the oldest sister she always must have been, in charge whenever mom and dad were out of the house.

Emmett shrugged, unaffected by her anger. "Alice and Bella flipped out, I have no idea why. I was hoping Jasper could shed some light on it."

"We're in here," Jasper said softly, the kitchen tiles making sharp echoes of his voice.

Emmett and I turned back towards the kitchen, Rosalie trailing behind us and grumbling under her breath.

We found them on the floor, Alice's back braced against a polished wood cabinet and Jasper crouched in front of her. As we neared, my brain finally caught up enough to process their expressions – Jasper looked worried, and Alice was as close to tears as I had ever seen any vampire.

"I just wish I knew what he was thinking," she half sobbed, her hands balled into fists, cradled in Jasper's larger hands. "I wish I knew the _why_."

"What happened?" Emmett asked, all the joking gone from his voice. "What'd she see?"

Jasper glanced away from his wife for only the briefest second, his gaze flickering to me rather than Emmett, before returning to Alice. "She saw Edward… considering suicide," he said softly.

The number of things wrong with that statement swirled like a vortex around me, stabbing at me with innumerable pains, but my mind latched onto the most mundane of them all:

"That's not how it works!" I blurted out, staring aghast at Jasper. "He couldn't have just _considered_ committing suicide. It wasn't a stray thought. For Alice to see it he had to have _decided_."

The kitchen was silent for a long moment, the echoes of my outburst bouncing off the tile, off our stone skin.

"He changed his mind," Jasper pointed out finally, his voice subdued.

I gaped at him, my eyes burning and the emotions he was throwing at me clinging to my legs like fog. "And what if he changes it back again?" I demanded. "Could we reach him in time?"

Alice turned and looked up at me, and the fear in her eyes suddenly brought everything into sharp focus. For however brief a moment, Edward had decided to kill himself. The world was crumbling around me, and I was turning to dust as it fell.

"He's not _allowed_ to commit suicide," I choked out, my chest folding in on itself. "He _promised_. I made him promise. We have to go, right now. We have to go – he _promised!_"

Rosalie's arm around my waist was the only thing that kept me from hitting the floor. "Come on, Bella," she said, her voice near my ear, "get your feet under you. No sister of mine is going to be the first fainting vampire in history." She hauled me up, catching me as I wavered, all golden hair and golden eyes and flashing teeth – a lioness defending her pride. "You want to do this now?" she asked, her voice serious. "Then man up, put your boots on, and let's go."


	13. Chapter 13: Get Thee To Mantua

_Original poem Get Thee To Mantua copyright SLeCraft, 2009. Used with permission._

* * *

**Chapter 13 – Get Thee To Mantua**

_Get thee to Mantua,_

_Get thee to thy love._

I couldn't seem to remember when I had read the poem, but the first two lines circled around my mind as our heavy plane lumbered towards the end of the runway, their cadence widowed from the rest of the verse. Outside the windowless cargo bay, the sun was rising over Seattle – Tuesday, a week since I had woken up in the river, confused and alone. It felt like a lifetime.

_Get thee to Mantua…_

Closing my eyes, I rounded my back against the curve of the hull, waiting for that first moment of being airborne, praying for it to come, soon, sooner, _sooner_. Beside me, Alice squeezed my hand, still whispering possible futures under her breath, even as we raced to prevent the one outcome I couldn't begin to comprehend.

_Get thee to thy love._

I felt every minute that ticked by, my nerves raw from the tension of wondering if this would be the instant when Alice would have another vision, if I would again hear Edward's disembodied voice pleading for me, if the world would crumble around me while I was powerless to stop it. For however brief a moment, he had decided to commit suicide, to invoke the plan he had so serenely laid out for me while we watched _Romeo and Juliet_, during those last hours of happiness on my birthday. He had changed his mind, decided against it, but how long until he considered it again? How much time, how much time?

_The time grows short_

_For lover's hearts,_

_They beat a frail tattoo,_

_And in the blue of morning_

_Waits Death with horse for two._

The rest of the first stanza came to me in a rush, and I clenched my jaw against it, wishing my brain had picked something else, anything else, to fixate on.

The floor seemed to drop out from under me, and suddenly we were in the air, every little shudder of the plane vibrating through my bones. And then banking, turning, flying southeast as quickly as Esme could take us.

_Verona's life is over_

_To Mantua you must fly._

_Else out of love, you shall carve_

_In self-strange mockery_

_A tomb for two where once there stood_

_The promise of eternity._

The feeling of calm Jasper sent to me from his seat on Alice's left was tentative and light, and I realized belatedly that I had balled my free hand into a fist. _A tomb for two where once there stood…_

I brought up my wall of white noise, hoping to drown out the words my subconscious continued to repeat. My eyes still closed, I flickered my shield at Jasper, suddenly absurdly grateful for our private form of communication. _Will we have to stop for fuel?_ I asked him silently, wondering for a fraction of a second if my anxiety would come across in my words, before remembering that Jasper could feel my anxiety whether I said anything or not.

_Yes_, he replied immediately, the gentle rapping of his fingernail against the steel seat all but obliterated by the roar of the engines. _In Charlotte, North Carolina, and then a straight shot to Rio._

_How long?_ I pressed, attempting again to block the words of the poem from my head.

Jasper paused before replying; I forced air in and out of my lungs. _Fifteen hours_, he tapped out finally, _unless Esme can find us a tailwind_.

Fifteen hours. I had the whole of forever laid out in front of me, and it all hinged on the next _fifteen hours_.

"Alice?" I breathed, opening my eyes, loath to break the buzzing silence of the cargo bay.

Her murmured futures stopped, and she shook her head, looking at me. "Nothing. I don't think he's trying to block me, he's just… indecisive."

I stared at her for a moment, trying to make the pieces fit together in my head. "Indecisive about what? Whether or not to _kill_ himself?" The words clawed at the inside of my throat as I spoke them.

"No," she said thoughtfully, drawing the syllable out. "No, between suicide and some other action, but I can't get a clear read on what. The alternative to either seems to be staying exactly where he is – in that same attic I keep seeing him in. But the vision of you in the attic with him is getting stronger, and that's a good sign."

"So we'll make it in time?" I asked in a small voice, letting my words be swallowed by the ambient hum.

"If he keeps up like this, then definitely. But even if he decides… We're racing a clock that hasn't started yet, Bella. If he decides again, and sticks with the decision, we'll still have time to get to him. It's much more difficult for a vampire to commit suicide than it is for a human. There are only so many options, and they would each take time."

"He said he would go to Italy, to the Volturi," I interrupted her softly, not meeting her gaze.

Alice's small hand spasmed around mine, but she nodded in quick, jerky motions. "That's what I saw," she whispered. "The travel time, and then convincing them… We would have time to get to him, to stop him, if he decides again. But Bella," she said, ducking her head to catch my gaze, "I don't think he will. Something is keeping him from doing it. I think he'll still be in that attic when we get there."

"Which means we should be focusing on what we're going to do once we do get there," Rosalie interjected, sounding mildly annoyed.

I turned to look at her, sitting on my right, her shoulders relaxed against the hull and her eyes closed softly, as though we were flying first class, rather than on a fold-out metal bench mere feet from where the rebuilt van had been strapped in for the journey.

"What's the plan, Jasper?" she continued, not opening her eyes.

In the brief pause that followed, I could feel Jasper's gaze on me. "It will be close to two in the morning by the time we arrive," he said finally, "which will give us a very narrow window to get to Edward and get back to the airport before sunrise. We do have the option of waiting until nightfall—"

"No," I said flatly, the word ringing in the air before I had even decided to voice it.

"But the longer we wait," Jasper continued, "the riskier this becomes, on several levels."

"When is sunrise?" I asked into the silence that followed his declaration.

"Six a.m." Emmett supplied from the far side of Rosalie. He shrugged nonchalantly when we turned to look at him. "I Googled it."

"So we'll have four hours?" I asked, turning back to Jasper.

"Give or take," he replied, nodding. "The five of us will drive the van from the airport into the city, while Carlisle and Esme stay with the plane, in case we need to make a quick get-away. Based on the coordinates Emmett got, we know the general area of town where he is, but we can only get within a few miles of him before he'll be able to hear our thoughts. So Bella, the last leg will be up to you. This is for you," he said, pausing to hand me a slim cell phone and Bluetooth headset. "I'll be on the line with you the entire time, but until you secure him, any hint that we're nearby might make him run."

I nodded numbly, turning the tiny headset over in my hands.

I had the whole of eternity laid out in front of me, and only the next fifteen hours to prepare myself to see Edward again.

–o–

We battled with the sun at thirty-five thousand feet, winging east as it slid west. It was midafternoon by the time we landed in Charlotte, and the long taxi into a private, shaded hanger felt like an eon to me. I tried to stay in my seat as Emmett helped Esme and Carlisle refuel the plane and Rosalie made a few last-minute adjustments to the van, but I could feel the seconds pulsing past like the heart beat I no longer had. Fidgeting turned to tapping, and soon I was pacing the length of the cargo hold, listening to the jet fuel churn its way through the hose and into the plane, and brushing away Jasper's woven emotion-music like so many cobwebs.

And all the while, the lines of the poem continued to invade my mind, grating and tearing at my psyche, and magnifying my ever-growing sense of urgency.

_Get thee to Mantua,_

_With all unseemly haste._

_True love's vow must never_

_Be made by madman's hands to waste._

–o–

If the five hour flight to Charlotte had been torturous, then the ten hour flight to Rio de Janeiro was pure agony. I tried to use the time to ready myself to see Edward again, but my nerves were ragged, flayed raw with worry and tension. But beneath the ever-present fear, I attempted to reason my way through the impending reunion. From the start I had been so determined to do whatever needed to be done to bring Edward back to his family, that I hadn't spent any time thinking about how I was going to handle actually seeing him again. How exactly do you go about kidnapping the love of your life, the man who broke your heart and abandoned you?

I had never given much thought to what I would do or say if I saw Edward again, during all those months alone. He had been so final, that day in the woods, that it had never felt like a real possibility. A small part of me wondered if I should want to hurt him the way he hurt me, but I couldn't seem to find that kind of anger.

I could hear my mother's voice in my head, telling me I was being an idiot, a weak woman to still love a man after being hurt so deeply. Any man that hurt Renée the way Edward had hurt me would surely feel her wrath. And for a moment, as we hurdled towards Edward and the inevitable reunion, as the dark Caribbean passed beneath our plane, I tried to summon the anger, to feel as my mother would have felt.

But no matter how I looked at it, what justifications I tried to give myself, I simply couldn't do it. I didn't matter what he did to me, I would never want Edward to feel the kind of pain I had felt all these months. And I knew, with the bleak certainty of all the empty years of eternity unfolding before my eyes, that I would never stop loving him, regardless of whether or not he loved me back.

I would bring him back to his family, as I had promised. And if he didn't want me… The pain was immediate, and doubled now, surging outward from my chest, making even my fingers and toes ache. If he didn't want me, not only was I losing the man I loved, I was also losing my place with the Cullens. All of Jasper and Alice's assertions to the contrary, I couldn't see how this could possibly end well.

Not that it mattered, I reminded myself. In a few short hours, he would be back with his family. I would bring him back to them if it killed me. Whatever happened after that, I would simply have to learn to live with it.

I held to that thought as our plane crept ever further south, silently praying that my determination lasted the night.

_There never was another day,_

_Hour, minute, second past_

_When love's unrequited pain did grow_

_In two souls so aptly matched._

–o–

I felt a strange sense of déjà vu as we circled over the dark city of Rio de Janeiro, waiting for clearance to land. It was such a mundane, common thing, finally seeing your destination from the air after a long flight, and even with the grim and frightening task that lay before me, I couldn't escape the feeling of familiarity. I tried unsuccessfully to conjure up the memory of landing in Seattle, barely more than a year ago, when I had left Phoenix to live in Forks with Charlie. Perhaps it was that sense of self-imposed exile, or the knowledge that my life was about to change for the worse, that made this all seem like a half-remembered dream.

Esme landed our heavy cargo plane with practiced ease, but I still jumped when the wheels touched down. I wrapped myself in the layer of calm Jasper silently offered me, melding it with my shield of white noise until all my fear and uncertainty faded into the background, like the hum of the jet engines that were even now spinning to a quiet halt. The plane rocked on its wheels, squeaking slightly, as we finally came to a stop in another non-descript private hanger. I did the math in my head as easy as blinking, and knew without looking that it was ten minutes before two a.m. Right on schedule.

Carlisle and Esme joined us in the hold as we detached the van from its moorings and lowered the cargo ramp in the back of the plane. Rosalie carefully backed the van down the ramp, then sat fluttering the engine in the early morning coolness. Hazy memories of the pre-dawn newspaper runs I had done with Renée as a child flitted through my mind.

Jasper, Alice, and Emmett started down the ramp towards the van, but as I turned to follow them, Esme pulled me into her arms, crushing me against her shoulder. "Remember that we love you," she whispered in my ear, squeezing me tighter, "and always will. Come home to us, my beautiful little girl." She hugged me a moment longer and then released me, her eyes lingering on my face. I took a few hesitant steps down the ramp, and then turned back to look at her. Carlisle stood beside her now, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as she leaned into him, and they both watched me, their expressions anxious but hopeful.

I nodded at them, fixing the image of them solidly in my mind's eye, and then continued resolutely toward the van.

_Lie not in the pale of evening,_

_And cry how love has turned._

_It turneth not, fair Juliet,_

_The world waits on you,_

'_Til with sparrow's wings_

_And faith unchanged_

_You step onto the road._

–o–

We wound through the dark, silent streets of Rio de Janeiro, the van's rebuilt engine emitting only the quietest of growls under Rosalie's expert touch. Jasper had claimed the passenger seat, leaving Alice, Emmett, and I sitting on the floor in the hollowed out rear section. Emmett balanced a laptop on his knee, and every few minutes softly called directions to Rose, following his map to Edward's last known location.

The others seemed to feel the gravity of the task that lay before us as keenly as I did; they spoke rarely, their voices subdued when they did. Outside the van's windows the glitzy downtown area gave way to the _favelas_, the slums, and I knew we were getting close.

The roads turned narrow, and then steep, but still we drove on, unnoticed by the sleeping populace. Alice put her arm around my waist and squeezed. I returned the gesture mechanically from inside my white-walled fortress.

"This is the edge of the radius," Emmett said quietly, as we turned onto a little street that looked much the same as the last three. "If we get any closer, we run the risk of Edward hearing us."

I flinched in slow motion, my body recoiling and then relaxing again against the naked metal wall of the truck. From the passenger seat, Jasper just nodded. "Alice?" he asked, twisting around to look at us.

She closed her eyes and hummed a little. "There's a scent trail not too far from here," she said after a moment. "I can give Bella directions, she won't have any trouble."

Rosalie nodded as well, and pulled into the shadow of a burnt-out streetlamp, just one more dilapidated van in the rundown neighborhood. She cut the engine, and in the sudden silence all the little noises of the slums rushed in to greet me – people snoring and tossing in their sleep, a radio playing out an open window, a television three blocks away, muffled by the overlapping buildings which filled the intervening space, but still clear to my ears.

I realized suddenly that this was by far the closest I had been to civilization since becoming a vampire, even including our break-neck rush to the Seattle airport twenty-four hours earlier. And this was the real test, which I hadn't had time to prepare myself for in our race against time: could I track Edward by smell alone, through a sea of tightly packed humanity? Could I ignore all my newborn instincts, with temptation looming this close?

Fear seized me then, wrapping its clammy hands around my throat even as I struggled not to take a breath. What if I couldn't do this? What if I tried to, and ended up _killing_ someone instead? What if the others had to rush in to stop me, and alerted Edward to our presence? What if Edward changed his mind and I was too distracted by the blood to even notice? What if—

"_Bella_," Jasper said, his voice commanding, and I opened my eyes – I couldn't remember closing them – to find him crouched in front of me, his face worried. "You're fine Bella, just breathe," he said.

_No! _I flickered at him. _No breathing! I can't breathe! What if I smell them? What if I kill them? What if I kill them all?_ I pressed myself flat against the wall of the van, and shook my head, commanding my lungs not to move.

"What's she freaking out about?" Rosalie asked, twisting around in the driver's seat to look at me.

"She's worried about the bloodlust," Jasper said, watching me. The grim set of his mouth did little to assuage my fears.

"You'll do _fine_, Bella," Alice said, squeezing my shoulder. "I can see you in the attic quite clearly now, but not a single vision of you attacking or killing anyone. It's going to be fine."

My lungs were empty and I didn't dare breathe, so I fluttered my shield at Jasper and then waited for him to translate my reply.

"She thinks you haven't had the vision yet because she hasn't taken a breath," he said to Alice in my stead.

Alice merely rolled her eyes. "Then take a breath, silly."

Fear surged through me again, but half a second later Jasper gripped my forearms in each of his hands, the gesture both protective and comforting. "Watch the door, Emmett," he said, his eyes steady on my face.

I gripped his arms in the same fashion, locked my muscles into place, and took a deep breath in through my nose.

The smells of urban civilization assaulted me instantly. The scent of human blood, warm and pulsing, was the strongest, but under it I could smell their food and animals and pollution and filth. I tensed myself for the bloodlust, for the burn in the back of my throat, willing myself not to move from this spot, no matter what my body cried out for.

It took me a moment to realize that the burn was there, but muted. And while I could smell the human blood and objectively realize that it did in fact smell very delicious, the urge wasn't overwhelming.

My body wanted it, but my brain did not. My shield was acting just as Eleazar had predicted it would.

I exhaled the breath shakily and took another, smiling uncertainly at Jasper.

"See?" Alice asked, drawing out the vowels and sounding entirely too proud of herself.

"Still no visions of massacres, then?" I asked, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out at her.

She shook her head, but I looked at Jasper out of the corner of my eye for confirmation.

He tapped out a quick pattern against my forearm. _She isn't worried at all, which means you shouldn't be, either. If something was going to happen, she would have seen it already._

"So are we good now?" Rosalie asked, cutting into the brief silence. "We're burning moonlight here, people."

I nodded and released Jasper's arms, taking another deep breath. "I guess this is it," I said, exhaling it in a huff. With each breath it got easier to ignore the burn, easier to separate my mind from this desire of my body.

Emmett cast a glance around at all of us, then shrugged and pulled the sliding side door of the van open and stepped out. Alice followed, with Jasper on her heels. I climbed out after them, pulling the phone and earpiece Jasper had given me earlier out of my pocket.

"Half a mile down this road, and then take a right into the alley," Alice said, answering my question as I decided to ask it, her eyes far away and her voice dream-like. "His scent is old, but it's there. Go over the alley until you pick it up, and then follow it north."

I nodded, trying to contain the anxiety bubbling up in my chest. After all this, the rest was up to me. My fingers shook as I turned the cell phone on and connected it to the tiny wireless headset.

Jasper was watching me, worry etched clearly on his face. "Are you sure you can do this, Bella?" he asked softly. "Perhaps if we had had more time, we could have found a way for you to extend your shield over another person, and one of us could have gone with you…"

I smiled weakly at him. Even if it was in my power to shield someone else from Edward's telepathy, I couldn't imagine confronting Edward with anyone else in the room. "I'll be fine, Jazz," I replied. "You'll come when I call?" I asked, holding up the earpiece.

He nodded, and I tucked the small piece of plastic into my ear. Glancing at Alice, I saw that her expression had darkened, her eyebrows drawn together.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice flat even as my stomach dropped like a stone; I couldn't help but fear the worst.

But she shook her head. "I don't quite know," she said slowly. "I'm getting snippets of conversation now, but none of it makes any sense." She shook her head again, as though trying to clear away the vision. "He's by a window, though, in that same attic as before. Yes, you'll definitely have to climb through a window to get to him…"

My breathing hitched and sped as I stared back at her, another stanza of the poem clawing its way through my mind.

_Tarry not by window waiting_

_For love's once promis'd return._

_He waits as well, the addled fool_

—_the shade is drawn, the day is dark,_

_He hums a mourner's tune,_

_And counts which stars for you he'll name_

_Once Heaven is his view._

"The conversation… Is he going to come with me? Willingly?" I asked. The hole in my chest ached, and I hunched my shoulders forward.

She shook her head again, slowly this time, still staring off into the middle distance. "I wish I could tell you what to say, but none of it makes any sense."

"He doesn't have to come with you willingly," Emmett reminded me, as he leaned against the van. "You're stronger and faster than him. Pin him, call us, and we'll take care of the rest. Just like we practiced."

I nodded, turning the cell phone over in my hands, before jamming it back in my pocket. "Thank you all," I started, not meeting their eyes, "for getting me this far. I'll… call soon, I guess. Wish me luck." I looked up at them briefly, and then turned and started in the direction Alice had indicated. It was now or never.

"Bella, wait!" Alice called after me before I had gotten very far. She ran to catch up with me, careful to use a human pace in case anyone was watching us. She chewed her lip for a moment, and then looked up at me. "Everything is unclear still, but… I think there's going to be a moment when you'll want to stay there with him, stay in that attic and never leave. But please, _don't_. I can't stand the thought of losing you both."

I stared at her, the breath freezing in my throat. "It's going to be bad, isn't it?" I whispered.

She nodded, looking like she wanted to cry. "I wish I could go with you. I wish I could…" She shook her head, and pulled me into a tight embrace. "Come back to me," she breathed against my hair, "and bring my brother with you." She squeezed me tighter for one more moment, and then she was gone, running back to the van and climbing in with the others.

I hunched forward into the space she had just occupied, the edges of the gaping hole in my chest pulsing like the heart I no longer had. I wanted to fall to the pavement right here and never move again, but somehow I managed to pull my mind away from all its curiosities about what lay ahead. Whatever had to be said, whatever had to be done, I would bring him home.

The phone buzzed in my pocket, and I gently brushed my finger over the tiny button on the earpiece.

"Bella," Jasper's voice crackled softly in my ear. "We're with you."

I looked back at the van, at the four people inside who had come to mean so much more to me over this past week. Jasper's calming influence reached me, even at that distance, allowing me to stand straight again. I nodded at them, then turned and continued down the road.

_So linger not in sorrow,_

_Get thee to Mantua._

_This pain is yours to end, Juliet,_

_This love is yours to save._

_Your fate's not sealed by poet's hands_

_But in your own is laid._

–o–

It took me longer than I had expected to find the alley Alice had directed me to. As I neared the half mile mark, I began to check every turn off on my right, carefully sniffing my way through each dim corridor before continuing on to the next one. But as soon as I reached the correct one, I realized I needn't have checked the others. The smell was faint – stronger than in my truck, but a whisper compared to his room – but I would have recognized it in my sleep. It pulled me to the right before I could command my feet, down the dark alley, deeper into the favela.

Distantly I knew that barely more than a week ago, I would have been terrified to be in this situation, in a foreign country whose language I didn't speak, alone on the unlit streets of a slum in the middle of the night, with only the vaguest idea of where I was. But instead I was reminded of my days in the wilderness, of the frightening and oppressive solitude of it, as the buildings rose up like giant trees around me. And how long before I would be back there, roaming the forests of the Pacific Northwest alone?

My words to Jacob tumbled around my mind as I followed Edward's scent through the winding streets. I couldn't stay where Edward didn't want me, and so this road I was on was as much away from him as it was towards him. But as his familiar smell grew stronger, pulling me along like a cord attached to the raw edge of my wound, I realized that it didn't matter. I was in too deep now. No matter what came tomorrow, tonight I would get to see him, talk to him, touch him. After that, if he didn't want me, I would deal with the consequences.

I had survived it once, and I would survive it again. But for tonight, his scent filled my head and my chest ached at the promise of seeing his face after so many months. For tonight, it would be enough…

I found myself staring at the grimy concrete wall of a dilapidated tenement building, pipes and rusty fire escapes crisscrossing the chipping paint. His scent ended here, right at this wall, as though there was a secret door I couldn't see. I turned around, backtracking over the last few feet to see if the trail led off anywhere else, but it was one sustained path, leading directly at the building.

And then I remembered the innocuous word Alice had said so many times over the last few days: _attic_. I looked up the building, through the tangle of laundry lines and electrical wires. Sure enough, four stories up, just under the edge of the peaked roof, a small window was set into the concrete, dark against the faded paint. Either he was there, or his trail would pick up there and lead me further on; in either case, I had to get to that window.

Without looking around, I paused to focus on my hearing, sorting through all the little sounds of human habitation, listening for the quickened heartbeat or irregular breathing of someone watching me in my inhumanness. But all around me were the sounds of slow, steady pulses, and the regular breathing of the sleeping, the reclining, the unsurprised. The burn in my throat chose that moment to remind me that those beating hearts were my natural source of food, but I squashed it down and stopped my breathing, then adjusted whatever shield I could imagine separating my mind from those desires, and returned to the task at hand.

I eyed the wall uncertainly. Even with my experience climbing trees with Rosalie, I was unconvinced that the wall would provide much in the way of finger or toe-holds. The fire escape looked rickety at best, and in sudden bemusement I realized I had no idea how much I weighed now – did stone skin weigh more than flesh? – so I disregarded it as well. Looking up, I saw a tiny balcony projecting from a second story window which looked marginally more stable. Trusting my body to know what to do, I took a few steps backwards, crouched down, and then jumped at the balcony.

I landed on my toes on the balcony railing, feeling the absence of a waver as my weight centered itself easily. Standing up, I found I could quite nearly reach a window sill one floor up, and with another small jump and a twist in the air, I balanced on its narrow ledge, my fingertips resting on the top of its frame.

The attic window was still one more story above me, and glancing up again I realized it was several feet to my right as well, without any clear path to it. I needed to minimize the amount of time I stood precariously perched on the side of the building, but I took a moment to breathe in carefully. Edward's scent was thick here, filling my throat and lungs, and I found myself reaching up to a pock mark in the concrete just above my head before I had consciously decided to move, spurred on by his smell.

Remembering Rosalie's advice to not hold onto any one spot for too long, I hauled myself along the building, up and to the right, finding finger and toe-holds in the decaying concrete as I went, and within a matter of seconds my hands found the edge of the attic window.

I pulled myself through the open window, and then stood up and looked around the dark room. It was a tiny space, barely even fit for storage, dusty and crowded with old boxes and broken down furniture.

And in the far corner, still as a statue and pale as a ghost, sat Edward.

_Get thee to Mantua, fair Juliet_

_And save your Romeo._

_Else damned to be in world to come,_

_And never true love know._


	14. Chapter 14: The Attic

**Chapter 14 – The Attic**

Edward was tucked into the far corner, the sloping walls of the attic brushing his left arm. He was as motionless as a statue, and the circles under his eyes were a deep purpley-black – but he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I took a step towards him, and his eyelids fluttered open, revealing pitch black irises. He looked right at me, and every muscle in his body seemed to relax.

"Finally," he sighed. His voice was at once more musical than that of my hallucinations and hazy memories, and rougher than I had ever heard it, as though he hadn't spoken in a very long time. "I was wondering when I would see you again," he continued.

My chest swelled and the hole beat out a frantic rhythm, but there was no pain. "Edward," I whispered, taking another step. After all this time, he was finally right in front of me, his voice ringing in my ears and his scent filling my lungs. Just a few more steps and I could—

The forgotten headset, still wedged snuggly in my ear, crackled to life. "Do you have him?" Jasper's voice asked, intent and business like. I snatched the offending piece of plastic out of my ear and jammed it into my pocket. Jasper would just have to wait.

Edward was still staring up at me. "Bella?" he asked, his voice soft and uncertain.

I didn't have the words to answer him, but I crossed the small space in a few quick steps, sinking to my knees within arm's reach.

He continued to watch me, his dark eyes unblinking. "Are you really here?" he asked after a moment. His breath was sweet on my tongue, and for the space of a heartbeat I forgot where we were or why I was here.

"Yes, I'm here," I finally managed.

He nodded and looked away. "Then it's as I feared," he sighed sadly, and the hole in my chest spasmed at the sound.

Before I could reply, he was on his feet, pacing towards the window and looking out across the city. I stood and followed him slowly, trying to piece together the meaning behind his words, even as my wound ached at the sight of him walking away. Blinking at his back, I tried desperately to cling to the present, but it was like sand running through my fingers. I was falling backwards, the walls of my mind closing in around me.

Somehow despite all the months that had passed, despite my transformation from human into vampire and no small helping of mental instability, I could still remember the feeling of his cold lips on my forehead as he said goodbye, that terrible day in the forest.

"_Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin…_

"You'll forgive me for the delay, I hope," he said, his soft voice wrenching me out of my memories. "I had to be sure." He turned to face me again, backlit by the city, his dark eyes impossibly large.

"Well I'm here now…" I said into the silence that followed, feeling like I ought to say something.

He smiled tremulously, and his eyes seemed to echo the pain in my chest. "Yes, you are here now," he whispered, then crossed the room slowly to stand in front of me, close but not quite touching. I had to tip my chin up to meet his eyes, swallowing and shaking slightly at his sudden proximity.

"Will you stay with me?" he asked, gazing down at me.

I stared up at him, and knew there had only ever been one answer to that question. "Of course," I whispered on the last of my air, my chest too tight to draw breath, even as the pain stuttered to a halt.

He smiled a bit more genuinely, then sank gracefully to the floor. I felt rather than saw his hand ghost over the back of mine, and realized a moment too late that he had started to reach for me before changing his mind. I sat quickly beside him, struggling again to keep up with his sudden shifts.

Edward was watching me with his large, dark eyes, his expression indecipherable. "It seems strange to say now, but I've missed you," he whispered into the silence of night-time noises.

The weight of the last six months came crashing in on me at his words, but I shoved it behind the wall of white noise and focused on the present, on the fact that Edward had missed me, even a little. I managed a small smile and a breath. "I missed you too," I replied softly, though the word was so insufficient it was nearly a lie.

He leaned towards me, but again stopped short of touching me, his head inclined towards my shoulder, but hovering just above. I relaxed by inches, leaning towards him as well, and for the first time in six months, drew a deep breath without the stabbing pressure of the wound his absence had left behind. His smell filled my lungs, filled my head and made me dizzy, the honey-lilac-sunshine sweet on my tongue, full of the comfort of home and the promise of hope.

"Will you stay?" Edward asked again a moment later, his voice so vulnerable and child-like that the breath caught in my throat.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him quietly, resisting the impulse to take his hand. There would be time enough for that, once he was ready.

He sighed, and his breath felt warm against my skin; my mind understood the change, but my heart still flinched at the absence of the chill that had once defined his presence. "Thank you, Bella," he whispered, and his head finally touched my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a full minute, his head resting on my shoulder. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, as I simply enjoyed the feeling of being near him again. After everything I had been through, after all the months of heartache and my implacable fears the last twenty-four hours, he was finally really here, right beside me, safe and real. I hadn't allowed myself to dream of best-case scenarios for our reunion, so I had nothing to compare this to. He wasn't offering explanations or apologies, but at least he wasn't running away or asking me to leave. I rested my head on top of his, content for this moment to leave everything unsaid.

Time slipped past us unnoticed as we sat, curled into one another. I tried not to think about the confrontations still ahead of us or of the questions still unanswered. Instead I concentrated on his smell, on the feel of his hair against my cheek, my chest thrumming painlessly.

But as the minutes continued to tick by and Edward continued to sit, silent and unmoving, I felt the smile slide from my face. When he had said _stay_, he couldn't have meant here, could he? I would stay with him as long as he wanted me, no matter where in the world he went, but staying here in this attic was a far different thing.

_But why not?_ part of my mind retorted. He was here, and we were together, finally. If we left here, how long would it be before we found this delicate balance again? If I rushed him out of this attic, back into the real world of his hurt family and his boredom with me, of _It will be as though I never existed_, how long would it take him to remember all the reasons he left to begin with? How long until I would have to give up the place I had established with the Cullens?

So why not stay here? As long as his head rested against my shoulder, I would never want to move. No one would find us in this forgotten attic. The city could fall around us, and we wouldn't notice. I could call Jasper and tell them not to bother, to go back without us, that we would be staying here, together.

It would be so easy to stay, and just the thought of it held such comfort. To never again be parted from him, to never move from this spot. Eternity stretched out in front of me, but as long as we were together, the years were meaningless. I could spend forever curled up here with him, all I had to do was stay…

"_There's going to be a moment when you'll want to stay there with him, stay in that attic and never leave," _Alice's voice rang clearly in my perfect memory, her sad, worried face swimming in front of my eyes._ "But please, _don't_. I can't stand the thought of losing you both. Come back to me, and bring my brother with you." _ I closed my eyes against the familiar burn of absent tears. I couldn't do this to Alice, or to Esme, or Jasper, or any of them. No matter how much I wanted to stay here and never move again, I couldn't put them through that.

"Edward," I said softly, my mind made up. "It's time to go."

He sighed and turned his head to look up at me, but didn't lean away. "We could just stay…" he said in a small voice.

I shook my head, resolutely holding to my decision, and not meeting his eyes for fear my resolve would crumble if I did. "You need to—" my throat constricted around the words _come back with me,_ "—go back to Forks."

He was silent for a beat, and I felt his eyelashes brush my shoulder as he let his eyes drift closed. "Why would I go back to Forks?" he asked, his voice morose and puzzled.

The pain in my chest surged back to life in a single drawn-out spike, as the realization hit me that maybe I had read too much into his desire to stay. Maybe he didn't want me after all. I could feel my shield shutting down, protecting my mind from the pain, and I pushed back against it. He didn't want me, but that didn't change anything. "To be with your family," I whispered, once I had control over my lungs again.

He leaned away, and though I could feel his gaze on me, I didn't look up. "And what about you?" he asked softly.

The hole fluttered, but I resisted the hope his words offered. "I'll be there too, if you want me to be," I replied, still looking away.

He was silent for a long moment, and I finally looked up at him. Edward was staring at me with his inkwell eyes, and as I watched he reached a hand out tentatively towards me. He paused a quarter of an inch short of my cheekbone, his eyes flickering across my face. I stopped breathing, wondering if he had only just realized that I wasn't human anymore.

"You aren't her, are you?" he whispered into the sudden silence.

I blinked up at him, horror making my chest heavy and numb even as the hole throbbed. Of course I wasn't her – I was the vampire who had taken up residence in her dead body. "Of course I am," I said, my mouth forming the words silently.

"You aren't," he said, shaking his head, a note of hysteria growing in his voice. "You aren't her. You look like her, but not, not _quite_, and of course you don't smell right, I can't believe I didn't notice—"

I closed my eyes for a moment, focusing all my strength on controlling my body, on holding my shield open. "Please, Edward, _please_, it's me," I insisted, the tears I could never shed surfacing in my voice. "You need to go home to Forks."

"What trickery, what madness is this?" he asked himself as though he hadn't heard me, the edge in his voice growing.

"It's me, Edward, it's Bella!" I said over his words, desperate now. "Please, trust me! Just go back to Forks, and you'll see that everything is all right."

Sudden understanding seemed to dawn on his face, and I recoiled from the hatred in his black eyes. "That's exactly what you want, isn't it?" he asked, his voice low and menacing. "You want me to go back to Forks?"

My eyes were burning with absent tears and my chest was threatening to collapse inward, but somehow I managed to swallow past the pain and answer him. "Yes," I rasped out, holding his gaze.

But he shook his head. "I was wrong— I didn't see—" he said to himself, the hysteria creeping back in.

"Edward, please," I dry-sobbed, reaching towards him.

"Demon!" he hissed, cringing away from me. "Go back to Hell! You will not lure me with your false promises! You will not trick me into ruining her life!" He stood in one swift motion, towering over me. "How dare you take her form? How dare you use her against me, Hell-spawn?"

He lunged towards me, his hands outstretched, and what happened next was a combination of instinct and my perfect memory of Emmett's grappling lessons. I leapt to the side, narrowly avoiding his long fingers as they curled into claws – fingers that I had seen play the piano with such beauty so many times, hands that had touched me in gentleness and love, now reaching out to do me harm. I pushed the thought from my head as I tucked into a fast summersault, landing behind him.

I stood quickly just as he spun to face me, his gaze murderous. I side-stepped his lunge and jumped onto his back, grabbing his right arm and twisting it behind him, in a move Emmett had made me practice again and again. Edward cried out in pain, and the wound in my chest screamed out an answer to him, but I refused to give in to the agony. I leapt back, still holding tightly to his arm, landing light on my feet and hauling Edward several paces backwards, and while he was still off balance drove my shoulder hard into the middle of his back, knocking him to the ground. I landed my weight on top of him, pinning him with my knees against his shoulders, his right arm still twisted at an unnatural angle.

My breath was escaping me in ragged sobs, and the absence of my heart hammering against my ribs was disconcerting and strange against the uninterrupted wail of pain from the center of my chest. I leaned forward, trapping the man I loved, the man who had once been a god in my eyes, easily with my monstrous new strength. He whimpered at the further twisting of his shoulder joint, and I saw his jaw clench, muscles rippling beneath his stone skin.

"Please," I whispered close to his ear, the sobs making my voice hiccup and tremble. "Please, Edward, just come with me. Please, for me, _please_."

"You cannot have me, devil!" he spat, twisting his neck at what had to be a painful angle to look up at me, his black eyes filled with hate.

I leaned back, unsure of what to do, my shoulders shaking uncontrollably. And at that moment the cell phone in my pocket buzzed.

Keeping Edward's arm pinned tightly against his back, I dug in my pocket with my other hand, pulling out the little headset Jasper had given me and jamming it into my ear before pushing the small button that would answer the call.

"I have him," I gasped out between sobs.

"Are you hurt?" Jasper's voice came across the line, distorted by the subtle interference. Even through the digital buzzing, I could tell that he was angry.

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see it. "No. He tried, but… No." Not hurt in any physically discernable way, at least.

"We're on our way to you now. Can you hold him another few moments?" came Jasper's quick reply.

"Yes," I hiccupped.

"We're almost there, just hold on."

"We're in a fourth story attic," I told him then, fighting the urge to wipe my dry nose on my sleeve, as though I actually had tears to make my nose run. "I don't know how…"

"Is there a window?" Jasper asked, and outside I could hear the squeal of tires on the dew-dampened streets, still a few blocks away. "Something with a clear shot to the ground?"

I flashed back to the image of the side of the building, stored perfectly in my ridiculous brain. The balcony had been to the left of the window, the fire escape to the right. It was a straight drop down to the street. "Yes," I answered.

"If you can get him out the window, Emmett will catch you. Otherwise we'll come to you."

I nodded into the blackness of the attic, then pried the headset from my ear, keeping Jasper on the line this time. Leaning down again, I let my cheek just barely graze the skin behind Edward's ear, hoping that maybe some sort of physical contact, beyond the pain I was inflicting on his arm, would snap him out of whatever madness had seized him.

"Please, Edward," I whispered. "It's Bella." I took a deep breath and clenched my eyes shut, steeling myself for this one last, most painful attempt. "I love you. Please come home with me."

"Lies!" he snarled in response, thrashing against my hold.

Outside, the van screeched to a halt below the window, its engine growling in the pre-dawn air. I held the headset up, not bothering to put it in my ear. "We're coming down," I said simply, then pressed the button to end the call.

I stood, hauling Edward to his feet, the inches and pounds he had on me making little difference to my newborn strength. He attempted to spin out of my grasp as he stood, and while his movements were almost certainly too fast for any human to process, he seemed to me to be moving in slow motion. I grabbed his other arm easily, twisting it behind his back as well and eliciting another cry of pain from him. A ragged sob escaped me in response, my own pain far beyond words.

Still holding his arms tightly, I trudged towards the window, pushing Edward along in front of me. I turned us around when we reached it, standing between Edward and the open window. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Emmett waiting directly below, looking up at me, his arms outstretched.

"Ready when you are," he said quietly, his voice easily carrying to my ears.

Edward thrashed in my grasp, his shoulder joints grinding sickeningly. "No matter what you do to me, demon, I will never go with you!"

I closed my eyes, the pain shooting like an electric shock outward from my chest, down to my fingers and toes. "Not even for Bella?" I asked softly, referring to myself in the third person in hopes it would somehow break the spell.

"Especially not for Bella!" he growled in response.

I sighed, my chest crumbling inward, and then looked over my shoulder again, down at Emmett. At his nod, I clutched Edward to me, pinning his arms between us even as he continued to struggle, holding him in something strangely reminiscent of a hug. Pulling Edward with me, I leaned backwards out of the window and let myself fall, my feet scraping against the edge of the windowsill as we tumbled past. The empty air rushed up to meet us.


	15. Chapter 15: All Fall Down

**Chapter 15 – All Fall Down**

The wind whipped past my ears, Edward still thrashing in my arms, and we were falling, falling, away from the attic and the echoes of his hateful words, and towards the family I was about to lose. I clenched my eyes shut and held him tighter, wishing irrationally that the end of this free-fall would be the end to this horrific day – week, half-year – or if not that the ground would open up and swallow us both, and deliver us back to that one moment of peace we had known in the attic.

But Emmett caught us before we hit the ground, his solid arms curling around us in the fraction of a second before everything exploded into activity and quick, clipped phrases, against the backdrop of the van's growling engine.

"Grab him, Emmett!" Jasper snapped, the normal volume of his voice disorienting.

And then I was being pulled from between Edward and Emmett, my hands reaching blinding for Edward despite the crumbling agony in my chest. I recognized Jasper's scent, but a moment later I had been set on my feet, swaying and alone in the cool pre-dawn air. I could feel the edges of my shield closing down, the pain in my chest receding, but I fought with it desperately, my eyes still closed tightly.

Edward screamed, his voice just a few feet away and his smell still filling my head, and in a flash my entire body went numb. Alice grabbed me before I could hit the wet pavement, pulling my left arm around her shoulders and wrapping her free arm around my waist. "Stay with us here, Bella!" she trilled anxiously, barely more than a whisper.

I blinked at her, and tried to command my legs to function. Behind us, Edward screamed again, the sound at once both angry and somehow heartbroken.

"Jazz," Alice said, turning us both towards him quickly, "we're about ninety seconds away from far more attention than we want."

In my peripheral vision, I saw Jasper nod tersely, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Edward. Emmett had him in another wrestling hold, but as I watched Edward managed to free his right arm, swinging it wildly as he twisted out of his brother's grasp. His fist connected with Emmett's jaw with a sickening crunch, and then he was running. I took two steps towards him on my numb feet, Alice seeing the decision and keeping pace with me, but quick as lightning Jasper was on him, knocking him to the ground before he could get very far.

"Come on people, let's move!" Rosalie hissed from the driver's seat, revving the engine, even as Emmett rushed to join Jasper, Edward thrashing beneath them.

"Edward, relax, it's us!" Emmett said, resecuring his hold on Edward.

But Jasper shook his head quickly. "He isn't lucid. Get him into the van, we need to get out of here, _now_."

As Jasper and Emmett lifted Edward and started for the van, Alice tightened her hold around my waist and hauled me behind her into the passenger seat, reaching across me to pull the door closed just as Jasper climbed in through the sliding side door after Emmett and pulled it closed as well.

"Rose, get us to the airport, as quickly as you can," Jasper said from behind us, his voice tense.

Rosalie nodded, shifting the van into gear. "Buckle up you two," she growled at Alice and I, already racing through the narrow streets, "we don't have time for you to go flying through the windshield." I fumbled with the shoulder strap before pulling it across myself and handing it to Alice. She snapped it into the buckle, securing us both to the single seat. My mind spun uselessly, and I wondered if a seat belt would be enough to stop the forward motion of a person made of stone.

Behind me, Edward had gone strangely silent – probably due to Jasper's influence. As the eerie silence stretched on, punctuated only by the growling of the van's engine, I risked a glance over my shoulder. Emmett had Edward pinned to the bare floor of the van, and Jasper was crouched over him, his hands on either side of Edward's head. I looked away quickly, not wanting to see his the expression on his face.

"Alice?" Jasper asked, his voice implying an unspoken question.

"Yes, call them now," she replied after a brief pause. "You'll only be able to keep him calm for the next few minutes, so it's now or not at all."

"Alright," Jasper replied, a grimace evident in his tone. "Emmett, call Esme and Carlisle, tell them to get the plane ready. We can't risk getting trapped here by the sun rising. And tell them I'll need Carlisle in the cargo bay with us, so Rosalie will have to copilot."

Outside the windshield the sky was already a pale purple, dawn barely more than half an hour away. Twenty minutes back to the airport at the speed Rosalie was driving, then a fifteen hour flight to Seattle, and the drive to Forks… I had less than a day left with the Cullens, all told. I might be able to prolong that into two days, maybe three, but ultimately I couldn't stay if Edward didn't want me…

"Yes, we have both of them," Emmett said into the phone, his voice breaking into my thoughts.

_Both of them_. Had they thought it was a real possibility, then, returning without either of us?

"What the hell happened in there?" Jasper asked me, his voice ragged with anxiety, as soon as Emmett had snapped his cell phone shut.

"I don't know," I replied quickly, twisting in my seat to look over my shoulder at him – but my gaze was instantly drawn to Edward. He was completely motionless, his face eerily blank and his eyes gazing unseeingly at the ceiling. I squeezed my eyes shut and spun back around, not opening them until I was facing front.

"Was he conscious at all?" Jasper's voice came from behind me again. "Did he talk to you?"

I nodded, still looking forward. "When I first got there, he seemed fine. But when I said it was time to go, he… _flipped out_," I said, unable to find a better way to describe what had happened.

"What did he say? It's very important."

"He called me a demon," I replied in a small voice, "and said I couldn't trick him."

On the far side of Alice, Rosalie growled, her voice in harmony with the van's engine, and took the next corner even faster than she had taken the last several. I clung to the door handle, simultaneously wishing for a close to this terrible day, and that these last few hours I had left with the Cullens would never end.

"Jazz, do you smell it?" Alice asked, turning to look behind us, her voice anxious. I clenched my jaw and continued to stare out the windshield, watching the city rush by around us in the pre-dawn light, but my entire body was straining to turn back towards Edward.

Jasper grunted an affirmation. "I was worried he would do something like that. Idiot."

"Do something like _what_?" I ground out in a choked whisper, my chest seizing. I forced air into my lungs, trying to smell whatever it was Alice and Jasper were talking about – but I could only smell Edward, and faintly beneath his scent, each of the others.

"He stopped feeding, probably months ago," Jasper replied. "When a vampire goes too long without feeding, they can enter a state of… temporary insanity. The body actually starts to consume itself, which is what creates that burning smell."

I twisted around before I could stop myself. "Burning smell?" I gaped at him.

Jasper looked up at me, his hands still braced at Edward's temples. "You can't smell it?"

I shook my head. "No! He just smells like… Edward."

"She wouldn't be able to smell it, Jazz," Alice said, looking over her shoulder at him again, and clinging to the seat as Rose took another corner too fast. "It would be secondary at best."

Jasper looked up as though a thought had just occurred to him, his eyes darting from me to Alice and back again, both of us still twisted to look at him. "Good," he said finally, nodding once. "That's one piece of good news today, at least," he muttered, turning his attention back to Edward.

Before I could question Jasper further, Edward screamed again, the sound ripping through the van, tearing at the edges of my psyche and blistering the hole in my chest. Another scream followed, trailing off into a pitiful wail.

It was only when Alice's arms closed vice-like around me that I realized I had been trying to claw my way over the seat to get to Edward.

"Bella, your shield!" Jasper hissed at me from between clenched teeth.

"Right, sorry," I ground out, snapping my emotional shield into place to spare him from the extra weight of my pain.

Behind me, Edward screamed again, and Alice's arms came up to encircle me before I could react, hugging me to her chest.

"Can't you do anything else to help him?" I half-sobbed, turning to look over the seat at Jasper again. He was still crouched over Edward, while Emmett tried to hold him still. Edward's body was contorted, his back arching off the ground, and his breath coming in ragged, pained gasps.

Jasper shook his head. "I'm manipulating his emotions as much as I dare. If I push any harder, he might pass out."

"Is that a bad thing?" I asked, my hands spasming around Alice's arms.

"I don't know. Without Carlisle here, I'm not anxious to try—"

The rest of his sentence was cut off by another scream, and the stone-on-metal sound of Edward's heels scraping against the floor of the van. I hid my face against Alice's shoulder and wailed, pouring every unspeakable emotion into that single note.

"Rosalie!" Jasper bellowed over me, and despite my shield being closed I heard my own pain reflected back in his voice.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Rose snapped back. "We're within the city limits, and I don't think we want to risk getting pulled over for speeding right about now!"

"You're fine for the next four miles," Alice said, her voice steady near my ear, even as I continued to cry, "and then there's a building on the left with a balcony facing the street, and there's a police car in the alley just beyond it. After that we're clear until the airport."

Rosalie muttered under her breath, but pushed the van still faster. Edward screamed again, and my unending wail climbed in pitch – like a boiling tea kettle, I needed some way to release the pain, as my chest caved inwards and my shield closed down tight, making even thought difficult.

And then over the roar of the engine and the white-noise hum of my shield and the high-pitched sound of my own keening, I realized I could discern words in Edward's screams. Not words, one word. What had been animalistic cries of pain now sounded distinctly like a single word repeated again and again.

My name.

"He's asking for me," I muttered into Alice's shirt, my wail ending abruptly. I sat up quickly, concentrating on the sound of Edward's voice and trying to silence the buzzing in my head.

"_Bella!_" he cried again, the syllables mangled in another scream. My hands were already moving, reaching across Alice to the seat belt buckle, strangely concerned in that moment with, of all things, not hurting the kidnap-mobile Rosalie had put so much work into.

"Is that really a good idea?" Emmett asked from the back of the van.

"It's definitely what he wants," Jasper said – I concentrated on trying to hit the little metal button with just enough force to release the belt, but not enough to crush it – "but I wasn't sure it would be beneficial for either of them."

"Keep up the emotional pressure and they'll both be fine," Alice replied, swatting my hand out of the way and releasing the buckle for me.

I all but flew to the back of the van as soon as I was free of the seat belt, careening into the driver's side wall as I leapt over Jasper, and then dropping to my knees on the floor beside him, the van rocking on its springs in response to my movement. Jasper's hands were still braced on either side of Edward's head, his palms against Edward's temples and his fingers splayed through his hair, and I wondered fleetingly if the physical contact helped amplify Jasper's gift.

Edward screamed again, my name tearing out of him in inhuman screeches, his body arching off the ground and his heels scraping divots into the van's floor. But I saw it happen in slow motion, and heard it as though I was a mile away. And then I was falling, tilting to the side, sinking towards the floor, my eyes on Edward and my body limp.

Jasper caught me before I hit the ground, and gently laid me out beside Edward. Before I could process the movement, he was gone from my vision, scuttling to the far side of the van and leaving me with an unobstructed view of Edward. I blinked in one drawn out second, the world still moving in silent slow motion. Edward's head rolled to the side, coming to face me, our noses nearly touching.

In my peripheral vision I could see Jasper's hands on Edward's forehead now, continuing his emotional manipulations, and for the space of a non-existent heartbeat, I was afraid – afraid of the screams, afraid of a return of the unsettling blankness that seemed to be their only alternative.

But then Edward's eyes fluttered open, black irises finding my face, and the rest of the world ceased to exist. He smiled slightly and mouthed my name, and brought his hand up to my face, his fingers ghosting along my cheekbone. I smiled back at him, my mind a blank hum and my universe consisting of nothing but his face, and in that instant I couldn't seem to remember the agony and fear that had seemed all-consuming just a moment before.

My shield relaxed and expanded as the pain receded, and sound re-entered my personal bubble: the steady rhythm of Edward's breathing, the aggressive, anxious growl of the van's engine, the low murmur of the city waking up around us. And a faint but purposeful tapping rattling through the metal floor; my mind parsed it into words without any effort on my part.

_Careful_, Jasper tapped out in quick Morse Code patterns, _he's still not lucid. But keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be helping_.

My smile faltered, but I didn't look away from Edward. As he returned my gaze, it was easy to see that Jasper was right – Edward wasn't completely present behind his eyes.

Unwillingly I thought back to my months of nightmares, and the weeks of hallucinations that followed, the memories cloudy and indistinct. And that last day, following Edward through the forest as the venom raced through my veins. I had been so far gone by the end, his hands had felt solid under mine.

But where my questionable sanity had been caused by the pain of losing him, his was caused by some strange refusal to feed. It was simply biological for him, the end result of ignoring the imperative to drink, and the reason why no vampire, not even Carlisle, could completely abstain from blood. And Jasper had said _temporary _insanity – it could be cured, likely just by feeding again.

But as Edward reached for me, whispering my name, his dark eyes consuming me as though I was the only sustenance he would ever need, I wasn't entirely sure I _wanted_ him to recover. Once he was sane, he would remember all the reasons he left me in the first place. It was a selfish, horrible thought, but I couldn't deny that part of me wanted us to stay like this forever. I could stand the pain and the insanity if it meant he would look at me like this again.

I stared into the unending blackness of his eyes, listening as he murmured my name over and over, and pulled my shield tight around me. In this moment, Edward appeared to love me, and I appeared to have a family. Both were lies, and both would end all too soon. But for now, I would close my mind and pretend.

–o–

Even with Rosalie's frantic driving, it took us another ten minutes to reach our private hanger at the airport, and I held onto each minute greedily, refusing to think about the past or the future, or anything other than this moment. Edward continued to stare at me and whisper my name, his fingertips dancing across my face, but in the back of my mind I knew he didn't really see me.

I wondered fleetingly what this seemed like to him, what amnesia or insanity led him to stare like that at the girl he had grown bored of six months earlier, even while his family forcibly kidnapped him. But I pushed the thought behind my shield and focused on the way he was looking at me, the way my name sounded as he crooned it softly, and all the tones and shades and depths of his voice that I hadn't been able to hear as a human. I would keep those minutes with me throughout all the long, lonely years of eternity.

The van rocked to a halt all too soon, and the whirling roar of our plane's engines intruded into the false reality I had so carefully constructed. I sighed, knowing my time was up, and reached out to touch Edward's hair, just once before it all ended, brushing it back from his forehead. It was even softer than I remembered it under my smooth fingertips, and my eyes pricked and burned at the dim memory.

He smiled at me, that perfect crooked half smile that I remembered from my fading past life, and for just a moment we were back in the meadow, when everything was new and frightening and wonderful. I smiled back at him, my mouth curving in slow motion, and feeling strangely light, wished I could die, right there in his smile.

"Can he walk, you think?" I heard Emmett ask, his voice like an evaporating nightmare. Edward gave no indication he had heard him.

"I doubt it," Jasper replied, equally as incorporeal. My mind translated the words into Morse Code by reflex, not out of any need but simply because it was Jasper and that was the natural state of Jasper's words.

Footsteps were approaching from outside, the van door was sliding open, stone bodies scuffling gently against steel, and still I stared at Edward, my mind suspended in this last moment between us, my body weightless.

"I'll carry him up so Rosie can get the van situated," Emmett said, a million miles away, and in my head the shuddering sound of sand slipping through an hourglass trickled to a stop.

"Wait, Emmett, no!" Alice cried, her voice painfully close, shattering into my dream world.

But Emmett was already reaching for Edward, lifting him out of the van and cradling him against his chest like a sleeping child. He stepped back, turning towards Alice's voice with a questioning look on his face, but as he did Edward began to scream, that same animalistic cry of agony, thrashing in Emmett's arms and reaching for me.

I froze in place there on the floor of the van, my arm still partially extended towards Edward, my entire body going numb again and the white noise of my shield melding with the roar of the jet engines overhead.

The footsteps were running now, approaching quickly.

"Edward!" Esme cried. I could see her in my peripheral vision, but I couldn't seem to drag my eyes away from Edward.

"How long has he been like this?" Carlisle asked, his voice cutting across Edward's continued screams.

"Since we got to him at least," Jasper replied. "I managed to calm him down for part of the drive back here, but he was fighting me the entire time."

"We need to be past the control tower and on the runway within the next five minutes or we'll be taking off directly into the sunrise – we'll be stuck here until dark," Alice trilled, anxiety distending her words.

"Rose, get the van secured," Jasper said, his tone resonant with military authority. "You're on co-pilot duty with Esme."

"Hold on, Bella," Rosalie growled at me, shifting the van back into gear and pulling quickly but carefully into the cargo bay of the plane.

"Will he be alright?" I heard Esme ask as Edward slid out of my field of view.

"He will be, my darling," Carlisle answered her, his voice low. "We just need to get him home." I blotted out their words with white noise as we drove past.

Rosalie pulled the van into position and cut the engine, then hopped out and started connecting it to its moorings. Knowing I needed to be out of the van before we could take off, I began to pry at the edges of my shield, willing my body to move; but outside Edward screamed again, the sound reverberating off the metal walls of the plane, and I collapsed inward. I could hear Esme in the cockpit, Rose working her way around the van, and the others calling to each other in frantic tones, but I refused to let my mind make sense of it. Each word simply hurt too much.

The metal-on-metal clinking of the hardware holding the van down quieted, and then Rosalie climbed in through the open sliding door. She sat down on the floor beside me, and as I tried to force my lungs to function, to tell her that Esme must need her in the cockpit, she silently gathered me up in her arms, pulling my limp body towards her and holding me tightly.

"Look on the bright side," she said, rocking me a little, her voice low near my ear. "At least you won't have to talk me out of kicking his butt. He seems to be doing a pretty good job torturing himself all on his own. If I kicked his ass now, I doubt he'd even notice!"

Whatever vampiric muscle had replaced my diaphragm contracted, and I snorted out the small amount of air that still remained in my lungs, the sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. I ordered my arms to move, pushing past the lethargy of my shield and managing to wrap them around Rosalie and squeeze her gently. She hummed tonelessly in my ear, and I knew she understood everything I was unable to say.

Outside the van, just a few feet away, Edward screamed, the sound dying away to a heart-wrenching cry. I flinched, but forced my shield to remain open, my arms twitching with the mental effort.

"Rose, sweetheart?" Esme called, her voice only barely above conversational levels, despite the roar of the jet engines. I could hear the pain and anxiety clearly in her tone.

She hugged me fiercely one more time, and then we were moving, Rosalie standing and lifting me out of the van.

The others were clustered in the portion of the cargo bay not occupied by the van, Emmett and Jasper holding Edward while Carlisle tried to examine him; at the back of the plane, Alice stood at the control panel, closing the bay doors but looking fretfully back towards the others. Rosalie set me on my feet, gave Emmett and Jasper each a significant look, and then flitted to the cockpit, her flight preparation noises soon joining Esme's.

I swayed in place, my eyes once again locked onto Edward's face. It was contorted in pain, tendons standing out on his neck as he strained against Emmett's hold and Jasper's influence. Behind me, the cargo bay doors closed with an ominous clang, but before the echoes had a chance to ricochet off the far wall, Alice was at my side, her gaze also trained on the group of men in front of us. The floor lurched slightly beneath our feet, and then the plane was rolling slowly out of the hanger. Pale gray light filtered in from the cockpit.

"Edward? Son, can you hear me?" Carlisle asked, his hands on Edward's shoulders.

Edward snarled something in Portuguese, and thrashed in Emmett's grip.

"Three months at least, possibly longer," Carlisle said to Jasper then, and I realized belatedly that I must have missed the first part of their conversation. "It will take a few feedings for him to recover, but the damage can be reversed."

"Two minutes until sunrise," Alice said, her voice strangely level and her gaze far away.

"Strap in back there!" Rosalie called. "We're moving as soon as the tower clears us!"

"What are the chances we can actually get him to sit still long enough to take off?" Emmett asked, his body automatically shifting to counteract Edward's continued struggles.

"Slim to none," Alice replied, her eyes refocusing. "And the chances are very good he'll punch a hole in the side of the plane before we reach cruising altitude."

"The van?" Jasper asked, clearly looking for an alternative way to secure Edward.

Alice nodded, crossing to the fold out bench that ran along one wall of the cargo hold.

As the others began moving Edward towards the van, I stood frozen in the middle of the floor, uncertain which way to go. The calm, sensible part of my brain told me to go sit with Alice and buckle in for takeoff. But on an irrational, emotional level, being back in the van with Edward seemed like the best possible option, holding the promise of perhaps one more stolen moment…

When Edward reached for me as his brothers pulled him into the van, my name carried on a gasping, strangled cry, my mind was made up. I followed them without feeling the ground under my feet, climbing in through the sliding door of the van and pulling it shut behind me.

Carlisle glanced up at me as the van rocked on its springs, his eyes wide with worry. "Bella, are you sure…?" he started to ask, but Jasper cut him off with a quick shake of his head.

"She's what he wants, so it can only help," he said, climbing over Emmett to find a better position in the small space, as Edward continued to babble my name. "Shield open," he added quietly, meeting my eyes briefly before turning back to Edward.

I nodded once, then sank to my knees with my back to the closed sliding door, as together they forced Edward to the floor of the van. He strained against them, trying to reach for me, and around us the plane began to accelerate.

"Shhh, I'm here," I whispered, leaning towards him, locking the words away from my conscious mind as soon as they were said. I knew it would hurt later, but for now, I ignored my instincts for self-preservation and pushed forward.

He seemed to relax as I spoke, no longer fighting against his family and dropping back against the metal floor of the van. "Are you here or am I there?" he asked after a moment, his voice barely more than a harsh rush of air.

I hesitated, unsure of what he meant. "I'm here," I reiterated, lowering myself to the floor as well and rolling on my side to face him. "Your family is here too, Edward," I added, painfully aware of our audience.

He shook his head and closed his eyes. "No," he said simply.

Jasper had positioned his hands on Edward's forehead again, and I glanced up at him for guidance. He motioned me on with a flick of his head.

"They're here," I said again, searching for the words that would make him understand. "They came to find you, to take you back to Forks."

He was still for a moment, and I held my breath, wondering if he was finally coming around. I could feel the plane gaining speed, wheels rushing down the runway and sending tremors through the floor, through the van's frame, and into our stone bodies.

His eyes drifted open and he turned his dark, wild gaze towards me. "I can't go back," he said, his tone suddenly hard, angry. "I won't."

"Edward," Carlisle said then, leaning over him, "son, it's time to go home." As he spoke, the ground dropped away beneath us, and we were airborne. _Home._

But Edward's eyes were still on me, and I recoiled as his expression turned murderous.

"Bella, get out of the van!" Jasper snapped suddenly.

I was already fumbling for the door handle as Edward lunged towards me, straining against Emmett and Jasper. The van door slid open and I tumbled out onto the steeply slanting floor, scuttling backwards towards Alice as the plane continued to gain altitude. Edward roared, his eyes still trained on me, and behind me I heard Alice unlatch her seatbelt.

"You cannot have her!" Edward yelled, thrashing in Emmett's grip. Alice's arms wrapped around me, pulling me to my feet and backing me further away from the van.

"Edward!" Carlisle admonished, his voice barely cutting through the noise.

"He's too far gone," Jasper replied, shaking his head. "If I manipulate his emotions further, I might be able to make him pass out. Is it safe, do you think?"

"And if you reduce your influence?" Carlisle asked. "Will he wake up?"

"I _think_ so. I've never tried before."

"_BELLA!_" Edward screamed then, and in spite of myself I lurched forward, pulling Alice with me.

"Do it," Carlisle said over the dying notes of Edward's cry. "We'll monitor him to be sure."

Jasper nodded, repositioning his hands on Edward's forehead and lowering his head in concentration.

My shield was closing down around me, and as I fought to keep it open, a memory slipped through, unbidden, unwanted.

"_Don't worry," _Edward's voice rang in my head, garbled and clouded from that time before._ "You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for you kind."_

And now that I was no longer human, now that my memory was _perfect_ – what did that mean for these wounds? I would keep the memory of how he looked at me, during those last moments of the drive here, with me for however long I roamed the earth. But I would also keep these minutes, and Edward's roaring cries, in my perfect memory forever.

"_I WILL NOT!_" Edward bellowed from within the van, and my shield surged, trying to close down and protect my mind from the indescribable pain radiating from the center of my chest.

"Alice," Jasper gasped, his voice strangled, looking up at her desperately. "I can't—not with both of them—"

Her arms were still wrapped around me, and she squeezed me tightly for just a moment. "You _will_ be alright," she whispered in my ear, steady and confident. She kissed my cheek, and then flitted across the narrow space separating us from the van, climbing in and tucking herself under Jasper's arm. He relaxed visibly, though his attention was still on Edward.

I stared at them, still straining to keep my shield open, to retain control over my body. Alice was Jasper's mate, his partner, his calm in the storm. He was in pain, and he turned to _her_, drew his strength from her, from their bond. Her, above all others. I looked at them, and I saw what my childish heart hadn't even realized it wanted, all those months ago, before my life ended: An undying marriage. Forever with the man I loved. To be one flawed half of a partnership that would make us both better people, that would grow stronger as all the years of eternity slid past.

Edward screamed, the sound miles away, and of their own accord my eyes moved from the huddled forms of Alice and Jasper to the boy stretched out on the floor in front of them. All I had wanted was to be to Edward what Alice was to Jasper, and he had walked away like it meant nothing.

My love for Edward was written on my bones – I could feel it there better than I could feel my own limbs, as my shield struggled to wrap around me – and I would carry it with me forever.

He screamed again, and my whole body flinched. The pain of my transformation, the pain of being abandoned, of all these months… It was nothing compared to this. Hearing him scream and being unable to help him, and knowing that these would be my clearest memories of him, forever, was like every pain I had ever known piled together, compounded.

And in the distance, Edward continued to scream.

"Jasss…" I whispered, my voice slurring around his name as my chest crumbled in on itself. I was standing on the edge of a cliff as a dark ocean opened up beneath me, ready to swallow me whole…

Jasper looked up at me, his eyes wide with worry, his hands still on Edward's forehead while Carlisle and Emmett tried to subdue his thrashing, and Alice still tucked into the curve of his body.

"Edward, for Bella's sake—" Carlisle started, but Edward cut him off with a snarl.

"For _her_ sake?" he yelled, pulling against his brothers and leaning towards Carlisle menacingly. "You cannot trick me, demon! I will never go back to Bella!"

A shockwave of pain rippled out from the center of my chest, knocking my feet out from under me. I hit the ground hard, my body sliding a few feet towards the back of the plane, the floor still tilted steeply.

_Make it stop!_ I flickered at Jasper as my eyes slid closed.

"Bella, I'm trying," came his whispered reply, nearly drowned out by another bone-shattering scream.

_Make the pain stop_, I pleaded with him. I couldn't breathe if I wanted to, couldn't move or open my eyes or make my mouth form the words. _Please_, I thought, unsure of whether or not I had even managed to flicker my shield at him.

And then he was there, his large, scarred hands on my face. Soldier's hands. My brother's hands.

Edward was still screaming in the distance.

_I can't take it anymore, I can't I can't I can't!_

"Shhh," Jasper murmured, smoothing my hair back from my face. "Just relax, don't fight it. Let your shield close. I'll wake you up when we get home."

And then everything went away.


	16. Chapter 16: Bliss

**Chapter 16 – Bliss**

I was suspended in a state of supremely calm bliss, the world around me reduced to a comforting white glow. Time had no meaning, and while I was aware that I hadn't always been here, I couldn't seem to remember where I had been just before. The memories were there, but pushing against the soft brightness threatened the peace and restfulness of my euphoria, and so instead I relaxed into it, letting the quiet radiance seep into my bones, until the world was lost to me completely.


	17. Chapter 17: Dodo, L'Enfant Do

**Chapter 17 – Dodo, L'Enfant Do**

My mind lagged behind my senses as I climbed slowly from unconsciousness, gradually becoming aware of the world again. Smooth fingers slid through my hair in a soothing rhythm, and over the roar of the jet engines I could hear Esme singing softly in French.

_I'll have to get around to learning French one of these days,_ my brain spit out, incongruous of everything.

…The roar of the jet engines – we weren't home yet, then. But wasn't Esme flying the plane…?

I slipped backwards, and consciousness was lost to me again.


	18. Chapter 18: Shadow Of The Day

**Chapter 18 – Shadow of the Day **

"Where is he?" I murmured, my mouth forming the soul-deep question before my brain was even awake. "Where's Edward?"

"He's asleep," my mother's voice answered softly, her fingers dragging slowly, comfortingly through my hair.

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, though I hadn't yet opened them. Hallucination or twisted memory, I couldn't tell. I needed something solid and real to banish visions of a Phoenix hospital from behind my eyelids.

_Jazz?_ I flickered my shield, my eyes still closed.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Jasper sighed, his voice bouncing off metal walls from a few feet away. He sounded exhausted, his accent stronger than I had ever heard it. "I tried to keep you both out, but with the fight Edward put up…"

Letting my head roll to the side, I blinked my eyes open in the direction of his voice. He and Alice were curled up against the opposite bulkhead, a tangle of arms and legs. Jasper clung to his wife like a life preserver, his cheek nestled into her wild spikes of hair.

My senses were still waking up, and I slowly became aware that someone was cradling my head as I laid stretched out on the bench against the right wall of the plane. I turned my head again, looking up, and Esme smiled down at me sweetly, if a bit sadly. She was the one who had answered my initial question, I realized – Esme-mother, not Renée-mother, my mind clarified.

"Where are we?" I asked. My head felt like cotton candy.

"Over the Caribbean," Esme replied. "Rosalie and Carlisle can handle the plane for a little while. I needed to come check on you and Edward – though Rose is quite concerned about you as well," she added, smiling softly.

I nodded absently, my gaze drifting towards the van secured to the floor in the middle of the cargo bay, all its doors open and Emmett perched in the passenger seat. Through the open sliding door I could just make out Edward. His eyes were closed, his body relaxed, and a serene smile hovered at the corner of his lips.

"Is he… like I was?" I asked, turning back to Jasper.

He nodded tiredly in response, ruffling Alice's hair with the movement. "I haven't done that in nearly a century, and I've never tried to bring someone back from it… What is it like?" he asked, and beneath his exhaustion I could hear a hint of genuine curiosity.

"It's like… pillows," I said, smiling and closing my eyes again. "Like a perfect lazy morning where you lie in bed and everything is wonderful. Light and peace and the absence of everything else."

"Huh," Jasper sighed, and through some combination of the tone of his voice and his unique gift, I knew that the answer satisfied and comforted him on a deep, unspoken level.

I turned my head to stare at Edward again. Even knowing firsthand the effects of what Jasper could do, Edward's stillness was disconcerting.

"How long was I out for?" I asked, wondering fleetingly if being turned so recently made me more able to cope with this strange form of unconsciousness. What would it be like to sleep for the first time in almost a hundred years?

"Several hours all told," Jasper replied, his voice partially muffled by Alice's hair.

I heard whispered murmurings and a seatbelt unlatch from the direction of the cockpit, and then Carlisle joined us in the cargo hold.

"You may be the first vampire in history to wake up from a nap, Bella," he said, smiling in his gentle way. "How do you feel?"

"Fine," I said, sitting up to allow Esme to return to the vacated pilot's chair. She paused along the way to kiss Edward's forehead, and again to squeeze Carlisle's hand, before continuing towards the cockpit. "Maybe a little groggy still," I continued, "but not as bad as waking up in the hospital, say."

Carlisle nodded, crossing the cargo bay towards me. Sitting on the bench beside me, he examined my eyes and my hands thoroughly, as though I was still a fragile human who might need stitches, rather than an immortal made of stone who couldn't possibly exhibit any symptoms.

"And your memory?" he asked when he had finished his physical inspection.

I thought back to before the white euphoria – begging Jasper to make the pain stop, the moments in the van, the attic, the rush to get to Edward, the fear that he might try to commit suicide, the planning before that, Jacob, Denali, the river… "All crystal clear," I told him.

He nodded again. "Hopefully Edward will wake up as easily."

"I should be able to keep him out until we get back to Forks," Jasper supplied in a near-drawl. "The familiar surroundings might help when he comes around. But given that Bella is a newborn, and the way that her own gift was trying to knock her out, it's hard to say how different it will be for Edward."

I stared across the empty feet separating me from Edward, and wondered what form bliss took for him. Was I there with him, a ghost in his head? Or was his euphoria a world without me?

And what would I do if it was?

–o–

The flight back to Washington was significantly less tense than the flight to Rio de Janeiro had been. The others seemed subdued, talking quietly, moving little, often just sitting silently with their spouse. I could tell Edward's outbursts weighed on each of them heavily.

I talked more with Jasper about the feeling of unconsciousness, and gratefully laid my head on Rosalie's shoulder when she returned from the cockpit. Alice discussed her lesson plan to help me study for the math portion of the GED, though I hardly saw the point in it anymore, and Emmett taught me jokes in Spanish and helped with my pronunciation, while Esme and Carlisle talked quietly in the cockpit. All in an effort, it seemed, to avoid the elephant in the room – the comatose boy in the van, and exactly what would happen once he was awake and sane again.

As North Carolina receded behind us, I climbed into the van and sat watching him, trying to fix this image of him in my mind, over the memories of shouting, snarling, lunging. He looked so young laying there, his face smooth, his eyelids closed peacefully and a content smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, his bronze hair awry. Childlike, almost, and yet behind that façade was a man who had seen more than a century pass. How much would the next hundred years change me, while my body remained frozen at eighteen?

The answer, I realized, depended somewhat on what Edward decided, once he had fed and regained his sanity. If he didn't want me, I wouldn't stay, as hard as it would be to be separated from the Cullens. I had expected to know by now, had expected him to reject me as soon as he saw me. And yet, he hadn't. Every word he had said since I climbed through that attic window raced through my mind in a matter of milliseconds, and though my memory was clear, his meaning was not. Which should I believe – the way he reached for me and murmured my name, or his savage cries of _demon_ and refusal to return to Forks, even for me?

I would have to ask him, when he was once again lucid. I wouldn't, couldn't stay if he rejected me again, but the way he looked at me as we lay in the van had planted a seed of hope, and I knew I wouldn't be able to leave until Edward told me himself that I had no place in his life.

–o–

We landed in Seattle shortly before four in the afternoon, daylight beginning to fade behind the ever-present cloud cover and the roadways thick with humans, slowing our return drive to Forks. We inched along in our two cars through the rush hour traffic of Seattle and then Tacoma, then north along the edge of the peninsula before swinging west to the winding, green stretches of the 101, each mile feeling more like home. As the larger towns fell away behind us, we relied on Alice's visions to warn us of traffic cops, speeding without headlights through the darkening passages in between. It didn't scare me as it once had.

The white house in the forest was somehow luminescent as we rounded the last bend in the drive, and I felt myself relax, nearly drooping in my seat. As Rosalie pulled the van in beside Esme's sedan, I looked over my shoulder at where Carlisle and Jasper sat on the floor of the van with Edward stretched out between them, his eyes still closed.

I had brought him home, back to his family. Whatever happened now, I had done what I had promised.

–o–

Emmett and Carlisle carried Edward slowly up to his bedroom, the rest of us trailing along behind silently. I hovered in the doorway of Edward's room, just out of reach of the golden carpet, as they laid him out on the black leather couch under the window. Here in this house where no one ever slept, he seemed deathly still, and the hole in my chest smothered the air out of my lungs.

Carlisle took a deep breath and exhaled it audibly, turning to Jasper, his worry visible in the set of his shoulders. "Any reason to put this off any longer?" he asked Jasper.

Jasper shook his head, and though his back was to me, I knew he was acutely aware of my emotions. "The sooner the better," he answered, as Esme crossed the room to join her husband by Edward's side. "I'll try to bring him out even slower than I did with Bella," Jasper continued, "but we should be prepared for him to be disoriented and upset."

Carlisle nodded, and as Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and I stood watching, Jasper grew very still. On the couch, Edward shifted slightly, the first sign of life I had seen from him in nearly eighteen hours, and if I had had any breath left in my lungs, I would have held it.

Slowly, slowly, across seconds that stretched into millennia, Edward finally opened his eyes. He blinked once, staring up at the distant ceiling, then turned his head to the side, looking at Carlisle.

"Father," he said quietly. His face was smooth and impassive, hardly more expressive than it had been while he was unconscious.

"Son," Carlisle replied, smiling gently.

Edward's expression didn't change, and his gaze moved to Esme, then Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett, lingering a moment on each. He looked at me last, but his eyes cut quickly away.

"We're home?" he asked, looking back at Carlisle.

Carlisle nodded as Esme said, "It was time for you to come home. We missed you so."

His gaze flickered back to me and then away again, and he closed his eyes. "Send me back," he said, his voice gravely, and I wondered fleetingly if he meant to Rio de Janeiro, or to the blissful nothingness of Jasper's influence.

"Edward—" Carlisle started, but an angry shake of Edward's head cut him off.

The tension was thick in the room, each of the Cullens poised for another outburst, but Edward merely opened his eyes and gazed around at each of them again. When he came to me, he lingered, his dark eyes unreadable.

"Take me back," he whispered, still looking directly at me.

I stared back at him, not even daring to move, the hole in my chest still crushing the air out of me. The double meanings of his words clashed in my head, warring for dominance. He couldn't possibly be asking me to allow him back into my life, could he? The idea was dizzying.

But his eyes slid closed again, and the moment was gone. My chest crumbled inwards. Of course he hadn't been asking me to take him back.

"We brought you home because you need to be here," Carlisle was saying. "The reason you left—"

Edward sucked a quick breath in through his teeth and Jasper's shoulders went rigid, and instantly tension filled the room again, vampire bodies coiled to strike, to restrain, to protect. I clung to the doorframe.

"I don't want— I can't—" Edward ground out finally, his hands balling into fists at his side.

"Son, when was the last time you fed?" Carlisle asked softly.

"I don't know," Edward replied, shaking his head, his fists relaxing. "Before the new year, before Christmas, maybe. I don't know. It doesn't matter."

"This will all make more sense once you've fed," Carlisle said.

Edward shook his head again. "I won't."

"You will," Alice trilled suddenly from her spot just a few feet ahead of me. "You will, and you won't whine about it, or so help me, Rosalie and I will kick your ass into the next century."

The corner of his mouth hitched up in a half smile for his favorite sister, involuntary and in spite of himself, and the tension again began to ease.

In that instant I suddenly felt very out of place, standing in the doorway looking in on the scene. What right did I have to intrude on this family, to try to worm my way in? I took a step back from the doorway, and then another. It was his family, not mine. I had been with them for less than a week, but he had been a Cullen for nearly a hundred years.

I turned and fled down the hall with silent steps, letting myself into the little room I had come to think of as mine, mentally thanking Esme's meticulous housekeeping for the perfect quiet of the hinges as I shut the door behind me, leaving the Cullens clustered around Edward, a dozen feet and an eternity away. I curled up on the fainting couch and let my shield wrap around me until the murmur of voices melded with the tapping of the rain on the window pane.

–o–

The buzzing numbness of my shield was nothing like the euphoric void Jasper had created for me on the plane, but it was an escape from the searing pain in my chest, at least. It allowed the hours to slide by unnoticed, punctuated only by occasional surges of emotion from Jasper – a swell of comfort, of concern, like distant hugs. They let me relax further into my shield, and I flickered my thanks at him.

Shortly before three in the morning, as the rain lashed at my window, the door of my room swung silently open, and the light from the hallway briefly silhouetted Alice and Rosalie before the door closed behind them. I blinked slowly, but couldn't shake myself out of my shield enough to look up at them, much less greet them or ask them why they had come.

They crossed the room noiselessly, Alice climbing onto the couch behind me and Rosalie settling herself at my feet. Before I could pry my shield back to speak, Alice had produced a brush and started pulling it slowly through my hair, and Rosalie had started unlacing my shoes. She pulled them off, followed by my socks – the same I had been wearing since before we left for Rio de Janeiro, I realized.

"One of the few upsides to being a vampire," Rosalie said into the silence as she set my socks aside, "is that you will never stink." She smiled sardonically up at me.

Alice's brush strokes were lulling me into a further calm, but as my shield began to relax, I managed to offer Rose a small smile in return.

"How is he?" I asked some time later, as Rosalie painted my toenails and Alice coaxed my hair into ringlets. The small, unfocused part of my brain that was still human knew this would have aggravated me in my previous life, but the rest of me knew this was different, somehow. I wasn't a toy to be played with, a living doll to be dressed up. I was a sister to be comforted, and the knowledge only made the thought of leaving the Cullens that much harder.

"Stubborn," Alice said in reply to my question, her voice subdued. "Confused. And refusing to hunt."

"Emmett and Jasper have gone to find something for him," Rose added. "Maybe the idiot will feed if it's right in front of him. Speaking of, when was the last time _you_ fed, missy?" she asked, jabbing the nail polish brush at me.

I drew in breath to form an excuse, and then realized with a start that my footrace and subsequent hunt with Emmett had been less than four days ago. As my mind wrestled with all that had happened in the past few days, Alice spoke up.

"You and Jasper will go hunting later today," she said, her tone firm and decided rather than the dream-like quality it had when she spoke from within a vision. "You may be having an easier time of this than most, but remember not to push your limits too far."

What could this have been like, I wondered silently, if Edward hadn't grown bored with me? If he had relented and changed me, or let the venom take its course in Phoenix? What would my first week as a vampire have been like, if Edward still loved me?

Rosalie snorted at Alice's comment, unaware of my internal struggles. "You do seem to have avoided the wild woman phase," she said to me. "But in case it comes on late: shoes when you hunt. No excuses. This polish is _pristine_."

I looked down at her handiwork, wiggling my bare toes a little. My toenails were now a deep, dark crimson, stark against my pale white skin. Probably the same color as my eyes.

"Fingers too?" I asked quietly, holding up a hand.

She looked annoyed for a moment, but I could tell from the set of her mouth that it was just an act. "Only if you promise not to chip it on some bear or mountain lion," she replied with a sniff, and then took my hand and set to work before I could reply.

Every part of this life would have been different, if Edward hadn't left. It was like a ghost world overlaid on the real world, the _might-have-beens_. Every new experience, every obstacle, every triumph, every room in this house mimicked and mocked by the would-have-been, should-have-been.

I hadn't ever thought of myself as a woman who could be defined by the actions of a man – my mother certainly hadn't raised me to be. But I had chosen the life I wanted, and Edward had taken it all away, in one fell swoop. How could that not alter a person? How could I not see the shadows of that life everywhere I looked?

And yet. And yet I hadn't died when Edward left. I had continued on, however ruined and numb, and fallen into immortality anyway. And I knew now that I was strong enough to endure the worst kinds of pain, strong enough to make a plan and see it through, whatever the cost.

What if _this_ life had been a ghost world overlaid on the should-have-been life? Would I have mourned that I had never gotten to know this strength inside of me, as I mourned Edward's absence in my life now? Would I have missed the Cullens as I knew them now, seen the shadows of these relationships lingering behind the might-have-been?

How could I wish this away? I never would have really known Rosalie in that other life, known her as this wonderful, flawed woman, who showed her love through action, whose fierce loyalty underlined every moment of her life. Or known Alice's patience, her worry, her regret, hidden behind bright smiles and easy laughs, or known the difference between being her doll, and being her sister.

Or known Jasper, with his depths of emotion, his miles of concern, steady and solid and everlasting. His influence reached out to me again, from somewhere beyond the house, and reminded me, in the quiet musical phrases of his gift, that I was not alone. I never would have known Emmett's footraces and easy dissection of right and wrong, or Esme's frequent touches, seated in the soul-deep fear of losing a child, or Carlisle's courage and unending generosity even while enduring the absence his first son. Or the way all of them looked at me first as sister and daughter, and only second as Edward's might-have-been mate.

When Edward left, he took my future family with him. But I wouldn't have known them, really _known_ them, independent of him, if he hadn't left. In that naïve, almost-was life, I wouldn't have seen the ghosts of this life, as the ghosts of that life haunted me now. But I would have missed out on so much.

And what, then, of that boy down the hall? He was insane with hunger now, but eventually he would recognize me. If he rejected me again – which I knew in the aching silence of my dead heart that he would – could I let him steal away my family a second time?

–o–

The sun rose pale behind the clouds, and I found myself wondering if I would ever get used to the seamless flow from day to night and back to day again, without sleep to break it into neat little packages. When did one date become the next, with nothing to delineate one from the other?

However the days were counted, it was Thursday now, March sixteenth. A week since I had reached Denali. Nine days since I had climbed out of the river, twelve since Laurent had attacked me.

And six months to the day since Edward had left.

Jasper and Emmett returned as the eastern sky began to lighten, and as Rosalie, Alice, and I flitted downstairs, we were greeted by scuffling sounds and low curses from the direction of the garage.

"If they scratch any of my cars, I swear to God…" Rosalie started, stalking towards the door and throwing it open. Alice and I clustered behind her and looked over her shoulder into the garage.

The scene that greeted us was beyond surreal, even by vampire standards. In the open space in the middle of the garage stood a giant stag, his antlers rising like a crown several feet above his head. Emmett had planted himself directly in front of the animal, an antler grasped in each hand, and Jasper stood behind the stag, his arms stretched wide as though trying to herd it, and behind him the automatic door was lowering closed.

My throat burned and venom began to pool in my mouth in response to the heady, warm smell of the deer. I filled my lungs with air and then stopped breathing. This was for Edward, and I would get to hunt soon enough.

"It really doesn't work on animals?" Emmett was saying, moving with the stag as it thrashed in his grasp.

"Evidently not," Jasper replied with a grimace.

"The garage, Emmett? Really?" Rosalie asked, folding her arms across her chest. "Does that seem like a good idea to you?"

"Seemed like a better idea than bringing it into the house," he replied, flashing her a dazzling grin over his shoulder.

"Wouldn't it have been easier to kill it and then bring it back?" I asked using my pent up air, wincing when the stag aimed a kick at Jasper, which he avoided neatly.

"Ewwww," Emmett said, making a face.

"Dead blood is kind of gross," Alice elaborated, also wrinkling her nose.

"We aren't carrion birds," Rose sniffed.

"So does someone want to get Eddie down here before this thing dents something I'll have to pay for later?" Emmett asked, dancing from side to side as the deer tried to shake him off.

"Esme and Carlisle are bringing him down now," Alice replied.

Not wanting to leave but also not wanting to be an obstacle in Edward's path towards food, I slipped past Rosalie and Alice, skirted around Emmett and the stag, and crossed to the far corner of the garage, where my truck was now parked, out of the direct light of the fluorescents overhead. I opened the door and climbed into the cab, sitting sideways with my legs hanging out so I could see the spectacle in the middle of the garage, and feeling irrationally comforted by the shadows.

"Here they come," Alice said, also moving out of the doorway and further into the garage, with Rosalie on her heels.

A moment later Edward appeared in the doorway, flanked by Esme and Carlisle. His face looked gaunt in the buzzing glow of the florescent lights, the shadows under his eyes more black than purple.

"What is this?" he asked, his gaze flickering across the garage. His eyes skimmed over the truck, hidden in the shadows, then darted up to me and quickly away again.

"Breakfast," Emmett grunted, not taking his eyes off the stag.

Edward's mouth formed a thin line. "Since when do we order in?"

"Son, please," Carlisle said softly from his place at Edward's elbow. "You must feed. Your body is consuming itself, to the detriment of your mind. Please, feed."

But Edward shook his head slowly, staring at the deer. "I can't," he replied, his voice strangled.

Alice stepped away from the wall, turning to face him with a stern look on her face.

"What's the point?" Edward sighed after a moment, responding to something in their silent conversation, and the hopeless tone of his voice broke my unbeating heart a little more.

She shifted her weight, glaring at him, as their strange, invisible communication continued.

"Don't _lie_!" he burst out, exasperated. "Don't lie to me, Alice," he continued, rubbing his forehead. "I can't take it."

Alice shook her head. "You aren't hearing me," she said tightly. "I can't talk to you when you're like this."

"Don't ask me to be something I'm not," he shot back.

"Eat the goddamned deer, Edward!" she snapped, hands on her hips, a diminutive vision of rage. "Eat the deer or I'll force feed it to you, do I make myself clear?"

He glared back at her, his jaw set in a stubborn line, but as the tension in the room began to mount, his eyes flickered back to me.

I held his gaze for everything I was worth and mouthed, "Please."

Edward stared at me a moment longer, then stomped down the stairs and into the garage, his eyes never leaving mine. They continued to bore into me, dark and furious, as he approached the struggling buck, only barely flickering away as he crouched to attack, and then finding me again as he wrestled the giant beast to the floor. He knelt over it, poised to strike, his gaze pinning me to my seat, and every line of him seemed to scream, _This is your fault_.

I had never seen Edward hunt, of course, and the scene unfolding before me in the garage must have been a pale shadow of how he would look in the heat of the chase. But as he moved, quick as lightning, to take the animal's life, I sucked in an involuntary breath through my teeth, the air fluttering and beating at my ribcage like the heartbeat I no longer had.

The smell of the stag's fresh-spilt blood filled my head, setting my throat aflame, but I pushed it to a far corner of my mind as I continued to gasp for shallow breaths, Edward's gaze still locked on mine. It was as though he could see right through me, see every tear I had shed, every nightmare, every hallucination since that last day in the woods, half a year ago.

But rather than sympathy, or remorse, or even pity, he looked at me with an anger bordering on hatred, his dark eyes searing into me as he drained the stag. The wound in my chest spasmed painfully, crushing the air from my lungs, and I closed my eyes against that look.

And then there was Jasper, catching me as I fell, though neither of us had moved. His emotion-music wove around me, clear and serene, propping me up, and I clung to it, flickering him my thanks.

Abruptly the smell of the stag changed, and I knew instinctively that it was well and truly dead. I opened my eyes slowly, in time to see Edward straighten to his full height over the body of the deer, not a spot of blood on him. He looked around at each of his family members, his mouth pressed into a thin line again.

"I hope you're happy now," he said to the room at large, but his eyes found mine again for one brief moment, before he stormed out of the garage.

We all stood frozen in his wake, listening to the sound of his quick footsteps up three flights of stairs, and the door to his room being closed with too much force. Esme shut her eyes, her face unspeakably sad.

"Alice?" Carlisle asked, breaking the silence that had settled over us. "Can you see anything yet? Did this help him?"

Her eyes unfocused for a moment, and then she shook her head. "I can't tell yet," she replied quietly. "No significant change in the next few hours, at least."

Carlisle nodded, pulling Esme close as she began to cry silently.

"He's gone months without feeding," Jasper said, as though any of us could have forgotten. "It's going to take more than one deer to bring him back from this."

Emmett made a disgusted noise. "We better get this out of here and make room for the second course then," he said, waving at the remains of the deer.

As Rosalie moved to open the automatic door, her expression at least as angry as Edward's had been, I sat, unable to find the strength to move, and wondered how long this could possibly go on. A second round was needed, but what if that wasn't enough? How long could they keep dragging things into the garage for him to kill? How long would he put up with their attempts?

And how much longer could I stand him looking at me with hatred burning in his eyes?

–o–

With Edward fed and the body of the deer disposed of, there was nothing left to do but wait. Vampires had a sort of digestion, Carlisle explained to me in subdued tones, a chemical process that converted the blood into energy and changed the color of the eyes, over the course of hours, if not days. Any improvement in Edward's mental state would happen gradually.

But at over three hundred and fifty years old, Carlisle's view on the days or weeks or even months it might take Edward to recover was significantly different than mine. Even Emmett was nearly ninety years old, and as we returned to the house, he, Carlisle, and the others all returned to various projects they had set aside, content to wait and see.

The very way they saw time made my skin itch with the need for it to move faster.

I climbed the stairs to the third floor slowly, my GED materials waiting on my desk where I had left them before our frantic rush to Brazil, but they seemed even less important now than they had then. Alice continued to insist that college was in my near future, but nothing could be further from my mind.

I paused at the top of the stairs, out of place and torn. To the left was my room, to the right was Edward's. Had it really only been four days ago that I had stood outside the closed door to his room, feeling that somehow it was simply a time capsule waiting to be opened, waiting to transport me six months back in time? So much had changed in those four days. How could I possibly be expected to wait out the next four, or fourteen, or forty days in some sort of preternatural stillness?

My feet took me to the right without a second thought, and as I turned the corner a sliver of golden carpet swung into my field of view, the door to Edward's room sitting just slightly ajar. In silence I crept down the hall, unsure of what I would say to him but knowing I had to _try_. I stopped at the end of the hall, my hand poised to knock on the half-opened door, but thought better of it and instead slipped through the narrow opening and into the room.

Edward was sitting on the black leather couch, his shoulders hunched forward as he stared at his hands, and for a fraction of a second I was caught up again in the time capsule fantasy, that somehow I had stepped through that door and into last summer, my head weightless at the thought of it.

But then Edward sighed and clenched his hands into fists, his knuckles straining starker white against his alabaster skin, and time reasserted itself.

"I can't ever wake up, can I?" he said softly after a moment, not looking up at me. "I can't ever go to your window and find you safe in your bed. I can't ever take this back."

I took another step into his room, not sure how to respond. Did he want to take it back? Did _I_? Could I allow the ghosts of the might-have-been to overwhelm all the strength I had found in the here-and-now?

"Edward," I whispered, not knowing what else to say, and took another step closer.

Pain tightened his features, and he stood abruptly and walked to the window.

"We need to talk about this," I murmured at his back.

"There's nothing to talk about," he replied, looking out across the rain-grayed fir trees and not at me. "I made my decision a long time ago." He shook his head, the soft movement of his hair at odds with the pattering of the rain outside. "I shouldn't even be talking to you."

I clenched my jaw, my eyes burning dully. "And that decision?" I prompted.

He was silent for so long that I began to wonder if he was going to acknowledge my presence at all. "I need time," he whispered finally.

And there it was again: _time_.

My eyes drifted closed. How much time could I give him, really? How long could I stand this limbo of indecision, of not knowing?

"As much as you need," I replied, knowing it was a lie, then slipped from his room and fled silently to the sanctuary of my own.


	19. Chapter 19: The Sun Will Set For You

**Chapter 19 – The Sun Will Set For You**

I had been in my room for only a few minutes when there was a knock on the door. I froze where I had been standing beside the window, wondering if Edward could possibly be ready to talk already. Both Alice and Carlisle had seemed to think it would be hours before there was any change in his mental state, but maybe something I had said…?

Crossing the room in a few quick steps, I paused again with my hand on the doorknob, resisting the urge to fling the door open. Instead I took a breath, let it out slowly, and then opened the door a fraction and peered out into the hallway.

Jasper's scarred, serious face greeted me on the other side of the door. As disappointment washed through me his right eyebrow twitched upwards, but I kept my emotional shield open, knowing how much not being able to read me bothered him.

"Come on," he said, motioning towards the stairs with his head. "You need to hunt and I need to get out of this house for a while. Let's go."

–o–

"Does it help?" I asked as we trudged away from the house a few minutes later. I was desperate to think of anything other than Edward. "Getting distance from the others?"

Jasper glanced over at me, the steady rain starting to darken and flatten his blond curls; I pulled my hooded sweatshirt tighter around me, though the cold temperature didn't bother me at all.

"It does," Jasper replied, looking forward again. "I try not to think about it – I'm different enough from the others as it is," he continued, "but it does help."

"Different?" I asked, wrinkling my brow as I followed him over a fallen tree. We were working our way northeast from the house – further away from town.

He sighed, his expression darkening for a moment. "The last time any of the others slipped up was Emmett in 1957. It's more difficult for me; I didn't have the same… upbringing our adopted siblings had. Trying to live with them after I lose control like that, feeling what they feel, on top of how upset I already am with myself…" He shook his head. "Sometimes getting space from them is the best option."

I nodded, mulling over what he had said. "I can see how it would be…" I paused, looking for the right word, "stifling, feeling what everyone else feels. I seem to be better at keeping everyone out."

The corner of his mouth lifted in a smile, and an emotion something like envy filled me for the briefest of seconds before evaporating.

"You can feel someone else's hunger, too, can't you?" I asked as we continued to walk, wondering what it must be like for him. "If they're fighting with the thirst, you can feel that?"

"Yes," he nodded. "For instance, I can tell that you aren't particularly interested in hunting, but I'm hoping once we find the trail of something appetizing…"

"And it feels different from your hunger?" I asked, fixated on the puzzle of trying to understand, if only to keep from thinking about the half-crazy boy we had left behind back at the house. "What is it like, feeling what everyone else feels?"

He glanced over at me and then away again, though I wasn't sure what he would be able to gather by looking at me that he didn't already know. Beneath our feet the ground began to climb upwards slightly.

"It's like," he started, then broke off with a brief, humorless chuckle. "I've been this way for so long, I can't even think of how to describe it anymore. It's like walking into a room of people crying and being overtaken by their grief, even if it isn't your own. It's like everyone talking at once, trying to persuade you to feel one way or another. The more people there are, the worse it is."

"And if they're all feeling the same way? All angry, or all sad?"

"Well no one ever feels exactly the same as someone else. Each emotion is different, personal. But yes, it can get rather intense."

"It's an echo chamber," I murmured, the concept finally coalescing in my brain. "A feedback loop. If everyone around you is feeling something, you feel it too, but compounded."

Jasper stopped walking and turned to look at me, his face serious. "Your point?"

I hesitated, trying to put the idea into words. "I always thought you felt like you had a harder time with the diet because you had a weaker will than the others or something. But if you feel what everyone else feels, all the time… You're not weak willed at all. Jasper, you're the strongest of any of us."

His expression darkened again, and he turned back towards the northeast and continued to trudge forward. "That doesn't excuse my behavior."

I caught up with him easily, opening my mouth to disagree, but he cut me off with a decisive swipe of his hand.

"It's my _gift_, it's my responsibility to contain it. And if I had lived up to my responsibility on your birthday…" He sighed and shook his head. "I will not absolve Edward for his part in this mess, but if I hadn't lost control—"

"That's just the excuse he used," I said softly. "He was tired of me, and the realization that if I was changed he would be stuck with me was what spurred him into leaving, not anything you did or didn't do."

Jasper smiled slightly, the scars at his temple puckering. "Alice is right – you are completely ridiculous. He can't hide how he feels about you any more now than he could then."

I thought about the anger and hatred in his eyes in the garage, and his indecision and sadness when we spoke afterwards. "I wish I could believe that," I said.

"He's still confused and disoriented, and more than a little angry with himself. Just give him time, Bella."

I sighed. Time. The one thing I had a limitless supply of now, and yet the one thing I was loath to give.

I flexed my fingers, feeling the frustration beginning to build up in my limbs. "Can we just concentrate on killing something? If I think about this any more, I'm going to go as crazy as he is."

Jasper smiled again, and led the way further into the forest.

–o–

We climbed a tall pine afterwards, sitting in the uppermost branches and watching the low clouds move like fog over the green hills. I had taken down my first mountain lion and drunk my fill, but I still felt empty. At least Rosalie wouldn't be able to berate me for ruining my nail polish.

Of course, with the hunt over, my mind returned to Edward and his request for _time_. But he had also said that he had already made his decision, had made it long ago. What was he waiting for? What was _I _waiting for? As much as I didn't want to leave the Cullens, and couldn't comprehend being separated from Edward again, returning to a world without him, or the Cullens, or even Charlie – as much as I wanted to draw this time out, I knew that in all likelihood I was simply waiting around for Edward to feel sane enough to tell me again that he didn't want me. Like it was a will or something, and if he said so while not mentally sound, it wouldn't be binding.

And yet I couldn't help but wait. What other choice did I have?

But I did have a choice, I realized. Just because Edward had asked for time didn't mean I had to give it. Leaving would be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing I would ever do, but if it was the right thing to do, why put it off? It wasn't even like I would have to leave alone…

"Jacob Black asked me to run away with him," I said quietly into the misty silence, desperate to not be alone with my own thoughts.

Jasper started, seated next to me on the high branch, and whipped around to face me. "What?" he asked, his tone thick with horror. "When did this happen?"

"Before we left for Brazil," I replied on a sigh, not meeting his eyes.

"And what did you tell him?"

"I told him I had to bring Edward home."

"And now that Edward is home?"

I looked out over the forest, not really seeing it. "He loves me, you know. Jacob does."

Jasper was silent for a moment, perhaps processing that information. "And do you love him?" he asked.

"Not in the way you mean, not—" I stuttered to a halt as Jasper manipulated my emotions, filling me with pure, perfect, romantic love. True love. I shook my head, my eyes burning. "No," I whispered, "not like that."

The emotion dissipated, leaving me empty, but Jasper quickly replaced it with a softer type of love. Fondness. I nodded.

"We love you too, you know," Jasper said softly, and the fondness was replaced by familial love, strong and everlasting, _the ties that bind_.

I sighed and inclined my head, almost wishing I could pretend not to know. It would be so much easier to do what I needed to do if the Cullens didn't love me, if I hadn't strengthened the relationships that had already existed and forged new ones, if they hadn't become _my_ family over the last week.

We were silent for a long moment. "You can't think I'm just going to let you leave," he said finally.

"And if Edward doesn't want me? How can I stay if he asks me to leave?"

"It won't come to that," he replied, confidence in his tone.

I shook my head again. "I can't fix this, Jasper. I can't make him love me, and I'll rip the family apart if I try."

"You'll do no such thing," he started, placating, but I cut him off.

"I can't make anyone happy!" I cried. "I thought bringing Edward home would fix things, but Esme is more upset than ever, Carlisle is still worried. I've broken Alice's favorite brother, and Rosalie and Emmett… I can't make them happy, Jasper. I've _tried_." I paused, looking away and swallowing against the tightness in my throat. "But I could make Jacob happy. He wants to run away, roam the world together, I don't know. We would be an odd pair, but we both hunt animals, it could work. I could make him happy."

"And what about you?" Jasper asked, and I could feel his eyes on me. "Would you be happy?"

I took a deep breath and held it. "I would be happy enough."

A tidal wave of emotion crashed over me, leaving me shivering. Happiness, joy, the kind that made you tear up when you stopped to think about it. The absolute awe that someone so wonderful could exist, and, even more amazing, could love you back. The knowledge that no matter what happened, you would be happy, be _whole_, because you had each other.

The emotion wasn't as detached and clinical as some of the other emotions Jasper used to communicate. Like the feeling of familial love, this smelled of him, somehow. This wasn't a theoretical emotion. This was something he had experienced personally.

It was how Jasper felt about Alice.

I dropped my chin to my chest, wishing for tears, and shook my head. "I would be happy enough," I repeated, my voice gravelly. I tried to piece together how I thought it would feel: a steady, comfortable happiness. Not earth-shattering, but not world-ending either.

Jasper sat still and silent as the echoes of his emotional push faded. "You deserve to be truly happy."

"And what about what Edward needs? What if _he_ can't be truly happy as long as I'm here, intruding on his family?"

"You know that's not true."

But I shook my head again, pushing away the hope that maybe, once he had fed again and regained more of his sanity, maybe Edward would again feel about me the way he once had. "I can't keep pretending this is helping anyone, Jasper. It's only going to get worse, the longer I'm here. I can't stay, I have to, I have to…" I cut off, no air left in my body. My lungs refused to function – how could they, when there was a giant hole in my chest? _I have to go_, I flickered my shield at Jasper._ I have to leave, for Edward._

He looked away, his jaw clenched. "But you _love him_," he said, his voice low and intense. "How can you even think about leaving?"

"I love Jacob too!" I cried, ripping air into my lungs. "In a world without vampires, without werewolves, we would have ended up together, we would have had a normal life—"

"'A world without vampires'? Are you even listening to yourself?" Jasper spat, turning back to me, anger rolling off him in waves. "In a world without vampires, Edward would have died in a hospital bed, just another damned statistic! Alice would have died in that asylum, forgotten and unloved, never having known family! I would have died on some battlefield, wasting my life on a war I couldn't begin to comprehend! And I never would have found you, I never would have understood what this is. Is that what you want? _Really?_ For none of us to ever have met, for our family to not _exist_?"

My shoulders were shaking with silent, dry cries. "You were a family before me, you will be again—"

"It won't ever be the same," he cut me off, his voice firm, final. "It was broken while Edward was gone, and it would be shattered without you."

I wrapped my arms around my chest, holding myself tightly. "Please, Jasper, you have Alice," I sobbed. "Please, just let me go, please…"

"You would ask me to choose between my wife and— and my sister?" he demanded.

I looked up at him; his jaw was set and his eyes flashed angrily, but every line of his body echoed his sincerity.

"I would never ask you to choose," I said finally.

"Then don't leave," he replied, as though it really was as simple as that.

"It's not up to me," I whispered.

"Of course it is!" he shot back.

I swallowed, tried to get my breathing back under control. "And if he doesn't want me?"

"He does want you, so there's no point worrying about what-ifs."

"You saw the way he looked at me in the garage. And in Rio, he called me a demon." I paused, closing my eyes and blotting out the all-too clear memories with my wall of white noise. "How long do I wait, Jasper?" I asked, opening my eyes. "How long do I live with those looks, hoping that once he's fed enough, something will magically change?"

It wasn't an effort to dredge up how I felt – it was an effort to try to hide it from him in the first place – but I pulled all the pain together in one place and laid it open for Jasper to see.

He was silent for a long moment, and we both looked out over the fog clinging to the trees below us.

"A week?" he said finally, though I could still hear the anger behind his voice. "Can you give me a week? If nothing has changed in a week, we'll re-evaluate, maybe return to Denali, you and Alice and I."

I closed my eyes again. A week. I had only been a vampire for nine days; another seven sounded like an eternity. Could I really stand another week of this pain, even for Jasper?

–o–

Alice was waiting for us when we returned to the house, my GED materials once again spread across the dining room table, each of the others still engaged in their various daytime activities in other corners of the house. She had seen our conversation, of course, but remained brightly adamant that not only was college in my future, but she also wasn't about to start packing for Denali. Jasper managed to subtly re-direct her to her lesson plan before she could smother me with her optimism.

Nearly an hour later, as Alice and I sat with our heads together, poring over an old Calculus textbook of Esme's, I heard a door on the third floor open and close, and then footsteps on the stairs. I looked up from the book, glancing across the table and through the open archway that separated the dining room from the living room, to where Jasper was once again entrenched in his worn copy of _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ on one of the living room couches. He met my gaze, his eyes flickering to the stairs and back again, and the set of his mouth confirmed my fears: Edward was on his way downstairs.

I looked back down at the math book in front of me, but I could no longer make sense of the symbols and words strewn across the page. Was he coming down to talk to me? To ask me to leave? Or perhaps he had realized that he was in desperate need of sustenance and had finally decided to hunt?

I didn't have to wait long for my answer. His footsteps transitioned from stairs to living room, moving at a slow pace even by human standards. I glanced up again as he passed by the dining room, and saw Jasper's eyes following him as well, but Edward seemed oblivious to all of us. He merely drifted past, his face blank, then wound behind the couches, towards the far side of the living room, still moving in that dream-like way. I watched him go, and only realized his destination half a second before he arrived.

The piano.

It still stood in its alcove, of course, though I had done my best to ignore it every time I had passed it on my way in or out of the house. It hadn't moved since my ill-fated birthday party, since I had crashed into the stack of plates and left a puddle of blood at its foot. In the six months and three days since then, it had stood dark and silent, like a gravestone marking the place where my life as I knew it had ended.

But Edward walked right up to it, sat down, and lifted the cover off the keyboard, as though nothing had ever happened. As though the event that had forever changed my life had meant nothing to him.

I dropped my gaze back to the book quickly, not wanting to actually see him play the glossy instrument. But even without the visual, hazy memories of all the times I had seen him sit exactly there and play that piano rose to my mind. I wrapped them in white noise and tucked them away as tightly as I could, clinging to the warm support Jasper was silently sending me from his seat in the living room.

Beside me, Alice was quickly writing an outline in her beautiful script, her free hand flipping through the pages of the book as she wrote, though I knew she wasn't unaware of what was going on around us. As the first notes drifted from the piano's great black belly, I clenched my teeth and tried to concentrate on the outline. The sound resonated, filling the room but making my chest ache in emptiness. I didn't recognize the song he was playing, and took small comfort in that.

More memories crowded in, each clamoring for attention – the first time he had played for me, the song he had written for me, its melody warped by my imperfect human mind – but I shut them all out, my thoughts becoming a hum of white noise. This was a good thing, I argued with myself, as the new song Edward was playing wormed its way into my consciousness again. He was out of his room, at least, and doing something he loved. That had to be a good sign, a sign that perhaps his sanity was beginning to return.

It was good for Edward, so it shouldn't matter that it made the hole in my chest pulse white hot. I clenched my teeth together again and forced my mind to make sense of the numbers and symbols in the book in front of me. Just wait it out, I told myself, though I didn't honestly know if I meant the song or Edward's lingering insanity.

Abruptly Edward stopped playing, and I glanced up at him instinctively before I could stop myself. He had turned on the piano bench and was glaring with such ferocity at Jasper that I recoiled slightly in my seat.

"What are you waiting for, Whitlock?" he bit out, the consonants of Jasper's original surname snapping like a whip.

"Don't tempt me, _Masen_," Jasper shot back, his tone full of rage.

Beside me, Alice stood so quickly her chair toppled backwards onto the carpet. Her eyes were locked on Edward and Jasper. "Jazz…" she started.

"I _know_ it's my fault!" Edward exploded at Jasper, jumping to his feet, responding to something unspoken. "Stop throwing it back in my face!"

"Oh yes, it's all about you, isn't it?" Jasper replied snidely, quickly standing as well. "I am so sick of your self-pity! But out of respect for Bella I won't—"

"Well she isn't here, is she?" Edward snarled, and then leapt at Jasper.

Jasper was quick on his feet, dodging Edward's grasp and landing a punch to his side before Edward could change course. He reacted just a fraction of a second later, driving his shoulder into Jasper's ribs, propelling them both barreling through the archway towards us. Alice snatched me out of my chair and pressed us flat against the wall just as Jasper's well-aimed knee sent them careening past the dining table. Edward hurled another punch and Jasper seized the opportunity to off-balance him. Together they crashed through the space I had just occupied, my chair turning to a pile of kindling beneath them.

Edward had grabbed Jasper's arm before they even hit the ground, using the momentum of the fall to wrench the taller man over and past him – and straight through the glass wall that framed the back of the house. Glass shattered around us, loud even over the sounds of the fight, and Edward and Jasper tumbled out the broken window and into the yard.

I darted past Alice's arm, my mind a blur of white noise and emotions I had no words for. In less than a second I was through the remains of the window, running towards the two men with one thought clear in my mind: _stop!_ They had to stop, I had to _make them stop_.

They had both found their feet again, about twenty yards from the house, and were circling each other as I dashed towards them, both of them crouched low with their arms outstretched.

"Stop!" someone yelled, and it took me half a second to realize I was the one shouting. "Stop it!"

I sprinted the last dozen feet, wedging my body between them just as Edward lunged towards Jasper again.

"Stop!" I cried again, facing Edward but addressing both of them. They couldn't fight. Not because of me. I wouldn't allow it.

Edward scowled at me and tried to step around me to get to Jasper, but I matched his movement, keeping myself between them. I was a newborn, I was stronger and faster than both of them, and I wasn't about to let either of them get hurt.

I could feel Jasper behind me, anger rolling off him in waves and tingeing my own emotions. Edward glared at him over the top of my head, his chest heaving with deep, shuddering breaths, but I stood my ground.

In a flash, Edward tried again to dive around me – or rather through me, it seemed, his shoulder clipping mine as he lunged for Jasper. Instinctively I braced myself and returned with equal force, shoving him away. He stumbled back a few paces, surprise flickering across face before his expression darkened.

"Why must you torment me?" he screamed, his shoulders curving forward with the force of it. "I can't change what happened! Why are you even here?"

I stared at him for half a second, shock and pain warring with my shield, then turned on my heel and fled. From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper closing in for another strike, felt the reverberations through the air as it found its mark, heard Alice calling after me, heard the others coming out of the house, drawn by the noise of the fight, but I was already running – running west, as fast as my body could carry me, running, running, away from the great, haunted white house in the forest.

–o–

I ran without thinking for what felt like an eternity, the trees blurring into a single green smudge around me and Edward's words repeating again and again in my head, no matter how I tried to block them out.

"_She isn't here, is she?"_

In the chaos of the fight, the shock hadn't even registered at first, but now his voice seared through my brain, his angry, hateful words propelling me forward.

"_Why are you even here?"_

I ran on, trying to put distance between me and the spite in Edward's voice, the hole in my chest crushing every last breath of air out of my lungs, and my eyes burning with the absence of tears.

_She isn't here, she isn't here, she isn't here, she isn't here…_

I didn't know how long I had been hearing the sound, but even once I was aware of it, it took me a moment to realize that the dull, rhythmic pounding wasn't part of the endless litany in my head, nor was it my own steady footfalls. An electric shock shot down my spine, feeling something like adrenaline, and I angled away from the sound instinctively.

It wasn't my own footsteps, but it was _someone's_, and as I adjusted course they sped up and changed course as well, and I knew without having to think about it that whoever it was was trying to head me off. Panic seized me, adding pressure to the pain in my chest, but I pushed myself still faster, angling further to the right as the other adjusted course again, starting to fall behind. Just a bit faster and I could outrun him…

But now there were more footfalls to my right, much closer than the first, and as I skidded to a halt, kicking up dirt and dead leaves, intent on turning back the way I had come, back east, the owner of the second set of footsteps burst from trees directly ahead of me.

I froze in my tracks, staring wide-eyed at the giant wolf standing barely twenty feet in front of me. He was a bit smaller than the one I had seen up close in the clearing where they had burned Laurent – sleeker, with gray and black spotted fur – and I knew instantly he had been one of the wolves pacing on the beach, when I had looked back across the strait at my pursuers.

My panic ratcheted up another notch, but the werewolf merely growled a little, then sat on his haunches, looking for all the world like he was scowling, his eyebrows drawn down as he gazed back at me with huge dark eyes. He nodded once, decisively, and then slipped off behind the trees. I stood motionless, fighting with the strong and growing urge to flee, fairly certain I had just been told to _stay_.

I must have crossed onto pack territory, I realized in a rush. I didn't even know where the treaty line was, really. Some part of the forest was ours and some part of it was theirs, but where that was in relation to me was an absolute mystery. Was it a violation of the treaty for me to be on pack land? What would the wolves do to me – do to the _Cullens_ – if the treaty no longer held? Panic tightened its grip on my chest.

"Bella?" a voice came from behind the trees then. It took me a second to place it – Embry, I realized, a feeling like vertigo making me sway where I stood. "What on earth are you doing out here?" he continued, stepping into view as he finished buttoning up a pair of cut-off jean shorts. "You're on the wrong side of the line, you know."

At the sight of Embry's familiar face, the panic eased slightly, and I managed to draw air into my lungs, though the edges of my wound still throbbed and burned.

"I know," I squeaked in reply, forcing my lungs to function. I hesitated, flailing mentally for a reason to justify my treaty-breaking presence on their land. "I need to talk to Jake," I said finally, knowing it was true as I said it.

"And you couldn't call?" Embry asked, walking towards me slowly on bare feet.

I blinked at him as his words registered. It never would have occurred to me to call Jacob, even if I had planned any of this. "I don't have a phone," I replied lamely, hoping he wouldn't see through my impromptu excuse – hoping I could somehow get out of this without destroying the treaty that kept the Cullens safe.

"Well luckily, I have one built in," he said, tapping his temple lightly. "The whole pack knows you're here."

My shoulders sagged. Sam already knew. The damage was done.

"But that was Jake you were running from just now," Embry continued, seemingly unaware of my distress, his tone thick with an implied, _you bloodsucking weirdo_. "We've seen how fast you are, so he had me head you off. He's phasing and should be right over."

As he spoke, I again caught the sound of footfalls against the muddy forest floor, coming from my left – only then realizing the distinct difference in the rhythm of two feet rather than four – and half a second later, Jacob burst into view, shirtless and shoeless like Embry. He strode towards us with quick, long steps, his face serious. I resisted the urge to run to him and hug him.

"Thanks, Em," he said as he came to a halt beside us. "I've got it from here."

"No problem," Embry shrugged. "You should probably take her back to the treaty line though, or Sam will chew us out later," he added, making a face.

"Yeah, tell Sam I'll take care of it." Jacob looked at me then, his eyes flickering across my face as Embry started back towards the tree he had phased behind a few minutes before. "Tell him I'll be out of contact for the next few hours too," Jake called after him.

Embry paused, looking back at us. "We good?" he asked, though I had the feeling something stronger was implied by his words.

"Yeah," Jake replied, in a tone that cut off all further discussion. "I'll see you back at Emily's."

Embry stared at him a moment longer, then nodded once and continued further into the woods.

Jacob turned fully towards me once Embry had gone, and I finally gave into the urge to hug him, throwing my arms around his waist, the heat from his skin and his dog-like scent assaulting me.

"Jeez Bella, what's wrong? You're acting like someone killed your puppy." He started to say something else and then stopped short. "No one killed your puppy, right?" he asked, sounding truly horrified.

I huffed against his chest, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, then took a step back and looked up at him. "Did I break the treaty?" I asked, my words tumbling over themselves.

"What?" Jake asked, startled. "No, no the treaty is fine. I mean, Sam isn't happy, but you didn't do anything wrong. Come on, let's get back to the border before he sends Paul or Jared out here to escort us." He rolled his eyes, then set off at an easy pace towards the east.

I fell into step beside him, though the thought of returning to the Cullen side of the line filled me with nearly as much dread as the idea that I had accidentally broken the treaty had. How could I go back there and face Edward, after the things he had said?

"_Well she isn't here, is she?"_

The hole in my chest constricted painfully, and a small hiccup escaped me, the noise incongruous with the agony. I wrapped my arms around my chest, but it did little to stop the ache.

At the sound of my hiccup, Jacob stopped walking and looked down at me. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly. "Is it— Are we leaving?"

I stopped as well, but didn't meet his gaze. _Leaving_. That's why he thought I was here. He was willing to run away from his pack, his family, his whole life, everything he had ever known. And for what?

For me. Because he loved me.

The pain welled up again, overshadowing and consuming everything. Jacob was so willing to throw away his entire future for me, he loved me that much. But Edward couldn't even see a way for me to remain with his family, it seemed – couldn't even acknowledge that I was the same girl he had once claimed to love.

_She isn't here, she isn't here, she isn't here—_

"I'm still Bella, right?" I asked in a rush, the crater in my chest forcing the air out of my lungs as I spun to look up at Jacob. "When you look at me, you still see _me_, don't you?" I demanded of him.

He scowled and started walking again. "Where's this coming from?"

"Please just tell me," I half-sobbed, moving quickly to catch up with his long strides, my eyes burning.

"Of course you are," he replied almost angrily. "You think I would be here if you weren't? I mean, you look different, but not _that_ much. I've probably changed more than you have."

I felt my shoulders slump and I sat down heavily on the remains of a fallen tree, all the fight going out of me. "At least you still have a heartbeat," I said morosely.

He paused, realizing I was no longer with him, and turned back towards me. "Where is this coming from?" he asked again, more gently, as he sat down beside me on the log. "What happened in Brazil? Sam said you all were back, but… I didn't think I was going to see you again, Bells," he said, glancing sidelong at me.

I looked away, down at my hands; spending so much time with the Cullens, I could almost forget how unnaturally pale my skin was now, but it stood out in stark contrast to Jacob's. "We had to force him to come back," I said softly, in answer to his question. "Carlisle thinks he probably hasn't fed in months, which makes vampires kind of crazy, I guess. We made him feed this morning," I continued, pretending not to notice the way Jake's arm twitched at _feed_, "but he's still… not himself."

"So you guys haven't talked?" he asked when I fell silent. "I mean, you don't know how he feels?"

"We haven't talked, but it's pretty obvious how he feels," I replied, turning my gaze out towards the forest. "In Rio de Janeiro, he called me a demon. And today, he said 'well she isn't here, is she?' while I was sitting right there."

Jacob shifted angrily on the log, a tremor running through his hands. "What did he mean?" he asked, his tone tight.

I raised one shoulder in a half-shrug. "I don't know. That he doesn't think of me as the Bella he once knew? That he's pretending I'm not there? That he wishes I wasn't? I don't know."

I finally looked up at Jacob as he stood and paced away, the shaking working its way up his arms and down his spine. He ran his hands through his short-cropped hair, the muscles in his jaw rippling as he clenched his teeth, and then turned back to me.

"Look," he said, his eyes blazing and his voice hard. "If you want to leave, we'll leave. Right now. I'll race you to Manitoba. But I think that asshole owes you an explanation. He can't go around saying crap like that! If he wants you to leave, fine, you'll be better off without him anyway. But he should man up and say so to your face!"

I flinched, my mind already constructing what a scene like that would look like. _"I was too crazy to come right out and say it before, but I'm still quite bored with you, Bella, and would prefer it if you would leave my family and me alone…"_

"I should go up there and kick his ass," Jacob muttered, clenching his hands into trembling fists.

"Jake…" I sighed.

"I know," he replied, shaking his head. He looked at me for a moment, then came to sit beside me on the log again. "I know," he huffed, quieter. "Starting a war between the Cullens and the pack wouldn't do anyone any good. But he _does_ owe you an explanation, Bells. And as much as I would like to leave with you, right now, and never hear any of their names again…" He paused, meeting my gaze. "If you leave without hearing him say the words, you'll always wonder."

I nodded, looked away.

"Any guy who can be in the same room as you and not see how amazing you are is insane," he said softly. "Or an idiot. Or both."

The corner of my mouth lifted in a frail attempt at a smile, but behind it my chest was crumbling inwards. I knew Jacob was right, but that didn't make it hurt any less, and didn't make what I had to do any easier.

"Come on," he said, standing, "I'll walk you back to the treaty line, or all the way to the house, if you want. Find out what the jerk meant, and then if you still want to leave, well, you know where to find me."

I accepted the large, searing hand he offered to me, and together we wound our way eastward through the forest.


	20. Chapter 20: My Love Has Concrete Feet

**Chapter 20 – My Love Has Concrete Feet**

Jasper met us as the treaty line, his face set in the tight-lipped expression I had begun to recognize as _disapproval_, and his hands clasped behind his back.

"Everything alright, Bella?" he asked as Jacob and I neared.

I nodded wearily. "I just… needed to get out of the house for a while," I replied, using his phrase from just a few hours earlier, knowing he would understand.

His right eyebrow twitched upwards, but he sent me a silent wave of comfort, the feeling of it so familiar and welcome it nearly made my knees buckle.

"How are things at the house?" I asked, my voice subdued, as Jacob and I came to a halt in front of Jasper. We were standing barely a yard apart, but I got the feeling that both Jacob and Jasper were supremely aware of exactly where the treaty line was.

"Quieter," Jasper answered me, but his eyes were on Jacob, his expression still decidedly stern.

"Oh, Jasper, this is Jacob Black," I said, finally realizing that Jacob and Jasper hadn't met. "Our dads are friends, so we've known each other since we were kids." _And he's a good guy, so be nice,_ I added silently, my shield fluttering rapidly.

"Jacob," I continued out loud, turning to him, "this is Jasper, my—" I stopped dead, the word instinctively springing to my lips, but realizing only as I started to say it how odd the term would sound to Jacob, "—brother," I finished lamely, my throat constricting.

"Thank you for bringing her back safely," Jasper said to Jacob, before the latter could react to my strange introduction.

Jacob shrugged nonchalantly, but his jaw was tight. "I've been looking out for Bella for a while, no reason I would stop now."

The two men eyed each other for a moment, their gazes locked a good foot above my head. Finally something seemed to pass between them, and Jacob's jaw relaxed.

"Want me to walk you back to the house?" he asked, glancing down at me, his tone easy.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine," I replied – and with Jasper nearby, his comfort and my shield wrapped tightly around me, it wasn't even really a lie. "Thanks, Jake," I added, hoping he understood the depth and breadth of my gratitude.

The corner of his mouth hitched up in a smile. "Anytime, Bells," he said, then lifted me off my feet in a quick bear-hug. "I'll see you?" he asked as he set me down.

I nodded, and with one last look at Jacob, turned towards Jasper and closed the intervening space. I half expected to feel the instant I crossed back over into Cullen territory, but one step was very much like the next, until I was standing beside him. Jasper watched Jacob a moment longer, then turned and led the way eastward.

We walked in a comfortable silence for several minutes, as a misty drizzle fell around us, neither of us in any hurry to get back to the house.

"You are going to smell like a werewolf for _days_," Jasper said finally.

"I'll take a shower," I said, rolling my eyes and elbowing him.

"And burn those clothes."

"Somehow I don't think that would go over too well with Alice."

Jasper just snorted in reply.

"How are things at the house, honestly?" I asked, my voice turning serious.

He took a deep breath and sighed it out slowly. "Quieter, truly. Carlisle finally managed to convince Edward to hunt, and Emmett went with them. Rose and Esme went up to Port Angeles to get supplies to fix the window. Alice wanted to come with me to find you, but I wanted to talk to you first. I need to apologize for what happened earlier, I shouldn't have let it go that far."

"What did happen, exactly?" I asked, glancing at him sidelong as we walked.

His mouth found that same tight-lipped expression he had worn earlier – disapproval. "I let it get to me," he said, looking ahead rather than at me. "Edward came downstairs and started to play that damned piano. On the one side I have how you are feeling, and on the other, he's composing some morose concerto, feeling sorry for himself. As though us bringing him home from Brazil was the worst thing that had ever happened to anyone in the history of the world." Jasper was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched.

"And meanwhile," he continued, quieter, still not looking at me, "you're just sitting there and I can't, I can't make it better. And Alice is watching the future, and I can feel her worry, and her heartache over how difficult this is for both you and Edward, and he's still playing, wallowing in his own misery, with no mind for how anyone else feels. It was just too much. All I could think about was hurting him – to make him feel something else, to make him stop hurting you. And of course, _that_ was the thought he picked up on."

I felt my eyebrows pull together at his inflection. "Can't he hear all your thoughts?" I asked.

Jasper looked over at me finally. "Normally, all surface-level thoughts, yes. But Alice and Carlisle are convinced his telepathy is off somehow, probably because of how long he went without feeding. Some things he seems not to hear at all, and others he reacts to strangely, like they're coming through garbled. Hopefully this hunting trip will help. But that only reinforces my point: he's not in his right mind, and I shouldn't have let it get to me. I'm sorry that I did, Bella."

I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around the enormity of it. "You're too hard on yourself, Jazz," I said. "I can't imagine, feeling what I was feeling, and Edward, and Alice, and your own emotions… I can barely handle mine without breaking down," I smiled at him a little, to avoid the stinging truth of my words. "I can't even imagine," I said again.

"This has been my gift for a very long time," he replied, shaking his head. "I should be better at filtering it out, better at keeping my own emotions separate."

"But it's never been like this before, has it? Weren't the Cullens all fairly… even-keeled, before me?"

Jasper blinked, looking slightly taken aback. "I'm not sure anyone has ever described Edward or Rosalie as 'even-keeled'. But even allowing for that, you forget: I've spent more years in high school and college than you've been alive. I'm more than familiar with unrequited love and its associated torments."

I glowered out at the dripping forest ahead of us. "You're still convinced that's what this is?" I asked quietly. "Even after what he said to me?"

He sighed. "If his telepathy is off, don't you think it's possible he's not seeing the world for what it is, either? Give his mind just a little more time to heal."

"I can't keep holding out hope with so much evidence to the contrary, Jazz," I said softly, shaking my head. "The longer I pretend there's a chance, the worse it'll be when the end finally comes." I paused, thinking back over Jacob's words. "But I need to hear him say it outright," I said slowly. "I can't make any decisions based on an assumption."

Jasper nodded once. "Good. Wait for him to say it."

I was silent for a long moment, our footfalls the only sound. "And then?" I asked in a small voice.

"And then we'll deal with whatever comes next. Together."

I nodded, wrapping myself in the support and comfort he offered, and we covered the rest of the distance to the white house in the forest in companionable silence.

–o–

Alice was waiting on the porch as we approached, standing just under the edge of the overhang, out of the rain. She ran across the yard to us as soon as we caught sight of her, though, pulling me into a full-body hug despite my soaked and smelly clothes.

"I'm sorry," she said simply, sincerely, her breath brushing my ear. I squeezed her tighter in reply.

She leaned back and looked at me, her expression worried. "Don't ever do that again, do you understand?" she asked, sounding more upset than stern. "You scared me half to death, running off like that. And to the wolves, of all things? The one place I can't see you!" She pulled me into another hug before I could respond. "I can't lose you like that," she said quietly, a moment later, her voice thick with tears I knew she could not shed.

I nodded and whispered my apologies as Jasper came to stand beside us, comfort still flowing out of him. Alice half released me, tucking herself into Jasper's side while keeping her other arm around my waist, and together we walked back towards the house.

"Any news from Carlisle?" Jasper asked, glancing down at Alice.

She shook her head. "They haven't called, but the snippets I'm getting make me think they're probably having a pretty rough time of it. Edward keeps deciding to hunt, and then deciding to stick to his hunger strike – and Emmett has decided to kick his ass more than once. If it keeps up like this, we're all in for a tumultuous evening." Her hand at my waist clenched for the briefest of seconds, and the wound in my chest echoed hollowly.

We reached the house, and Jasper held the door open for us. Once inside, the vast emptiness of the building seemed to loom over us, as silent and foreboding as it had seemed all those weeks ago, when I had ventured out here on my own.

"Ugh, you really do smell like a wet dog, Bella," Alice said, wrinkling up her nose. Of course she had seen my conversation with Jasper.

"So what do you think," I asked, forcing my mind to focus on something as trivial as my clothes, "wash them or burn them?"

She considered my shirt, her face serious and her eyes unfocusing briefly. "Wash and donate," she said finally. "They aren't _ruined_, but you definitely won't be able to wear them again."

I rolled my eyes, then started to brush past her to go upstairs to shower and change.

"Uh, no," she said, catching my arm. "Let's _not_ go spreading that lovely aroma all through the house. Mud room shower for you," she continued, pulling me towards an unassuming door near the entrance to the garage. "I'll bring some clean clothes down for you."

She opened the door and revealed a small three-quarters bath, with another door on the far side that I assumed, based on its placement, led into the garage. With another roll of my eyes at Alice, I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

–o–

After my shower, I was more than a little annoyed to find that the clothing Alice had quietly slipped into the bathroom had been taken from the articles I had relegated to the back of my closet: a dark blue silk top, and jeans that, had I been human, probably would have cut off circulation. I cursed her silently, but as she had taken my rancid clothing away with her, I had no choice but to wear what she had picked out for me.

I felt no need to hide my annoyance from Jasper, and I heard him chuckle softly from the direction of the living room. I grumbled under my breath, but finished dressing and exited the bathroom, toweling off my damp hair. From that angle, it was even easier than usual to tell that the wide open space we all referred to as the living room had once been several rooms and at least one hallway – Esme's modifications, I had no doubt, along with removing the entire back wall of the house and replacing it with panels of glass.

At the thought, my gaze flickered across the large space, past Alice and Jasper on one of the couches, through the archway that sectioned off the dining room, and to the window Edward and Jasper had tumbled through barely two hours earlier. The shattered glass had been cleaned off the floor, of course, as had the remnants of the chair I had been studying in. The glass that had remained in the slim frame had been cleanly removed as well, leaving a four foot wide gap, stretching from the floor to the ceiling, between one pane and the next. And even that small trace of the fight I had witnessed earlier would be gone once Esme and Rosalie returned from Port Angeles.

"People made of stone shouldn't live in glass houses," Alice said quietly, her voice drawing my attention away from the gaping hole in the side of the house. I glanced over at her and found her watching me from her seat next to Jasper on the sofa facing the front door, her face serious despite her ironic twisting of the familiar phrase.

I started across the room again, only then realizing that I had stopped walking when I had caught sight of the broken window, and perched on an armchair beside Alice. Jasper didn't look up from his book, but I didn't need eye contact to know he was keenly aware of my presence.

"A silk top, Alice?" I asked, tucking the memories of the fight and Edward's angry words behind my white-noise shield and focusing on my annoyance instead.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm going to be dressing you for the rest of eternity so you might as well start getting used to it, while you're still a pliable newborn. Besides, blue is really your color," she added, winking at me.

I made a face at her and stood to go upstairs to change into more sane clothing, but Alice grabbed my hand.

"No, wait," she said, her voice low and her eyes far away. "They're back."

Half a second later we heard the sounds of footsteps outside, quickly approaching the house, then crossing the porch. I sank back down onto the armchair, still holding Alice's hand, my chest pulsing in an agonizing rhythm.

Just as I sat, the front door was thrown open and Edward stormed through, Carlisle and Emmett following behind at a more sedate pace. Edward made a beeline for the stairs, his expression dark, but when he caught sight of me, he stopped short, glaring.

The hole in my chest spasmed, then seized in a long spike of pain, as unwavering as Edward's gaze. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around my middle, and I could feel my fingers and toes begin to go numb as my shield kicked in, but I held his gaze.

He stared at me a moment longer, then his shoulders drooped and he closed his eyes. With a sigh, he shook his head, then started up the stairs, his steps heavy. We sat in silence, listening to him go, until the golden carpet two stories above muffled his footfalls.

"How did the hunting trip go?" Jasper asked quietly, and I caught the barest hint of calm seeping out from him – probably directed more at the others than at me, I realized, as the support and comfort I had come to associate with being near him intensified as well.

"Not well," Carlisle replied with a grimace, looking over at Jasper. "We got him to kill something, finally, but he fought us every step of the way."

"At least he's starting to smell better," Emmett interjected, wrinkling his nose up.

Carlisle sighed and nodded in agreement, rubbing his forehead. "It will probably take several more kills to reverse the damage he's done to his mind, but at least his body isn't consuming itself anymore. Alice, can you see anything yet?" he asked, turning towards her.

Her eyes were already far away, chasing possible futures. She blinked, her gaze refocusing, and looked up at Carlisle. "Nothing yet," she said sadly. "I think he is beginning to get better, or will soon, but as he's getting better he's trying to decide on something, and his indecision is making it impossible for me to see what will come next. It's like it was before we went to get him, that same sort of uncertainty blocking my visions. I don't think he's doing it on purpose," she said, frowning as her gaze become distant again for a moment. "But asking him about it always seems to end… badly."

She turned to me abruptly, her eyes clear again. "And your waffling isn't helping any, either, you know," she said sternly, her mouth pulling into a miniature imitation of Jasper's _disapproval_ expression.

"Mine?" I asked, blinking at her.

"Yes, yours. Trying to decide between here and Denali and—and something that makes you disappear completely! Your vacillating is making it even more difficult to pin Edward's future down."

"Denali?" Carlisle asked, turning to look at me, a hint of sadness in his voice. I couldn't meet his eyes.

"If things don't get better, Alice and Bella and I may go to Denali for a while," Jasper answered for me, "just to give Bella some space from all of this, some time to get her feet under her."

"Rose won't like that," Emmett rumbled, and from his tone I guessed he wasn't too happy about the thought, either. I glanced up at him and shot him a small, sad smile of appreciation, surprised all over again by the deep attachment that had formed between us.

"Neither will Esme," Carlisle said softly.

"What other option is there?" Jasper asked. "Edward needs someone here to help him heal and regain his sanity, but we can't ask Bella to keep living with him like this. The longer this goes on, the more likely there will be another repeat of this morning, perhaps with even more dire consequences. Carlisle, I know how much you dislike splitting up the family, but if things don't change soon, I don't see any other way."

_Splitting up the family_. I hadn't thought about it that way, but if Jasper and Alice went with me to Denali, that's precisely what they would be doing – what _I_ would be doing. My stomach twisted uncomfortably.

But as I struggled to put this realization into words, Carlisle drew in a deep breath and sighed it out slowly, and all eyes turned to him. "You may be right," he said to Jasper. "Without knowing how many months Edward abstained from feeding, it's difficult for me to form an accurate prognosis for his recovery, but I had hoped to see more progress by now. The lack of it concerns me. It may be weeks or even months of frequent hunts before his mind heals fully, but regardless of the amount of damage he's facing, we should be seeing greater incremental improvement with each feeding.

"My concern, then," he continued, "is that this is more than just a physical issue. His emotional state may be interfering with his healing – not just in his refusal to hunt, but also in the way his mind is processing reality. Jasper, how did he seem before the fight?"

"Morose," Jasper replied, his obvious displeasure adding an edge to his words. "Consumed with self-pity. And as Alice noted this morning, his telepathy seemed not quite right. I'm too close to the situation to analyze him well, but I see your point, Carlisle. He's clearly in quite a deal of emotional distress, and if his senses are off, that can only be complicating things."

"I don't get it," Emmett said, settling on the arm of the sofa across from Alice and Jasper. "He's home, Bella's here, none of us have even hassled him about lying to us. What's he so upset about?"

"Me," I said in a small voice, staring down at my hands, lying pale in my lap. "The things he said earlier, the way he looks at me— He's upset that I'm here at all, and that I'm… changed." I swallowed past the dry lump in my throat. "Maybe I _should_ leave. If I'm just making things worse for him…"

The love and support flowing out of Jasper built to a crescendo, but it was Carlisle who responded overtly, crossing the room to sit beside me and putting his hand my shoulder. "You don't know that, Bella," he said, his voice soothing. "I've known Edward for a long time, and I think it's very likely that he's dealing with a large amount of guilt over leaving you. You may both need some space to heal, but I cannot imagine a world in which Edward wouldn't want you with him."

I nodded but didn't reply, my chest constricting painfully. I didn't need to imagine a world where Edward didn't want me – I had been living in it the past six months. The only thing that had changed was that while his absence had nearly killed me, my presence was apparently driving him mad.

Carlisle was silent a moment, as though waiting for me to speak, then smiled sadly. "Well, we shouldn't make any decisions until Esme and Rosalie are home, at the very least," he said, squeezing my shoulder gently and then releasing me. "And maybe we'll get lucky and this hunt will make a noticeable difference."

I nodded again, almost absently, my mind already far away. It was slowly dawning on me that if I left, it couldn't be to escape my own suffering – I couldn't split the family up on my account – but to end the torment I was inflicting on Edward. I could hold out against the pain for days or even weeks more, especially with Jasper's help and the support of the Cullens. But how could I stay, if my presence was keeping Edward from healing? Wasn't the right thing, then, to say goodbye?

"_But I'm not saying goodbye," _my own voice whispered in my memory, distorted echo from that time before my life ended.

"_Don't you see?" _he had replied._ "That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it – if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."_

"_And you don't think I would do the same?" _I had asked, so naïve.

"_You'd never have to make the choice."_

But it was my choice to make, now. I knew the depths of my own strength, knew that even when the pain had seemed insurmountable, it hadn't killed me. I could survive it, I could leave him, if it meant Edward would have the chance to heal. If it meant that he would have a chance at a normal life.

I felt the decision settle into the pit of my stomach, vaguely aware of the others moving around the room, Emmett and Carlisle and Jasper talking near the stairs. I was leaving. I had made the choice Edward had said I would never have to make, and as it clicked into place, all emotion retreated, leaving me numb.

Looking up, I found Alice's bright golden eyes on me, an unspeakable sadness hiding behind them. I held her gaze, blinking in slow motion, knowing that she had seen my decision.

"Will you lie like he did, too?" she asked quietly, an edge of pain and betrayal in her voice. "Will you leave without telling him the truth?"

I could feel Jasper watching me from across the room, but I continued to stare at Alice. "He wouldn't understand, even if I did," I replied, my voice just as low.

"Shouldn't he be the one to decide that?" she hissed back. "Wouldn't you have wanted that chance?" she added a moment later, her voice gentler.

I stared at her a moment longer, then dropped my gaze. "Yes," I said softly. "Yes, I would have wanted that chance." I looked back up at her, hunching my shoulders forward as my chest began to ache, crumbling inwards. "Can you see how he'll react?" I asked.

She offered me a small, sad smile. "He'll talk to you. Beyond that I can't really say. He still has a decision to make, it seems."

Nodding, I looked away again, and from the other side of the room, Jasper sent me precisely the sort of comfort I needed. Clinging to it, I flickered my shield at him wordlessly, and knew he understood.

Tires crunched on gravel at the far end of the drive, and we all looked up. Emmett and Carlisle started for the door, drawn by the inexplicable sense that told them their mates were near. Alice and Jasper and I followed slowly behind them, reaching the porch as Esme and Rosalie pulled to a stop in front of the house in the same van we had taken to Brazil, a large pane of glass braced in the back.

"I still think it will be easiest if we remove the panels above it and work from the bottom up, rather than trying to get this one in without breaking any of the others," Rosalie was saying to Esme as she cut the engine.

Esme sighed and nodded, climbing out of the van. "You're probably right. You know how much I hate dealing with glass, though." She turned to Carlisle then, as he came around the van to greet her; I looked down at my feet rather than at their display of affection. On the other side of the van, Emmett and Rosalie were similarly engaged. Beside me, Alice took hold of my fingers and squeezed.

"Any change?" I heard Esme ask Carlisle quietly.

"None yet," Carlisle replied, as I glanced back up at them. "We were able to get him to hunt, but he's not healing as quickly as I would like. We should discuss next steps as a family, but I would like to give him at least a few more hours for this latest kill to work its way through his system."

Esme nodded, squaring her shoulders even as her eyes continued to look haunted. "Enough time for us to replace the glass, then," she said, and I wondered briefly how many of her home improvements had been spurred by Edward's unrest over the years.

"So you want to take out the panes above the one that broke?" Emmett asked, his hand still lingering on Rosalie's hip. "That's what, Jasper's study and Edward's room?"

"I'll go clear my desk, so you have access to the window," Jasper said, turning to go back inside, Alice anticipating his movement and entering ahead of him.

"I don't suppose there's any chance we can get His Mopiness to help us fix what he broke?" Rosalie asked as she started around the van to the passenger side sliding door. She paused only briefly to wrap one arm around my waist and hug me tightly, before continuing on as though nothing had happened.

Carlisle sighed, a sound I wished I wasn't becoming so familiar with. "I think the best we can hope for is that he won't break anything else, but I'll go talk to him." He turned back towards the house as well, squeezing my shoulder as he brushed past me on his way in.

I watched silently as Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme maneuvered the huge piece of glass out of the van, handling it gingerly. Instinctively I wanted to help, but I didn't trust my newborn strength around something so fragile, and instead I found myself drifting inside, away from the path they would have to take with the glass.

Wandering towards the left from the front door, I finally came to sit on the bench in front of the piano, in its little raised alcove. The keyboard cover was still pushed back from when Edward had been playing, barely a few hours before. I closed it gently. Another sign of the fight erased. In a strange way, I felt like I was erasing myself.

I stared at the black, glossy surface of the piano for a few seconds, seeing my face reflected back at me in shades of noir, then looked up, away, out across the room, towards the dining room and the gaping hole in the back of the house. My school books were spread across the dining room table, as untouched as the piano, as though we had all simply stepped away for a moment. Once the window was replaced, no one would ever know what had happened there. I only wished I could escape so unchanged.

Sighing, I stood and crossed the room and began to gather up the books and papers, knowing the others would need to move the table to get to the window. Just as I added the last of them to my neat stack, Rosalie and Emmett came in through the still-open front door, precariously carrying the pane of glass between them in their bare hands. Emmett looked over his shoulder at me as he walked carefully backwards and winked. I responded with a weak smile.

Esme followed them in, her arms full of various tools and supplies I had no names for, and at that moment Carlisle appeared on the stairs, descending to join us as well.

"Jasper and Alice and I managed to remove the pane in Edward's room," he said to Esme as they both reached the bottom of the stairs, "but the one in Jasper's study is proving difficult. I think it requires your expert touch," he added, smiling at her.

I looked away from their fragile happiness, gathering my books and papers into my arms, slipping silently past the others, and treading lightly up the two flights of stairs to my room. Depositing the stack rather unceremoniously on my desk, I stood for a moment staring out my door, down the hall towards Edward's room. There was no sound coming from that corner of the house, but I knew with something beyond hearing that he was there. And somehow, I had to go tell him that I was going to leave, for both our sakes.

Alice was right, of course. Even if his mind was still too damaged to comprehend what I was trying to say – and even if he would gladly welcome my absence if he did understand – he still deserved to know. As much as I wanted to slip quietly away and let him simply forget me, I knew I owed him more than that. And as much as I wanted to procrastinate telling him, putting it off would only hurt both of us. Him most of all.

I wouldn't lie to him, I wouldn't leave without an explanation, no matter what it cost me. I set that thought clearly in my head, steeling myself for the conversation to come, then wrapped my shield tighter around me and started down the hall towards his room, my hesitant steps betraying my apprehension.

His door sat open, and as I entered on silent feet, I found him standing next to the empty space left by the glass Carlisle and Jasper had removed, staring out at the rain. It fell softly, misting down without a breath of wind, pattering gently on the leaves of the trees, the sound at once familiar and haunting.

"Edward," I said quietly after a moment.

He turned his head slightly to look at me sidelong, but his body remained angled towards the missing window. "You're still here," he said, without any particular intonation.

"_Why are you even here?"_ his voice rang out in my perfect memory before I could contain it.

"Yes," I whispered, the raw edge of my wound puckering. "For now."

That seemed to get his attention, and he looked at me more fully. "For now?" he asked, a note of sadness that I didn't quite believe working its way into his voice.

"I think maybe it's time to say goodbye," I replied softly.

His jaw tightened and he looked away, back out the window. "I know," he said after a moment. "I know it is. I am very sorry for the delay, I just… I don't know how to leave them again."

I blinked up at him, my stunned mind taking half a beat to unravel his words. "Not you, Edward," I said. "Me. I'm hurting you, and it can't go on like this. You should be here with your family, be happy – without me."

"No," he said flatly, shaking his head and closing his eyes. He started to say something else but stopped, clicking his jaw shut. "I can't do this right now," he said finally, his voice quiet but firm, and buried his head in his hands.

I clenched my jaw shut as well, as my shield wrapped tighter around me, my chest hollow and heavy. He didn't speak again, and I was silent for a long moment, just watching him, fixing him in my memory, this boy who would never be anything less than my everything, and taking slow breaths to fill my aching lungs with his scent. He didn't move, as the minutes continued to tick by, his face buried in his hands while the rain pattered outside.

If I was being honest with myself, I couldn't do this right now, either. To think that this would be easy, that I could simply tell him I was leaving and be done with it – I had been deluding myself. There would never be an uncomplicated goodbye between us.

But as my chest folded in on itself, I knew I couldn't stay here, listening to the murmured voices of our family below, to stone skin sliding over glass, erasing the past. I had to get out, get away, if only for a little while. I would try to explain to Edward again when I returned, and hold to Carlisle's hope that as the blood worked its way through Edward's system, his mind would improve.

_Need to get some air_, I flickered at Jasper. _Going hunting, will try to bring something back for Edward_. I paused, still staring at Edward's unmoving form. _Back soon, don't worry,_ I added, then clamped my emotional shield down tight, and crossed the room slowly.

Edward didn't stir as I approached, standing like a statue, carved in marble. I reached for him in spite of myself, ghosting my hand over the backs of his where they still hid his face. He remained unchanged, unchangeable, and while I longed to actually touch him, my wound crying out for it, instead I moved away, to the edge of the open window frame. I stared out at the rain, at the fir trees disappearing into the gray mist, then stepped off the ledge into the nothingness below. I was running as soon as my feet hit the ground.

–o–

I wandered aimlessly, filling my mind with meaningless, comforting white noise, blocking out all my worries and questions. It reminded me of that first day after waking up in the river, tracking animal scent trails alone through the dripping forest, but I wrapped that memory, the loneliness and uncertainty of it, in my shield and tucked it away as well. There would be more than enough time for that later.

Blocking it all out, I became wordless, primal, the multilayered aromas of blood the only thing I allowed to register. Anything else simply hurt too much. I followed the trails as they crisscrossed through the trees, overlapping, separating, brighter here, older there, barely even assigning names to the different smells.

I was chasing something small and fast when the wind shifted, carrying a whole new scent to my nose, one I had no trouble naming. Whirling around, I caught sight of the giant russet wolf just as it leapt at me, knocking me to the ground.

"Get off of me, you big oaf!" I cried, shoving at the shaggy blur of fur perched above me and rolling out from under him.

The Jacob-wolf huffed, jumping back and then crouching down low, like a dog who wanted to play. I stood up, scowling at him as I brushed myself off, but he merely danced away, running at full speed at a tightly packed group of trees twenty yards away.

I glared after him, then retraced my steps across the small clearing, looking for the trail I had been following – rabbits, my mind supplied now – but with the scent growing cold and the stench of werewolf saturating the air, I had little hope of finding it again.

"You're on the wrong side of the line again, you know," Jacob said jovially, stepping out from behind the trees, wearing only tattered jean shorts. I wondered if he knew he looked like a bronzed version of the Incredible Hulk.

"I didn't know, actually," I said, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice and failing. "We should put up a sign or something, I never have any idea where it is."

"Oh," he said, his shoulders slumping. "I just thought…" He trailed off, looking at me with sad eyes.

"Oh," I said as well, my voice softer, realizing suddenly how this must have looked to Jacob. "I didn't mean— I was just chasing rabbits and wasn't paying attention to how far west I'd gotten."

He wrinkled his nose at me. "Rabbits, Bella? Really?"

"They're not for me," I snapped, then instantly regretted my tone. "I'm bringing food back for Edward," I sighed, forcing my shoulders to relax. I knew I shouldn't take my anxiety out on Jacob, of all people. "I can't exactly just pick something up from the grocery store," I added lamely.

His eyebrows drew together. "That's what it's come to?" he asked. "You're bringing him _live rabbits_ now?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Oh get off your high horse, Jake, I _know_ you've eaten rabbit before."

"Well sure, but I _eat_ them, I don't use them as canteens!" he shot back.

Huffing indignantly, I narrowed my eyes at him, but he merely grinned in response.

"So what are you doing all the way out here by yourself again?" he asked after a moment, his smile fading slightly.

"_Chasing rabbits_," I said, enunciating clearly, in an effort to make him grin again, but his eyes had turned serious. "I just needed to get out of the house," I sighed. "I was trying to talk to Edward, but…" I trailed off, shaking my head and clenching my jaw.

"Did you figure out what he meant, when he said you weren't there?" he asked, his voice quiet and gruff.

I shook my head again, unable to meet his eyes. "He went months without feeding, which I guess makes vampires a little… off kilter. Jasper and Alice think his telepathy isn't working quite right. He probably didn't even know what he was saying."

"Like that's an excuse," Jacob growled. "I still say he owes you an explanation."

I was silent for a beat, still looking away. "I don't think I'm going to wait around for him to explain," I said quietly.

"But I thought you said…"

He stopped talking as I looked up at him, and I knew my pain was written clearly on my face. "I can't run away with you, Jake," I said, my voice still soft. "I can't do that to the Cullens. Alice can't see my future when you're near. She freaked out when I disappeared this morning – she's probably freaking out right now. If I left with you… It would kill her, Jake, to never be able to see me again. And think what it would do to your dad, and the pack. We can't do that to people who love us."

"Yeah," he sighed, the sound of it making my eyes prick and burn with missing tears. "Yeah, I know. It was a nice dream, though."

I smiled sadly up at him, my chest tight. "Yeah, it was," I whispered back.

"But you're not going to wait around…?" he prompted.

"Carlisle is worried that Edward isn't healing as quickly as he should. He's a bit disconnected from reality right now, and me being around and… different isn't helping. So I'm going to leave for a bit, I think, give him some time to heal. And then… I don't know."

"Where will you go?" he asked softly, sounding infinitely younger and smaller than his hulking size implied.

"Alaska, probably, to the other vegetarian clan. I can write, if you want," I added with a small smile. "He just… He needs to heal, so whatever it takes."

Jacob smiled bitterly, looking out at the forest rather than at me. "Well, if you ever get tired of playing nursemaid, you know where to find me," he said ruefully.

I stared at him for a long moment, at the mocking twist of his mouth, the hunched pain in his shoulders. "Jacob, knowing what I am, the realities of it – can you _honestly_ tell me that if I was in his condition, that you wouldn't bring me rabbits?"

He smiled his bitter little half-smile again. "No, Bella," he said, looking at me. "I would bring you rabbits. For the rest of eternity, if that's what you needed. And that's the _only_ reason I'm not arguing with your decision. Go, if you need to go. But I'll always be here if you need me."

My eyes burned and I crossed the few feet between us at my top speed, throwing my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. It was wrong, all of it – his skin burned against mine, too soft and pliant, and he smelled truly awful. But he would always be my Jacob. I squeezed him for just a moment, holding my strength in check so I wouldn't hurt him, and felt his arms come up around me.

"Love you, Bells," he whispered into my hair, as the rain fell around us.

"Love you too," I murmured against his fiery skin, knowing it was true.

I knew it was also goodbye.

–o–

I wandered back towards the house slowly, taking the long way around and making a series of deliberate decisions, hoping that Alice would be able to see me again and not worry. By the time I had said my goodbyes to Jacob, the rabbits were long gone, and I didn't have the heart to chase down anything else, and so I returned to the big white house in the woods with my hands as empty as my chest.

The sun was beginning to slide towards the western horizon as I vaulted over the river behind the house, another day dying silently while I remained unchanged. It was difficult to believe that barely twenty-four hours had passed since we had returned from Brazil. In my life before, I had expected days to pass like minutes for an immortal. But instead, with a quicker mind and no need for sleep, the days expanded, filling weeks, the world changing completely from one sunset to the next.

I paused at the edge of the yard, staring up at the back of the house, the lowering sun bathing it in shades of red and gold. My eyes found the dining room easily, though the newly replaced pane there looked no different from all the others, that last vestige of the fight erased. Raising my gaze, I could see that the glass in Jasper's office had been refitted as well, though the room beyond it was dark and empty. Above it, the window to Edward's room still stood open, the gold carpet catching the light, though that room too seemed unoccupied.

Something near my stomach twisted uncomfortably, but I willed it away. There were a million different reasons for the Cullens to not be standing at the windows, most of them completely benign. But my strides as I crossed the yard were quicker than they had been, and I climbed the tree outside Edward's room faster than was probably strictly necessary, my body urging me forward.

The first thing I noticed as I slipped back in through the open gap was that Edward was no longer standing beside the window as he had been when I left. Unreasonable panic flared in my chest for a fraction of a second before I heard his voice in the hall, just outside the room. I took a breath, trying to calm my suddenly ragged nerves. Maybe this was a good sign, if he was out of his room and talking to the others, I tried to convince myself.

But I couldn't shake the feeling of dread.

I crept forward, my feet silent on the thick gold carpet. Through the open door I could see Edward in the hallway, his back towards me. Beyond him were Carlisle and Alice, their faces worried, and I could hear the others further away in the house.

Edward was talking again, but his words were just a jumble of noises, drowned out by my own racing thoughts and the white noise of my shield. I clamped down on my worries and forced myself to listen intently.

"Edward…" Carlisle sighed.

"I know this isn't the life you hoped for me, Carlisle," Edward replied immediately. His voice was clear and steady, better than I had heard him since the attic, but my worry only continued to grow. "But this is my fault," he continued. "My own choices brought me here. I know I've hurt you, all of you, and for that I am so very sorry."

His voice was _too_ steady, too calm. The panic constricting my chest ratcheted up another notch, and reflexively I stopped my breathing and snapped my emotion shield down tight. I forced myself to relax it half a second later, knowing that not being able to read me would only make Jasper worry.

"Edward, there may be other options," Carlisle said then, and I scrambled to put together the meaning behind his words. "All I ask is that you give it some time. Don't make a decision like this too quickly, before you've examined all the alternatives."

"I've had a very long time to think about this, Carlisle," Edward said, shaking his head. "You've known this was a possibility from the beginning." He paused, his body shifting slightly towards his sister. "Alice, you can stop shouting 'she's alive, she's alive,' it's really not helping."

My stomach lurched as though the floor had dropped out from beneath me, and then my whole body went numb. I pushed against my shield, forcing my muscles to tense to keep me standing.

"But she _is_," Alice whispered, her voice near to breaking.

Edward sighed. "Why prolong the fantasy, Alice? I saw her die."

She shook her head almost frantically. "You couldn't have, Edward. It's not possible."

"I don't know how, Alice, but I saw it. She was alone and bleeding in the woods. She was so fragile, and I tried but I couldn't…" His voice cut out, sounding strangled, and he shook his head again. "I see her ghost everywhere, and I simply cannot bear to be away from her any longer. I'm sorry."

Carlisle was staring at me over Edward's shoulder, as the room continued to plummet around me, his face anguished and his amber eyes pleading with me. But what could I do? How do you convince someone you aren't a figment of their imagination?

"Please, Carlisle," Edward was saying, his voice soft. "Gather the others together and I'll make my farewells."

I held Carlisle's gaze for a moment longer, wondering how my face looked to him and what he expected me to do. Then Edward turned and walked slowly back into the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Alice and Carlisle in the hall. His eyes flickered to my face, but he didn't seem shocked to see me there, and he kept his slow, steady pace until he was standing in front of me.

He reached one hand up, his fingers hovering just over my cheekbone as I held perfectly still, but then let it drop without touching me – like he was afraid of what he would find there, afraid that his hand would pass right through me. His eyes were black and bottomless as he studied my face.

He saw me, he recognized me, but he wasn't changing his mind.

"Edward," I breathed, unsure of what to say. His eyes slid shut at the sound of my voice.

"Don't worry, Bella," he said softly, his eyes still closed, "I'll be there soon. I'm coming for you."

No, no, no, no, _no_! What could I do? What was there left to do?

I reached my hand up slowly, shakily, and laid it along the side of his face, hoping that maybe the physical contact would make him realize I wasn't a ghost – that I was there, and alive. He leaned into my palm and smiled, half wistful, half mocking.

Unwillingly, I remembered how real my own hallucinations had been, how I'd felt his cool arms holding me as the pain and blackness claimed me, on that last day of my human life. In that moment, nothing could have dissuaded me from believing that he was real.

The memory blurred, the voice of my hallucination sounding in my head, just as it had that terrible day in the meadow: _"__Fight for me. This doesn't have to be the end."_

But fight how, with what? How do you wake someone who doesn't know they're asleep?

"_I can't ever wake up, can I?" _his voice rang in my mind again, in the complex, perfect tones of my vampire memory._ "I can't ever go to your window and find you safe in your bed. I can't ever take this back."_

"_Bella, he wasn't going to come home,"_ Alice's voice overlapped his, the different memories running together,_ "he wasn't coming back for us. He was going to go to your window at Charlie's…" _

"—_I don't have the strength for this anymore, Alice. Please just tell me. I know it already. Just tell me the truth so we can end this."_

"_You'll forgive me for the delay, I hope. I had to be sure…"_

"Edward?" I said out loud, my voice barely above a whisper, as the memories tumbled over each other, clamoring for attention. I pushed them all behind the wall of white noise, sealing them away, then swallowed, steeling myself for what I knew had to come next. "Edward, do you love me?"

Even though I knew what he was planning, and _why_, the hole in my chest still cried out in agony as I said the words, making my voice waver and my hands tremble. It took all my immortal strength to stay standing, to keep my shield from snapping tight around me.

His response was immediate, his face smooth but sad now and his eyes still closed. "More than my life," he murmured back.

The wound fluttered and stilled, and my breathing hitched, but I willed myself forward, remembering those last minutes in the forest, Edward in the bright sunlight urging me on…

I took one last deep, shaky breath, and raised my other hand to his face. "Then it's time to wake up," I whispered, stood on my toes, and touched my lips to his.

It had been six months since I had kissed him, six long months since that last day in the woods, but standing here like this, his stone lips unmoving on mine as I made this one last desperate attempt to save him from himself – this was not the kiss I had forced myself not to imagine. For one interminable moment, the hole in my chest seared white hot, pulsing like it had a heart of its own.

And then he was kissing me, his hands on my face, and then in my hair, and then on my waist, crushing my body to his. His lips, hesitant at first, became frenzied, almost desperate. I kissed him back, winding my arms around his neck and curling my hands into his hair, pressing myself closer to him. He didn't have to be careful with me now. He would never have to be careful with me again.

The _thud _ of my back crashing into the wall made me jump. Had we moved? I couldn't remember, and didn't care, as the length of his body pressed against mine.

His hands were on my face again, cupping my jaw as I pulled him closer to me. And then he was slowing, less desperate and more… awed, it seemed. After one last, slow kiss, he pulled back half an inch and rested his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. His thumb traced patterns along my cheekbone, and I reached up to touch his face as well, marveling at the feel of it under my fingertips.

"Bella," he breathed. It was a greeting, an affirmation, and a benediction, but beneath it I could hear the uncertainty.

"Yes," I said, answering that unspoken question. My breath was ragged and quick in my chest, even though there was now no biological reason to be out of breath, no heart to speed my pulse.

Edward hesitated a moment. "Am I hallucinating again?" he asked softly, his voice vulnerable and delicate.

"No," I answered him just as quietly.

His fingers stilled on my face. "If I was hallucinating, that's exactly what you would say."

I could feel my body tense as I made the decision to say the words, my shield poised to protect me against the impending pain. "Edward, look at me," I whispered. "Open your eyes and really _look_ at me."

He did as I asked, leaning away from me slightly, his hands still on my face. I watched him carefully, and saw the moment the realization hit him, as he finally grasped the truth of what I had become – not a ghost, not a demon. A vampire. His eyes widened and his face went slack, his lips parting in shock. The expression was replaced almost instantly by pain, loss and regret etched on every inch of him. I swallowed convulsively, but otherwise held absolutely still, trying to give him the time he needed to process the revelation. With the tip of one finger he traced the shadows under my eyes, and I saw the dark red of my irises reflected in the blackness of his.

"_Why?_" he choked out after a minute.

I let my eyes slide shut. Did he not want me, now that he knew? Now that I was no longer the soft, frail human girl he had fallen in love with, would he leave me again? Could he kiss me like _that_, and then break my heart again? Even just the thought was agony.

I wanted to tell him about Laurent, I wanted him to know that this wasn't my choice. I wished I could tell him about seeing him in the forest, how he had saved me when no one else could. But if he didn't want me… I couldn't let him know what I had gone through while he was away. I wouldn't lay that guilt on him.

So instead I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. "It was meant to be this way," I said, echoing Jasper's words to me, it seemed so long ago now. "I came at it sideways, but it was meant to be." I couldn't make the words sound as sure as he would need, and I hoped he didn't notice.

There was a patch of fading sunlight on the wall by my shoulder. I gently laced our fingers together, then pulled his hand with mine into the golden light. Our skin sent rainbows dancing across the room, tinged orange and red.

"We match now," I whispered.

He stared at our joined hands for a long moment, standing absolutely still. I stopped breathing and matched his stillness.

"I haven't been hallucinating, have I?" he asked finally, his voice pained.

"No, I think you have," I replied quietly. "Just not this."

He looked back at me, his dark eyes puzzled. "You found me in Brazil?" he asked, obviously struggling to put the pieces together.

I nodded.

"By yourself?" His eyebrows drew together in confusion.

Unbidden, fuzzy memories of my first days out of my catatonic state came to the front of my mind, the confusion and the feeling of being packed in cotton as I tried to interact with the world around me. The feeling that nothing was real.

I shook my head, both in reply and to clear the unwanted memories. "It was a group effort. But I had to go the last leg alone," I whispered. "You would have heard any of the others before they got to you."

He took a moment to process this, still looking bewildered. "You came for me?"

I hesitated, panic starting to build in my chest. Did he know he was asking the same question again? Was he awake at all? I swallowed and concentrated on making my voice steady and confident. "Yes."

"Why?" he asked, his voice nearly as pained as before.

I couldn't understand the question. I wanted to step back to get a better view of his face, but he still had me pressed up against the wall. "To bring you home," I replied, my tone mirroring my confusion and my eyebrows drawing together.

He surprised me by smiling slightly and shaking his head. "How is it possible that I do the one noble thing in the whole of my existence and end up even less worthy of you?"

"I… What?" I said, trying to make sense of his words. "Noble?"

He pulled back, studying me. "Ah," he sighed, the noise somewhere between a moan and a sob, and his face crumpled. He stepped back, stumbling away from me until he came to the couch and sat down heavily, burying his face in his hands. "I should have known," he groaned. "It's no more than I deserve."

I was too stunned to move, trying to follow his quick mood swings.

"You should have left me there," he continued from behind his hands, despair marring his beautiful voice.

"No," I said firmly, finally finding the sureness I had been seeking. I crossed the room in a few quick steps and knelt at his feet. "You should be here, with your family." I looked down at my hands, gathering my courage for what I knew had to come next. "You shouldn't have to stay away on my account," I whispered.

"Bella…" Edward sighed, and I flinched at the pain and resignation in his voice.

"I know things aren't like they were before, despite…" I shook my head, prying my mind away from _that kiss_, and still not looking at him. I didn't think I would be able to get through this if I looked at him, and I knew this had to be his choice. "I'll go away, if you want me to, I'll leave you alone," I said quietly. "Then you can be with your family, and it'll be like _I_ never existed." I glanced up at him hesitantly, waiting for his reaction.

He raised his face from his hands slowly, his expression unreadable. "You would go away?" he asked slowly.

I looked down again as my chest began to crumble in on itself. "If you want me to," I whispered.

He placed a finger under my chin and tilted my face back up to him. "If I beg for your forgiveness and promise never to leave your side again, will you stay?" he asked, his voice soft, pleading. "If I spend the rest of my existence proving to you how much I love you, will you give me another chance?"

I stared up at him blankly, turning his words over and over in my head, trying to make sense out of them. "You love me?" I asked finally, my voice small.

He slid from the couch to kneel on the floor beside me, grasping my hands in both of his own. "I love you, Isabella Swan," he said, his gaze boring into my own. "I will love you until the end of the world. Please don't go away—" His voice broke, and he closed his eyes, swallowing hard before continuing. "Please don't leave me just when I've found you again."

I continued to stare for another fraction of a second, my mind refusing to believe the syllables still ringing in my ears. And then something snapped, and I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck as a ragged, tearless sob escaped from my throat. Instantly, his arms encircled me, holding me tighter than all of the half-remembered careful touches of my previous life put together.

He was real, he was awake, and he loved me. My brain was suddenly too small to hold anything else.

We sat there on the floor, tangled up around each other, as the world outside grew dark. Edward held me close, placing kisses in my hair, and my chest thrummed with life, with joy, the wound finally healed after six long months.

The minutes slid by unnoticed, but eventually I pulled back to look at him, tracing the lines of his face, the curve of his mouth, his arms still around me. His skin was soft and warm under my smooth fingertips, such a difference from the cold stone-like surface I remembered, but I couldn't bring myself to regret the change.

"Tell me this is real," I breathed, staring at him, unblinking, almost afraid he would disappear if I looked away.

He smiled my favorite half-smile and held me tighter. "I'm the one who's been hallucinating, remember? Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I smiled back but held my tongue. There would be plenty of time later, when he had had more time to heal, to tell him about my hallucinations while he was gone.

"'I dreamt my lady came and found me dead,'" he quoted then, bringing a hand up to trace patterns on my face, "'and breathed such life with kisses in my lips, that I revived, and was an emperor.'"

He kissed me gently, almost shyly, then abruptly pulled back, straightening up. I looked up at him, confused by the sudden movement, to find his eyes far away and his brow furrowed.

"What is it?" I asked, the old fears starting to creep back in.

"It's Alice," he said, sounding bewildered. "She's standing on the stairs, yelling at me."

"She is?" I asked, sitting up and looking around, as though that would let me hear her better.

"Mentally," Edward clarified, still distracted. "Oh," he said after a moment, his expression clearing and the corner of his mouth hitching upwards. "She says we had better get downstairs – everyone is waiting."


	21. Chapter 21: Love Lived Backwards

**Chapter 21 – Love Lived Backwards **

"Oh God," Edward breathed, his expression falling; the phrase sounded more like a prayer than a profanity, coming from him. "They're all downstairs – my family. I asked Carlisle to gather everyone together," he whispered, looking at me, his face stricken.

"I know," I replied softly, not quite sure what had made him so upset.

"I was going to tell them goodbye," he continued, dropping his gaze. "I was going to kill myself."

"I know," I repeated, finding his hand and squeezing it.

When he finally turned back to me, his dark eyes were wild and haunted. He stared at me blankly for a moment, then blinked, his eyebrows drawing together. "You were here," he said flatly, though the confusion was written clearly on his face.

"Yes," I said evenly, slowly. "I came in through the window while you were talking to Alice and Carlisle in the hall."

His gaze darted away again as he processed this, towards the open expanse where the glass pane had been removed. "And you were there this morning, when I…" He trailed off with a groan, scrunching his eyes shut. "I've been truly horrible to you," he ground out, his eyes still closed, "and to my family."

I slid closer to him across the gold carpet, threading my fingers through his hair and pulling him to me. Instantly, he wrapped his arms around my waist and hid his face against my shoulder. "No one cares about that right now," I murmured softly, though I was momentary distracted by the silky feel of his hair under my fingertips. "They all want you to get better. Everything else can wait."

Edward was quiet for a long moment, his fingers tangled in the fabric of my shirt, and I closed my eyes and breathed him in.

"I lied to you," he said finally, his voice raw.

It was my turn to sit in silence then, as the shadow of the old wound in my chest – the scar the wound had left behind – rippled uncomfortably, memories of that last day in the woods, six months ago today, pushing at the edges of my shield. I swallowed, shoving the scattered images back, and clung more tightly to him. "That's what Alice and Jasper have been trying to convince me is true," I replied, struggling to keep my voice level.

"It _is_ true," he insisted, pulling back just far enough to meet my eyes. "I lied to them as well, but my lie to you was infinitely more insidious."

I stared back at him, searching his face, and found that doubt still curled in the pit of my stomach, despite everything that had happened in the last half hour, despite his declarations of love and his kisses still lingering on my lips. "They said you lied to protect me," I said, rather than verify or deny his claim, "to put distance between your world and me."

His brow creased again, and he looked sick and sad, heartbroken and guilty. I wanted to pull him close and never let him go, but I also wanted to be able to see his eyes, so I settled on running my fingers through the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

"That's why I left," he answered, his voice ragged, "to protect you from my world. I lied so you would let me leave."

I gazed up at him, my jaw clenched shut, worried what things would slip out if I opened it.

"And yet," he said when I didn't speak, raising a finger to trace the dark circles under my eyes again. "And yet for all that, this damnation managed to claim you anyway."

Tucking everything but what I wanted to say back behind my shield, I opened my mouth slowly, carefully. "Is it damnation," I asked, my voice soft under the iron control I held on it, "if we're together?"

Edward's eyes searched my face, and some of the haunted look seemed to leave him, as the corner of his mouth hitched upwards in a small, lopsided smile, though the rest of him still radiated melancholy.

"I mean, we're alive, right?" I continued, my hand spasming against his hair. "Or whatever this is – not dead. We've got Romeo and Juliet beat there, at least."

His smile intensified, but the haunted look was back behind his eyes, and he raised a hand from my waist to just below my jaw, cupping my neck. Instinctively I leaned towards him.

"And we have our family," I pushed on when he still didn't reply, the desperation to justify this existence growing in my chest. "And the rest of eternity together, if we want it. How can that be damnation?"

Edward was still smiling slightly, but it had taken on a sick twinge, and I could see a mocking sorrow in the set of his mouth. "Is that why you did it?" he asked gently, running his thumb along the edge of my jaw, his stone skin sliding smoothly past mine. "Is that why you found someone to change you, even after I left? So we could have a second chance at forever?"

I stared up at him in growing shock as the implication of what he was saying sank in. "I didn't go looking for this!" I gasped, jerking my head back, easily escaping his grasp.

His empty hand hung in midair for a moment then dropped listlessly to his lap, but his eyes remained on my face. "I'm not angry," he said, his voice still gentle, understanding. "It was the right thing to do. I never would have had the strength—"

"You're not _angry_?" I cut him off harshly, the surprise finally giving way to indignation. "You think I went out and found someone to change me and _you're not angry? _ This wasn't my choice! I've done the best I could with the situation—" I stopped talking abruptly, squeezing my eyes shut as memories of the last six months flooded my mind before I could contain them.

"I _tried_, Edward," I continued through my teeth a moment later, my hands balled into tight fists in my lap, my traitorous fingertips already missing the feel of his hair. "I tried to go on living after you left. I really did. But it was too much. Too big of a loss," I said, staring down at my fists, my eyes burning. "It would have killed me eventually, I'm sure of it. It had been nearly six months, and I had to find some evidence that you had ever actually existed at all."

"Six months?" he murmured, his voice strangely flat, and I looked up to see him close his eyes slowly. "What's the date today?" he asked softly, his forehead wrinkling.

"March sixteenth," I answered just as quietly, some of the fight going out of me in the face of his bewilderment. "For a little while longer, at least," I added, feeling the events of the last twenty-four hours weighing on me.

He opened his eyes slowly, looking at me with that same blank confusion. "It's six months today, then. When…" He paused, his gaze flickering across my eyes and the bruises beneath them. "How long has it been since you were changed?"

"Twelve days. Nine since I woke up," I whispered in reply, keeping my tone neutral.

Edward closed his eyes again, pain flitting across his face as he turned his head, as though trying to avoid an unpleasant noise. "I'm sorry," he murmured, "Alice won't stop yelling at me, and I can't seem to… block her out…" His jaw clenched, his head tilting to the side, before he opened his eyes again and looked at me. "Did you say twelve days?" he asked, sounding even more confused.

I glanced at the closed bedroom door, imagining my tiny sister just beyond, standing on the staircase, hands her on hips, mentally shouting at the top of her lungs. _Jazz, please_, I flickered my shield rapidly, _just a few more minutes_.

Muffled footsteps floated to our ears from three stories below, then hissed voices on the stairs. The door blocked more of the sound than I would have thought, but I recognized the timbre of Jasper's voice, then Alice's, then, to my surprise, Rosalie's, followed by a quick retort from Alice, and a much calmer reply from Jasper. A moment later the footsteps retreated back down the stairs, the sound overshadowed by Jasper's quick knocking on the wooden banister:

_Five minutes_, he tapped out. _Try to pull it together, the natives are getting restless_.

"What was that?" Edward asked, also looking at the door.

"That was Jasper," I replied. "Couldn't you hear them?"

He shook his head absently. "Esme soundproofs our houses best she can, with the door closed you can't ever hear much," he said, mistaking what I meant by _hear_, then shaking his head and pressing on before I could clarify. "You said it's been _twelve days_?"

I nodded slowly. "Nine since I woke up," I said again.

He stared at me for a long moment. "But… your eyes," he said, sadness naked in his voice.

Dropping my gaze to my hands, still balled in my lap, I sat silent as I tried to decide what to tell him, and how. "Carlisle said it was similar with Esme," I said finally, choosing my words carefully, my voice soft. "I just don't have as much of my own blood left as the average newborn. But yes, it hasn't even been two weeks yet," I added, looking up at him, my chin still tilted downwards, to gauge his reaction.

I watched as some sort of realization lit behind his eyes. "Two weeks this Saturday," he said flatly. It wasn't a question. "I saw you. You were in a river… bleeding." He met my gaze, silently pleading with me to confirm that he wasn't crazy.

"_I don't know how, Alice, but I saw it. She was alone and bleeding in the woods. She was so fragile, and I tried but I couldn't…"_

His words to Alice, half an hour and an eternity ago, echoed through my perfect memory again. "I saw you, too," I whispered.

Edward huffed out a bit of air, still staring at me with a mixture of disbelief and awe written clearly across his face. "I thought you were dead," he said in a rush, his voice choking on the last word. "When Alice called I was certain she knew… You've been with them this whole time?"

"Since last Thursday," I replied softly, clinging to the safer topic. "I went to Denali, and they were there."

"Why Denali?" he asked, and I wondered just how tenuous his hold on the present was.

"When I… woke up, I had to find help somewhere," I said, after watching him in silence for a few breaths. "I remembered that there were other vegetarian vampires there, that Laurent had gone there—"

"Laurent?" Edward asked, suddenly looking much more alert. "What does Laurent have to do with…" He trailed off, the pieces fitting together almost visibly behind his eyes, and in an instant, his face transformed into a mask of rage. "I'll kill him," he growled, starting to stand. "He _attacked_ you?"

I leaned forward and grabbed his hand, tugging him back to the carpet beside me, my newborn strength pulling him down easily. "He's already dead," I said as he settled to the floor again, my hand still wrapped around his. "The werewolves got him, right after he bit me. If they'd gotten there just a minute or two earlier…" I trailed off, shrugging, turning Edward's hand over in mine. I didn't really want to imagine where I would be if Laurent _hadn't_ attacked me.

"The werewolves?" Edward asked, his anger jumping to the new target.

"They're the only reason he didn't kill me on the spot," I said. "He dropped me to run from them, gave me some time to get away. And then after…" I shrugged again, trying to downplay it. "After I woke up, they chased me into Canada, but otherwise didn't make an issue out of me. Carlisle has already spoken to them too, the treaty still holds. It's fine. We're fine."

He was silent for a long moment, considering my words while his fingers traced patterns across the backs of my own. "Are _we_ fine?" he asked, his voice calm again, leaning down to catch my gaze.

I looked at him and then away again, the scar of my newly-healed wound twisting. "Do you want me here?" I asked, barely breathing the words.

"More than anything," he whispered back, huddling close to my neck, his breath stirring strands of my hair. "I meant what I said, Bella: if you let me, I'll spend the rest of forever making this up to you."

I filled and emptied my lungs twice, waiting for his words to take root in my heart, waiting for the realization, for some fundamental shift in how I saw the world, saw him, saw myself. But none came. My scar pricked, and there was nothing but the silent, sincere man beside me asking for my forgiveness, the crescent moon rising pale outside, and the stillness of my dead heart.

"Was there someone else?" I asked, wondering as I said it if this could be it, the thing I needed to know, the last holdout preventing me from accepting Edward at his word. "While you were gone, was there anyone else?"

He pulled back slightly, and I glanced up at him to find a sick, anguished look on his face, and for half a second my stomach clenched. But then he shook his head. "No, never," he said. "There could never be anyone else, Bella."

I nodded and didn't reply, still feeling his words floating on the surface, somehow unable to internalize them the way I wished I could.

"Was there someone else for you?" he asked when I didn't speak, his voice stricken.

His pain finally broke through the barrier, making my silent heart flinch. I threw myself at him, my eyes burning, and burrowed under his arm, wanting nothing more than to feel how real he was, feel his love seeping through his fingertips into my skin, and find a way to believe it was true.

"Only you," I murmured into his chest, as he kissed the top of my head and tangled his hands in my hair. "Only ever you."

–o–

We finally made our way downstairs, before Alice or Jasper could insist that our time was up. Descending hand in hand, we found the others sitting in the living room, their faces anxious. Six pairs of golden eyes turned to look at us as we paused at the bottom of the stairs, and for a moment the room was absolutely still. And then Esme gave a strangled cry, jumping to her feet and running to Edward, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Promise me you'll never even _think_ like that again!" she said, leaning back to give him a stern look. "I can't stand the thought of losing you!" she added, and I realized belatedly that she was referring to Edward's decision to kill himself.

He smiled at her, but his eyes had taken on a haunted look again. "I promise, Mother," he said softly, hugging her.

Alice stood and crossed the room at a more sedate pace, her lips pressed into a thin, unhappy line, and stopped beside Edward as Esme stepped back. She stared up at him for a long moment, then punched his arm, hard enough to produce an audible _thump_.

"Ow, hey," Edward said, rubbing his arm, eliciting a laugh from Emmett from his seat beside Rose on the sofa, but Alice just narrowed her eyes at Edward. He huffed out a sigh, and shifted his weight, staring back at her, and from a lifetime ago I recognized the body language that meant they were engaged in their silent communication.

From across the room, Jasper caught my eye, giving me a significant, worried look, which I easily interpreted as meaning something like, _Are you okay?_

_Better now_, I fluttered at him with my shield.

He raised an eyebrow, and for a fraction of a second my emotions were pulled in every possible direction – panic and then joy, fear, then sorrow, and back to a careful, unsteady joy. His question came through clearly: _Really? You were all over the place there_.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him, though I was sure he would read the emotion anyway. _He put me through a bit of a rollercoaster. But it's fine now, so stop worrying_, I told him.

I caught the shadow of a scowl forming between Jasper's eyebrows before he banished it. Edward had finished his silent conversation with Alice and was talking to Carlisle, though he kept eyeing me oddly. I smiled at him and slipped my hand back into his, gripping it in what I hoped was a reassuring way. _How is he?_ I flickered at Jasper without looking away from Edward.

A warm feeling spread outward from my stomach, followed by a jittery and nearly nauseous feeling. Happy, but even more unsteady than I was feeling. I clasped Edward's hand tighter and sent a silent _thank you_ to Jasper.

"You'll need to keep to a regular schedule of hunts, several times a week," Carlisle was saying to Edward, "but I believe your body is already on its way to healing itself."

"I think I can handle that," Edward replied, smiling slightly. "Especially now that I have a new hunting partner," he added, giving my hand a squeeze.

I blinked, feeling suddenly off-balance, and had to clench my jaw to keep it from falling open. Despite having hunted with Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper during the past week, somehow it hadn't even occurred to me that I might get to hunt with Edward. I had been so fixated on how to survive the pain, and how to spare Edward from even more agony, that the idea of some sort of happily-ever-after, complete with hunting, had never so much as crossed my mind.

"_Is that something I might get to see?" _I had asked about Edward's hunting trips, so long ago now.

"_Absolutely not!" _he had snapped. I had been too fragile, too tempting, too _human_ to be allowed to see him like that.

But I wasn't human anymore.

"When can we go?" I blurted out, my voice eager, interrupting Carlisle's detailed explanation of the physicality of blood deprivation, and earning another raucous laugh from Emmett.

"Ah, newborns," he chuckled, shaking his head. "Always hungry."

"Oh, of course," Edward said, turning to me, "I didn't even think – the thirst must be terrible for you. When was the last time you hunted?"

"This morning," I replied, shrugging off his worry. "The thirst hasn't been bad. I can sort of block it out. But I _want_ to go," I added, quieter, suddenly feeling shy. "When you're up to it, that is."

But Edward was looking at Alice again, one eyebrow cocked. "A shield?" he asked, glancing from Alice to me and finally to Carlisle.

The older man shrugged, smiling at me before addressing Edward. "Eleazar's term, but it seems to be accurate. It appears to be more mental than physical, but I'll leave it to Bella to fill you in on the details."

"Is that why I couldn't read your mind, before?" Edward asked, turning to me and stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, our hands still clasped between us.

I nodded in reply, momentarily unable to form words, my mind completely fixated on the feeling of his skin against mine. "Can you now?" I asked, once I had regained the power of speech.

He shook his head, smiling his perfect half-smile. "Silent as ever."

I smiled back at him, feeling something like the unsettled jitteriness Jasper had demonstrated a few moments earlier, and then grinned in earnest when Rosalie made gagging noises from her seat next to Emmett.

"Enough with the googly eyes! At least buy the girl dinner first, Edward," she taunted, "before I reconsider dismantling the Martin's engine."

That caught his attention. "What about my car?" he asked, his head whipping in Rose's direction, eliciting another loud laugh from Emmett and chuckles from the others.

"Are you feeling up to hunting now?" I asked as the laughter died down. "I know you've already eaten twice today, but—" I stopped talking abruptly as perfect memories of his earlier meals flooded my mind: the angry, nearly hateful look he had given me over the stag in the garage, and the way his shoulders had slumped when he'd caught sight of me after his hunt with Emmett and Carlisle.

The scar in my chest pricked and burned, and over it I could feel my shield kicking in, my fingers and toes going numb as it began to separate my mind from the pain in my body. I forced my fingers to cling to Edward's hand, trying to convince myself that he was real, that what had passed between us before didn't matter anymore, that things would be different now that he knew he wasn't hallucinating. But no matter how I tried to pack the memories away, more took their place, feeding that nagging seed of doubt and making my barely-healed chest ache.

Jasper was there within the space of a single breath, standing opposite Edward, his hand under my elbow and his influence flowing through me, buoying me as the memories and the doubt threatened to drag me down.

"Easy, Bella," Jasper said, gripping my elbow. "Just breathe."

I nodded, leaning on his hand, and forced air into my lungs, past the constricting pain of the scar. The memories refused to be contained, so instead I tried to focus on every clear, good memory of Edward I could call to mind – the way he had kissed me and held me upstairs, the way he had looked at me in the van in Rio, the way—

"_Bella_," Carlisle's emphatic tone pulled me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to find him standing very close, leaning down to get a better view of my face. Jasper shifted away slightly, but kept his hand on my left elbow, his emotional support never wavering.

On my right, Edward's hold on my hand had become a death grip. I tried to squeeze his hand, or run my thumb over his knuckles, but I could still only barely feel my own fingers, much less command them to move through the barrier of my shield.

"What's going on? What's wrong?" Edward asked, the questions seemingly addressed to everyone and no one. He leaned closer, brushing my shoulder with his.

Carlisle, looking satisfied with whatever he had been able to discern by examining my face, met my gaze then with a subtle questioning look. I answered with a quick nod, and he smiled and squeezed my chin in his fatherly way, before releasing me and turning to Edward.

"It's one of the side effects of Bella's gift," Carlisle said. "Her shield is quite powerful, and it has, on occasion, managed to block her body from her mind, producing something akin to fainting. Nothing to be overly concerned about. I'm sure you remember how difficult your own gift was early on, Edward," he added with a smile.

I glanced up at Edward, who was staring at Carlisle and did not look convinced, his eyes still wide over the dark purple bruises. Finally forcing my shield back, I managed to flex my fingers around his awkwardly.

His head jerked towards me and he blinked, as though just remembering that I was real. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Really?"

I nodded, feeling the corners of my mouth turning up without having to force them. "Nothing a bear or two won't cure. Just don't be surprised if I still fall down from time to time."

At that, Edward snorted, the haunted look finally leaving his eyes. "Bears? Who has been teaching you to hunt, Emmett?"

"Damn right!" Emmett shot back from the couch, but Edward kept talking as though he hadn't heard him.

"I cannot let this stand," he continued, shaking his head in mock seriousness while the others laughed. "You must be shown what real hunting is. Come on, we don't have a moment to lose!" he said, grinning at me despite his solemn tone and pulling me towards the front door.

"Send us a postcard!" Emmett hollered after us as the door closed behind us.

Edward paused once we were off the front porch, turning to me and grabbing my other hand as well, still grinning like an idiot. "So, shall we hike, or take one of the cars, then hike?"

I could feel myself grinning back at him, and knew that the lightness in my chest and butterflies in my stomach were all me, and none of Jasper's influence. "Well, uh…" I said, blinking, trying to force my mind to focus on Edward's words and not the god-like vision of him smiling at me in the starlight. "Charlie thinks I'm in California with your family, so we should probably stay off the roads, just in case."

His smile faltered slightly at the mention of Charlie, but he nodded. "Hiking it is, then," he said. He hesitated a moment, then leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips, almost shyly. Leaning back, he searched my eyes for a moment, then laced our fingers together and led the way north, into the moonlit woods.


	22. Chapter 22: An Unbeating Heart

A/N: Sorry for the extremely long wait on this one, but I am indeed still alive and working away on this. This chapter is a bit of a roller coaster, but I promise, we're still heading towards the happily-ever-after in just a few chapters here. ;)

Many many thanks to my amazing beta and baby sister, Jezunya, who continues to stick with me through all this madness, cheering me on and fixing my typos. Couldn't do this without you.

* * *

**Chapter 22 – An Unbeating Heart**

The crescent moon climbed higher in the sky as Edward and I wound our way through the woods, our fingers intertwined, hands swinging easily between us as we walked. All the urgency I had felt over the last few days had evaporated, leaving only this fragile joy. I still felt unsettled somehow, off balance, but as we meandered north, I tried to convince myself that every step forward moved me further away from the tumultuous events of the last few days, and the devastation of the last six months.

"I'm still trying to piece it all together," Edward said over the nighttime sounds of the forest, after we had been walking for several minutes. "You've had a busy fortnight, I suppose," he added, smiling at me slightly. My human eyes hadn't been able to fully appreciate the beauty of Edward in the moonlight, and for a moment I stared at him, unblinking.

"It feels like it's been a lot longer than that," I replied finally, looking away.

"How much do you remember?" he asked when I didn't go on.

"From before? Everything. It's blurry, but it's all there," I said quietly.

We walked on, and I glanced over to find him smiling sadly.

"I'm not sure if I should be glad that you still remember our first months together," he said, "or sorry that not even the change could free you of the memory of what I did to you."

I flinched, the scar on my chest stabbing sharply as memories of that day six months ago flooded my mind, and I knew that Edward felt the movement through our joined hands.

"Though my memory of it will always be infinitely clearer, I'm afraid," he murmured, rubbing his thumb along the back of my hand, his stone skin ever so slightly warm against mine.

"Not that it excuses my behavior," he continued a moment later, "but I was on the brink of returning to you, two weeks ago. Each hour was a struggle, trying to convince myself to stay away, that you would be better off without me. And then when I saw you in the river—" He cut off abruptly, the muscles of his jaw standing out tense beneath his skin.

The world spun around me, and suddenly Edward had me pressed up against the base of a tree, faster than human eyes would have been able to follow. "I thought you were dead," he whispered, his cheek smooth and warm against mine and his breath at my ear, "and it nearly destroyed me."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, glad that he couldn't see my face in that moment. "I thought you didn't love me," I replied, just as softly, "and it _nearly_—" my throat closed around the word, it was such a lie, "—destroyed me."

Edward made a strange strangled noise, both a sob and a laugh, and leaned back to look at me. "Let's not do that to each other again, agreed?" he said, his hands on my face.

I nodded, putting my hands over his as he leaned in to cover my lips with his, and returned his kiss with as much gusto as I could summon, the scar across my chest still prickling.

We continued on our journey a few minutes later, our hands once again clasped between us. Blurry memories of the night Edward had left me in the woods, only a few short miles from here, surged through my brain, but as I packed them away behind my wall of white noise, I started to think about what he had just said.

"So if you thought I was dead," I said slowly, allowing my mind to be enthralled by this new puzzle, drawing me away from my dark memories, "what did you think I was, the last two days?"

He sighed out a puff of air, shaking his head slightly. "A ghost? A demon? My own hallucination? I honestly didn't know. After feeding this morning, I was fairly certain that I was seeing your ghost, but that only served to make what I had to do all the clearer."

My stomach clenched at the mention of his decision to commit suicide, the pain entirely separate from the scar on my chest. "Would you have gone through with it?" I asked quietly when he didn't go on.

Edward looked over at me, his black irises glinting in the moonlight. "Undoubtedly. I nearly did earlier this week, as it was. But I couldn't, until I knew for sure you were dead. And yet, I also couldn't bring myself to return to Forks to confirm my fears. When Alice called me—" He broke off abruptly, blinking at me. "That was actually you on the phone, wasn't it?" he asked.

I smiled at the bewilderment in his voice. "It was. I grabbed the phone from Alice at the last minute. The idea that you were right there…" I trailed off, shrugging. The memory of how I had felt in that instant was at such odds with the current moment, that I pushed it back behind the wall of white noise before it could take root.

"I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me it was you," he said, staring into the distance. "I was so sure you were dead. Not even seeing you could convince me otherwise. I'm still not one hundred percent certain that you're really here." He stopped walking and turned to face me, running the fingertips of his free hand lightly over my cheekbone, the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. "But if you want me here, how can I even consider anything else?"

"I want you here," I whispered, looking up at him, barely breathing.

He smiled down at me in earnest, then leaned in and kissed me again. I pulled him towards me, putting my new vampire strength to good use, and returned the kiss fiercely. Tangling my fingers in his hair, I poured everything I could into that kiss, all the loneliness, all the hurt and worry, all the joy I was afraid to let myself feel now. Edward clung to me as well, matching my ferocity.

"A few hundred more kisses like that," he sighed happily when we finally broke apart, resting his forehead on mine, "and I'll either be convinced that you're real, or too far gone to care if I'm insane."

"A mountain lion or two might help with that, too," I replied, feeling myself smiling without conscious thought.

"Right, I knew there was a reason we were in the woods in the middle of the night," he said dryly, kissing my forehead and straightening up, again taking my hand and leading me north.

We walked on, and as the fog of our recent kissing lifted, my brain once again began tangling with the mundane details of what Edward had said. "So you could see me, and you recognized that it was me," I started, speaking slowly even as my mind buzzed, "but you still thought I was dead?"

Edward looked down at me, cocking an eyebrow in amusement. "It's so easy to forget how much of a newborn you are," he replied, "and all the hyper-fixation that comes with that." He looked away, out at the dark forest. "Let's just say I haven't been in the best mental health and leave it at that, shall we?" he said softly.

The ghost of my own hallucination sidled up to me, that blurry, imperfectly formed Edward borne of a broken heart, but I brushed it away, back behind my memory shield. "And you didn't notice that I changed clothes?" I pushed on. "That my nails are painted?"

He turned back to me as we walked, giving me a skeptical look and raising our joined hands to examine my fingernails, as though he was just now noticing the dark red polish. "I may be crazy, Bella," he said, letting our hands drop, "but I'm still a man."

I grinned up at him as he leaned away, looking me over. "When did you get new clothes, anyway?" he asked. "Or find time to paint your nails?"

"Rosalie painted them for me late last night, after we got back from the airport. And Alice went clothes shopping for me last week," I added, making a face.

"Rose painted your fingernails?" Edward asked in disbelief, then shook his head. "That's one point in favor of you not being a hallucination: I never would have dreamed that one up. Anything else I should know about?"

I shrugged, not sure how to express everything I had been through in the last few days, the strength I had found and the relationships I had reformed, without dragging down the tone of our conversation. "Alice is helping me study to take the GED," I said, picking the most mundane topic. "She seems to think we're all headed to college in the fall. I've finished History and Spanish, just Calculus to go still."

"You really have had a busy two weeks. And hunting every day on top of that, I assume?"

"Not every day," I replied, shaking my head. "My shield blocks out the thirst a bit, so it hasn't been bad."

"How many times have you gone hunting?" he asked, helping me over a fallen log, though I probably could have thrown it further than he could, now.

"Four times," I answered, once my feet were back on solid ground. "A moose on my own when I was trying to get to Denali, a couple of bears with Emmett, and a mountain lion with Jasper this morning."

"A mountain lion?" Edward repeated, and peripherally I registered that he looked slightly hurt. But my mind had already jumped ahead, consumed by a suddenly very pressing topic.

In the nine days since I had woken up in the river, I had hunted and killed four animals. And each time, I had walked away covered in blood and dirt. I had gotten better at it with each successive hunt, but as my perfect memory flashed back on Edward's pristine white shirt as he stood over the corpse of the stag in the garage, I was abruptly and overwhelmingly mortified.

It was one thing to make a bloody mess in front of Jasper or Emmett or Rosalie, but a completely different thing in front of _Edward_. I felt the absence of a blush, my stone skin as cold and unblemished as ever, even as my stomach dropped and my scalp seemed to shrink. I had been so enthralled by the idea of hunting with Edward that I hadn't stopped to think that Edward would be hunting with _me_.

"_Is that something I might get to see?"_

"_Absolutely not!"_

"Bella?" Edward's voice broke through my building self-consciousness, sounding worried. "Are you alright?" he asked, and I looked up to find that we had stopped walking.

"I don't think I feel like hunting," I said in a small voice.

"Oh," Edward said. His expression fell, then turned impassive in less than a human heartbeat. "Of course, if you hunted this morning. Shall we go back to the house?" he asked, too formal.

"No, you should hunt," I replied quickly. "I'll just… watch," I added, feeling awkward.

He softened slightly. "You don't need to do that, Bella. But," he hesitated, then pressed on in a rush, "I thought you were excited to hunt with me."

I dropped my eyes, my mental chagrin as powerful as any physical blush. "I was – I am," I said quietly, still looking away. "It's just… I make a bit of a mess. And you're always so _clean_."

Edward's laugh startled me, its perfect echoes bouncing off the surrounding trees. "You're _embarrassed_?" he asked, placing a finger under my chin and tilting it up until my gaze met his. "You really must tell me what you're thinking, Bella, or I'll go mad from assumptions. Emmett and Jasper didn't show you how to keep from getting blood everywhere?"

"There's a trick to it?" I asked, suddenly indignant. It wasn't such a stretch to imagine Emmett withholding such information for his own amusement, but Jasper? He was going to have to explain himself once I got back to the house.

"A very simple one," Edward replied, wearing my favorite lopsided grin. "Although, I suppose I should be glad neither Jasper nor Emmett took it upon themselves to teach you," he added softly, a strange expression crossing his face.

"And why is that?" I snipped back, still annoyed at my absent brothers.

Edward chuckled huskily, his dark eyes glittering in the moonlight. He sauntered closer to me, suddenly towering over me, the subtle heat of his body radiating across the few scant inches of cool nighttime air that separated us. I tilted my head back to look up at him, my irritation of a moment ago completely forgotten, and my unnecessary breathing becoming shallow and quick as the mood shifted palpably.

"There is a trick to it," he said, leaning in to place a kiss just below my left ear, and even my boundless vampire mind took a moment to remember what we had been talking about, my head full of his honey-lilac-sunshine scent. "But it's the sort of technique that is better demonstrated than explained," he continued, dropping open-mouthed kisses down the length of my neck. I leaned into his touch, stretching my neck to give him better access, and trusting my brain to follow whatever it was he was saying.

"Believe me," Edward continued, his hands settling at the base of my spine, just a bit too low for polite company, even as he continued to kiss his way towards my shoulder, "if not for my telepathy as a newborn, and Carlisle's medical expertise, he would have had a _very_ uncomfortable time trying to explain the mechanics to me."

He reached my collar bone and nipped at it softly, his teeth just barely grazing my skin, before changing directions and angling towards my right shoulder. I made a breathy purring noise deep in my throat to indicate I was still listening, if only barely.

"When the time came to teach Esme to hunt," Edward went on, continuing his path of kisses up the right side of my neck, "I was more than happy to let Carlisle handle it."

"Why's that?" I managed to slur out, just before Edward took my right earlobe in his mouth, sucking on it with the most delicate pressure, and my ability to form words fled from my brain.

"You see," he said, again switching tracks and starting down the edge of my jaw, "it's all about suction." He kissed the corner of my mouth, laughing softly as I balled my hands in the front of his shirt, trying to fight the urge to tackle him. "And timing," he added, still chuckling, as he languidly kissed the opposite corner, "and patience."

Patience was the last thing on my mind, but I forced myself to relax, and tried to focus on what he was saying rather than on the feel of his lips against my skin, the pressure of his hands at the small of my back, the smell of his hair, the heat of his body—

"You've hunted before," Edward was saying, his breath at my left ear again, "so I think we can assume you have _timing_ and _patience_ well in hand."

I hummed in agreement, willing him to move faster, but he held to his leisurely pace, nuzzling the curve of my ear before returning his lips to my neck again.

"When you have your prey cornered," he said, pausing to kiss the point on my neck where my pulse had once thrummed, just beneath the surface, "and you go in for the kill, your goal should be to _puncture_, not bite. The lightest pressure is all it takes." He opened his mouth wide, and I could feel his razor-sharp teeth ghosting mere millimeters above my stone skin, directly over my dead pulse point, sending whisper-shivers down my spine.

"And then," he continued, his voice smooth, unhurried, though his hands pressed me closer, "once you've punctured the artery, you simply have to form a seal."

In a flash, Edward's mouth made contact with the base of my neck again, assaulting the silent vein with a force that made my knees go weak and the breath catch in my throat. I suddenly understood what he meant by _seal_– and suction. Visions rose to my mind of bruised skin, broken blood vessels, the sort of mark I wouldn't have been able to hide from Charlie with my inept makeup skills. I felt Edward's shirt tear beneath my fingers, as insubstantial as cobwebs, as I clawed at the fabric, trying desperately to get closer to him.

I had no foggy human memories to compare this to. It had never been like this, Edward's lips at my neck, the force and pressure marking me as his. It would never have been like this, in that blurry half-life – his teeth would never have been this close to my fragile human skin, to my blood rushing below. It was a danger he never would have allowed, no matter what we had to give up in exchange.

But I wasn't a fragile, appetizing human anymore.

My hands found his shoulders of their own accord, leaving a path of ruined fabric in their wake, as Edward continued at my neck, unabated. I wrapped myself around him, dragging my fingers through his hair, wishing for this to never end, and yet feeling the tension building to a fever pitch. My breath was ragged in my chest, syncopated and uneven, making up for my absent heartbeat.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly stand any more and remain in one piece, Edward surfaced, took my face in his hands, and kissed me fervently. There was nothing shy or hesitant about this kiss, our tongues warring for dominance, our bodies pressed together from shoulder to hip.

Edward broke off the kiss before I was ready for it to end, leaning back just slightly to look me in the eye, his hands still on my face.

"Now show me," he said simply, his dark eyes burning.

But I hardly needed the encouragement. I tackled Edward before the echoes of his words had faded from the nighttime air, knocking him to the ground and letting myself be pulled down with him. Hovering over him, my body flush with his, I found the spot at the base of his neck where his blood had once flown, so long ago now, and paused to breathe in his scent.

With Edward's honey-lilac-sunshine smell filling my head and my chest, I did as he had done, dragging my teeth a hair's breadth above his skin, pantomiming piercing the skin as he had described. Instinct – sexual or predatory, I couldn't say – kicked in then, and I launched myself at the long-dead vein, pressing my open mouth to it and forming a seal against his skin with my lips.

I both felt and heard Edward's sharp intake of breath below me, his hands coming up to grip my hips. His head fell back, giving me better access to his neck, which I greedily took, adjusting my angle and drawing in more of his skin under my lips. Edward groaned, his hands spasming against me, which only spurred me on.

I pressed myself closer, my vast vampire brain somehow following two lines of thought simultaneously, both imagining the hunt to come – the animal powerless beneath me, its blood hot in my mouth – and imaging the things I would do to Edward, now that we were finally on equal footing, now that my humanity could no longer come between us.

Without removing my mouth from Edward's neck or lessening the pressure there, I let my hands roam down his body, relearning the planes of his chest through his tattered shirt. A flick of my fingers removed the buttons from their threads, and I pushed aside the remains of the fabric, skimming my fingertips over his skin, like velvet stretched over granite. Edward shuddered, clutching me tighter. I trailed one hand down his side, grazing his hip bone, the waistband of his pants…

Edward growled deep in his throat, and quick as lightning flipped us over, breaking my seal on his neck. For just an instant he pressed against me, trapping me between his stone body and the soft forest floor, and words fled my brain at the feel of him. I growled in reply, reaching for him, but he was already gone, crouched over me instead, leaving far too much cool air between our bodies.

He leaned down and kissed me once, fiercely, before I could object to his distance, and then rasped two words in my ear, his voice primal and wild:

"_Let__'__s __hunt_."

He rose, turned, and bolted into the woods, nearly a blur even to my eyes. Bounding to my feet, I followed him, venom beginning to coat my mouth and a smile playing about my lips. Edward had always been fast, but I was faster now. I caught up to him easily, keeping pace as we dashed between the trees.

He glanced at me sidelong as we ran, his black irises glinting dangerously and a smirk curving the corners of his mouth. I grinned back, and felt it widen as Edward pushed himself still faster, pulling ahead of me and disappearing into the foliage again. Speeding up as well, I closed in on him in a matter of seconds – and kept going. I looped in front of him, crossing from his right to his left and back again, weaving between trees with exaggerated, mock laziness, even as I continued to grin at him.

The next time I crossed in front of him, Edward surprised me with a sprint, closing the distance between us, catching me around the waist and hauling us to a stop. He kissed me then, all feral passion and need, his hands fisting in the back of my shirt. Just as hunting was taking a distant second in my list of desires, I caught the scent of something delicious on a breeze from the east. Edward caught it too, breaking the kiss and looking eastwards, his nostrils flaring.

"Do you smell it?" he asked, his voice rough. "Mountain lion!"

I did smell it, and I _wanted_ it. Almost as much as I wanted Edward. But as the mountain lion would have to be taken by force, I decided to give the animal priority now and take my time with the man later. I smirked up at him through my eyelashes, feeling the predator inside of me and not shying away from it.

Edward leaned down and kissed me once more, fervent but brief. "This one is yours," he growled when he broke away. "Go. I'll be right behind you."

I grinned at him for a fraction of a second, then dashed away, towards the east, his lesson still fresh in my mind. Behind me, I could hear Edward following, but I kept my attention on the mountain lion, chasing the breeze east until I picked up the animal's scent on the forest floor. Turning more northward, I followed its trail as it stretched out ahead of me through the woods. I dropped into a predatory crouch, running close to the ground as my hands curled into claws of their own accord.

The mountain lion's aroma was a bright ribbon through the trees, growing warmer as I went, pulling me forward and stoking the burn at the back of my throat. It mixed with Edward's scent wafting from my clothing to form something primal, primitive – my prey and my mate – spurring me onwards.

When the lion's trail leapt from the forest floor to the intertwined limbs overhead, I followed, jumping lightly from branch to branch as the animal's scent grew stronger, fresher. A moment later, the slow, wet beating of her heart let me know I was close. I paused, perched on a tree branch, and listened to the sound, admiring the hum of life, its beat so resolute and strong.

And all for me.

Creeping forward on silent feet, I matched my breathing to the she-lion's, drinking in the combined Edward-lion scent with each breath until my head spun, venom slick in my mouth. The trees pulled me higher, into branches too small for the mountain lion, and I followed her trail from above until I caught sight of the beast, golden and lanky, stretched out on a thick tree branch.

I was on her before she knew I was there, knocking her from her perch and pinning her as we hit the ground. In a flash I found her jugular, piercing the vein with the lightest of pressure, and then pressed my lips to the animal's furry neck. The she-lion's blood rushed into my mouth, quenching the burn in my throat, and I struggled to maintain the seal, to not lose myself entirely in the beat of the lion's heart, the sweet flavor of her blood. I angled myself closer, the memory of Edward's voice the last clear thought in my mind: _"__You __see, __it__'__s __all __about __suction__…"_

Her blood consumed me from the inside out, searing its way down my throat, igniting a warm glow in my stomach that spread to my limbs, until I was numb and heavy, and yet vitally alive. This was all there was, all there could ever be, the hot blood and Edward's scent clinging to me.

It was over far too soon, the mountain lion's heart stuttering to a stop, her blood slowing to a trickle. I broke away and leaned back, the sense of my own body slowly returning as I blinked around at the dark trees surrounding me, and for a moment I was wild and thoughtless. As I came back to myself, the memory of my conversation with Edward resurfaced, and I reached up and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. It came away without a spot of blood.

I stood and whirled around in one fluid motion, my pride in my accomplishment nearly bursting out of me. But where I had expected to find Edward, perhaps perched in a tree above me, there was only empty forest. Confused, I turned again, trying to get my bearings in the small clearing the lion and I had tumbled into. I knew the direction of true north at a deep, instinctual level, but in the sudden and absolute quiet I found myself questioning that knowledge.

"Edward?" I whispered as I spun slowly in the center of the clearing, knowing he would hear me.

The wind rustled the leaves overhead, but otherwise the woods were silent. My scalp prickled uncomfortably.

I had come from the southwest, and turning in that direction revealed the branch I had knocked the mountain lion from. A quick jump and I was back on the tree limb, deep gashes carved out of the bark by the lion's claws. But even from my new vantage point the forest was eerily quiet.

"Edward?" I called again, slightly louder, and the scar of the old wound in my chest tightened. I brushed the thought away before it could fully form, banishing it back behind my wall of white noise. Edward had said he would be right behind me, and while I was disappointed that he hadn't been there to see me take down the mountain lion, I resolutely pushed back against the wave of panic that threatened to overwhelm me.

I climbed higher, into the branches I had stalked the she-lion from, and as the breeze calmed momentarily, I drew a deep breath in and examined the aromas around me. Edward's smell still clung to my clothes, but it was fading, nearly as cold as the mountain lion's scent below me. I could pick out the trails of other animals nearby, layered over the moist smell of the forest, a fallen tree beginning to rot, clean water over the next hill… But Edward's scent was nowhere to be found.

My fingers tingled numbly and I slumped against the trunk of the tree, even as my breathing sped and my vision narrowed. He was gone. Edward was gone. Edward was gone and I was alone in the woods—

No. I pushed against my collapsing shield and tried to think clearly, though the tightness in my chest was making it difficult to breathe. Edward promised me he wasn't going anywhere, and he had just been right behind me. If I simply backtracked over my own path I would find him, or find where his trail split off from mine. He had probably caught a second scent, I argued with myself. He needed to hunt, so I could hardly begrudge him that.

_He__'__s __gone_, a dark corner of my mind whispered again, _if __he __was __ever __even __here __to __begin __with._

My chest seized painfully, and I gripped a nearby branch until it cracked and crumbled to dust in my hand. He had been here, hadn't he? In a fraction of a second, my mind raced through everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, then Rio before that, the preparations with the Cullens, finding them in Denali, the moose, the wolves, the river…

And before that, my hallucination of Edward. The dark months without him, and that last night in the woods.

I squeezed my eyes closed and blotted out the memories. He had just been here, not ten minutes ago. I could still smell him on my clothes. He was here, he was real, and he loved me. It was ridiculous to think—

"_You… don't… want me?"_

"_No."_

I tumbled out of the tree, somehow managing to land on my feet. Southwest. All I had to do was go southwest until I found our trail again. And then track Edward down, wherever he had gone. I forced my feet to move, placing one in front of the other slowly at first, and then faster. A light rain began to fall, the rhythm of raindrops hitting leaves overhead a metronome to my racing thoughts: _He__'__s __not __gone, __he__'__s __not __gone, __he__'__s __not __gone__…_

Suddenly there were arms around me, hauling me to a stop and spinning me around before pulling me into a rough embrace, and for a moment all I could process was Edward's bright scent, fresh in my lungs. And then I felt his breath on my cheek, felt his chest solid under my hands, and knew he was real. I threw my arms around his neck, holding him to me as tightly as he held me, and not sure I would ever be able to let go.

"You're here," I managed to squeak out, my painful memories still wringing the air from my chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, almost frantically, kissing my neck and clutching me tighter. "I had to—" _kiss_ "—get away," _kiss_. "I'm sorry," _kiss_.

I squirmed slightly in his arms, trying to lean back to see his face, but Edward held fast. "Get away?" I asked, attempting to make sense of his words. "From what?"

"It was all too much," he answered, turning his frenzied attention to my earlobe. "Seeing you take down that mountain lion. I didn't think I could control myself, so I ran."

I let out a huff of air, not quite a laugh. "I would have been happy to share."

"It wasn't the mountain lion I wanted," he growled.

"What?" It was hard to think with Edward kissing my neck again, and the memory of that last day in the woods six months ago still lingering just behind my shield.

"You were so… _sexy_. I didn't want to do something we would regret."

My mind spun, struggling to understand what he was saying. "Stop," I breathed, leaning away from his kisses again.

"I can control myself, Bella, I promise," he said, kissing my dead pulse point.

"Stop it," I said again, more forcefully, this time bringing my hands up to put some distance between us.

Edward finally stopped kissing my neck and leaned back to look at me, confusion clear on his face. "What's wrong?"

"_What__'__s __wrong?_" I repeated, indignation growing in my voice, as I stepped backwards out of his embrace. "You left me alone in the woods and you want to know _what__'__s __wrong_?"

His arms hung empty in the air for a moment before dropping listlessly to his sides. "I didn't really leave you," he said, trying to hide his confusion under an appeasing tone, "I didn't go very far."

I bristled. Logically I knew he was referring only to this moment, but my mind refused to ignore the double meaning. "And that's supposed to make it okay?" I asked, not bothering to try to keep the anger out of my voice.

Edward's jaw tensed. "It seemed like the gentlemanly thing to do," he said tightly.

"What does that even mean?"

He looked away for a moment, and when he turned back to me his eyes were dark pools in the moonlight, stark against his pale skin. "I was raised a certain way, Bella. Raised to believe there is a right way and a wrong way to behave. A _gentleman_," he put special emphasis on the word, "would never take advantage of a lady like that."

I blinked at him in utter disbelief. "'Take advantage of'…? This is about _sex_?"

His lips pressed into a thin line, but he didn't reply. I took his silence as an affirmative.

"How is it 'taking advantage' if it's what we both want?" I asked, annoyed.

Edward closed his eyes wearily. "Bella…" he started, but I was having none of it.

"So if two people – who love each other and have a chance to spend eternity together – get caught up in the moment and have sex, that's about the worst possible thing you can imagine?"

"I'm trying to protect your virtue, you silly girl," he sighed, shaking his head.

"I didn't ask you to!" I shot back. "Did you ever stop to think about what I want? About what's important to me? A good start might be to _ask_!"

"It's my responsibility—"

"It is _not_ your responsibility!" I yelled, the words tumbling out of me. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a vampire now. We're equals, we should be making these decisions _together_. How am I supposed to trust you if you keep making unilateral decisions that end with me alone in the woods?"

Comprehension finally dawned on Edward's face. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think—I'm sorry, Bella."

"You say that like it's supposed to make things magically better! Do you even know what you did to me?" I cried, tearing at every edge of my shield I could imagine, throwing my whole mind open, laying it all bare. "Do you have any idea what you put me through?"

Edward stumbled back a step as though I had shoved him – I wasn't completely sure I hadn't – and stared at me with wide, ink-black eyes, but didn't reply. I stared back, the rain misting from above beginning to darken my shirt.

"No, you don't," I said softly, answering my own question.

"Bella," he started again, reaching for me.

"Don't," I said, shying away from him as my shield snapped back into place, my eyes burning dully. "I can't, I just can't."

I turned away from the expression on his face and ran, pushing myself faster than he would be able to follow, and trusted my feet to lead me back home.


	23. Chapter 23 pt1 - Love Will Tear Us Apart

**Author's Note:**

I've debated all month over posting this, and now as May is drawing to a close – and with the support of my ever-wonderful baby sister and beta Jezunya – I decided to bite the bullet and just do it. By this point I'm sure most of you have noticed that this fic has been on hiatus since October 2011, and before that there were many-months-long breaks between chapters. Those of you who have checked my bio here on ffnet or chatted with me over on Twitter know the reason: I am ill. Really quite ill. Life-alteringly ill.

For nearly a decade now, I have lived with daily excruciating pain, crippling exhaustion, and a whole host of other symptoms I won't bore you with. Diagnosing a chronic illness is always difficult, and many patients share my story of waiting three, five, ten years or even longer for an accurate diagnosis. My team of doctors have finally narrowed down on my likely diagnosis: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, hypermobility type.

May is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Awareness Month, and since this disease has come to define my life and me as a person, I thought I would use the opportunity to explain my prolonged absence from this fic.

EDS is a genetic degenerative disease caused by a defect in collagen, primarily experienced in every joint in the body, but as collagen is used throughout the body in every major system, every single aspect of my health can be and has been affected. The defect in the collagen causes it to be extra stretchy, meaning that every tendon and ligament (in addition to veins, organs, and other soft tissue) in my body stretch further than they should. Because of this, I dislocate and subluxate joints repeatedly, usually a dozen or more times a day.

While I've been typing this, for instance, I've had to put my left shoulder back into its socket multiple times. It slides out, I put it back in manually; rinse and repeat. It hurts every time, and every dislocation and subluxation can cause tears in the tendon, ligament, and surrounding muscle, swelling in the soft tissues around the joint, and pinched nerves, etc, when the joint returns to its socket. This can happen to any joint in my body at any time – shoulders, hips, knees, elbows, wrists, fingers, ankles, toes, ribs, vertebrae, I've subluxed them all.

In the decade since my illness transitioned from mostly-benign hypermobility to degenerative chronic daily pain, nearly every aspect of my life has been impacted. I stopped working full time in 2004, and stopped working completely at the end of 2010, costing me my career. I've lost most of my friends and professional relationships to this disease. What clothes I am able to wear without pain, what food I eat, how often I'm able to leave the house, what hobbies I can engage in, even how and how often I bathe are all now dictated by my illness, and the chronic, unrelenting pain that goes with it.

Since my last update to _No Choice _in 2011, I've been working away at chapter 23 as I am able – which is to say, very rarely, but not from lack of trying. Sitting in a desk chair to type hurts my hips and knees, even after the modifications I made to my desk area. Shoulders, elbows, and hands can all prevent me from typing or even using the computer. And the fatigue that goes with this constant dislocating of joints and tearing of soft tissues – along with the POTS, IBS, heart issues, and thyroid issues that are co-morbidities – often leaves me too worn out to form a coherent sentence, much less formulate an entire chapter or conclude a story arc.

So below I present to you the first half of Chapter 23, the scenes that I have been able to finish in the last nineteen months. I hope to finish this chapter and post it eventually. I hope to finish _No Choice _and give it the happy ending I've had sketched out from the beginning. But the reality that I have to face every day is that with this illness, that might not be possible. I won't stop trying, but please realize that there's only so much you can do when a vital part of your DNA is irreparably broken.

For more information on Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, visit , or Google the disease for links to other sites, as I'm sure ffnet will mangle any links I try to post here. If you would like to get in touch with me, I am still on Twitter as glasscannon_ and would love to talk with you guys; I lurk there most days, so even if I haven't tweeted recently, don't hesitate to say hi. I'm also on Tumblr as sheliesshattered. As I've become more and more house-bound, more of my socializing is taking place online, so I really would love to hear from any of you.

I hope you enjoy this first part of Chapter 23, and as soon as I can get the next part written, I'll post it as a new chapter. Many thanks to those of you who have stuck it out this long, and to those of you who have taken the time to read about my illness. And endless, eternal thanks to Jezunya, my beta and my sister and my co-sufferer of this ridiculous disease. I would never have made it this far without her.

* * *

**Chapter 23 – Love Will Tear Us Apart**

Alice was waiting for me on the porch when I got back to the house, miserable and sopping wet, barely ten minutes after leaving Edward. From somewhere inside the house, I could feel Jasper's calm support reaching out to me, and I clung to it gratefully.

"You saw?" I asked Alice, stopping at the foot of the porch stairs, despite the rain that was coming down in torrents.

"I wasn't looking for it," she said, calmly opening a large umbrella and descending two of the three steps, until we were at eye level, standing beside each other, the umbrella blocking the worst of the rain. "But it would have been hard not to see that."

I glanced away, regret washing through me. "Is he alright?"

"He's _fine_, Bella," Alice said, ducking her head to try to catch my gaze. "He's only a few minutes behind you. Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle are going to go get him."

"You told the others?"

"I didn't give them any specifics, just told them you fought. I think _some _of our family members may wish that was more literal than figurative."

I shook my head as she spoke. "It was my fault," I said softly. "I completely over-reacted. I never should have said those things to him."

"Which was worse, what he did or what you said?" Alice quipped back, evidently prepared for my self-pity.

Looking up at her finally, I considered the question. I would give almost anything to take back what I had said, and yet… And yet I couldn't quite seem to absolve Edward of his part in this, either. That same dark corner of my mind held me back.

But Alice just rolled her eyes at me. "It was a rhetorical question, Bella. I started getting snippets of the fight before you two even came downstairs. Trust me, this had to happen, and I for one am glad it happened sooner rather than later."

"If I hadn't been so melodramatic, it wouldn't have happened at all."

She shrugged, unaffected. "Then something else would have set you off, tomorrow or a month from now. He doesn't understand what he did to you," she said, touching my cheek gently with her free hand, "and until he does, neither of you can heal."

Wrapping my arms around me protectively, I sighed. "Wasn't bringing Edward home supposed to fix everything?" I asked, petulantly.

Alice snorted. "Hardly. That was just the first in a long list of things that have to happen. But you're getting there." She paused, her gaze losing focus for a fraction of a second. "The others are almost ready," she said, her eyes finding my face again. "You'll want to dry off, I'm sure, but after that… Well, Rosalie wants to talk to you. Listen to what she says, okay?"

"Why is that you can tell me to listen to Rose, but not warn me about things like that fight?" I grumbled, narrowing my eyes at her.

She huffed daintily. "Because you _needed_ to have that fight, Bella. And now you _need_ to listen to Rosalie. And Emmett, _you _need to grab that shirt off the end table and take it with you," she added, just as the front door opened to reveal our brother's hulking frame, backlit by the warm glow from inside.

"Uh, shirt? What?" he asked, clearly surprised at having been included in the conversation so suddenly.

"Edward's shirt, on the end table behind you," Alice said, finally turning to look at him. "Take it with you, he'll need it."

Emmett looked at her in confusion a half second longer, then a huge grin spread across his face. "Way to go, Bella, made it to second base!"

I dropped my face into my hands, still half expecting to blush. "Since when does second base involve destroying a shirt?" I groaned.

"Since you became a vamp, of course!" I heard him laugh, and looked up to see him retreating into the house to get the shirt Alice had indicated, just as Jasper and Carlisle came down the large central staircase. The three of them joined us on the porch, Carlisle offering me a small, sad smile, and Jasper's silent support swelling to a crescendo, though his face was grim.

"Any thoughts on which where we should look for him, Alice?" Carlisle asked.

"Just follow Bella's trail, you'll find him within a few minutes. And yes, he should probably feed before he comes home."

I cringed, guilt flooding through me again. The whole point of our outing had been for Edward to hunt again, but I had screwed it all up.

"Is that best for everyone?" Jasper asked, his disapproval clear on his face, if not in the emotions he was sending me.

Alice leveled a steady look at her husband. "Yes. He needs to feed, and she needs time. Can you just trust me on this one?" she asked with a little smile, and Jasper's expression softened slightly.

_Don't be hard on him, Jazz_, I flickered my shield rapidly, catching his eye. _It was my fault, not his._

Jasper raised an eyebrow but didn't reply, his mouth still tight.

Carlisle took a deep breath and sighed it out. "Well, wish us luck. We'll try to be back before dawn." He turned and walked out into the heavy downpour, Jasper and Emmett right behind him, and within seconds they had disappeared into the forest to the north of the house.

"Come on," Alice said, taking my arm and leading me back into the house. "There's a big pile of towels for you in the bathroom, and Rosalie is in the garage."

"Where's Esme?" I asked, her absence hard to miss.

Alice smiled a little sadly. "Repainting the kitchen," she said softly.

I opened my mouth to ask why the kitchen needed to be repainted, but Alice shook her head – and then I remembered Esme's preoccupation with replacing the window yesterday, and my previous musings about the motivation behind her never-ending home renovations.

"I'll be in there helping her if you need me," she added, pausing inside the front door to put her umbrella away. "Listen to what Rose has to say, she knows what she's talking about."

She gave me a gentle shove in the direction of the garage, then turned and made her way slowly into the kitchen, her voice bouncing brightly off the tiles moments later. Sighing and trying not to think about where Edward must be right now, I stopped by the bathroom where I had showered – had it really only been a few hours ago? – and picked up one of the fluffy white towels Alice had set out for me. Using it to wring as much of the rain from my hair as I could, I continued through the bathroom and out the door that connected it to the garage.

I found Rosalie leaning over the open hood of my truck, barefooted and wearing coveralls, reminding me of the days we had spent preparing to kidnap Edward. The garage was dark except for a single florescent light above the truck – unneeded, of course, but homey somehow.

"Hi Rose," I said, pausing in the bathroom doorway, still toweling off my hair. "Alice said you wanted to talk to me?"

"She would know," Rosalie replied dryly, not looking up from whatever part of the truck's internal workings she was fiddling with. "Did you clock him, at least?"

"What?"

"Alice said you and Edward fought," she said, putting down her wrench and turning around to face me. "Did you get a couple of good punches in?"

I stared at her for a second, then shook my head, water droplets flying from the ends of my hair. "No. No, I just yelled at him."

She rolled her eyes and pulled a rag from her pocket, wiping the grease off her hands. "That's the least he deserved, I'm sure." She paused, glancing back at the exposed engine. "Are you alright?" she asked, not looking at me.

I sighed and descended the few stairs into the garage, grabbing a wide bench from a nearby work table and sitting down, more out of habit than necessity. "I'm fine," I said, then shook my head. "I mean, I'm upset with him, but mostly I'm worried about him, and mad at myself for overreacting."

"What did he do, exactly?" she asked, meeting my gaze again. "Maybe it wasn't an overreaction."

It was my turn to look away now, shrugging as guilt coursed through me again. "It was just a misunderstanding," I said, a grumbling note working its way into my voice. "He left me alone while we were hunting. It was only for a couple of minutes, but when I turned around and he wasn't there, I kind of… freaked out, I guess." I wrung more moisture from my hair with the towel, my hands anxious for movement.

Rose was silent for a beat. "And you're surprised that Edward leaving you alone in the woods is a hot button issue for you?" she asked flatly.

I glanced up to find her leaning against the truck's bumper, her arms folded across her chest, the rag still clutched loosely in one hand. "Not surprised, no, but…" I paused, gnawing lightly on my lower lip, trying to figure out how to explain how I felt to her. "I knew logically he hadn't really left," I said slowly. "I knew I could track him down and catch up with him this time, if I had to. But it didn't matter. He was gone, and I was right back to that night six months ago."

"And if he came in here right now and asked you to go hunting with him again?"

I hesitated, afraid to say what I was feeling out loud, even to Rosalie. "I would want to, but…"

"But you can't trust him not to do something stupid again," she finished for me.

"Yeah," I said in a small voice.

"Well, if he keeps leaving you alone in the woods, how can you?" she asked dryly.

"It's not just that," I said, shaking my head again. "I felt like this before we went hunting, too. It's like, at a mental level, I can accept his apology, and even almost understand why he thought leaving was the best thing to do. But if I try to really accept it, in my heart… I can't, somehow. It's not that I don't want to forgive him, I do. I just feel like…"

"Like you're stuck?" Rosalie asked, meeting my gaze with a piercing look.

"Yeah," I agreed quietly. _Stuck_. The word felt exactly right. "I don't understand," I sighed, my tone becoming slightly petulant. "Why is this so difficult for me? Why can't I just take him at his word?"

She looked away again, rubbing the grease rag between her hands idly. "I've been debating bringing this up with you since you showed up in Denali. But at the time, I thought you were just angry with Edward, and I thought it might be best to hang onto that emotion. Then you told us what he did to you, and we were all so caught up in bringing him home, and I thought, if it really matters, Carlisle will tell her. And then when you two came downstairs tonight, you seemed to have forgiven him, and so I figured maybe I didn't need to bring it up after all. But I really should have told you days ago, especially with your eyes…"

"Told me what?" I asked, the seed of anxiety beginning to grow in my chest.

Rose turned the rag over in her hands, seeming to consider her words. "You know that as vampires, we are very set in our ways, right?" she said, looking up at me again. "Change is rare, and when it does come, it's permanent. But we don't spring into this life fully formed, Bella. Our personalities, our attitudes, our beliefs, they all… _solidify_, over the first several years. Carlisle told me once that it has something to do with our own blood lingering our systems. Once the blood is gone, change becomes much more difficult."

"So you went through this, too?" I asked, my voice small.

"Everyone goes through it," she replied with a little shrug. "But I was in a very dark place during my early years as a vampire. I killed Royce and his friends that first year, but that didn't keep me from dwelling on what had happened to me, on the horrible path my life had taken.

"Carlisle finally sat me down and told me his concerns," she continued. "He worried that if I couldn't find some peace, couldn't try to find some hope that things would get better, I would be stuck like that, forever – stuck in the anger, the loss, the pain that was my fiancé's parting gift to me." She paused, calmly wadding up the grease rag and putting it back in her pocket, as though the topic wasn't upsetting her. "The first two years were very difficult," she said softly, staring at a bright point of light on the garage floor, her hands deep in the coverall pockets. "Carlisle and Esme did what they could to help, but it wasn't until I found Emmett that things finally started to get better. And by then my eyes had started to change."

"What does eye color have to do with it?" I asked.

Rosalie looked at me sidelong. "It's an indication of how much of your own blood is left in your body. Vampires who feed on humans have red eyes, those of us who feed on animals have gold, and when we're hungry we all have black eyes – but newborns always have red eyes, since you're technically feeding on the remains of your own blood. Your eyes will slowly turn gold, assuming you stick with our diet. And once they do, all your own blood will be gone from your body, and any change will be much harder."

"But I had so much less to start out with…" I said, trailing off as I began to grasp what she was saying.

"That's why I thought I should bring this up with you sooner rather than later. For all the terrible things Royce and his friends did to me, I actually lost very little blood, and of course Carlisle didn't take any when he changed me. So I had as much time as any vampire can hope for, a little more than three years. But for you? A year, eighteen months? I don't know. Carlisle might have a more accurate guess. But if you're feeling stuck, unable to change, then it's starting to affect you already."

I stared at her silently for a moment, the full implications slowly dawning on me. "I could get stuck feeling like this? _Forever?_"

Rosalie pursed her lips, then crossed the small space to sit beside me on the wide bench.

"You could," she said softly. "Things are so much better for me now than they were those first two years, but I know I still carry it with me. I'm still stuck, in my own way. I can't help thinking that if I had tried harder, or if Carlisle had told me earlier, or if I hadn't taken so long to kill Royce, or if I hadn't focused so much on not forgetting my human life, then maybe I could have healed more in those early years, and be in an even better place now. But you still have time. You _want_ to forgive Edward, while I can never forgive Royce. There's still a chance for you to heal like I never could."

I groped blindly for her hand, wrapping my stone fingers around hers and squeezing. My mind was a dull buzz of white noise as I tried to comprehend what she had been through – and all the long decades since then, living with it always fresh in her memory. I tried to imagine myself in seventy-five years, and even the possibility that three quarters of a century could pass with me unable to forgive Edward made my chest ache heavily.

"What should I do?" I whispered, barely a breath in the silent garage.

Rose squeezed my hand in return. "We'll talk to Carlisle when he returns," she said. "Maybe Jasper, too. I can say from my experience that you have to push against it, any time you feel stuck. You need to actively try to heal, try to forgive him, or this will always haunt you. And Edward needs to stop being an idiot and leaving you in the woods," she added sarcastically.

I huffed out a bit of air, not quite a laugh. "You said it got easier when you found Emmett," I said after a moment. "Is that because you two… mated?" I asked, stumbling over the word.

She looked at me quizzically. "Because I found my mate, yes. Vampires aren't meant to be solidary creatures. We're meant to have a partner, and when we find them, life gets easier. And then there's just Emmett," she said, smiling softly. "He makes everything better."

I returned her smile somewhat sadly, my chest still aching. "Maybe when that happens for Edward and me, it will make all of this easier?"

Rosalie raised an eyebrow. "I think the ship's already sailed on that one, Bella."

"But we haven't—you know…" I waved my free hand vaguely in the air, unable to quite say the words.

She shook her head. "It isn't just about sex. 'Mated' is the term the nomads use, but for any vampire who's more settled, sex is only one part of it. In fact, it was years before I was ready to have a sexual relationship with Emmett, but the day I found him in the forest, I was pretty sure. And by the time he woke up, I knew. It felt irrevocable, somehow."

_And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him…_

My breath caught in my throat as the memory of that long-ago night raced through my mind.

"When Edward had that moment, we all noticed the change. He was so certain that it couldn't possibly happen for a human," Rosalie continued, unaware of my epiphany, "but deep down I knew he was wrong. You should ask Emmett about what it was like for him sometime, but he's always said that it was love at first sight – and he was still human, and being actively mauled by a bear. It didn't matter. Something in us recognizes our perfect match, the one person we'll always be able to depend on. Of course," she sighed ruefully, "I didn't want to believe it applied to you, either. How could I keep you out of my family and away from this life if Edward was your mate? I didn't want to believe that you would have to choose between your mate and a chance at a real life, but I guess that's all moot now. And given that you haven't been able to smell the reek of illness Edward's been putting off, you two must have become mates sometime before he left last fall."

"Jasper mentioned the smell in Rio," I said, my voice sounding far away in my own ears, "but I didn't think to ask at the time. What is it?"

She shrugged. "That's another thing Carlisle would be more qualified to answer, but… The vampire virus – parasite, gene, whatever it is – wants us to consume human blood, but it'll make do on animal blood. Without either, eventually it starts to feed on our own tissues. Vampires who go without feeding for as long as Edward did start to emit a smell, like something burning. It's a giant red flag to any vampire within several miles that this is an unstable, sick vampire. But mates can't smell it. Whatever biological imperative that drives beings who can't sexually reproduce to mate for life trumps the warning scent. He'll always smell like Edward to you, no matter how long he goes without feeding. You could follow his trail through a crowd of vampires or through lakes of fresh blood and never lose his scent."

And I would, I knew with absolute certainty in that moment. If he ever left again, I would track him to the ends of the earth. But somehow that knowledge only made my chest ache more. "Then why did he leave?" I asked, my voice breaking on the last word.

"Because he's an idiot," Rose replied immediately, but there was a sadness in her tone that surprised me. "Because he didn't think there was any way he could be your mate, that you could possibly feel what he felt. He probably still thinks that. Because, again: he's an idiot."

"How can he—" I made a frustrated noise and stood up abruptly, pacing in the small space between the bench and my truck. "How can he still think that, after everything that's happened? After everything we've been through? I went half way around the world to find him, I came back here even after he outright denied my existence, and he still thinks this is, what, some passing phase for me?"

"Have I mentioned that he's an idiot?" Rosalie asked dryly.

"I mean it, Rose."

"So do I," she said blandly. "Have you noticed that he's not very good at reading facial expressions? Or body language? He's been a mind-reader for almost a century, Bella. At some point along the way, he lost the ability to pick up on the little cues the rest of us depend on. But with you, he can't rely on mind-reading. He can hear what you say and see what you do, but he misses all the subtext, even when it's blatantly obvious to everyone else."

I sighed and sat down beside her again, my anger evaporating as quickly as it had arrived. "Do you think I'm being too hard on him?" I asked.

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "I don't think you can _ever_ be too hard on him. But at the risk of giving him too much credit, try to think about what this looks like to him. When he left, he stopped talking to his family, stopped eating, eventually stopped even moving. And you, what? Continued on with your life, befriended a werewolf, walked from Forks to Denali without anyone's help, and found him in Rio like it was the easiest thing in the world? _You_ know that you forgave him – or want to forgive him – because you love him, but can you see how he might think that you forgave him because none of this means as much to you as it does to him?"

We were both silent for a long moment. "So what do I do?" I asked in a small voice.

Rose shrugged slightly. "Try to convince him. Find a million different ways to let him know every day. Tell him out loud until he believes you. Try to remember that his natural inclination is to be an idiot, and don't give up on him. We have mates for a reason, and our history is littered with examples of how badly things go when a vampire loses their mate."

The scar where the hole in my chest had once been twinged painfully. "What happens?" I whispered before I could stop myself.

She started to reply, then paused. "You saw a hint of it in Brazil, I think," she said finally, her voice soft and her eyes far away. "It hurts to even think about it, doesn't it?" she asked after a moment, flashing a melancholy smile in my direction.

Nodding, I braced my arms beside me on the bench to keep from wrapping them around my chest.

"That's because he's yours," she added, with another sad smile. "And he always will be. You just have to convince him of it."

I nodded again, absently. "Thank you, Rose," I murmured, my mind already puzzling out how I would go about convincing Edward.

She shrugged and stood, crossing the small space to pick up her wrench from where she had left it on the truck's frame. "Of course," she said. "What are sisters for?"

I stood to leave, my damp towel hanging limp in my hand, but paused in the doorway to glance back at Rosalie, who was already leaning over the truck's engine again. "For what it's worth," I said quietly, looking down at my towel instead of at Rose, "I'm glad it happened this way. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad we got to have this," I continued, waving my free hand between us. "I'm glad you're my sister."

Looking up finally, I found Rose smiling at me, a bit more genuinely than before. "Me too," she said. "Now go convinced Idiot Boy he's being an idiot."


End file.
